If you’ve seen the latest episode of The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl (ABG), you probably caught J’s best friend Cece refer to White Jay’s ex as a “tr***y bitch in heels.” Or J’s co-worker Patty ask her if she’s “gay” because J cut her hair to a tweeny-weeny afro (TWA). Or J’s nemesis, Nina, asking her when did she “catch cancer” due to the new ‘do.

Some fans responded to the overt transphobic insult with an open letter on Crunk Feminist Collective Tumblr:

Dear Awkward Black Girl,

We love the show! We also love your continuous engagement with fans and your commitment to staying on the Web to maintain your vision. What we don’t love is the transmisogyny and misogyny in episode 11.

In episode 11, CeCe calls White Jay’s ex a “tra**y bitch in heels.” The word tra**y perpetuates violence and divisiveness amongst women by relying on the idea that trans women are not “real” women; it suggests that White Jay’s ex is somehow less than the main character J.

The word “tra**y” has a very real history of violence and discrimination, often targeting trans women. It has been used as a slur, as a way to objectify women, and as a way of denying the personhood of trans women on the basis of appearance.

We have seen your responsiveness to the fans of ABG and we hope that by raising this concern you will respond accordingly by not using such language in future episodes. There are so many awkward queer, trans, and disabled folks who love the show and it hurts to see and hear our lives used as punchlines. For those of us, the awkward black, queer folks who have lived at the intersections of our awkwardness, our blackness, and our transness, words like “tra**y” erase our lives, and our humanity. Phrases like “No lesbo” and the use of affected speech to imitate hard of hearing people detract from the vision of creating representations for the rest of us who are all too often maligned in mainstream media.

We look forward to many more episodes of The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl that are hilarious without the use of marginalized groups as a punchline. We have confidence that you have the creativity to continue to push comedic boundaries in new ways and educate your audience in the process.

With fierce love,
alicia sanchez gill
Claire Nemorin
Moya Bailey
Kimberley Shults
Anonymous Awkward Others

Another tumblrer reblogged a tweet regarding the creators’ response to the Open Letter.

The initial Tumbl’d responses to this:

“This does not look promising.”

“hoping the response letter does not cause more pain.”

“well, shit. so much for finding a non-problematic show to love.”

Here’s the reply from ABG‘s co-creators Issa Rae and Tracy Oliver, found at Clutch Magazine:

Some of our viewers may have been offended by some of the language in our recent episode. We take this matter especially to heart, considering the CFC and members of the LGBT community were among the first to embrace ‘The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl.’

Since our first episode debuted in February this year, ‘Awkward Black Girl’ has received an incredible outpouring of support from hundreds of thousands of fans. We love and appreciate each and every one of our fans! In return, we strive to provide a show that uses irreverent comedy and humor to address the oftentimes uncomfortable situations that many people have experienced at some point or another in their lives.

In creating a series of this nature, we are willing to accept the praise when the jokes work and the feedback when they may not.

Sincerely,

Issa & Tracy

Whereas a few Clutch Magazine commenters thought Rae’s and Oliver’s letter was”respectful” and “very well said,” quite a few commenters applauded Rae for “not apologizing” because that “would change the nature of the show.” Even Crunk Feminist Collective’s Brittney Cooper agreed  that it’s an “excellent” response. And the post and the comments at Very Smart Brothers applaud the response, some of the commenters going so far as telling trans people (and the gay, lesbian, and bisexual people who are cisgender–oh yeah, and a few of us cis, trans, and gender non-conforming folks who love bell hooks) to “get over themselves” and “stop being so sensitive” because ABG “offends everyone,” especially with the liberal use of “bitch” and “n***a.” In fact, one commenter states that ABG using the “tr***y bitch in heels” line as a sign of acceptability for trans folks.

Dare I say it? Yes…

What the hell kind of no-pology is this?!?

Racialicious guest contributor Erika Nicole Kendall tweeted exactly why I felt this qualifies as a no-pology:

See, here’s my thing: if you’re saying that folks in LBGT communities are some of the first fans of your show, wouldn’t you go out of your way to not turn off that fan base  by simply saying something like, “I/We deeply apologize for saying the word “tr***y” on the ep. I could’ve used another word to talk about J’s discomfort instead of making trans people–and, by extension, our transgender fans–the butt of a joke,” instead of essentially stating you stand by a transphobic slur that is used in conjunction to do much more damage than just create “oftentimes uncomfortable situations that many people have experienced at some point or another in their lives?”

Because the word “tr***y” isn’t bantered about just to make trans people “uncomfortable.” As @graceishuman pointed out on Twitter:

 It’s only hilarious if you accept that trans women are by definition a joke. There’s no inherent humor to it beyond that.

The history of the word is that a lot of trans people, especially trans women of color, have had it used against them in the context of violence, sometimes as they were being murdered.

This post at the Tumblr a bell and a pomegranate further explains why the fans who wrote the letter–and the rest of us–found the  ”joke” unamusing:

Well, and naturally, what “may have offended” some people is language—as though that’s the important thing, that a nasty word (a word, to be fair, I cringe at) was used.  But of course it wasn’t—the meaningful portion of the trouble is that the use of “tranny” as an insult to cis women is about participating in the cultural notion that trans women are fake/grotesque/doing womanhood wrong/unworthy of respect and that it is shameful/disgusting for a cis woman to be similar to one.  It’s about functioning as a placeholder for certain policing discourses about the comportment and appearance of women in general by deploying the extreme danger of trans oppression as a veiled threat while subtly shoring up that oppression.(*)  That’s why people are troubled by the word in the first place, and why the first critiques of it were brought up—not because it is an inherently evil word, but because it participates in negative, damaging stereotypes about trans women.  It could have been any word.  The problem is that “tranny” is deployed as a shorthand for that cultural idea.  If they’d substituted in a nicer, less-charged word as shorthand to suggest that a given woman was like a trans woman and therefore fake/grotesque/doing womanhood wrong/unworthy of respect, it would still be transphobic.

When we focus over-much on contaminated words, we sometimes miss—and allow the people who use them to sidestep—the larger problem of what those words represent and why they’re hurtful in the first place.

(*) You know, in the same way that young straight men calling each other “faggot” don’t literally mean “I think you are attracted to other men,” but “you are not behaving as I think a man should and if you don’t get in line I am suggesting you be treated as is appropriate for the disgusting people indicated by this word, who also don’t get in line and who you know are visibly punished for it.”  In the same way that “whore” and “bitch” are deployed—they suggest that there is a category of people who you are culturally aware have fewer rights/more vulnerabilities to violence/etc. and that if you do not behave as expected you might be relegated to that category and treated accordingly.  Capitalism does it by threatening people who have money with the constant specter of poverty and homelessness—and then uses that to enforce cultural norms of behavior.  Sexism does it by threatening that men might be treated like “bitches” and “pussies.”  And cissexism/transmisogyny does it by threatening cis women with worlds like “tranny” and “shemale.

As for ABG‘s use of the words “bitch” and “n***a” as a reason why it should be OK for the creators to, therefore, use the words “tr***y,” I’ll say here what I said on a radio interview about those white feminists who defended the sign “Woman Is the N****r of the World” at SlutWalk NYC’s march: unless Rae and/or other people on ABG‘s creative team is a trans person, the word isn’t for them to use because they are outside of those communities. And, even at that, if there is a trans person on the crew, that person’s presence still doesn’t give permission or license for ABG‘s cisgender cast and crew to use it because the other trans folks didn’t vote on that person to give that imprimatur to use the slur.

