Ain’t No Sunshine: True Blood Season Finale

Brown Folks Cain’t Never Have Nothin’! Especially not in the season finale! We’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop all season, but they ended up dropping a crate from Zappos on us. Kendra, Joe, Alea, Amber, and Jordan joined me to parse out our feelings – and you may want to grab a snack and clear out some time. Just when you thought they couldn’t top the fleeing from the plantation scene…

Kendra: oh sweet, we get some nudity this ep.
Joseph: I got my hot chocolate, my Luray Caverns fudge and I’m ready to bitch!
Latoya: You know, this cut to Marnie!Laffy was a bit anticlimatic for the season ender.
Alea: Yes. Too many damn storylines this season. Andy and the Faerie; Sam and Luna playing house–the writers are all over the place.
Jordan: They could do a whole season on the stuff from this season on
Latoya: We aren’t gonna finish everyone
Kendra: Oh, can we take bets now on whether the Were Panthers will be back? Because… where on earth did that thread even go?
Latoya: Hmm. That’s tough to call. Next season?
Amber: Right. I think Ball is hoping we forgot about HotShot and is waiting to hit us over the head with something next season. After all that build up, that storyline can’t just be over…right?
Alea: Probably, but I feel like its expiration date will have passed by then. There’s way more interesting stuff going on.
Latoya: You know? there’s the Pam-Eric split; the Alcide fall out; the BilEkie drama, Jason-Jessica.

Tara

Kendra: Tara’s an Atheist!
Alea: Score one for non-Christian black folks.
Kendra: Tara’s… back? well, for once she might be safer with Sook than Laffy.
Latoya: Look Ball, I would have appreciated this nice touching coffee scene about three seasons ago.
Jordan: The loyal black sidekick…always there to talk to you about your problems over coffee.
Amber: Loyalty is an understatement. We’re right back where we started with these two, as if no serious drama just went down.
Latoya: “[Gran] did have all the sense in the family.” Damn Tara, burn.
Alea: She speaks the truth.
Kendra: “Be good to each other.” Advice more for Sookie than Tara…
Jordan: Ummmm… and just like that we’re all good
Alea: Tara’s magical, so she has the ability to fix any problem through humor, down home wisdom, and self-sacrifice.
Latoya: Never thought I’d say this, but I miss attitude Tara.

Amber: @ Alea @Jordan Mammy anyone?
Latoya: This is the stangest friendship ever.

Sam & Luna
Kendra: Sam does clean up nice. (But his dress shirt has pockets on both sides >.>)
Alea: [Totally. I love that his idea of formal funeral wear is adding a black tie and sport coat to the type of shirt he wears every single day.]
Amber: Complete with cowboys boots and a gold plated belt buckle. He pulled out the big guns for this special occasion. Lol.
Latoya: I love watching Sam trying to process Ms. Thortenberry’s confessions
Alea: “Nobody taught Tommy how to love somebody without hurting them” — combined with Thortenberry’s litany of shit-Tommy-stole, that’s a pretty apposite eulogy, right there.
Jordan: I think all Sam does are strange friendships
Alea: Absolutely, Jordan.
Joseph: thats probably cause its a western shirt (fashion correspondent strikes again!)
Latoya: Pork Rind Casserole just sounds all kinda nasty.
Amber: Agreed–like a crunchy soggy mess. * shudder *
Alea: I do not imagine her to be a very good cook.
Alea: Dear god. Which is worse — no family or Mama T?
Joseph: all her dishes sound (and look) unpleasantly mushy
Alea: That’s a casserole for you, a genre of food around which I still have difficulty wrapping my mind.
Latoya: So the Skinwalker moment for Luna and Sam has passed I suppose.
Kendra: Oooh, I like the end of that scene. I think Sam may have a new family, Mama Thortenberry.

Jason is In Turmoil
Latoya: I love how Jason talks back to himself.
Alea: Totally reminds me of me.
Kendra: Is Jason about to confess his sins to a man with a chainsaw?
Alea: Yes.
Amber: Jason, boo…how about we wait on it…?
Jordan: I forgot they worked on this whole crew – another throwback from a couple seasons ago
Kendra: No one in this town really keeps to a real work schedule, you know.
Amber: Truth. The only place that stays open regularly is Merlotte’s and Arlene is the only one who seems to make it to work on time everyday.
Alea: Yeah, most of the main characters seem to have flexible schedules, if they work at all.
Kendra: Really makes me wonder how the schools are run. Just sayin’.
Joseph: you would think jason would learn how to dodge a hit by now
Kendra: Well, I like that someone in this town is finally talking about choices and consequences, because most people just run off half cocked without thinking about anything.
Amber: You know, I think Hoyt took that very well. Things could’ve been way worse for Jason–including that beating.
Jordan: Yeah… i feel like angry exes have been coming after him for years… you think he would be a little wiser
Alea: I think his love for Hoyt makes this a little bit different. Hurting one’s bff when ze’s already down is different from pissing off some stranger.

