Finally! Some action. Two more episodes and the plot is starting to rise from the grave. Joe, Tami, Alea, and Carly join in our latest episode of “Decipher That Plot Point!”
Joe: I really hope they didn’t just use Japan earthquake coverage for that news segment.
Tami: Okay, True Blood, this storytelling is simply sloppy. First, according to the show’s canon, vampires existed for thousands of years under the radar without calling attention to their feeding on humans. But after two years with Tru Blood, vamps are unable to keep it together, despite the fact that there are plenty of “fangbangers” willing to donate blood willingly and despite possessing the ability to glamour the memory of a feeding out of any human. And doesn’t all this public slaughter undermine the public relations line Rev. Newlin is selling? I’m just sayin’…
Alea: I see what you mean, but I’m wondering if the 50% increase in vampire attacks stems not just from vampires being hungry, but also from mass hysteria [and/or previously underground factions of Sanguinistas just going buck wild]. If panic is indeed driving the lack of prudence on the part of vampires, then perhaps it’s supposed to be reminiscent of the increase of gun sales after Obama’s election?
Alea: This scene is seriously like a nightmare come true. Imagine if every creepy jerk in town suddenly gained the power to eat you. [Shudder.]
Tami: Also, regarding the cold open, wouldn’t it have been easier for Sookie to just rescind Coroner Mike’s invitation rather than impaling him on a chopstick? I can barely pick up a spicy tuna roll with chopsticks and Sookie is strong and dexterous enough to pierce flesh and bone with hers. I guess it’s the fae blood.
Joe: I’m assuming wood goes in a vampire like a hot knife through butter. Just grossed myself out.
Carly: Also all the chopsticks I get would’ve broken in my own freakin’ hand before making its way through clothing and flesh. That’s some high-quality product!
Alea: His weave looks like shit.
Tami: Though, if this were 1985, and I were still in high school, I’d probably find him hot.
He’s got a New Romantic thing going on. He’s like one part pre-plastic surgery trauma Pete Burns and one part Noel Fielding without the charm, talent, or endearing accent. Good Blockbuster reference, though, Vampire Pete Fielding.
Latoya: Eh, I just see him and feel an overwhelming urge to blast The Cure.
Alea: Maybe Pam, Tara, and the new sheriff all got their outfits from the same time capsule. Tara looks like she stole that jacket from Adam Ant and shrunk it. Also, who, exactly, is giving Elijah these directives? The order to breed–à la Quiverfull–is perfectly in line with the reactionary conservatism of the new regime.
Latoya: Hmm, good question. The Authority seems mired in their internal business–who has the time to create new directives?
Tami: Um, this may be off topic, but as long as Eric Northman lives on True Blood, I will be watching this show. That’s one helluva viking–even when on his knees, tripping on spiked goddess blood…maybe especially then…
Latoya: You’re only saying that because he keeps his hair trimmed now!
Alea: Nora is strong enough to hold Eric’s mouth open? I’m sure the bag under his eyes are supposed to connote that he’s in a weakened state, but I still don’t really buy it.
Latoya: They are blowing through that special Lilith V pretty quickly, aren’t they?
Alea: Has the amount in the vial decreased noticeably at all?
Latoya: Taking your word for it.
Latoya: FUCK YEAH GODRIC! He really is Jesus in this one.
Joe: Oh, ew. First, I watch the first episode of The Dresden Files (which prominently features a delightful evisceration) and now this, with the ever-naked and silent Lilith. Blehh.
Latoya: Why did that play out like Godzilla vs. Godzuki? (And wait, the Dresden Files is on? I think I need to watch Alphas before committing to a new series though.)
Carly: I am so ready for something awful to happen to Nora. Talk about only giving her one note to work with. Well… minus the crazy sex with her brother in the beginning….
Latoya: Russell and Steve are dancing to Katy Perry. Whyyyyy? And Steve really, really should have held out for Jason Stackhouse.
Joe: I literally said the same thing. Surely thousands of years would improve your musical taste. At least, what you play as romance music. Also, are there no other gay vampires in the world? They seemed to settle on each other, and hard, like, after an hour.
Latoya: You know Talbot would not have stood for this. Neither would Jar-Talbot.