Even Patti’s comment about J being “gay” because of J’s short cut pivots on both homophobia and transphobia, namely that Black lesbians are stereotyped as “looking” a certain way that is “outside” of the hetero male gaze (and, by extension, hetero male sexual/romantic consideration), namely having a short afro, which is construed as “trying to be manly,” thus policing J’s femininity. Of course, Nina’s comment comment about “catching cancer” is simply ableist.

But I also feel like this is the part in the post where I need to repeat what we say quite a few times around the R: just because a person belongs to one or more marginalized group(s) doesn’t mean that person has an innate empathy for people in other marginalized groups. And “doing it for the art”–or to not be “politically correct”–adds insult to injury. Again, to quote Erika, in response to another tweeter:

…the non-responsive response they wrote, the onslaught of people defending them and saying “you didn’t do anything wrong” as if Black people forgot what it feels like to have you[r] very existence turned into something undesirable and slur-worthy…let’s just say it’s DUMB disturbing.

So, as much as I love J’s misadventures, I can’t quite walk down this transphobic, homophobic, and ableist path with her and her crew in this ep.

Image credit: Get on the Sofa

Stumbling through Tumblr, I found this gem from comedian and vlogger Hari Kondabolu breaking white liberal guilt all the way down.

Transcript after the jump.

So, I went to a prestigious small liberal arts college in Maine. Like many other people of color who’ve gone to prestigious institutions of higher learning, I had a lot of white liberal friends. And I am sick of some these white liberal friends telling me how guilty they feel all the time, how their whiteness makes them feel bad: “I feel bad. I have so much white guilt.”

You know, I’m not impressed! Because, if I had the choice between white guilt and racism, I’d take the white guilt every time. White guilt sounds great! Are you kidding me?!?

Imagine this: you’re on a line, right? You’re about to board an airplane. All of a sudden security shows up. They pull a sikh man with a beard and turban off. They’re search his bag again. And you’re watching, and what do you think to yourself?

“Oh, this is terrible. I feel terrible. This again? Racial profiling? That man’s done nothing wrong. How about they search me? They should search me. I’m a white man. I could be the next Timothy McVeigh. They don’t know that. Why don’t they search my bag? Because I’m white. I feel terrible. I feel so terrible—I mean, I’m still going to board the plane—but I’m gonna feel bad about it. I’m gonna sit in my chair and feel—oh! I’ll write Rachel Maddow an email! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll tell Terry Gross. And I’ll read bell hooks on the plane! Then everything…everything will be better! I’ll feel better. I’m a good white liberal…I’m a good white liberal…I’m a good white liberal…OK.”

So, by any chance, if there are any white liberals watching this video, remember this: your white guilt is a part of your white privilege. Enjoy it…while it lasts.

Stewart: Wyatt, what does this say about America?
Cenac: (yelling) It says there aren’t enough black people making maps!

That’s my new answer to everything.

Triple Awesome Score for the America the Beautiful remix. Lord, Wyatt’s going to make me start DVRing The Daily Show again…

Next week, we will discuss why it’s not just about the damn word, but I’m too burned from the week to do it now. Also, file under things to look up when we have time – why “fuck” is bleeped out on TV, but nigger is cool. I’ve been wondering that since the Chappelle’s Show, and then the Boondocks, so at some point, I need to get an answer.

So look, David: Chinese people eat weird food. There is a saying that “Chinese will eat anything with its back to the sky,” and another that says “Chinese will eat anything with legs but a table and anything with wings but an airplane.” These are Chinese sayings, I might point out — a sign that Chinese aren’t exactly unaware that the “delicacies” that send prim Westerners to their fainting couches are a little off the beaten path.

But Chinese are far from the only culture that eats weird food, and fuck, given that you’re from North Carolina, have you looked at what American Southerners traditionally eat? No? Chitlins! Possum! Muskrat! Bull testicles! Oh wait, you’re from suburban Raleigh, so probably not, given that most of the more exotic dishes in Southern cuisine, like in many culinary traditions, was the offspring of necessity — invention midwived by destitution. If you’re hungry enough, rodents will start to look tasty, as will chicken claws, stray innards and balls. And once you’ve eaten them long enough, all these things evolve into nostalgic signifiers — especially after you’ve pulled yourself out of poverty. They go from things you have to eat all the time to things you choose to eat once in a while, to remind yourself you don’t have to eat them all the time.

And this is what’s truly ugly about your piece, David: For someone who’s spent a lot of your career puncturing middle-class aspiration and self-delusion, your essay is unpleasantly blind to the fact that all of China is just a few generations removed from dire, desperate want, and that many people, like the peasant family you had such a bad experience sharing a meal with, continue to subsist on an annual income that’s a tiny fraction of what a sophisticated awesome American literary superstar like you loses in his sofa. And in a country of 1.3 billion people, even having braised pig’s stomach to occasionally go with your daily rice is a fucking luxury.

–From David Sedaris Thinks Chinese People (and Food) Are Repulsive, Which Makes Me Sad, Because I Used to Like David Sedaris

And here’s Stephen Cobert’s response, for all the Ds in the house (also NSFW):

Via Maurice Cherry, we get this Daily Show mashup of Don Lemon and his mounting frustration with fake news stories.

Eastern Conference: The Thuggish Seductress Dream Girl
Starting Line Up: Nicki Minaj, Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown

If the notion is that Zooey Deschanel is an unreal amalgam of white male fantasies, female rappers like Nicki Minaj may offer that for Black males.

• The sexy female rapper who can outshine her male counterparts in guest verses.
• She’s as gully as she is sexy, equally comfortable talking about selling blow and blowjobs.
• Embodies a unique sexuality that is emulated by other women. In Nicki Minaj it’s a hyper-sexuality compared to the childlike sexuality of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
• The Nicki Minaj catsuit could be a parallel to the Manic Pixie Dream Girl’s lens-free horn-rimmed glasses.

Western Conference: The Multi Culti World Wanderer
Starting Line Up: Rashida Jones, Maya Rudolph, Rosario Dawson

If the notion is that she speaks primarily to the fantasies of Black males who aren’t into mainstream standards much in the same way that Zooey Deschanel fulfills the fantasies of indie rock loving, comic book reading White males.

• They can play many different ethnicities, playing the girlfriends of both White and Black actors without it raising an eyebrow.
• That ability to float in and out of a specific racial identity offers both the actress and her Black male admirers access into worlds where they may not normally feel represented. Rashida Jones is one of the few black actresses currently on a Thursday NBC sitcom. Jones and Rudolph were the only two people of color in the Beastie Boys “Make Some Noise” video.

• In “I Love You Man” Rashida Jones character is named “Zooey.”
• Both Dawson and Jones write comic books. Occult Crimes Taskforce and Frenemy of the State
• Rashida Jones’ dad is Quincy Jones. Maya Rudolph’s mom is Minnie Riperton. They may not play ukulele but they have the master tapes of some amazing stuff.

Southern Conference: The Neo Soul Warrior Princess
Starting Line Up: Erykah Badu, Ladybug Mecca, Jill Scott, Amel Larrieux, Lauryn Hill (DNP, Coach’s Decision)

If the notion that the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is more an escapist fantasy from the drudgery of the existing world.

• The woman whose hardcore afrocentricity inspires her male counterpart to seek more truth and knowledge of self.
• Clothing consists of t-shirts, thrift shop finds and kinte cloth.
• Far from being considered high maintenance, she is presumably content smoking out and listening to old Quincy Jones records.
• Badu’s live performances are often unique from show to show creating a sense that she travels the world free of cares.
• Their tastes run eclectic. Badu covers classic Chaka Khan and is inspired by indie darlings Matt & Kim.
• Badu and Hill were the Manic Pixie Dream Girls for many college guys who are now in their thirties; the same age as their white counterparts who pine over Zooey Deschanel.