Jesus Needs More People
Joseph: this appears like its going to be UNPLEASANT
Alea: Agreed. Poor Jesus.
Kendra: I want that robe.
Latoya: Yuck…OMG OMG OMG
Kendra: Can we not cut out any eyeballs?
Amber: Yes, Marnie has lost her mind.
Latoya: I heart Laffy coming back for that hot sec
Kendra: Well if you want [Jesus's] magic, honey, possess him and let Laffy go.
Alea: Totally not going to be that easy.
Kendra: lol, pokemon reference.
Latoya: “You can’t trade magic like fucking Pokemon cards!”
Alea: Brilliant.
Amber: Best.line.ever.

Arlene and Terry
Joseph: and of course its halloween
Alea: Seems a little too easy, no? To make it Samhain in BT?
Latoya: You would think Bon Temps would pass on Halloween, considering…
Joseph: truth
Jordan: Yeah… if I was this town… i would stay away from anything embracing the strange
Amber: Right? I’d totally go on vacation at the end of October.
Joseph: someone might mistake that god fearing woman for an actual zombie and shoot her with a shotgun
Alea: Lol. Terry is just darling.
Kendra: Why would anyone give [Sookie] a job? even when she has shifts, she doesn’t show up for them.
Latoya: Right?!? In all the urban fantasy novels, everyone is a cop, detective, or independent contractor. Suppose it’s a life style thing.
Kendra: Yep, you have to be working for yourself in a world like this one. Dresden has it right.
Latoya: Well, as we see in Bon Temps, magic kills punctuality and reliability. You’d better be a wizard for hire. Even Cullen in the World of the Lupi is billed as an unemployed stripper turned FBI consultant. Making lemons out of supernatural lemonade…
Joseph: i think this is the first time ive seen sookie not in a sundress
Kendra: Leather jacket… she’s been looking at Bill, I suppose.
Amber: Perhaps it’s getting chilly in Bon Temps, you know with it randomly, all of a sudden being autumn and all.
Alea: Good point. The pattern of her shirt is very Sundress Sookie, but the pants and leather jacket are totally something/someone else.
Jordan: Yeah… i wasn’t aware the fairy blood charmed shifters but i guess it does
Amber: @ Jordan UGH.

Marnie is a Hot Mess
Alea: Is Marnie blaming the demonization/commodification of Samhain on vampires? That makes little sense to me, even given their role in the Inquisition.
Jordan: At least one person has the proper respect for the spirits
Latoya: Marnie is so fucking beyond at this point.
Kendra: She is, and I still can’t muster any sympathy for her.
Alea: Has she been a sympathetic character at any point in the season? I don’t think so.
Kendra: That’s been my main issue with her. Mary Anne and Russell weren’t necessarily sympathetic, and neither were the Newlans, but at least they were fun to watch. Marnie just whines about power, and with a very thin back-story to justify it all.
Amber: It’s true. She did seem a little desperate about possession in the beginning but they didn’t give us any context for it until last episode. It was a little too late to muster up some sympathy at that point.
Latoya: Release the brujo!
Jordan: Damn Marnie is really crazy
Joseph: if theres a way for vampires to drain ghosts, i would like to see them do it to her
Kendra: She was lonely… she could have joined a class or something and prevented all this foolishness.
Amber: Lol right? She totally should have just joined a book club.
Alea: Lol at “joined a class.” Like pottery or some glassblowing could have helped her.
Latoya: This, I can’t wait to see. MORTAL KOMBAT!!! Brujo vs. Marnie!
30 seconds later…
Kendra: that was a river of blood.
Jordan: What the hell is this
Latoya: Oh snap. Is Jesus dead?
Alea: Alan Ball won’t let colored people have anything. I had my doubts about Jesus, but, damn. Marnie couldn’t have just pricked his finger or something?
Amber: Wow. So we can now cross one POC off of Ball’s hit-list.
Jordan: SO now Laffy has Marnie and a Demon chilling in there?
Latoya: My vote is for the demon. Because…uh yeah, there are no other options.

In which we get our 90s wires crossed…
Joseph: jason. fucking. priestly. lol
Jordan: What the hell
Joseph: wait that’s him right?
Alea: No. He was one of the Scotts from Felicity.
Kendra: I think I’m too young to be excited by this, haha
Amber: @ Kendra…cosign. Haha.
Joseph: LOL Kendra/Amber. Showing our ages…
Jordan: Oh my goodness… It’s like the 90s are back again for a shining moment
Latoya: 90210 mash up! 90210: Bon Temps would be badass – fuck Pride and Prejudice with Zombies!
Alea: Who the fuck just “passes through” Bon Temps? And I think that guy is actually dead. Look at Terry’s face.
Joseph: Oh, interesting theory. Time has been nice to the 90210 cast.
Jordan: that is not Jason Priestly that is the guy from felicity. scott something I think…
Latoya: Speedman? No, wait, Scott Foley! We really need a hollywood shuffle for the generic 90s blandsome dudes.

