Chromatic Casting: The All-Female Expendables

By Arturo R. García

Film bloggers got a bit abuzz last week at reports that an all-female spinoff of the Expendables franchise was being developed, with “several prominent actresses affiliated with the action genre” being contacted.

This being Hollywood, of course, don’t expect too much on the diversity front–heck, even seeing Jet Li as part of the crew in Sylvester Stallone’s original ensemble and Yu Nan and Terry Crews in the sequel–is about as good as we’re probably going to get in that series.

But here at Chromatic Casting, we know we can do better. And so we’ll give it a shot under the cut.

Keeping in mind that this series basically involves anthropomorphic tropes as characters, we won’t get too deep with the descriptions, but we’ll slot folks into some archetypal roles for the protagonist team, with the villains being a bit more fluid.

The Mastermind: CCH Pounder

The Field Leader: Gina Torres

The Second-In Command: Michelle Yeoh

The Hitter: Michelle Rodriguez

The Veterans: Pam Grier and Angela Bassett

The Up-And-Comer: Grace Park

(No, I know, this photo is potentially problematic. But you’d be surprised at the dearth of decent photos online of Park bearing arms as Boomer in BSG–or photos in general–that aren’t from a Maxim shoot or her emerging from the surf in Hawaii Five-0. And we’re trying for brand consistency here.)
UPDATE: New screencap provided by anomica. Thanks very much!

The Spy: Zoe Saldana

Saldana, on the other hand, can be seen wielding more weapons than an NRA convention.

And on the villainous side we could go with:

Salma Hayek

Lucy Liu

Kelly Hu

Eva Mendes

Queen Latifah

Jessica Alba

Now, off the top of my head, I think we’re on to something here. Would you watch this cast, Racializens?

  • Javan

    Chiaki Kuriyama as a rookie

  • LC

    Holy crap would I watch this film.

  • http://twitter.com/pixiepickle23 Annie O’Halloran

    Khandi Alexander would work well (for me, anyways) as the mastermind.

  • http://twitter.com/laguiri laguiri

    It would be cool to have a Brit WOC or two, as villain or as hero.

  • Sofie

    Can we add Mindy Kaling as a sarcastic, smart-ass computer genius in charge of logistics?

  • http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.downs.3192 Elizabeth Downs

    Yes, some of my favorite actresses are on this list.

  • http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.downs.3192 Elizabeth Downs

    Yes, some of my favorite actresses are on this list.

  • AFan

    I would pay ALL THE MONEY to see this film

  • AFan

    I would pay ALL THE MONEY to see this film

  • JenAbrams

    Yes, I would watch this cast. About fifty times. Doing really anything. They could read the phone book.

  • JenAbrams

    Yes, I would watch this cast. About fifty times. Doing really anything. They could read the phone book.

  • anomica
    • Anonymous

      I was very happy to take you up on the offer. Much obliged!

  • anomica
  • E

    I need this movie to happen. For reasons.

  • E

    I need this movie to happen. For reasons.

  • http://twitter.com/russ_whitfield Russell Whitfield

    There’s already one in development and partially cast: http://www.soldiergirlsmovie.com

  • http://twitter.com/russ_whitfield Russell Whitfield

    There’s already one in development and partially cast: http://www.soldiergirlsmovie.com

  • Kat
  • Kat
    • Anonymous

      Damn! I sit corrected – thanks, Kat!

    • Anonymous

      Damn! I sit corrected – thanks, Kat!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/5ZXIEGCAFZ4F7LBI6QTTN3YJCY Ashe

    I would watch the hell out of this. I’d also love to see Sigourney Weaver, Viola Davis and Gina Carano in there.

    Sadly, some would run away screaming at the sight of so much brown skin and vaginas.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/5ZXIEGCAFZ4F7LBI6QTTN3YJCY Ashe

    I would watch the hell out of this. I’d also love to see Sigourney Weaver, Viola Davis and Gina Carano in there.

    Sadly, some would run away screaming at the sight of so much brown skin and vaginas.

  • Beth

    I would like to see this movie. Could someone make it, please?

  • Beth

    I would like to see this movie. Could someone make it, please?

  • Anonymous

    I am so mad at y’all because I really want to see a movie with this casting LOL.

  • Anonymous

    I am so mad at y’all because I really want to see a movie with this casting LOL.

  • Aziza

    I would watch this so hard!! Not going to lie though, I was missing Vivica A. Fox in this lineup.

  • Aziza

    I would watch this so hard!! Not going to lie though, I was missing Vivica A. Fox in this lineup.