Northern Conference: Downtown Wild Child Coutourist
Starting Line Up: Vashtie, Jack Davey, Santigold, Solange, Amanda Diva

If the notion that the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is escapist fantasy and fashion forward trendsetter.

• The woman whose is known as much for the being in the scene as they are for their artistic contributions.
• Their style is unique and brightly colored easily getting the attention of sneakerheads and club kids.
• If there’s a party, she never waits in line. If there’s a concert, she’s got backstage passes. Q-Tip calls her his “little sister.”
• Because she’s in the scene, she seems more approachable whether it’s at a party or on Twitter.
• She never seems to be attached or in a relationship thus giving every guy hope.
• Gives off an instability that excites and terrifies, where an amazing party ends up with a night in jail.
• Vashtie has been dubbed “Downtown’s Sweetheart” and played stickball in a NIKE sponsored event.

Midwest Conference: The Royal Order of the Daughters of Spinderella
Starting Line Up: Any black female DJ

If the notion is that she challenges and attracts in the way that Zooey Deschanel can probably play a guitar better than the guy who is falling for her.

• She’s attractive.
• She knows a lot about music. And keeps up on new music before most people are aware of it.
• She has access to cool parties. Unlike the Downtown Wild Child Coutourist, she’s not in the middle of the dance floor being hit on by everybody. She’s above the fray controlling the room.
• Her music knowledge challenges a man’s in a way that is emasculating in an arousing and nonthreatening way.

I saw this comment and just about fell out with laughter.

sci-fi writer
JULY 1, 2011 AT 10:28 PM
I am happy to see so many women getting interested in the male-dominated sci-fi genre. Octavia Butler is a great writer and I have enjoyed her works myself. I would like to offer some warning, however. Before you read Octavia Butler believing it to be “Their Eyes Were Watching God” in space, you should know that Octavia Butler was a good -science fiction- writer. That means her works may have some really weird stuff in it. For example, one of her books describes humanity being assimilated by an alien race that must have 3-way sex with a tentacle monster in order to reproduce. The book was riveting and very well-written though. I just wanted to give the ladies a heads up. “The Parable of the Sower” did read like “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” set in the year 2050 (I couldn’t get into it), but some of her works read like typical, fantasy, space opera, science fiction stories. Octavia Butler was an exceptional Black writer who blazed a trail for science fiction writers like myself to follow. If, however, you don’t like weird stuff, be wary.

Remember: It’s tentacle monsters, not Terry McMillan.

(Image Credit: Selling Out for Fun and Profit)

(Back story on the image: Okay, so I put in “tentacle monster” to see what popped up – and yes y’all, I know exactly what was gonna appear on my home computer – and this cute little thing came up. Since I was resigned to an image of something mildly pornified, imagine my delight to find this cute little thing. Then I checked to see what it is. It’s called Rape-kun. O_o. So then I’m trying to figure out what the hell that’s all about, and apparently it’s a gag in a webcomic called Errant Story and spin off series called Fun with Familiars. In the ES wiki, it’s described like this: “Rape-kun is Bani Igaaru’s familiar. He is a small, pink, “affectionate” micro-tentacle monster that enjoys sitting on Bani’s head. Despite the fact that Bani is a schoolgirl, Rape-kun does not, in fact, live up to his name. He was apparently protected by a password, which Bani did not know back during her days at Sashi Mu Academy of Thaumaturgy and Conjuration, that enables his “adult mode;” it hasn’t been revealed whether or not this state of affairs has changed since Bani’s graduation.” So I have no idea as to the appropriateness of using this image, but it’s gonna have to work at the moment.)

By Arturo R. García

By now, the Akira live-action adaptation is threatening to turn into the Spider-Man musical of ill-advised Americanizations. Not only has Legendary Pictures, which was supposed to co-finance the two-film project with Warner Brothers, reportedly ended its’ involvement, but WB President Jeff Rubinov, either too desperate or too myopic to care about fans’ casting concerns, allegedly personally offered the lead role of Kaneda to 46-year-old Keanu Reeves.

This isn’t the first time Reeves has been connected to a movie based on an iconic Japanese story; for a couple of years, he was reportedly up for the part of Spike Spiegel in a Cowboy Bebop adaptation. But what would have happened if somebody – somebody with access to, let’s say, a certain time-traveling phone-booth – had enabled Reeves to play Kaneda, the teen anti-hero, when he truly looked the part? How would the news clippings from those pre-Internet days have read? As the great Vin Scully likes to say, the saddest words of tongue and pen are these:
What might have been …

September 1989:
HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Following the surprise success of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, young Keanu Reeves made an equally surprising choice for a follow-up project, announcing at a press conference today that he had been tapped to star in a live live-action adaptation of Akira, a Japanese comic-book – or manga, as they’re known in Japan – that became a cult hit on U.S. shores as both a comic and an animated movie (aka anime).

Reeves, 21, will be spurning a sure-fire hit sequel for three years’ worth of work on the project, set to unfold over two films, which will be shot back-to-back in and around Japan. He will play Sho Kaneda, a teenage delinquent who finds himself fighting a government conspiracy in a post-apocalyptic Tokyo.

The production itself is something unique: a partnership between Delaurentis Entertainment Group (DEG), the studio behind Bill & Ted, and the AKIRA Committee, the alliance of Japanese entertainment companies behind the animated film. Kathsushiro Otomo, who wrote the screenplay while working to complete his original comic-book version, was retained as a consultant on the American script – though one key condition specified the story would remain based in Japan.

Unconfirmed reports say a mysterious “man in black” helped broker the landmark deal between DEG – which had been reeling financially before Bill & Ted’s success – and the AKIRA Committee. Though DEG and committee officials once again rebuffed those reports at their joint press conference, Reeves was seen smiling to himself when the issue was brought up.

Later, when a reporter noted that Kaneda’s look – mop-topped hair and red jacket – was similar to the outfits Reeves wore while playing Ted Preston, he replied, “Yeah, so I’ve been told,” then laughed.

Attempts to reach Reeve’s Bill & Ted co-star, Alex Winter, for comment were unsuccessful.

February 1992
“I feel like I’ve aged ten years,” Reeves tells me before sipping his second Ramune Soda, a taste he says he picked up while filming Akira from, of all people, venerable Japanese actor Toshiro Mifune, who he met while Mifune was filming a cameo appearance.

“It’s barely been three,” I reply.

“Things move faster over there. Must be the trains,” Reeves says, and flashes a confident smile. This role, he tells me, will be the one to break him out of the burgeoning shadow of Bill & Ted forever.

“You always worry that you’re going to get associated with a certain type of role,” he says after polishing off the Ramune. “I liked Ted as a character, and I loved working with Alex, but I didn’t want to run the risk of being ‘Whoa’ Guy forever, y’know?”

I ask Reeves if he’s heard from the reclusive Mr. Winter. He nods, with a hint of sadness, no.
- Excerpt from “Big (Gamble) In Japan: Keanu Reeves Lays It On The Line With ‘Akira,’” by Kurt Loder., Rolling Stone, Feb. 13, 1992.

June 10, 1992
“What a wacky, wacky award.”
- Alex Winter, after winning Most Desirable Male for his comeback performance in Point Break at the inaugural MTV Movie Awards.

July 6, 1992
HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Japan claimed a victory over Independence Day weekend, as Akira, the Keanu Reeves-led adaptation of a Japanese comic-book, outpaced Harrison Ford’s Patriot Games to win a highly-anticipated box-office showdown.