No Alcide! Turn Away from the Fairy Light!
Latoya: OMG – Alcide is officially on that wheat beer.
Alea: Put it down, Alcide! Find a stout or a porter or even an IPA or something.
Latoya: We should send him a variety pack. You know, for finding alternatives.
Amber: Alcide, Sookie is NOT the answer to your problems. Please jump off the bandwagon.
Joseph: hes not even a vampire
Latoya: I’m vomiting in my throat as we speak.
Jordan: I would settle for Alcide
Joseph: HA. Thats like saying you’d settle for a million dollars
Jordan: You know it’s hard but someone has to do it
Kendra: LOL– does this series lead into a threesome or foursome for Sookie, or is that just Anita Blake?
Alea: Shit is getting more like Anita Blake all the time [read: placing decent content with cheap sex]. That fantasy she had with both of them was so LKH.
Latoya: BilEkieCide?
Joseph: alcide and i have the same ringtone. swoon
Kendra: I like how he’s saying he’s done with the drama… as he’s trying to attach himself to Sookie.
Amber: It makes no sense. How is no one in Bon Temps making the connection between Sookie and drama?? They are all mesmerized by the wheat and blinded by the sunshine.
Alea: Totally. He’s absolutely right that people in this series who follow their hearts get into some deep shit. Characters keep getting themselves and others into trouble because they’re acting on gut reactions without thinking things through.
Latoya: AlBilEkie?
Alea: I like BilKieCide.
Amber: BilKieCide…it sounds like a drug.
Latoya: Yeah, like ecstasy, PCP, and wheat…oh and sunshine.
Jordan: I would find a way, distasteful as it is to make those six pack abs passable for the rest of my years
Joseph: Soocide? Alsook?

Worrying About Tara
Jordan: Tara no
Joseph: Please do NOT kill tara
Kendra: Maybe this is when she gets herself killed.
Amber: Tara needs to turn around and go get her gun before entering that house.
Latoya: And because Tara hasn’t had enough trauma
Kendra: Oh snap, Jesus is definitely dead.
Latoya: Black folks can’t have nothing on this show
Amber: Not a damn thing.
Jordan: Well, that answers the Jesus question. Sad to see him go
Alea: Yeah, I was totally wrong about Jesus.
Joseph: “Aint nothing scary about faeries” FORESHADOWING
Alea: Lol.
Joseph: is it weird that this actress in the faerie suit gets prettier as the season progresses?
Kendra: No, she definitely has. I’d noticed too.
Alea: Ditto.
Jordan: People have become quick on the uptake in BT it seems
Latoya: @Jordan – It only took 4 seasons
Joseph: Its about time
Kendra: haha, Wiccan first aid.
Alea: I love that Tara’s giving her the side-eye.
Jordan: I guess a couple brushes with death will do that for you
Amber: In Bon Temps you have to stay ready. Holly’s learned a thing or two.
Kendra: She’d get along with Sam and Dean…

Bilekie’s On Fire – Bill and Eric’s Bogus Burning
Kendra: “I liked you better when you were brain damaged.” You were the only one, Bill.
Jordan: HA
Latoya: LOL – wait, how did Marnie!Laffy!Brujo overpower Viking Eric?
Alea: That’s my question. And did Maffy build that set up without being noticed? Otherwise, did Bill and Eric just hang around waiting for her to build something to chain them to.
Amber: @ LP @ Alea None of that matters. This is Bon Temps–sensible inquiry has no place here. Lol.
Kendra: …Holly may be my new favorite.
Amber: Yes! Mine too. She’s been on point all season! She never lets her nerves get the best of her.
Kendra: She had better not die.
Latoya: Right – she’s just rolling with the salt like ain’t shit happening
Alea: She’s gotten pretty chill about handling shit through this season. Compared to everyone else, she’s pretty much an adaptational genius.
Kendra: God, will it be Laffy or Tara. I can’t tell.
Latoya: This just got epic
Joseph: im so engrossed i forgot about roundtableing. lol. thats a switch
Latoya: They done brought Gran out of the grave
Jordan: We broke out the big time magiks
Latoya: And Antonia!
Kendra: LOL, Antonia…
Alea: Is there some kind of universal translator à la Star Trek in this universe? I’ve always wondered how people can understand Antonia. Did she pick up English in her 400 years between worlds?
Kendra: LMAO GRAN, WHAT?
Joseph: APPLAUSE
Latoya: DAMN GRAN!
Amber: OK…I see Gran wasn’t playin around.
Jordan: Wow everyone is back
Kendra: Okay, they stole SPN’s ghost graphics for that shit.
Latoya: She is such a gangsta.
Alea: Seriously. She just reached in and grabbed Marnie as easily as I can imagine her swatting little kid Jason with a wooden spoon.
Latoya: Can we skip Marnie’s speech? I don’t give a shit.
Kendra: IKR? This character inspires zero sympathy.
Jordan: Yeah… she’s not going to get to stick around
Jordan: wrap it up chick
Alea: [cue Oscar music] Yo, the sign is real simple, B. It says wrap. it. up. Wrap that shit up, B. Ya done!
Latoya: Get the Apollo hook!
Amber: Seriously, Sandman needs to escort her off stage already so that we can go check on Laffy.
Latoya: Jesus ain’t get a damn farewell speech. #bitter
Alea: Rightfully so. Jesus gets a Pokemon quip and a knife in the chest. Marnie gets to throw a tantrum and walk off into the light. If any POC had done all of the awful shit that Marnie did, I’m sure that Ball would have come up with some kind of extra terrible way for that person’s character to die/leave.
Amber: Complete with a looooong and drawn out torture scene.
Jordan: peace? I don’t think she’s going to the place where that is granted
Kendra: Maybe Laffy will be able to communicate with Jesus. I don’t think he’s gone for good.
Joseph: cant they just… come back?
Jordan: Maybe. Laffy is going to be a sad sack when he gets back into his body
Alea: He’s going to be so hurt and guilt-ridden. Jesus was murdered in the house that they shared using Laffy’s hands. That would fuck anyone up but good.
Amber: Laffy and Tara can’t have anything but sorrow. They are always overcoming something. They can never just be happy and living life.
Latoya: Come on Sook, what is Gran gonna do?
Alea: She’s always looking everywhere but in a goddamn mirror for someone to save her.
Kendra: Sookie I do not care about your tears either.’
Jordan: Yeah… not loving this
Amber: Yeah I’m over this. Gran go back to from whence you came. Sookie will be fine with her three male swooners and trusty side-kick.
Latoya: This feels like the end of a really corny movie
Joseph: it is the end of a really corny movie…called season 4 of true blood
Latoya: I didn’t need the magical granny scene – but Laffy is alive!

