Well look what we found over here!
Some plot development, hidden under this pile of Eric’s old euro-club clothes! Spots were blown, long standing tensions were aired out, and two people were possessed! Amber, Jordan, Joe, and Alea join me to make sense of all the “Vampire Business.”
Amber: Oh yes, Tommy is totally skin walking…here we go.
Latoya: So they are making Tommy’s plot more explicit…But I thought that was a Native thing?
Jordan: Oh…. looks like the skinwalkers legend is coming to pass
Latoya: Do myths transfer ethnicity?
Jordan: Maybe just the NA were hip to it but I am guessing it applies to all shifters
Amber: Apparently…looks like they’re going to overlook the “native thing.” How convenient.
Jordan: These two are a weird pair… tried to kill each other, buried their parents… now what
Alea: Viewing compatriot No. 2 expressly desires for me to say that she loathes Tommy with the fire of a billion, trillion exploding suns. My disdain is only fueled by a dozen or so.
Latoya: OMG. Alea.
Alea: Aaaaaaand Tommy can turn into Sam. That’s going to cause so much trouble so very soon.
Amber: ….is that the way it’s supposed to happen? I thought you change into who you kill…no?
Latoya: Skin walking shennigans! But not like Freaky Friday, methinks.
Jordan: no… not with these two
Latoya: Sookie’s selfishness astounds me yet again. But, LMAO at Tommy going hard. Lord is everyone getting aired out today?
Alea: “I don’t get why people are always treating you like you’re special. Think you’d come in here and shake your blond ponytail?” I about fell off the couch. Fan service?
Jordan: This is what this show needs… Let’s keep it going… who is next
Amber: Agreed. Next on the chopping block: Jessica * side-eye *
Jordan: oh…. jess, andy… take your pick
Latoya: And, proving turnabout is fair play, Tommy just got aired out by Hoyt’s momma. It’s laundry day in Bon Temps!
Alea: Calling him stupid is going to trigger some bad behavior on Tommy’s part. He was really proud of attempting to learn how to read.
Amber: Oh Tommy…don’t be stupid.
Jordan: Oh honey….
Latoya: ….In Tommy’s defense, he is a teen.
Amber: Well [sleeping with Luna] just ruined the brotherly love that was going on b/w him and Sam.
Alea: Yeah, it didn’t take very long for that situation to go from middling to fucking terrible. And, of course, Luna comes back now, when Tommy is pretending to be Sam. She’s just a plot device, which is too bad, because she could be way more.
Latoya: … I thought Luna was gonna say Tommy is a premature ejaculator.
Jordan: Tommy is just taking a wrecking ball to Sam’s female relationships
Alea: Sure is, which is not unexpected.
Amber: Aw, does he have to go and ruin Sam’s life? He always manages to make horrible choices and in turn create horrible outcomes for himself. Now, that sounds like Tommy.
Jordan: riddle me this can Tommy turn into animals anymore?
Amber: I think so. Luna still can
Jordan: good point
Amber: Although it seems as if their shifting works differently. She only actually shifted into her mother, who she “killed.” I don’t think she mentioned shifting into anyone else.
Latoya: Oh lord
Jordan: Vampire business
Amber: Oh, spare me
Joe: Whenever Bill says vampire business, it reminds me of when Don Draper or Roger Sterling on Mad Men say something equally chauvinistic to get their women to stop complaining.
Latoya: Right? And oh look, the music returns for the Sookie-Eric hook up.
Alea: Again with the Zales commercial music; this is ridiculous.
Jordan: they are ruining it
Alea: Their twee-ass banter sucks so hard. It’s like an awful teenage romance novel. Nicholas Sparks with fucking?
Latoya: Waiting for Bill to fuck all this up by walking in…
Jordan: She should wait and have sex with the real eric, not this pale imposter
Amber: Yes! Agreed.
Alea: Lol. One of my viewing compatriots was like, “Maybe Eric is faking this whole thing to get into Sookie’s pants?” Cue “My liege” and that was rescinded.
Amber: Right on time, Bill…
Jordan: oh that’s right I forgot Eric could totally take Bill in a fight
Joe: If he can still fight like this, I’m sure he can do everything else the same too… I’m the only one who likes this Eric, aren’t I? LOL
Alea: No, I kind of lurve this Eric super hard. He’s got the conscientious, emotionally honest thing down pat.
Latoya: I think this is the first time I’ve been Team Bill all series. …And Sookie, you just set Eric up. For the True Death. Great move.
Alea: Sookie pulled the “if you ever loved me” card pretty quickly.
Alea:“Beeel! This is wrong!”
Jordan: That suit on Bill is killing me. It’s like on Angel when the black guy got all wrapped up in evil brains and power and started wearing three piece numbers…Give up the suit Bill remember who you are
Latoya: @Jordan – Hmm, never got that far. Stopped after they killed Doyle.