  • XiXi Top

    Great choices Arturo.
    Not only would i watch this movie, but I’d PAY to watch this movie.

    If I may, I’d like to throw some more actresses into the mix:
    The Mastermind: Sonia Braga
    Field Leader: Viola Davis
    The Hitter: Rose Rollins
    The Spy: Gong Li
    Villains: Naomie Harris
    Rosalyn Sanchez

  • XiXi Top

    Great choices Arturo.
    Not only would i watch this movie, but I’d PAY to watch this movie.

    If I may, I’d like to throw some more actresses into the mix:
    The Mastermind: Sonia Braga
    Field Leader: Viola Davis
    The Hitter: Rose Rollins
    The Spy: Gong Li
    Villains: Naomie Harris
    Rosalyn Sanchez

  • http://www.facebook.com/dominique.fougere Dominique Fougere

    Cool idea! Gina Carano was a real thrill in “Haywire” last year- that would be a name to add to either the Protagonist or Villian list!

  • http://www.facebook.com/dominique.fougere Dominique Fougere

    Cool idea! Gina Carano was a real thrill in “Haywire” last year- that would be a name to add to either the Protagonist or Villian list!

  • http://inprofessorialfashion.blogspot.com A-Dubs

    In a heartbeat!

  • http://inprofessorialfashion.blogspot.com A-Dubs

    In a heartbeat!

  • Matt E. Allen

    Well, you’ve sold me. This cast is money.

  • Matt E. Allen

    Well, you’ve sold me. This cast is money.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=561559463 Willa Taylor

    I would watch it at the movies, buy the DVD and stream it from Netflix and Hulu+ with this cast!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=561559463 Willa Taylor

    I would watch it at the movies, buy the DVD and stream it from Netflix and Hulu+ with this cast!

  • http://www.facebook.com/deena.bowman.18 Deena Bowman

    Heck yeah! Two thumbs up…way up!

  • http://www.facebook.com/deena.bowman.18 Deena Bowman

    Heck yeah! Two thumbs up…way up!

  • http://twitter.com/since1938 Natasha

    HELL TO THE YEAH!

  • http://twitter.com/since1938 Natasha

    HELL TO THE YEAH!

  • mekiraptor

    give me this movie. i will watch it. and buy it. and buy little action figures. all of them. such a gorgeous cast

  • mekiraptor

    give me this movie. i will watch it. and buy it. and buy little action figures. all of them. such a gorgeous cast

  • breezey77

    I would ABSOLUTELY watch this!!!!

  • breezey77

    I would ABSOLUTELY watch this!!!!

  • JT

    I would watch the HELL out of this film! I’d also nominate Vivica A. Fox as, perhaps, the weapons expert – she was outstanding in Kill Bill.

  • JT

    I would watch the HELL out of this film! I’d also nominate Vivica A. Fox as, perhaps, the weapons expert – she was outstanding in Kill Bill.

  • Ike

    I know this is supposed to be all-female, but just to turn the tropes around, Rain as the younger love interest who has awkward sexual tension with one of the older ladies.

  • Ike

    I know this is supposed to be all-female, but just to turn the tropes around, Rain as the younger love interest who has awkward sexual tension with one of the older ladies.

  • Ike

    I would watch the hell out of this, so long as they aren’t preposterously scantily-clad. I’d move a couple of the characters around, though, since Expendables had far more heroes than villains. Queen Latifah as the government agent who gets convinced to fight in the final battle. Jessica Alba as (spoiler alert, lol) the traitor. Lucy Liu as the “loner” cameo who saves the day in one of the battle scenes.

  • Ike

    I would watch the hell out of this, so long as they aren’t preposterously scantily-clad. I’d move a couple of the characters around, though, since Expendables had far more heroes than villains. Queen Latifah as the government agent who gets convinced to fight in the final battle. Jessica Alba as (spoiler alert, lol) the traitor. Lucy Liu as the “loner” cameo who saves the day in one of the battle scenes.

  • http://twitter.com/RnRPumpkin E-Bone

    I keep getting flashes of Vivica Fox. She was too dope during her 15 minutes in Kill Bill not to include. Why not throw in Chiaki Kuriyama as the wild card while we’re at it?

  • http://twitter.com/RnRPumpkin E-Bone

    I keep getting flashes of Vivica Fox. She was too dope during her 15 minutes in Kill Bill not to include. Why not throw in Chiaki Kuriyama as the wild card while we’re at it?