Rene Returns!
Jordan: Oh Eric. [Wait,] Oh Arlene
Kendra: Oh shit. You done let the shit out of the bag now…
Latoya: AAAH, RENE!
Alea: Oh, fuck.
Joseph: rene no
Amber: YIKES. I’d totally be scared shitless if I saw him walking around.
Kendra: LOL
Joseph: is she also a medium?
Alea: I think dead people are just walking around for all to see today.
Kendra: No, i think all this stuff just got let out because of Holly’s spell.
Jordan: Damn, your serial killer ex is WARNING you about another dude, that’s deep
Amber: Truth! Arlene is already crazy and paranoid. This is NOT going to help matters.
Latoya: What was that, a prayer cheer Arlene just sent up?
Kendra: @latoya It was the song the minister was singing when they came to he house, i think?
Alea: It is. Arlene is hilarious. “Praise, Jesus.”
Amber: That was perfect. LOL.
Latoya: WTF. Rene is a devious mofo. Now, I’m doubting Terry!
Alea: At first, I thought he said that he met the ghost of Terry’s parents. I had to replay what he said, like, ten times before I understood that he said that he meant the ghosts of Terry’s past. I forgot how goddamn thick his accent was.
Joseph: all this in the first 40 minutes? isnt there like…. 10 minutes left?
Amber: My thoughts exactly. There sure is a lot going on and very little feels resolved.
Alea: They’re throwing a lot of shit in here last minute. What is Ball thinking? There were already too many storylines this season. Shiiiiiiit.
Kendra: We still don’t know why that faerie all the sudden felt like sleeping with Andy either.

Jessica, Controlled by Hormones
Latoya: Jess is looking like Lil Red Ridinghood…wait are they playing IN THE PINES?!?!?
Alea: Where the sun don’t ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through.

Latoya’s Note – This is an American folk song, and the most famous version of it – pre-Nirvana Unplugged – was Lead Belly’s. The lyrics are usually a variation on “black girl, black girl, don’t lie to me…” but Kurt sang “my girl” on MTV. People throughout the ages varied the lyrics.

Jordan: Ummmm… Jess…. seriously
Alea: Oh, lord.
Kendra: Oh, this wasn’t the nudity I wanted D:
Latoya: Jessica – please go sit down. See this is why everyone needs to go through dating in high school.
Amber: Word. Jess is getting on my nerves. She needs a good long talk about consequences. The problem is–I don’t know one person in Bon Temps who could give it to her.
Kendra: I’m sure we could convince Hoyt or Holly to do so. They know what’s up.
Joseph: mmm bloody popsicle
Alea: I can’t believe he’s holding an unwrapped popsicle to his eye.
Jordan: Did you hurt [Hoyt]? Isn’t that a crazy question?
Amber: Does she really care about Hoyt’s heart…?
Joseph: good LORD
Kendra: AAAAND MY MOM COMES DOWN STAIRS.
Latoya: Oh Jason – couldn’t help yourself. LOL Kendra…..
Joseph: LMAO Kendra
Latoya: Why aren’t they playing #1 Crush in this scene? I’m saying though.
Alea: Maybe they couldn’t get the rights. [I....love that song so hard. I still think the R+J soundtrack was genius.]
Latoya: Word. I still bang that like it’s 1997.