Amber: Oh, but he’s got to look the part…looks like he got rid of all the black jeans and cowboy boots that seemed to be his previous go to. …And…the sundress is back on.
Jordan: Preach Bill!
Latoya: LMAO go Bill
Jordan: Thank god someone has some sense
Amber: Woo, he’s going in! “…what and who is between your legs” SHADE.
Alea: I know, right? Who knew that Bill could throw it.
Jordan: don’t let her defang you. You have sanity on your side
Latoya: The break up scene.Ooh, that vampire business for that ass!
Jordan: Bill seems to have inherited Eric’s mojo
Amber: OK King Bill, flex those muscles.
Latoya: Guess Sookie’s wheat spoiled.
Alea: Ice burrrrrrn.
Amber: Lol. So, what is she now…more like processed white bread?
Latoya: Zombie Pam! Wait…are they gonna kill Pam?
Alea: They can’t! Poor thing. Her face is decaying fast and she sounds so, so miserable.
Amber: Oh…Pam. I hope she recovers from this…
Latoya: Ooh, self-loathing vampire.
Jordan: Thank you Pam
Latoya: Viking Vampire God Who Bows to No One? That person sounds sexy…
Alea: So. Incredibly. Sexy.
Amber: “Killing and fucking and laughing” HA
Alea: Partying with them back in the day must have been so much fun [as long as you weren’t, um, dinner or sport].
Latoya: Oh lord. They gave Eric a soul.
Amber: Cue Pam’s mental breakdown
Latoya: (lol, they put the skype sound in the show)
Alea: [Kind of subtle for a product placement. (I recently watched Spurlock’s Pom Wonderful Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.)]
Jordan: I preferred Angel and Spike
Amber: @latoya totally noticed that. hahaha
Latoya: Seriously. I’m about to turn on some old eps of Buffy or Angel
Jordan: HA! Love Nan and Pam
Latoya: At least chip spike had some life left in him
Alea: Life, sass, anger, guts….total package.
Amber: Bill just throws around true death like it’s nothing. Everybody’s punishment so far has been true death. What happened to a slap on the wrist?
Alea: Damn, Bill. “Using Sheriff Northman against us?” “He recognizes no authority?” Way to use Eric’s temporary amnesia to try and dispose of him. Douchebag.
Joe: Did anyone else expect a head to pop up from the bottom of the screen while Nan was talking or was that just me because of that Limo scene last season…
Alea: Yes! She was straightening her clothes and looking…not completely joyless for once.
Jordan: Oh these two… and their demon spawn… Glad Arlene has some motherly instincts in her after all
Amber: I’ll say it one more time: Get.rid.of.the.doll.
Jordan: Who might that black woman be?
Amber: Oh yay!
Latoya: A new black character. Please be an angel. Please be an angel
Amber: I’m so intrigued.
Latoya: Please be an angel
Amber: and yes oh, please be an angel. Can she be the new wheat and sunshine…? I vote “yes.”
Jordan: Hmmmm… not betting on her being on that range of the spectrum but I like how they introduced her
Joe: I’m getting ghost vibes.
Alea: Ditto. I wonder what happened to tie her to the doll. I bet there’s a crazy ass story there. Also, this is seriously the creepiest story in the history of this show.
Latoya: I don’t need the rabid fen hating on ANOTHER black girl.
Alea: And she’s cute.
Amber: Did Andy just pull a pity date?
Alea: Yeaaaah. That’s either going to help Andy kick V or it’s going to go incredibly poorly for everyone in a ten-mile radius. Didn’t she say last week that she has kids and doesn’t want to get involved with no craziness?
Jordan: This seems to be the calling out episode… it’s your turn Tara
Alea: Girlfriend of Tara is a bad, baaaaad actress.
Amber: Please do. The resemblance is uncanny right now. I’m singing in my room.
Latoya: umm cage fighter. angry gf. not good to have in the same body.
Alea: Um, did gf just body slam Tara and then start making out with her? That’s hot IF it’s a negotiated part of their kink, but, doing that when coming from a place of anger? Nuh-uh.That’s abuse-y.
Jordan: Ummmm… I was with them until the cinemax started. The truth telling continues
Latoya: Wait – after all the vamp drama, the Bon Temps folks are aghast at IR lesbians?
Latoya: Pam, please don’t kill the girlfriend. Where is the black angel when you need her?
Amber: Aw, shit.
Latoya: Please have your guns Tara
Amber: If Pam kills Tara I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive her.
Jordan: Oh… looky sookie remembered she had a brother
Latoya: …Sookie is the worst person fucking ever.
Alea: Jason’s plan….he is dumber than a box of hair, but way to laugh at him, Sookie. Christ.
Latoya: Lol @ Alea – Now every time I see Jason, I’m going to think of those Jessica Simpson-Ken Paves things.
