Fucking While Black [Love, Anonymously]
by Anonymous2
I can’t even begin to detail how my skin color has affected my self-esteem with dating. I am always aware of it. Just a few years ago, in college, it wasn’t nearly as bad. At that time, I felt I worked through most of my shit and figured, “I’m young, I want to fuck, and I’m going for it.”
But, the results were not what I expected. Everyone rejected me. Everyone. Now, I understand and welcome rejection because it keeps one’s ego in check. Still, it was every single person I showed the slightest interest in, all in a row. Why? I mean, I was (and am) an ideal catch. I’m young, cute, have a great body, super-smart, and engaging personality. That wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t help but analyze myself and asked, “Why all the no’s?” It wasn’t until I saw how two friends of mine began dating monogamously (although my friend repeatedly told me she didn’t want anything serious; neither did I, dumbass) that it hit me like a punch in the face: the other friend is white.
Despite our similarities, my friend edged me out in that all-important category skin color. I was furious. Here I was, the happiest I’ve ever been, and my race literally clit-blocks me. Pretty soon after the insecurities crept back into my psyche. It was heartbreaking. I had worked so hard to build up my self-esteem about my color, and when faced with a swell of rejection, it crumbled. In retrospect, I see how fragile my confidence really was. My conviction was never reinforced; it was all self-supported. To have all that progress destroyed so drastically really worries and frightens me. I don’t know if I can get that girl back.
What pisses me off more than losing my confidence is that I can’t satisfy my very high sex drive. I love to sex; I love to do it and watch people do it (in feminist porn). What scares me is that I’ll never get the chance to enjoy it. My confidence is so low that I completely talk myself out of making the first move (which I always have to do; apparently nobody attractive desires dark girls). They never consider me dateable or fuckable because of my color. I can see the stereotypes appear on their foreheads like a ticker: asexual, ugly, stupid, dirty, masculine, on and on. And I don’t want to bother convincing them otherwise. I don’t deserve the burden of teaching possible partners about how I’m a multi-dimensional human like them. Is it too much to hope for that people will see me as a person without sitting down for an introductory lecture on race?
Moreover, I’ll be damned if I resort to opening my legs to any man or woman that pays me attention. Yes, I am desperate (it’s been six years, for God’s sake) but I want to want to fuck the person I sleep with. I want to do it with the lights on and watch as that person fucks me speechless. I want to watch that person cum. More importantly, I want that person to want to watch me cum. I want to be their sexual fantasy (and with my sex drive, that’s totally doable). I want someone to tell me how badly she wants to hold my legs apart as she pushes inside me. I want them to think I’m the sexiest woman alive with no qualifiers.
I refuse to believe that because of my skin color, I have to live with limited options and terrible sex, or no sex. How is that fair? Why should I lower my standards and be oh-so-grateful because some 35 year-old wannabe rapper or white guy with a fetish wants to do me? Everyone else is allowed their choice, and no one is asked to compromise. Besides, sex is an amazing act that achieves its best when the two people involved sincerely want each other. Regardless if it’s love or mutual attraction, there’s no better feeling. And I won’t deprive myself of that.
Sometimes, I wonder though. I wonder if I’m even allowed that option. I mean, who am I to think I have a right to be discriminate. I’m a dark-skinned black girl. I should be grateful anyone wants to fuck me, regardless of the reason, right? I mean, it’s not like anyone would ever want to touch or see my naked body just to revel in its beauty; that’s laughable. While I may be perfect in every other way, it’s not enough to change others’ perceptions of me, or make me attractive to them when everything else says otherwise. Realizing this truth makes me not to want to even try.
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