Jordan: I guess [Jessica] got over that virgin thing
Latoya: Aww, Jason got his feelings hurt. If you don’t wanna hurt anyone, sit your hot redheaded ass down Jessica. Fuck someone at Fangtasia.
Amber: Right?! Whhhhhyyyyy Jason??? Poor decisions!
Alea: Seriously! Is no one teaching her anything about how vampires do what they do? [But, damn, she’s so effing hot.]
Kendra: I like how they left the cape on.
Alea: +1
Jordan: Yeah… then again Jessica is pretty much just acting her age
Joseph: you know how actors say sex scenes are awkward and not at all sexy? id love to know this firsthand. preferaby on this show…. when is casting? lol
Kendra: Okay, Jess. You know what you want.
Jordan: If you didn’t like it, I can take direction. Jason tries
Amber: I’m sure he’s used to being the one who decides to leave first.
Joseph: Miller lite modesty pillows. not such a fan of that
Jordan: This moment of modesty brought to you by miller lite
Alea: Left the cape on, but took the necklace off?
Latoya: Jason, a part of you has always been missing. It’s your brain. Don’t worry so much.
Joseph : this is the sweetest fuck buddy relationship that has ever existed
Alea: Eh. I don’t know. It’s so grating. I mean, I dig the sex positivity of their relationship and that they’re talking candidly about experimentation, but this is so goddamn twee that I can’t really stand it.
Kendra: I imagine this is what sex scenes with Zooey Deschenel are like. But without fangs.
Amber: I still think if Jess just wanted something simple she could’ve hooked with someone else and left Jason alone. His friendship with Hoyt is ruined.
Kendra: Wait, I just remembered that even with the vampirism, isn’t Jessica signifgantly younger than Jason?
Latoya: Man, I wish I could fast forward half this damn episode.
Kendra: Yeah.
Joseph: shes 17. hes 29. soooo. yeah. Wait shes 18. skipped a year.

Oh, Pam
Jordan: Say PAM
Kendra: “Precious fairy vagina” THANK YOU PAM.
Alea: Pam is, like, the one person who will tell the truth about Sookie. Her name is fucking stupid.
Amber: I <3 Pam. It is about damn time somebody said it! “I’m so over Sookie and her stupid faerie vagina...” COSIGN. +10,000
Jordan: Awwwww… I love PAM I am starting to love this vapid woman too. She’s perfect
Latoya: Pam explains all of our angst. We can go home now, kids.
Joseph: pam is basically our voice
Amber: Right? We should totally invite her to the roundtable. Lol.
Kendra: LOL

Laffy and Tara, Still Together
Latoya: Oh God, Laffy AND Tara have been possessed. They both lost their loved ones.
Alea: fuckingalanballwon’tletblackpeoplehaveanything. [/corner muttering]
Jordan: See this is heartbreaking
Joseph: so now lafayette is a brujo in addition?
Latoya: Tara, don’t leave him alone
Amber: Tara needs to post up in a rocking chair in the corner of Laffy’s bedroom for the night.
Kendra: But, Amber, that’s not where she wants her rocking chair! It’s gonna be on Sookie’s front porch remember, *snrk*
Alea: Lol and +1.
Kendra: Please don’t let him try and kill himself.

The End of BilEkie
Kendra: bill’s on the other–
Joseph: sookie
Kendra: yep, i knew it.
Alea: Fucking Anita Blake-type bullshit. There is something so unappetizing about this scene. Matching bathrobes, maybe?
Joseph: seriously
Amber: I can’t stop rollin my eyes.
Latoya: Ewwwwwww
Jordan: Really… i guess they learned to share
Latoya: BilEkie returns
Joseph: Billerisookie
Latoya: Is this why she couldn’t take Alcide? She ran out of wrists?
Alea: Lol.
Kendra: They’re about to get naked, aren’t they?
Latoya: Throwing up in my mouth again
Jordan: They should really all have sex together
Alea: Nooo. Too much like LKH.
Kendra: (also, lol those robes. twinsies)
Jordan: That would actually be the best solution
Amber: They really should just get it over with. Why can’t they have a polyamorous relationship? Eric and Bill should learn to share. Apparently Sookie has.
Latoya: Wait – is the fangs retracting the vamp version of a bonerkiller?
Alea: Yes. That part was kind of funny.
Joseph: bill and eric in matching robes… i see a lot of fanfic starting with screenshots of this.
Latoya: Eric is such a shit.
Alea: And a giant. Every time he stands next to Bill, I can’t get over how effing tall he is.
Jordan: Hybrid Eric is not worth watching
Alea: He’s so goddamn creepy.
Amber: And needy…where is that coming from?
Kendra: Man, by season 5 Bill is going to look OLD…
Latoya: BARF! And no they are not getting the Erykah Badu tribute for this bullshit. Love of My Life is staying in the box.
Joseph: “i know [you love me].” SHUT UP sookie. lol
Latoya: OMG, how much more talking is gonna happen around shit I don’t care about? Oh wait – she’s breaking up with both of them. Are she, Tara, and Laffy moving to NOLA?
Amber: NO. They need to leave Sookie behind. The drama will just follow her to NOLA and Tara and Laffy will NEVER have peace.
Kendra: NOLA– shit, I had forgotten about Tara’s GF. Will she be back next season? Can we get some vengeance for the Black Girl?
Alea: Oh, yeah. Her. What was her purpose again? To show us that, after the trauma of last season [all the seasons], Tara was now an ass-kicking, name-taming, lady-loving, MMA-fight-winning…Mammy Lite character who would always sacrifice her time, energy, and physical well-being for Sookie instead of running the hell away to have amazing sex with her good-looking girlfriend?
Jordan: Ummm Are we going to cut to her waking up with Alcide?
Joseph: “[Breaking up with you will] free me up for love interests next season” is what she should have said
Amber: @ Joe Lol.
Kendra: Damn, I wish I had sookie’s life. The hardest decision in her life has been choosing between two ridiculously hot men?
Alea: Platinum problems.
Latoya: @Jordan – right! This ish should be in Cosmo. Though I would kill to read their vamp sex tips manual…I’m surprised some enterprising ad agency hasn’t jumped on that.
Jordan: Really though… couldn’t she have both. I can’t wait for the vampire diaries to return
Kendra: YES! I am too excited for TVD.