Akira, backed by both a mammoth promotional campaign in both the U.S. and Japan and an avid existing fanbase in both countries, took in $10 million on its’ first weekend in theaters. Reeves made waves last week when he arrived at the film’s U.S. premiere riding a version of the souped-up motorbike his character, Kaneda, uses in the movie.

July 13, 1993
“As a wise man once said, what a wacky, wacky award.”
- Keanu Reeves, after winning Most Desirable Male for his performance in Akira at the MTV Movie Awards. Reeves and co-star Reiko Chiba shared the award for Best Kiss, and Reeves also took home the Best Male Performance award, beating out odds-on favorite Denzel Washington in Malcolm X.

January 3, 1994
HOLLYWOOD (AP) – As Hollywood’s fever for adapting Japanese media properties grows, Universal Pictures announced today that 19-year-old Tobey Maguire has been tapped to play Rick Hunter in an upcoming feature-film version of the classic Robotech animated series. Alex Winter (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Point Break, the upcoming Speed) will play Hunter’s big brother and mentor, Colonel Roy Fokker, while Winona Ryder has been linked to the female lead role, Commander Lisa Hayes.

June 10, 1995
BURBANK, Calif. (AP) – Not only did the MTV Movie Awards end in a tie, but Quentin Tarantino himself was tongue-tied.

“Pop quiz, hot shot! What do you do when you’ve been going to award show after award show all year long, and keep losing to Forrest Gump?” the rambunctious director asked the crowd toward the end of the evening. “You go to the MTV Movie Awards … only to run into Keanu (censored) Reeves? Dude, you’re a bigger (censored) buzzkill than Godzilla!”

What was expected to be Tarantino’s long-delayed awards-show triumph for Pulp Fiction turned into a twist not even he could have penned, as the conclusion to Reeve’s Akira series, released in the summer of 1994 and buoyed by a record voter turnout from Japan, nudged itself into half of the spotlight at the eleventh hour, earning an unprecedented tie in the Best Picture category.

For his part, Reeves promised his fans there was no truth to rumors of his impending retirement before escorting a flummoxed Tarantino from the stage.

The shocking results of the Best Picture voting will, at least temporarily, swing the spotlight away from the night’s other big surprise winner, George Carlin, who won Best Villain for his work in Speed.

July 1998
“Reeves, is that your grumpy face?” Alex Winter asks, before ducking out of the way of a couple of fingers’ worth of vegemite.

“How’s that for ‘disagreeable,’ Al?” Keanu Reeves shoots back from across the room, smiling. They’ve both heard the rumors, that this has been the winter – at least, in America – of their discontent, shooting what Reeves has called his “final run”: another sci-fi action piece called The Matrix.

Clearly, though, things are peaceful in Australia, where the bulk of the shooting will take place, before the Brothers Wachowski have their way with the footage in the editing room. For Reeves, playing the lead character (a “slightly more mature” version of Sho Kaneda, he says), it’s a peace he says he won after what he describes as “some pretty heavy conversations” – with himself.

“It was made clear to me that this is probably as good as I’m ever going to have it,” he says, grabbing another imported Ramune bottle from the mini-fridge. By whom? “Why, by myself, of course.” A twinkle flashes in his eyes, briefly, before handing a second soda to Winter, here playing the baddie, a rather humorless chap called Agent Smith. But what next?

“I don’t know, maybe I can help more good stories find an audience,” he says. “I hear good things about this one anime – ‘Cowboy Bebop,’ it’s called …”
- Excerpted from “Reeves’ & Winter’s Last Adventure,” by Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, July 16, 1998.

So, since I’m a jerk, I watched part of the Bin Laden press conference, read the post-play this morning, and waited for the inevitable conspiracy theory to pop up.

I didn’t have to wait long. In an elevator, someone leaned over to me and confided, “Oh, I hope you don’t believe that’s real. Where’s the body? If they killed him, they’d have a body, right? I won’t believe he’s dead till I see the body.”

According to reports, the body was buried at sea.

So I cracked, “Well, we’ll just have to wait till he drops an album with Tupac. They could call it “Until The End of Time (We’re Staying in Cuba.)”

And while Amaru records is working on that, can someone please call Aaron MacGruder? It’s time for him to finish that plotline where Riley was gonna remake himself as a rapper named Bin Laden, and Huey was calling in tips about Americans aiding Bin Laden.

But if he came back, it would only be a matter of time before Lalo Alcaraz brought back the Beandocks:

Which means there would be two indignant ass brown folks in the daily comics pages, and that would be two too many.

Bush 1 and Bush 2 (a.k.a. The Empire Strikes Back at Your Foxhole!) both decide to change their phone numbers since the Navy Seals who carried out the operation keep leaving voice messages like this:

At the Dyson Show, me and the producers were creating the fantasy playlist for Obama’s next press conference. I forgot what Teria said, but I put the question on Twitter.

I went with:

Carmen suggested:

Obama can’t continue to brush dirt off his shoulder, especially as half of it already landed on the Donald’s toupee during the Press Correspondent’s Dinner.

Sophia Coppola needs to clear out her schedule to do the Osama biopic, especially considering her penchant for 80s music and wrecked mansions.

Exhibit A: The final scene in Marie Antoinette.

Exhibit B: Osama’s mansion, post-mission.

Coincidence? Or artistic retelling just waiting to happen?

Arturo disagrees. Clearly, the next shots released of Bin Laden’s mansion will have the promo line “Next time, on Extreme Home Makeover…”

Also, Arturo reminds us not to believe the Navy Seals just yet – another prominent assassin has taken credit for Bin Laden’s downfall:

This is the second installation of Pierre Bennu’s Black Moses Barbie series.  In this ep: Black Moses Barbie has to use her Motivational Freedom Rifle…but not on whom you’d think.

Black Moses Barbie commercial #2 of 3 from pierre bennu on Vimeo.

Transcript after the jump.

Music: Mmmmmmmm (woo woo woo)….Black Moses Baaaar-bieeeee.

(Doorbell rings)

Slave Catcher 1: Hey, Cat Lady.  Sorry to barge in unannounced, but we’re looking for some escaped slaves that may have popped through here. You know the type: big, brawny, built like a stallion–

(Cat meows)

—golden-brown skin, and they absolutely hate to do work.  We need them to build this country’s infrastructure, of course, but they can’t seem to get their savage minds around the concept of working for free under inhumanly brutal conditions. They hate it.

I hope you don’t mind if we take a look around, do you?

(Cat meows)

Cat Lady: Feel free to take a look around, boys. But there’s nobody here–

(Cats meow randomly)

–but me and my cats.

(Cat purrs)

Runaway Ken: (murmurs) Oh my gosh!

Runaway Christie: (murmurs) Oh my gosh!

Runaway Ken: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Christie: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Ken: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Christie: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Ken: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Christie: Oh my gosh!

Runaway Ken: Oh my gosh–

Black Moses Barbie: Sh!

Slave Catcher 1: You know, there’s one thing I loathe more than cats, and that’s the n-word: “non-truthtellers.”

(Cat purrs)

Now if I were to find you were harboring slaves on the premises, that would make you an nnnnon-truthteller.  And the penalties would be quite severe. Quite!

(Cat hisses)

Slave Catcher 2: Hey, boss, I think I smell something.

Slave Catcher 1: Nyeah, I smell somebody.

Slave Catcher 2: Yeah, or maybe three-fifth of somebody. Heh heh heh.

Black Moses Barbie: Kiss three-fifths of this!

Slave Catcher 1: Why, it’s Black Moses herself!