Jordan: Now that eric is gone she has time to care
Amber: She remembered Jason because she needed his help–I don’t think that counts.
Latoya: Who are these fans defending Sookie?!?!? Have they NO EYES?!?!
Jordan: Poor Jason, trying to be noble.
Amber: And here we go b/w Jess and Jason–sparks are just flying all over the place in these here woods.
Alea: Seriously. And Jess is the best salesperson for being a vampire ever. I’ll buy.
Amber: Good call Jason! I’m impressed. “…your boyfriend’s best buddy”
Jordan: Thank you Jason for mustering up a bit of dignity for his man hoyt
Alea: Did Jason catch some sense? [Though, I'm not really into keeping even more things from Hoyt.]
Latoya: Jessica needs to get her damn hormones under control
Alea: Jessica is very much like Chip Eric, in that she is a teenager who has trouble handling his own urges.
Amber: Seriously though. The wandering eye is getting her into all types of trouble.
Latoya: LMAO, “what you think that meant, change my kitty litter?” Ah Jason.
Jordan: Sookie is just ignorant
Latoya: Word. For once Sookie’s damn foolishness benefits someone who deserves it.
Jordan: Shouldn’t Jason just be locked up in a room somewhere… like the one she already has in her house for Eric
Alea: You know? Between the two of them, they haven’t got a lick of sense. Why would she leave him alone for even a second?
Latoya: Why is it all about her? All the time? @Jordan – You have too much common sense for Bon Temps.
Amber: Right? Can she let him speak..? He’s terrified.
Latoya: Wait – the cubby has no lock
Jordan: In all the time she’s talking she could have made a trip to the hardware store… just saying
Amber: Well, if he changed, Jason would have no fingers, right? Ha. So the cubby hole may still be the smart choice.
Latoya: …oh lord, Jason. Vamp-Fae-Werepanther problems.
Alea: Why is that we’re unsure about whether a bite will turn you into a werepanther? As my compatriot says, “three seasons in, why is the mythology unclear?”
Jordan: Oh… forgot about the blood link. Isn’t this a development.
Latoya: Well if Sook and Eric are any indication, Jessica and Jason will be fucking next season. Maybe the end of this one.
Amber: I predict the end of this one.
Joe: Two episodes from now.
Latoya: There’s so much sharing. All they need is a campfire and some smores
Jordan: Poor Hoyt
Amber: Who’s sookie gonna shoot with that gun?
Latoya: Whew, Jason is safe!!! That just leaves Vamp-Fae weirdness
Alea: It’s nice to get that mythology cleared up, but also so strange that the people of HS don’t even know how their own kind is made. Viewing companion thinks that this was just a set up for Jess and Jason eventually fucking, which is a total let down. I’ll add that it’s fucked up for Ball to use a multi-episode rape scene as a way to bring two characters together romantically.
Amber: Popeyes! Lol @ the product placement
Latoya: …that was awfully craft reminiscent
Amber: Yep…the blown out hair and lying flat against the floor–just like the craft* Just to re-emphasize, Marnie is in trouble.
Alea: Ditto. Marnie is the worst witch ever. She has no idea what she’s doing to upset the imbalance.
Latoya: great, rape and draining in this flashback? Alan is loving rape this season.
Jordan: I’m sorry but they are throwing rape around too willy nilly for me
Amber: They’ve been going pretty hard with rape lately…
Jordan: yeah, violating someone is not a plot device
Amber: Seriously, they are way too lax about how it’s being used in these storylines.
Latoya: We should dedicate a song to Alan Ball for this…might I suggest the Bed Intruder Song?
Latoya: She showed up! Annnnnnnnnd possession!
Amber: Oh junk…it’s about to get real.
Latoya: Eep! It’s like The Ring! He can see Antonia through the screen!
Jordan: Don’t do it!
Amber: Stupid move, dude
Alea: The impatience of vampires and their minions is getting folks into so much damn trouble this season. People: stop jumping the effing gun!
Jordan: Where’s king bill and his guards?
Amber: (Not?) Killing Eric.
Latoya: Well, that move was fucking metal.
Amber: Eric looks like he’s about to go play some serious ball–the basketball game of his life.
Latoya: “I consorted with your human.” LOL. Eric’s childlike innocence may save him yet. O_o This is so very Godric-esque.
Jordan: Oh Eric, please snap out of it. I miss you
Latoya: … *dies of excessive eye rolling*
Alea: I love it. This little speech is so amazing. Bill, even if he is trying to act like old school Eric, has too much a conscience to be affected by this.
Jordan: What?! Eric you are over a thousand years old. You were not birthed by Sookie in any way
Latoya: Eric is soooooo playing this
Amber: Bill is going to be PISSED when old Eric is back in a few days.