Farewell to Jesus
Latoya: Jesus is so channeling James Dean at this moment.

Alea: How does he manage to still be sketch as hell even though he’s dead? He’s almost too blasé not to be hiding or plotting something.
Joseph: i mean
Latoya: What the shit? I had to listen to hours of fucking Marnie and Sookie, and Jesus gets 16 bars? If life in Bon Temps was fair, he’d have been able to pull a Bogey-in-Casablanca.
Amber: Oh, c’mon. We could’ve gotten a little more tenderness between Jesus and Laffy. Jesus did just sacrifice his life for him. I want a do-over!
Kendra: At least it seems like he’ll be back?
Alea: Oh, I think he’ll definitely be back.

Andy
Jordan: Ha. I like his honesty – I wasn’t nervous, I was high
Kendra: damn, everyone in this town is lonely.
Jordan: Nice Andy. That was a good pitch…
Joseph: theyre like even perfect heights for eachother. theyre my new jessica and hoyt
Amber: I’m a fan of this potential match-up. Although I do think something’s gonna pop off because of Andy’s faerie romp–it was more than just a perfect ending to his V-hab.
Latoya: “I’m sober, I’m lonely, and I can be good to someone.” I love that the ET fingerbang sponsored that moment of clarity.
Alea: Best pick-up line ever. It was actually kind of hot..?

Luna and Sam, Cont.
Kendra: Nooooo, Luna.
Latoya: 9 mins left. Ball better bring it.
Kendra: I mean, this is probably for the best, because who raises a child in this town?
Alea: Nobody with sense.
Amber: Arlene–and she is an anxious mess.
Jordan: These people need to get the hell out of dodge
Latoya: It’s not God that doesn’t want you to be happy, Luna, it’s Alan Ball and the writing crew. POCs get no happiness girl.
Alea: +1,000
Joseph: can you IMAGINE what DC or NYC is like in this world?
Kendra: haha
Amber: Oh man…I don’t want to.
Latoya: Sodom and Gomorrah meets Dawn of the Dead. With some Blacula sprinkled in, for color.

Oh wait, I was thinking of Vampire in Brooklyn:

Alea: Sheer insanity.

The Plot Thickens At the Last Possible Second
Kendra: RUSSELL! YES! YES
Jordan: Russell!
Kendra: OH HAPPY DAY!
Joseph: oh god they dug him out
Alea: Oh, shit.
Amber: Fantastic! Something to look forward too! After all the true death they dished out this season I should’ve been ready for Russell to make an appearance. Cement and silver chains can’t hold ‘im!
Kendra: Okay, so we just had to get through one season of a really shitty villain to get back to the good stuff.
Jordan: Thank goodness. I have missed him so

Latoya: Nan has gay Stormtroopers? Rrrow, put those fangs back in the box, boys.
Alea: Nan Flan is also looking fantastic.
Kendra: Bill is back to the kingly wardrobe.
Alea: That suit is a little ridic.
Latoya: “I refuse to be retired like a fat first wife!” – Nan
Alea: Lol. She didn’t get to be that old by being a doormat.
Kendra: Eric. You. Are.The. Best.
Joseph: holy crap
Latoya: MORTAL KOMBAT! RESURRECTION!
Alea: Are they fucking insane? Just because Nan called them puppy dogs, they have to kill her?! Is their collective masculinity still smarting that much from getting dumped?!? They could really have used the information she had.
Latoya: Girl, you know it’s bros before hos on True Blood. Powerful women die violently, powerful men are just dealt with.
Jordan: ha. I like the two of them working together
Amber: That was a stupid move. I would’ve loved a fugitive vampire threesome. It would’ve been waaaay more interesting if they were on the run with Nan along.
Latoya: What a bitch? I expect more from Eric’s wit. And I have a whole side rant about the overuse of the term bitch in urban fantasy, but that will have to wait for another day…
Jordan: They are angry puppies at the least
Alea: Fucking children who can’t control their own emotions. I bet they just made so much shit ten times worse for everyone involved.
Joseph: latoya, what did i say at happy hour?
Latoya: Don’t ask me to remember things that happen while I am intoxicated.
Joseph: LOL

