by Guest Contributor Emmeaki
Before we jump into a conversation on race-based dating, let’s start by showing how not to do it, with a short film called “Dragon of Love.”*
I’m a black woman who has always been attracted to Asian men. Perhaps it started with all those Hong Kong action movies that I used to watch with my mom as a teenager. After all, movie stars are often our first crushes – it made sense that it would make some impact on who I found attractive. But growing up in a segregated city in the Midwest, there weren’t many Asians around. In four years of high school, there were only three Asian kids, including a cute Chinese boy that I was hot for in tenth grade, who transferred to another school just as we were becoming friends.
So, recently when a friend of mine invited me to an event he was hosting at his house for black women and Asian men, I was all for it. My friend (a Vietnamese man who likes black women) had been listening to my boyfriend drama for the last few months and he thought this would pull me out of my funk. Boy was he right!
I had actually had been wanting to meet more Asian guys anyway. As an adult, I’ve dated a few Asian guys, but in general, I haven’t met as many as say, black or Latino guys. At first I wondered if it was too contrived to specifically try to meet Asian guys, but then I thought, “Hey, if you want Mexican food, then you go to a Mexican restaurant,” so to speak. And at least at an event for black women and Asian men, I wouldn’t have to worry about the guys not liking black girls!
When I arrived, I was pleased to see that all the guys were pretty attractive. I was also relieved that there were equal numbers of females, so we wouldn’t have to fight over all the hotties! I was nervous at first, but no sooner than I had grabbed a beer, a nice Taiwanese man who happened to be standing near me began chatting with me. We talked about everything from old school Hip Hop to outdoor sports and as the night went on, I ended up meeting a banker, a DJ, and a filmmaker, among others, all of whom were equally cool and interesting. The women were cool too. They were all educated and eclectic and it was nice to have real conversations with no cattiness involved. In this intimate setting, we were free to be ourselves with no stares and judgments from outsiders, And no one, black or Asian, felt the need to fit any stereotypes.
Everyone was asked to bring something to the event and most people brought alcohol, so by the end of the night, we started becoming even friendlier with one another. People began to pair off and some couples started making out. At this point, I was quite tipsy and I started dancing and the next thing I knew, a cute Chinese guy that I had recently met, got behind me and started dancing with me.
More couples joined in and soon, my new dance partner and I found ourselves in a four-way grind on the dance floor! Grinding eventually led to making out and I spent the rest of the night kissing and talking with my new friend. He even ended up driving me home at the end of the night.
The event was definitely a success and even though we all came together to meet males/females of a certain race, at the end of the night, we were just guys and girls having fun and getting lucky. And the funny thing is that no one even spoke of race the whole night. Race was the hors d’ouvre, but it wasn’t the main course.
I am now certain that race-based dating is ok as long as race isn’t the thing bringing a couple together. There has to be more substance because focusing on race alone is nothing but a fetish. You also can’t expect a person of another race to fit some kind of stereotype. If a guy of another race expects me to be like some “around the way girl” that he saw in a music video, then that’s not me. But, if he wants a black girl who studies several languages, likes to write, and loves 80’s New Wave music, then he can come on over! I don’t expect Asian guys to be mild-mannered or mystical in any way. I just expect them to be honest and straight-forward like I would with any other guy.
Now, as far as looks are concerned, we all have some type of preference and it’s not a crime to find people of a certain race attractive. If a guy of another race finds my brown skin, curly hair, and the shape of my ass a turn on, that’s great, especially when it seems that not many people out there are breaking their necks to praise black women for their beauty. As long as I’m not some interchangeable black girl to him and he likes me for me on top of my looks, then it’s cool.
And yes, I’m attracted to the way Asian guys look, but I’m not going to date any random Asian dude just because he’s Asian. I also don’t want to date ONLY Asian guys because my lust is equal opportunity! I just want to keep my options open and I hope to find Mr. Right, no matter what race he may be.
Well, there was no more boyfriend drama after the event because I moved on. After a few months, I’m still going out with the guy who drove me home that night and if anyone asks how we met, I just say “I met him at a party” not, “I met him at a party for black women and Asian men”. When we are together, we are just us, a girl and a guy dating and having a good time, regardless of the way we got together.
*For those of you who can’t see the video, the short film is about an Asian American man who starts mentioning how he wants to hook up with a beautiful black woman at the bar. He meets one, and they start to hook up – only for him to realize that a race based fetish isn’t as fun as it seems – especially when your partner has one too.