Jordan: I pray so
Latoya: (Laffy is STILL in Kriss Kross mode?)
Jordan: I’m sorry but he needs to shave that off, these are hard times… when did he have a chance to do all that braiding
Amber: Laffy is on a throw back right to Marques Houston in “Immature” circa 1995. Wooo…Roger on “Sister, Sister” It’s bringing me back!
Alea: +1 [x 1 million]
Latoya: LOL – See, Amber, you’re gonna make me put an immature video up! I can’t find any with the bandanas tho!
Latoya: Brujo is hilarious
Joe: Laffy, Goat tongue might look gross, but it’s delicious. Still, it’s a bit like having liver at 9AM.
Jordan: This is taking a turn… Laffy you should know better
Latoya: Spiritual violation (Grandpa Brujo -> Laffy)
Latoya:Sexual violation. How many more, Alan?!?!
Alea: Jesus + Laffy’s witchery is pretty amazing. Holy god, their power is going to be intense, dangerous, and difficult to control. I’m glad that someone is getting knowledge about what’s going on with Marnie, but, damn, I’m so concerned for Laffy. I fucking knew Jesus was bad news bears.
Amber: Ugh. Jesus can’t remember anything? I’m worried.
Jordan: The next scene should be Laffy on the road… this is insane
Amber: I’m surprised he stuck around so long in the first place. Laffy knows better.
Alea: He doesn’t know better this season. He’s totally under Jesus’ spell.
Latoya: *lights a candle for old Lafayette.*
Jordan: Sookie is an idiot
Alea: Goddamn music. The “Sookie and Eric Love Theme,” as VC No. 2 calls it. She’s also expressed a preference for the “Sookie and Beel Love Theme.”
Amber: Ugh. Bill is going to be kicking himself later.
Latoya: Eric should really be on a horse for this scene.
Jordan: I…. Can’t…
Latoya: The Old Spice Guy would not rock board shorts tho
Amber: @ latoya LOL
Alea: Lol. He’s way too classy for that.
Alea: Poor Beel. Womp womp.
Jordan: I think I am going to sick
Latoya: Wow. I’ma dedicate “Tear in My Beer” to Bill
Amber: These scenes are killin me. Bill all pensive with his wine glass as Eric and Sookie get down in the woods…? What is this?
Latoya: Did I call it or what? I told Alea, it’s all about cold, hard, VAMPIRE BONERS!
Alea: You called it.
Jordan: really… with the music and everything
Amber: Perfectly lit by the full moon
Amber: I can’t
Jordan: I hope a werewolf gets them both
Amber: @Jordan WORD. The entire pack can have a go.
Latoya: So the only thing that happened on the full moon was…humping. Come on Bon Temps, do better.
Alea: Yes. The past two episodes were a set up….for nothing. Fucking nothing. Too many damn fake outs this episode and that is a damn cop out.
Latoya: LOL. We’re so tired of this damn song. Previews please.
As the curtain falls…
Amber: That ending was such overkill.
Jordan: Black woman is back
Amber: Tara got her gun
Latoya: Pam killed Tara’s girlfriend, didn’t she?
Amber: I really hope they don’t do that again. That story line is played. I’m still mourning Eggs.
Jordan: I’m thinking Pam kills someone and if it isn’t the gf, not sure who it is
Alea: I don’t think Ball will go there. Maybe Eric will stop slipping Sookie the hot meat injection long enough to stop Pam?
Latoya: At Alea – cold meat. Vamps are dead. So wait, are vamp boners like rigor mortis?
Alea: Tara is incredibly pissed off. Her anger is going to go somewhere.
Latoya: Tara is still alive and needs revenge
Alea: I most definitely don’t like Tara teaming up with Marnie. Talk about dumbass things to do. Tara is pretty much the last fully human character in Sookie’s orbit.
Amber: Yeah, Pam is up-set…someone is going to be hurting to help ease her own pain.
Latoya: 2 to 1 the GF bites it…or is f-ed up.
Amber: Maybe just f-ed up? It looks like Tara broke out the gun and hopefully did so before any real damage took place.
Jordan: Now that they have slept together the athletic Ken version of Eric can go away
Latoya: @Jordan, see if this was Buffy, that romp session under the moon would have unlocked his evil side
Alea: Buffy and Angel. Sigh.
Amber: Ha! Yep. All those memories would’ve come back, strong.
Joe: That love scene was just… so… schmaltzy. I think my eyes rolled a full 360 degrees.
Alea: Mine ‘bout just fell out of my head. This episode was a disappointment.
Jordan: Buffy wouldn’t have slept with that version of Eric anyway
(Gifs via the Fuck Yeah Joe Manganiello tumblr; ameila-snow.tumblr.com; Images via CherryGrrl, Fanpop, True Blood News, Forever a Fan Girl, Shh….I’m Trying to Read, skarsgardfans.com)