Farewell to Tara?
Jordan: NO
Latoya: Motherfucking shit
Amber: Damn. And…there it is.
Kendra: Wow, I knew she might die, but I did not expect her to go out like that. Loyal to the fucking LAST.
Alea: Fucking. Bullshit.
Jordan: Dammit
Kendra: That was pointless as hell. I can’t.
Latoya: Well, let the asshole fan sites rejoice. Tara went out for Sookie. As usual. The ultimate black best friend.
Joseph: i dont think shes dying
Alea: I’m sure someone will be along to help her, but still…did she have to take a shotgun blast to the head for fucking Sookie?
Amber: I didn’t expect her to go out like that either. She had her life threatened so many times this season and she dies taking a bullet for Sookie? Really?
Joseph: im pretty sure shell get helped out by bill
Alea: Damn. She straight blew Debbie’s head off. That was…cold-blooded. Bang bang.
Latoya: Shot her down, bang bang…

Jordan: Shit Sookie has had two people die on that floor… I’d say it’s time to get a new house
Joseph: uhhh – 2.5 at this point
Kendra: I hope– they all come running when she’s screaming like that.
Alea: I know she doesn’t own a cell or anything, but whatever happened to calling an ambulance?
Amber: I have a feeling any ambulance in Bon Temps would take a while to show up. I don’t think I remember anyone ever going to the hospital. Vamp blood is how they cure wounds.
Kendra: They took Sookie when Bill drained her in that truck, but that’s really it. I’m choosing to believe that Sookie’s just the only one with health insurance.
Latoya: Tara is missing a piece of skull. If she survives this, she’s a gangsta. But she’s the only main character to die. And someone had to bite it
Jordan: She shouldn’t survive… Death would be a release
Kendra: So many people to die by gunshot wounds this season. It’s like Ball was working out something personal.
Joseph: tommy and jesus both counted as main characters i think. maybe now and again she’ll pay attention to her
Kendra: Yeah, they were top of title credits, so I’d think so.
Latoya: Well, I guess the only way to solve this is to stalk the IMDB boards when they start filming again.
Jordan: I wish he would have killed off storylines as much as he killed off people. It would have been a tighter season
Amber: YES. There were so many loose ends and the ones they did resolve left me unsatisfied. I’m still a little salty about the Mavis storyline.
Kendra: Yeah, my main gripe is still the werepanthers and the faerie breeding (?)
Alea: @Jordan: Ditto. Kendra, that storyline took up way too much time — and made me watch way too much abuse — for not actually being any more than a way to Other poor, white, rural Southerners who were not the “good” poor/working class, white, rural Southerners in the show.
Latoya: I’m still pissed at the Faerie Armageddon that wasn’t.
Amber: Yep, Faerieland was definitely something else they hyped up but then never really developed.
Kendra: I know Jason’s bite will come back to bite him in the ass (lol) but to drop it off for like seven episodes and then a season break? weird planning.
Latoya: I mean, Ball got a renewal, not a fucking three season deal.
Alea: @Kendra: I’m wondering how that’s going to be brought back, if it’s brought back at all. He can’t be turned into a werepanther that way and it seems like his fling with Jess has helped him to, erm, process the emotional trauma.
Joseph: In the books, three blood drinkings and a vampire is married to their human. so…one more for jason and jessica
Jordan: Don’t get me started on how the books hold up to the series…
Joseph: …and theyll be picking out silverware that isnt silver
Kendra: That should get split up though, if the panthers come back.
Latoya: @Joe – I want to see a vamp registry.
Joseph: Bed Bath and Beyond the Grave? ugh i hate puns. and i just made one
Alea: I love puns and I think that one was great.
Latoya: The show brings out the worst in us.
Joseph: it really does
Jordan: I would have liked a little more with Nan. I think she and Pam would have gotten along…
Alea: Oh, absolutely. Ending her this way was a dick move and I’m actually pretty vexed by it. Not having Nan’s information and resources is a way too easy way to bank some extra drama for next season. It would have been a lot more interesting to keep her around.
Amber: Cosign. Keeping her around would have been way more interesting. As soon as she was stripped of her title and political power, Eric and Bill don’t think twice about killing her. That was so stupid.
Alea: That’s a really good way of framing. If Pam, the other power “adult” female vampire in the show, is ever truly stripped of her power, I’m guessing the same will happen to her. I wonder if that’s just the survival of the fittest ethos of the vampire power structure or if it affects women more than others.
Joseph: Pam needs a woman
Jordan: Also, really, the fact that Eric would ditch Pam for Sookie… madness
Kendra: I’m not too sad about Nan, if only because I think we all have to now relish every moment that Eric acts like Eric. They will be far and few between.
Latoya: Right? Pam’s grief is justified. Eric has lost his damn mind.
Jordan: Eric is indeed nuts and what I don’t like is they haven’t explained it. I would think that after 1,000 years a woman would need more than a couple fairy drops to leave you twisted
Joseph: or that someone would have met one in their neckchewing travels
Amber: Eric is not thinking. Old Eric was always in control–two steps ahead and always plotting. He’s gone crazy with his infatuation over Sookie. The only bit of old Eric we get to see anymore is ruthless bloodthirsty Eric. I miss the calculated, devious Eric.
Alea: Is it 1,000 in the book? Here, it’s only 100. If it’s supposed to be the former, I’m surprised she didn’t cry earlier.