Slave Catcher 2: (simultaneously) Harriet Tubman!

(Rifle cocks. Cat screeches. Gun shots.)

Slave Catcher 1: Nyeah.

Cat Lady: Ahhh, Harriet? What is that scent you’re wearing, dear? I absolutely love it.

Black Moses Barbie: It’s the sweet scent of freedom.

(Black Moses Barbie and Cat Lady laugh)

Black Moses Barbie: You really need to change that kitty litter.

Music: Mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm.

Announcer: Black Moses Barbie Underground Dream House comes complete with Cat Lady Abolitionist. Scent of Freedom fragrance sold separately.

By Arturo R. García

Bill Cosby seems to be behind the idea of a “Muslim Cosby Show,” which is understandable – until we remember that he paid for research that contradicts his argument on its behalf.

According to The Root.com’s Jenée Desmond-Harris , Cosby called the site to defend the concept, brought up almost flippantly by CBS’ Katie Couric on her webseries this past December. As part of a panel discussion – which included Desmond-Harris’ colleague, Sheryl Huggins Salomon – Couric made this suggestion:

Maybe we need a Muslim version of The Cosby Show… I know that sounds crazy, I know that sounds crazy. But The Cosby Show did so much to change attitudes about African-Americans in this country, and I think sometimes people are afraid of what they don’t understand — like you, Mo… If they became part of the popular culture …

During the call, Desmond-Harris wrote, Cosby emphasized his show’s focus on the family unit as a way viewers could find common ground:

When I get into taxicabs and/or limousines — and you know the taxicab situation in Washington, D.C.; that’s little Africa — every time I take the cab and I go to the hotel — the Madison, the Jefferson — the guy will look in the rearview mirror with recognition. And then I say, ‘How is the family?’

That’s when [the cab drivers] will break out pictures of the children. These are people from different countries in Africa, all of ‘em males — I’ve not met the females yet. But they talk about the family, they talk about what the children are doing, what they themselves are doing. They work 16 hours a day, and they all echo the same thing: You know why I like that [Cosby] show? Because it’s about family.

Later in the interview, he says a family-friendly show involving American Muslims would “put the truth out” and force the viewers to ask themselves key questions:

Am I a person who needs to change my attitude about [someone]? Was I a hater, and enjoying hating, and enjoying the fact that I really did not understand? That like an awful lot of racists, I didn’t care to know the truth, I just enjoyed hating? In the Muslim religion and culture, it can be different [from what we believe], but it’s what they believe in. If we take the good [from it] and the good works, it’s all there and it’s all about the same thing: Do good unto others. The strength of oneself.

What Cosby doesn’t mention are the less-than-positive results of a study he funded by University of Massachusetts-Amherst professors Sut Jhally and Justin M. Lewis, released in 1992 under the title Enlightened Racism: The Cosby Show, Audiences and the Myth of the American Dream. A synopsis of the findings is posted at Professor Jhally’s website:

[The Cosby Show] promotes the dangerous myth that blacks who don’t “make it” have only themselves to blame. The authors interviewed 52 focus groups, learning that viewers involve themselves deeply with the show and often see it as reality. White viewers can identify with and accept TV’s Huxtable family as “nice” blacks; black viewers appreciate the show’s lack of racial stereotyping. However, the authors argue, The Cosby Show ‘s images of the black upper class — like most images broadcast in recent years — hide and distort how most blacks live, thus relieving white viewers of responsibility for such inequalities.

However, Azeem Ibrahim, a Fellow and Member of the Board of Directors at the Institute for Social Policy and Understanding, defended the idea in a column for Illume Magazine, citing the work of playwright Wajahat Ali as a guidepost:

Ali’s characters bicker, laugh, complain, pontificate and discuss topical issues such as racial profiling, the War in Afghanistan, religious values and the importance of lamb biryani in a refreshingly honest, self critical and amusing manner reflecting the diversity of opinions that exists within Muslim communities.

But the core of the play deals with their very common and universal issues that everyone struggles with on a daily basis regardless of religion or race — questions of identity, purpose, sibling rivalry, dating, and parental expectations. The globalized dialogue, which mixes slang, proper English, Urdu and Arabic, feels authentic and reflects the multicultural mosaic of modern America.

By creating real, complex human characters, who just happen to be Muslim and American, Ali’s play illuminates the beautiful thread of commonality that exists and is shared between two allegedly alien cultures that some incorrectly assume are destined to clash. The play is a rare cultural story that simultaneously satisfies both Muslim and non Muslim audiences and proves conclusively that being Muslim and American is not mutually exclusive.

Plays like The Domestic Crusaders and TV shows like The Cosby Show cannot shoulder the burden in magically erasing bigotry and the cultural divides that persist. However, these universal stories, in conjunction with active political and civic engagement, education, responsible and effective foreign policy, fair and balanced stories by the media, and successful partnerships with multicultural communities, can help eliminate fear and misunderstanding.

Phrased like that, the thought of an American counterpart to Canada’s Little Mosque On The Prairie sounds more plausible. But if anything, a more informal “study” by The Daily Show’s Aasif Mandvi showed … well, it’s apparently going to take a lot to win over the “average American”:

In the story, Mandvi interviews Cordoba Initiative chairman Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf and Dr. Alvin Poussaint, a consultant on The Cosby Show, before unveiling a near pitch-perfect mock-up of the show featuring a suburbanite family – the teenage son listens to Toby Keith! – to a focus group that is less than receptive, offering up these critiques:

• “If you’re trying to portray Islam, maybe you should talk about Islam.”
• “You gotta have that closet terrorist or something.”
• “You could have, like, an uncle Rahib or something, who came over and he’s a Bedouin and he lives in the basement in a sandbox or something, with a goat.”

Like a lot of the Daily’s best stories, Mandvi’s conclusion is as cringe-worthy as it is true: “Apparently, the best way for a show to combat Muslim stereotypes is to confirm Muslim stereotypes.” It would seem Jhally’s and Lewis’ findings still hold up.

I guess I’m not the only one who found the solemnity-yet-randomness of the Black History Month Minutes in my youth a tad ridiculous.  I understood why the segments were needed and learned a lot from them–and still found my hand in front of my giggling mouth.  The comic troupe Elite Delta Force 3 may have felt the same way.

This is their send-up of some of the women–and a couple of the men–who helped shape the civil rights movements in the US and South Africa as well as the foolish tropes of the Real Housewives franchise; the troupe is more directly spoofing Real Housewives of Atlanta. Check out The Real Housewives of Civil Rights (RHOCR).

Yes, that’s Wayne Brady as “The Dr. Reverend Martin Luther King.” Yes, that’s “Coretta Scott King” (Robin Thede) admitting “Malcolm X” fathered the youngest King kid.  (As much as we know about Dr. King’s marital infidelities, as far as I know, all King’s children were sired by him.)  Yes, that is Marilyn Monroe (Angela Yarborough), who The Root says is supposed to resemble RHOA‘s Kim Zolciak. (Other sources say that Monroe was actually pro-racial equality, so her inclusion has some historical basis.)  And yes, that is a rotary car phone.

I’d put this webisode in the same humor section as Black Moses Barbie: both are taking the piss out of the the near-deified images we have of critically beloved Black heroes. Like using Barbie dolls to encapsulate the story of Harriet Tubman, Elite Delta Force uses the “oh no they didn’t” frisson of placing these women and men–often seen as paragons of righteous Black folks who did their damnedest to uplift The Race in their own ways–in situations and saying things that would get their Righteous Black Folks’ Cards yanked.   Viewers like me–deeply ingrained with love for what these people did that allowed me, the Altanta housewives, and Elite Delta Force to be here and be our Black female selves in 2011–can both raise our eyebrows and laugh out loud.