Alea: I secretly really love “Teenage Dream.” Also, Steve is attracted to power and Russell loves being adored. Also, they’re the only two gay male vampires in The Authority’s inner circle. It makes a certain kind of sense.
Tami: Aaaand of course they cut to a long shot rather than show them kissing up close. Quite contrast to Tara’s short-lived relationship with a woman.
Joe: I would watch a spin off. “Watch My Racist Vampire Mom after Enlightened on HBO!”
Alea: Ditto. Pam is finally warming up to the role.
Latoya: I’m still a little blown about all this loyalty to Pam, but whatever. It’s getting more interesting, so I will go with it. When do we start the letter campaign to HBO?
Tami: “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthing no baby vampires.” Jesus.
Carly: It makes me sad to think that possibly very few viewers even know what that is a reference to.
Latoya: Confession–I didn’t. My only experience with GWTW is The Wind Done Gone.
Alea: “Ice your clam?” What in the hell? And when is Ginger going to learn to stop screaming about shit like…being covered in blood and viscera?
Latoya: I just put on “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta” in honor of Tara. She played his ass like Tiddlywinks.
Joe: Tara-related note: It seems like a lot of commenters on the boards are liking Tara more. I think it’s related to scenes like this where she kills a vampire older than her maker. Also: Isn’t there… like… a really bad penalty for killing another vampire? Wait, wait– I know. You have to turn another vampire, like Bill did to Jessica. Does this mean Tara is getting a daughter or a son? You can’t really hide killing a vampire sheriff.
Carly: Yeah but if there’s a big vampires-in-power shakeup… who would even hold them accountable?
Latoya: Hmm, Nan is dead. The other guy is dead. And you know Russell don’t care. It’s the end of the world, we ran out of vamp hall monitors.
Latoya: Wow, Hoyt. Eternal Sunshine for the Everlasting Vamp…man, I ain’t felt this conflicted since Tuck Everlasting.
Carly: Oh Hoyt, you got me. Teary-eyed and all. And see, this is the kind of storyline tie up I am dying for at this point. Not that I don’t appreciate the fresh faces–the new sheriff, Nora, the weres, the authority–but help a viewer out! I hope they keep Hoyt happy and far away from Bon Temps.
Tami: Gosh, I think there is something in my eye. Seriously, I think Hoyt announcing his departure and Jessica glamouring him was very well done. As useless and creepy as I find Hoyt, they did actually honor the established relationships between the characters. Too often, True Blood forgets about the relationships between its core characters. They really do all have great chemistry.
Joe: Lord. If Hoyt forgets Jason, wouldn’t his memories be a lot of him as a child playing with a blurry blob, like he’s in a permanent Claritin commercial? That’s a bit drastic.
Joe: Man, there’s something about seeing a grown man cry that gets you right here. (I’m pointing at my heart, not the back of my throat)
Joe: I’m enjoying this sudden surge of humans-acting-like-humans every now and again on the show lately. It’s nice to see this little brother-sister chat and teasing session.
Latoya: Oh my stars and garters–let me find out that Jason learned a few things being a cop. He actually used his brain!
Alea: When your dead grandmother leads you to some mystical-looking, old-ass scroll hidden under your floorboards, why go to an academic first instead of taking the damn thing straight to a faerie?
Latoya: Because we need to give characters something to do instead of developing their plot lines.
Latoya: Sam and Luna took a flight to NOLA? Instead of some form of flying/swimming animal? I guess TSA doesn’t exist in Bon Temps.
Joe: I was thinking… go-go-gadget animal! But, cheetahs are only as fast as cars, so that doesn’t make sense. Good thinking, Sam. Latoya and I would be two panting cheetahs on Route 10 at midnight.
Joe: Please, Laffy would have told Sam to cook his own damn food (as well he should) if he missed a payment.
Tami: So, Lala’s role now is channeling ghosts and cooking meals for Bon Temps’ white folks? I need Lafayette and Tara to get some business of their own.
Joe: Man, my heart dropped a little when I saw Russell still had Emma in the vampire bunker of doom. I mean, I… almost… know True Blood wouldn’t kill a little girl character, but, then again, (spoiler alert!) The Walking Dead did last season…
Latoya: My money is on Martha sacrificing herself in the den of the Authority. Emma is going to need so much therapy after this.