Aftermath
Latoya: Okay, we need a eulogy for Jesus
Joseph: um… jesus… i have a feeling hes going to recur
Kendra: Well, I think we should just publicly admit how wrong we were about him, hah. Poor guy, we were giving him the side eye for half the season worried about him hurting our Laffy. But in the end? He was Laffy’s greatest champion.
Amber: Jesus we were only so suspicious of you because of how deeply we love Laffy, but you did good. Thank you for saving Laffy in the end.
Joseph: like bedside lovestuff and talking to laffy about brujo stuff
Jordan: Jesus died well and for good cause. I take back everything I said against him
Latoya: Same. I apologize, Jesus, for doubting your motives, howevr clumsily and suspiciously you were acting.
Alea: Jesus, you are still kind of sketch as a motherfucker, but you [seemingly] only had good intentions toward Laffy, and I’m sorry that Alan Ball took you out in such a piss poor way.
Joseph: Jesus wasnt even mad at him for Marlaffy murdering him.
Jordan: I know, he was also witty, even in the end. Who among us can forget his quip about pokemon. It was inspired
Amber: Indeed. So perfect.
Joseph: He may have been one of the only characters with sense
Alea: Him and Holly.
Latoya: He rocked the hell out of those scrubs, even in death.
Kendra: His death might somehow push along Laffy’s character development, which could be nice. Also, I bet Alfrie Woodard gets some more work out of it. She’ll be back when she hears her nurse is dead.
Joseph: Her nurse and son in law
Jordan: I do wish he would have taken a razor to laffy’s head as he departed and gotten rid of that hair but it is a minor problem
Joseph: HA! thats what i thought marnie was going to do
Kendra: LOL
Latoya: My question though is…where did the brujo go? If Marnie went to the beyond.
Kendra: Still in Laffy for next season, I’m assuming.
Alea: Yup.
Jordan: Yeah, that seems like it’s a keeper
Amber: Yeah. The demon is definitely there to stay.
Latoya: Wait, it just occurred to me that Tara chose to sacrifice Laffyette, but jumped in front of Sookie’s bullet. Now I’m pissed all over again.
Joseph: well…i think Holly (is that her name?) told them in the car what would happen probably
Kendra: I hope Holly’s still a regular next season. With Jesus gone, she posesses the most sense in town.
Alea: Cosign. That first aid kit was something.
Amber: Yes, I like her more and more with each episode.
Jordan: I can’t really be as upset about the Laffy sacrifice because Marne was going to kill all of them. That said, I think a scream to Sookie was warranted. That jump was a little much… wasn’t that the same chick that did you dirty a couple days ago… let’s not die over her when we just started being friends again… shouldnt’ there be a grace period
Latoya: Yeah…not so much with the thinking in BT. And in the moment, yeah I can see Tara’s decision…but again, why in the moment with Sookie do we say fuck it? Laffy is her cousin! He was the one nursing her back from the Eggs/Franklin drama while Sookie was hunting cold vampy peen!
Kendra: Not only did she say fuck it, she dove with the intensity of a secret service agent.
Amber: Seriously! Couldn’t she have reached for something to throw? She wasn’t thinking at all.
Latoya: *sigh* Final thoughts? all that fake barfing upset my stomach for real…or maybe it was that ending.
Jordan: I think I have spoken my piece on Tara and Laffy
Alea: Very few people in Bon Temps seem to have any sense of temperance or any ability to think critically after relatively little emotional provocation. Rash decisions driven by uninterrogated emotions got a lot of people hurt and killed this season.
Kendra: They spent a lot of time on characters I didn’t really give two figs about, and I’m a little sad Sam has gone through yet another love interest especially Luna. I’m a little worried that we left Alcide in that parking garage too. As for the major characters– well, I was expecting Tara. I don’t like it, but I’m not as upset as I thought I would be because we spent 13 episodes kind of expecting it.
Joseph: As devils advocate. cause i feel we need one of those. (even though honesly tara could have dove for her knees, WRITERS!)
Alea: [+1]
Joseph: Tara is the kind of person that wouldn’t want to see even the friend that uses her as a punching bag as of late come before saving that person’s life. It has been established that they were friends that were sweet to each other for most of their lives. Its only recently that one has been a vampire crazy jerk. Also, pushing someone out of the way of danger is an instinct, and much different than casting the right spell to safely extrude an evil soul out of your fabulous cousin.
Kendra: fair point– I’m sure there was a time when all they did was shop for sundresses and have girl talk.
Alea: I have such a difficult time imagining that.
Joseph: i would LOVE some flashbacks mr. ball
Latoya: Right? we did many of those in the first season
Joseph: this would even be the perfect time for it

Stay Tuned for Brown People Rewrite True Blood, dropping Thursday.