Where the troupe goes off-point for me is with Winnie Mandela and Malcolm X. The chracterization doesn’t seem so specifically and historically based on Mandela so much as I got an affable Earth Mother Africa stereotype with a generic “African” accent and generic “African” gear.  I felt the same about how El Hajj Malik El-Shabazz is portrayed: I understand that he is a man rendered inelegant due to dealing with the fallout from a tryst with his wife’s friend, but I think it would have been funnier if the actor played with Shabazz’s well-known fiery eloquence, even if he has to Denzel it.

I also know some people are feeling some kind of way about RHOCR, as witnessed in the comment section on YouTube.

while there was some humor; I thought it was in poor taste for the most part. It belittled the true ladies who were in their own right important in the struggle for equal and human rights.

…

Wow somehow this seems wrong cause its Black History month . Sorry none of it was funny to me . Those people lives has now been rendered a joke . This is a mockery . But you wanna know what’s funny? They suffered gaining us Civil Rights only for somebody to call something like this humor? If white people would have did this I wonder if y’all would be laughing . This is a slap in the face coming from us our pride is gone.

…

wow ..the late Coretta Scott King is referred to as a b!tch, and a “baby’s Mama”, to someone Martin once was at odds with ..and ya’ll just think we should laugh at it? That’s the problem …blacks folks laugh at a lil’ too much of everythang, and what’s even sadder, is that we’ll laugh along w/ whites at this kinda shit..(people who are just laughing AT us) *smDh*

…

Coonery!!!!

I can respect that–it seems that we young(er)bloods are laughing at people who died tragic or vicious deaths or are still alive. Our laughter seems to be disrespecting our elders.  But it begs a couple of questions: when does it become “safe” to laugh about the ancestors and our own current ridiculousness?  Does every conversation about Black heroes have to be a Teaching Moment? Would this be the kind of comedy Dr. King would come back and yell at us for?

I’m not sure.  I just plan to keep my hand in front of my mouth.

Image credit: granemporium.com

I first saw this on my Twitter pal Ludovic Blain‘s Facebook page and fell off my work stool in laughter. Perhaps I was dead wrong for doing so, but I’ll own it. Check it out:

Black Moses Barbie (Harriet Tubman Commercial) (1 of 3) from pierre bennu on Vimeo.

This is the blurb:

This mock commercial for a Black Moses Barbie toy celebrating the legacy of Harriet Tubman is part of Pierre Bennu’s larger series of paintings and films deconstructing and re-envisioning images of people of color in commercial and pop culture.

Two more commercials for this hypothetical toy will be posted throughout Black History Month 2011.

The transcript after the jump.

Music: Mmmmmmmm (woo woo woo)….Black Moses Baaaar-bieeeee.

Runaway Ken: Oh no! I think we’re lost!

Runaway Christie: (Simultaneously) We’ll never be free!

Black Moses Barbie: Hey kids! Looking for freedom?

Black Ken: It’s Harriet Tubman!

Black Christie: It’s Black Moses!

Black Moses Barbie: On the other side of this tree you’ll find a cave. Go through the cave, make a quick left–

Runaway Ken and Runaway Christie: –mmm hmmmm–

Black Moses Barbie: –and you’ll see a boat.

Runaway Ken and Runaway Christie: –okay–

Black Moses Barbie: Inside of that boat you’ll see a pair of oars…

Runaway Ken and Runaway Christie: …

Black Moses Barbie: …FREEDOM oars!

Runaway Ken and Runaway Christie: WWWOW!

Black Moses Barbie: Paddle north and make your way to freedom.

Runaway Ken: Runaway Christie?

Runaway Christie: Yeah, Runaway Ken?

Runaway Ken: This is all kind of scary.

Black Moses Barbie: Freedom–true freedom–is daunting.

Runaway Christie: I know, Runaway Ken, but–

Black Moses Barbie: –you’ve come this far, but you have to know you’re ready.

Runaway Christie: You know she’s been known to hold a gun on folks who…hesitate.

Black Moses Barbie: I never ran my train off the track–

(Sound of shotgun loading)

Black Moses Barbie: –and I never lost a passenger.

(Pause)

Runaway Ken: (singing) Doo doo de doo  be doo doo–

Runaway Christie: (simultaneously) Oookay.  Walking, walking, walking to freedom–

Runaway Ken: –for me.

Music: Mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm.

Announcer: Black Moses Barbie comes complete with Motivational Freedom Rifle. Freedom Oars sold separately.

Dear Mr. Groban:

Congratulations on being picked to sing the U.S. national anthem at next Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game.

No, really.

Just remember, though, that you’ve got your work cut out for you. You’ll have competition both on the court, and from the echoes of history.

First, as you know, you won’t be the only singer doing something nationalisticpatriotic that day: a fella named Aion Clarke will be singing the Canadian national anthem. You’ve got a slight advantage here, since the name might not ring a bell with most of your potential viewership this Sunday. But, based off of this track, the guy doesn’t sound bad.

Unfortunately for you, though, by accepting your assignment, you have all but assuredly chosen to step into the shadow of the man who managed to make “The Star Spangled Banner” … seductive. In Los Angeles, no less. Whatever longtime fans are watching, either at the Staples Center or at home, will no doubt compare you – for better or worse – to Marvin Gaye. Here’s why:

So, no pressure. Good luck – and, uh, try not to mess up the words, k?

By Guest Contributor Nadine Moawad, cross-posted from Sawt Al Niswa

Via readers Lola and Ron, I watched a video from Cracked.com called “The Five White Characters In Every Tyler Perry Movie.”

(Interestingly, I was a bit more amused by the Newcastle Brown Ale spin on the adoption narrative commercial that appears permanently coupled with the video.)

Cracked doesn’t allow embedding, but here’s a couple screen grabs that are really all you need to know.

The comedian, Eliza Skinner, jokes that there are only five roles that a white woman can play in a Tyler Perry movie: the new white girlfriend, the evil corporate boss, the hooker, the new white wife, and the nasty shopkeeper. Leaving aside that all of these characters don’t actually appear in most of Perry’s movies (she also left out the white friend, played by Kathy Bates in the Family that Preys), I couldn’t really find the joke funny.

For me, it just reinforced how even in “black movies,” there is still space for white people. But that doesn’t work the other way around.

I tried to think up how we could flip this around.

What are the top five black characters in a Judd Apatow…never mind.

Top five black characters in a Michael Bay…nope, not there either.

Steven Spielberg’s got Amistad and The Color Purple under his belt, but these movies were based on existing historical moments or texts.

Then I wondered if we could expand it – if it would fare any better if we included more POCs. But still no. (Five black characters in a romcom won’t work either. Maybe if we dropped it down to two…)

Even hunting for stereotypical roles in modern movies, it would appear that in many, many mainstream cinematic creations, nonwhite people only exist as extras. Even the black sidekick phenomenon is on the wane.

Readers, can you think of any current directors who cast enough characters of color in their movies for us to make jokes out of?

Edited to Add: Michael Bay did Bad Boys I and II. I’m not giving him a pass, but he has shown it is possible have a major movie with two black leads. (Side note: And what is this Bad Boys III they speak of “in development.” Damn IMDB pro!) ( Super side note: I’m not going to lie – I got a little giddy when Simon Pegg & Nick Frost fashion themsevles after Bad Boys in Hot Fuzz.) Thanks Malones!