Tami: Eric is so faking this religious conversion.
Joe: How they don’t see it is pretty suspect. Also, I think seeing Godric get got shook Nora’s belief system a little.
Alea: Russell does not like having a lesser being forgive him for anything.
Carly: Rewatching, I’d say they’re all aware that not everyone is genuine… I mean what happens with Russell at the end. It’s pretty apparent, I think intentionally so, that Salome and Nora (and Bill?) are the only ones on this Lilith trip.
Alea: Bill’s “Praise Lilith” in the control room earlier seemed sincere and not very performative.
Latoya: Did Bill forget he’s talking to an abused church girl?
Joe: His tone is sounding a lot like every other Huffington Post commenter on a gay marriage article.
Tami: Yeah, recall that Jessica was happy to turn vamp to get away from her oppressive religious family. Same shit; different god(dess).
Joe: I feel real bad for the look on Jessica’s face in this scene. Like when you hear you have to go to church every Wednesday morning and Sunday in Catholic school. The good thing is that you know how to fake it when you don’t believe what your parents do. Previous experience 1-up!
Alea: Even if the whole thing is an act, Orthodox Bill is kind of quietly terrifying. Jess totally knows how to play this game. She’s already much more conservatively dressed and she’s placed herself in an unobtrusively observational position by pretending to read the good book in the corner.
Joe: I definitely had to look up how old Salome was. She’s down by 1000 years, folks. I wish she could have torn him a new one. She seemed… oddly defensive of faeries, didn’t she?
Latoya: Hmm, ideological schisms arise yet again. Where did Russell get the accent from?
Tami: He’s always had it. Remember when he killed Eric’s family? Or when he was in World War II? Or last week when he told the wolf pack what’s what? It comes out when he’s pissed. The campy good-ole-boy persona is merely affectation. It prevents folks from realizing how deadly Russell is. I like that touch. It makes sense that a being more than 3,000 years old wouldn’t naturally have a Southern American accent.
Joe: I agree. It shows a good actor that he can make you believe both personas. The campy queen with the up do and whatever scary human that dude started out as.
Carly: I think he and the writers must love each other. This scene and the gruesome news anchor scene from season 3? Love.
Latoya: Really? It took 10 eps to make this damn Fae subplot make some kind of sense? And why doesn’t Jason have more Fae powers if it’s been passed down through males? And was there like some Stackhouse gendercide policy? And so Gram was a Stackhouse through marriage? So! Many! Questions!
Tami: UNIMPORTANT BOOK SPOILER: Jason got the fairy irresistibleness–thus his sexual potency–but not the magical powers. His daddy was the same.
Joe: I’m pretty sure Warlow is Russell. All fae roads in this show are leading to a scary vampire huffing and puffing and blowing Sook’s house down.
Tami: But, more importantly…um…the fairy Andy slept with is pregnant. Uh-oh! There’s a lesson here: Even when offered fairy tail, for God’s sake, be safe.
Joe: Wow, I didn’t realise that was her. Gasp! Half-fae baby! Potential mindreading Bellefleur! 500 year old MILF! Complications!
Carly: Yeah, my first thought was pooooor, poor Holly. Also, one twist they could have is have Warlow not be Russell, but have whoever Warlow is take Russell out when he comes after Sookie.
Tami: Oooh, I like that idea! I was thinking Russell might be Warlow, too, but it kind of doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t brought up the fact that he has papers on Sooks. I like this idea better. I’m calling the final scene of the season:
Russell is just about to snag Sookie after somehow incapacitating Eric and Bill.
(Tami is cheering: Go, Russell!)
Then, just before Russell sinks his 3,000-year-old fangs into Miss Stackhouse, Warlow takes him out.
(Tami falls to her knees, shaking her fists at the sky. Damn you, Waaarloooww!)
Screen fades to black. Music up. See ya’ll next June.
Carly: I endorse this scene in its entirety!
Alea: Ditto. However, if this M. Warlow is more powerful than Russell, how has he managed to fly so completely under the radar for over 3,000 years?
Latoya: Good question, but ultimately, that won’t matter. It’s True Blood, they’ll retcon that shit.