Editor’s Note – Please read the piece carefully – and thoroughly – before commenting. – LDP

After reading an article recently claiming that Tea Party demonstrators, angered over the healthcare bill, were shouting out “nigger” at members of the Black Congressional Caucus, as a Black American, I felt compelled to weigh in. For the past two years, politicians, journalists, bloggers, and political pundits have debated the merits of whether demonstrations against Barack Obama are racially motivated. The fodder was fueled on at least two occasions when former President Jimmy Carter stated that an overwhelming portion of the bitter outcry is racially inclined. With all due respect, Jimmy Carter needs to go back to selling peanuts. Speaking out against a person of color does not make one a racist. Just as speaking out against a woman doesn’t make you sexist, nor does raging against Islam’s radical ideas make you xenophobic.

It’s time for us Black people to stop crying racism every time someone says something mildly critical. We cannot continue to blame “the white man” for our own mishaps and misfortunes, no matter how seemingly institutionalized it appears. Shame on you. What evidence do you have to suggest that well-meaning, hard working, God fearing white Americans revolting against every priority, policy, and decision of this administration are projecting racial animosity? Of course there are a couple of isolated incidents out there, but those incidents aren’t proof in and of themselves, unless there is a significant enough body of examples to suggest a trend or pattern of abuse exists.

Look, I remember all the “misunderstandings” that happened before the election just like everyone else. I remember when McCain ousted a campaign official in Virginia for writing that “if Obama were elected he’d hire rapper Ludacris to paint the White House black and change the national anthem to the “Negro National Anthem…” But, it’s Virginia, folks. What does one expect?

Yes, I do remember when the president of a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County, CA resigned after sending out that newsletter with Obama’s face on a fake food-stamp coupon surrounded by ribs, watermelon, and fried chicken. What’s so racist about that? Everybody knows that we love watermelon.

But, that stuff was during the campaign when tempers flared high and people often made misguided comments in the heat of battle. What about since the election you ask? Oh, I knew you were gonna bring that up. When that aide to state Senator Diane Black of Tennessee, sent an e-mail to staffers showing the first 43 commanders-in-chief in presidential poses, while displaying Obama’s image with enormous white cartoonish eyes on a black background, she was just poking a little political fun. She didn’t mean anything by it. You know how you sometimes turn people into cartoons to make them seem juvenile, shiftless, or idiotic. Yes, like in old Amos and Andy photos. I mean, no, not like that at all. Like a cartoon. Stop trying to twist up my words and make everything about race.

What’s that? Oh, the incident involving the vice chairman of the Collin County Republican party in Texas who sent an email to local Republican clubs calling a proposed $50 fire arms tax “another terrific idea from the black house and its minions”? She was just angry over Obama trying to stifle our 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. How is that about race?

What? Last June South Carolina Republican activist Rusty DePass compared an escaped gorilla from the Columbia Zoo to Michelle Obama’s ancestors? Well, that was way out of line. I hope that guy apologized for being so insensitive. But that was just an isolated incident. Huh? You say that wasn’t the only incident? The New York Post editorial cartoon with the police shooting a gorilla and saying “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill” is sort of similar. But, not really. That was just a coincidence because that escaped gorilla in South Carolina was in the news that week and the cartoonist was merely connecting two separate national stories and making a clever reference. That’s not racial, that’s funny.

Wait a minute. When US Rep Lynn Jenkins of Kansas said last summer that the Republican Party was looking for “a great white hope” to lead the party into the future, she later denied any racial intent. What I think she meant was she wanted to find a clean-cut, charismatic, well-spoken candidate to do what Obama had done for the Democrats. She wasn’t necessarily insinuating that the candidate has to be white. I know it sounds akin to the racial fears of white America when Blacks began to dominate in the sport of boxing during the early 20th century, but that was almost 100 years ago. Whites no longer see Blacks as a threat to their careers, leisure, and lifestyles.

Okay, stop. I don’t really care if there are more examples. None of these necessarily prove that the uproar against Obama’s presidency is about race, only that Americans are dissatisfied with the current state of the union. And, who can blame them. We are starting to get way too close to giving Blacks preferential treatment, letting Mexicans into the country illegally, and allowing Muslims free reign to do what they want. If anyone is racist, it’s Obama, just as Glenn Beck stated. Obama “has a deep seated hatred for white people or the white culture…” Glenn you da’ man. You nailed it, buddy; Beck was simply telling the truth and tapping into the insecurities of many Americans, not just whites. He was simply calling a spade a spade. But, I guess with all the emphasis on diversity, political correctness, and multiculturalism, it’s not okay to call Blacks, Mexicans, or Muslims racists. We need to start stop whining, take responsibility for our actions, and stop blaming white people for all of our problems.

Look, it’s ridiculous that 1.4 million African American men (13 percent) have currently or permanently lost their right to vote as a result of a felony conviction. But, if we stop engaging in illegal activities, law enforcement wouldn’t have to infiltrate our neighborhoods or streets, and we’d stay out of prison. Sure a Maryland study showed, for example, that Black and white drivers violate traffic codes at equal rates, yet approximately 72% of motorist stopped and then arrested are Black. Or the study on the New Jersey turnpike that found only 13.5 percent of cars on the road had a Black driver or passenger, yet 73.2 percent of motorists stopped and the arrested were Black. But, that is just two studies, which is not representative of a social epidemic. If we stop breaking the law, the police will not be suspicious of us.

It’s simple, folks. Get a good job, work hard, buy a home, and you can live the American dream just like white Americans. Okay, I understand that African Americans are more likely to be told that housing in predominately white neighborhoods is not available or they are directed to predominately Black neighborhoods, but that is only because the realtors think we will be more comfortable around other Black people. That’s not racist, that’s trying to help Blacks feel more welcome by putting us around our own kind. It’s really not that difficult to purchase a home. Just because in 2002, African Americans had a median net worth of $5,998, compared to $88,651 for whites , doesn’t mean we can’t save up for a down payment, realty fees, closing costs, and monthly mortgage payments. Anyway, that statistic was like eight years ago. We have to be up to around $5,999 or $6,000 by now. Come on. We have a Black president. Show some pride, people.

If we would pay more attention in school, we would be more successful later in life. Okay, I’m a realistic guy. I understand that at the age of three, only 45 percent of African American children are enrolled in early childhood education. But the other 55 percent have no excuse for not succeeding. It’s not just about being in school anyway, it’s about what you do when you get there. Nearly 20 percent of black students are held back at least once, while only 9 percent of white students have repeated a grade. That’s because the white kids pay way more attention than we do. White kids are meticulous, relating culturally to characters in history books, feeling comfortable with the teacher’s vernacular, and connecting to the literature written by predominately white American and British authors. Okay, well, maybe we have a legitimate reason for not being as successful in the liberal arts, but we have no excuse in math and science. Numbers are the same everywhere, and the elements of the periodic table or the classification of stars are not culturally biased. Larger class size, under-qualified teachers, and a lack of educational resources are also not justification for not learning. Let go of the excuses people, they are only there to placate you and hinder your intellectual growth and feeling of connectedness to the educational system.

And, don’t get me started on healthcare. That’s how this whole silly argument got started in the first place. I understand that Black infants are nearly two-and-one-half times more likely than white infants to die before their first birthday. Even Cuban babies have a better chance of surviving than Black children in the US. But, we are survivors. That is how we made it out of slavery and through Jim Crow with our forty acres intact. Sure two-thirds of new AIDS cases among teens are Black, Blacks are three times more likely to be hospitalized than whites, and 30 percent more likely to die from cancer than whites. But, access to affordable healthcare will only make us more co-dependent on the American government. So, I for one am supportive of the protests against recently passed Obamacare, even if protesters are carrying around signs with pictures of Obama dressed like an African witch doctor, which may seem to have coincidental racial undertones, but it’s not racial. After all, the healthcare debate, just like all other Obama policies, have nothing to do with race.

I’d be willing to bet my life on it.

You gotta laugh or you’ll cry: reader Dov sent us a link to an article about a flight attendant who used Taekwondo to subdue a passenger on a bad trip from too many medical marijuana cookies.  The passenger was Chinese-American, so CBS decided to run a photo of fortune cookies and marijuana leaves as illustration for this quirky news bit.  Because that’s the only kind of cookie that Chinese people eat, right? Ha! Ha!

As Dov writes:

The story concerns a Chinese-American airline passenger who freaked out on a flight after having a bad reaction for medical marijuana cookies and had to be restrained by a flight attendant with a black belt.

The first two photos are of the flight attendant (in her gi) and the Chinese-American passenger. The third photo shows fortune cookies and a marijuana leaf.

Nowhere in the article does it say that the medical marijuana cookies were fortune cookies. The choice to use fortune cookies seems to be solely due to the race of the passenger.

I don’t know about baked good with drugs in them. (Really. I swear)  But I do know that fortune cookies are a task and a half to make.  Dear CBS, haven’t you heard that along with a ravenous appetite for fortune cookies, Chinese people also love efficiency? No Chinese person worth their salt would spend hours making marijuana fortune cookies when they could just make Sara Lee brownies out of a box…(/sarcasm)

While we’re on the topic, I should mention that fortune cookies are not exactly a good illustration of Chineseness.  Fortune cookies, while based on a Japanese prototype, are actually 100% American.  From Wikipedia:

Makoto Hagiwara of Golden Gate Park’s Japanese Tea Garden in San Francisco is reported to have been the first person in America to have served the American version of the cookie when he did so at the tea garden in 1890s or early 1900s. The fortune cookies were made by a San Francisco bakery, Benkyodo.[2][3][4]

David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle Company in Los Angeles, has made a competing claim that he invented the cookie in 1918…

Seiichi Kito, the founder of Fugetsu-do of Little Tokyo in Los Angeles, also claims to have invented the cookie…

–
Photo courtesy of – of course – CBS. Happy Lunar New Year to you too, jerks!

After re-reading some of the responses to the Ciara/Justin Timberlake post and extensively confabbing over brunches about it, we finally figured out that the greatest transgression Ciara committed wasn’t the BDSM imagery (though some wanted to switch the argument from that to “this is just racist!” or otherwise dodge-the-discomfort comments and conversations) or that she and her gurls were doing their private dance for a white guy.  It was the white guy himself.

Then we did a bit of snooping. Thanks to our gal-pal in the sex & relationship scene, Twanna Hines of Funky Brown Chick, we found an Essence listing of white guys who have paired with Black women.  We looked at the posts—and at each other—and decided that they didn’t go far enough.

Therefore, in an effort to make sure such a pop-culture faux-pas don’t happen again, we’ve composed a list of white guys who are deemed The Race™-sanctioned—any Black female performer can be seen with these white performers and know she’s doing right by Us™. Our criteria:

1. We know they’ve dated, are dating, are married to, have and/or have babies by Black women. (Having Black or Black biracial daughters, adopted or biological, is an added bonus. ‘Cause, as some of us wanna believe, if the white guy can touch/sex up/adopt/father a sistah, they can not possibly be…well, you know the rhetoric.)
2. They can actually have performing-arts skills. (This leaves out Kevin “K-Fed” Federline.)
3. They’re famous in their own right. (This kinda sorta leaves out Gabriel Aubry. Some early men-watchers know him as a model. But many more know him for siring Halle Berry’s baby. If you don’t believe us, say Aubry’s name and “model.” Then say Aubry’s name and “Halle Berry’s baby’s daddy.” Record the results.)
4. We get the 6^th Sense* that they’ve been with sistahs but aren’t talking about it.
5. We sistahs have sensed the sexual tension between these dudes and the sistahs on-screen.
6. They’re not Justin Timberlake.

So, in some sort of brunch drink-induced order, and with some of the sexiest snaps we can find on Google (oh yeah, the numbers correspond to the criterion/a we believe these guys fit. We assumed points 2, 3, and 6 for all of them):

• Daniel Craig (5–Die Another Day)
• Javier Bardem (4)
• Viggo Mortensen (4)
• Brad Pitt (1—dated Robin Givens and, of course, Zahara Jolie-Pitt)
• Gerard Butler (1–dated Naomi Campbell)
• Justin Chambers (1–married and father)
• Chris Noth (1—partnered and father)



• Joseph Fiennes (allegedly 1–with, again, Naomi Campbell)
• Daniel Radcliffe (4)
• Luke Goss (1–partnered)
• Clive Owen (5–The Rich Man’s Wife)
• John Turturro (5—Jungle Fever)
• Ryan Gosling (4)
• Robert DeNiro (sooooo 1—in fact, he gets the Lifetime Top-of-the-List membership)
• Robin Thicke (another 1–not quite on the top of the Lifetime Membership List because DeNiro is older and dated/gotten monogamous with sistahs when Thicke was an itch in his parents’ pants. Gotta respect the elders. ::: fist pump :::)
• Jon “Color Me Down Wit’ The Brown” B. (according to the song, definitely 1)
• Ed Harris (4)
• Harvey Keitel (4)
• Robert Forster (5—Jackie Brown)
• Hugh Jackman (1—adopted WA/AOC daughter)
• Colin Farrell (1—partnered and father)
• Ron Perlman (1—married with children)
• David Bowie (1—married with child. And if we have to tell you who his wife is…)
• Jeff Goldblum (5—Deep Cover, anyone?)

The following fellas we had to classify under, “You’d Think So…But No”:

• Michael Rappoport
• Ben Affleck
• Bill “I’m Not ‘Down,’ Just Visiting” Maher
• Eminem
• Jimmy Kimmel
• Beastie Boys
• Snow
• Vanilla Ice
• Ashton Kutchner
• Edward Norton
• Matthew “Primal Drumbeat” McConaughey…who gets a Special Edition Sizzling Sistagirl Side-Eye Supreme for acting up dippy-hippie style while girlfriend Camila Alves was in labor with their firstborn 

Of course, we’d be remiss in our Racial Duty™ if we didn’t issue these warnings….errrmmm, special mentions:

• Went Black, Came Back Award: Bruce Willis
• Don’t Date Him Gurl Award: Quentin Tarantino

We implore our acting/singing sistahs to carry this list to every audition, contract negotiation, and video casting so we can all avoid further on- and offline vituperations.

And if you, my performing sistah, disagree with The List?

Your Black Card™ will be revoked.**

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*The Sistah 6^th Sense—the intuitive knowledge that the white person will not cause race-based psychic damage through microagressions and/or otherwise unchecked sense of entitlement or white-skin (and, in this case, –male) privilege. Thus they’re dating/sexing/marrying/making babies with Black women ‘cause they respect Black women…and think we’re total babes. It’s not always right, mind you. 

**Revocation of said Black Card™ may result in the former holder being subjected to the following treatment by any Black Card™ carrier: public side-eye, regular authenticity-questioning, and an embarrassingly frosty reception at the NAACP Image Awards.

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(Special h/t to Tami of What Tami Said for McConaughey write-up. Thanks to Thea Lim for coining the WA/AOC –white ancestor/ancestor of color–designation. And thanks to Latoya for helping out with the “You’d Think So….But No” Category.)

Photo Credits: Rihanna and Robin Thicke/Terry Richardson for GQ; Luke Goss/imdb.com; Bill Maher/HBO