Why Date or Marry Asian Women?

By Deputy Editor Thea Lim

Reader Linda sent us this link to the website Classy Asian Ladies, “where quality single men can connect with upscale Asian women living in the US.” And that’s just the tagline.

The website’s “Why Date or Marry Asian Women?” page says:

While Asian women are well known throughout the world for their exotic beauty and sensitive nature they are also very smart and well educated, and in many cases high earners in the job market.

We can even speak English now!!!

In case you were worried to site was only racist, it’s also scoring high points on the sexism and misogyny meter:

It seems that in today’s society the average woman is becoming very competitive and even a bit more masculine than their counterparts in earlier generations. All the while it seems to be just the opposite is taking place for Asian women who tend to retain their sense of femininity and well-known cultural attitude of gentle and caring support.

That’s right, non-Asian women are just so mean, and they have such broad shoulders and huge fingers. Only Asian women have retained that sense of what it means to be a woman. It must be because we are just so innately connected to the ancient wisdom of our people, right?

With subject headings like “exotic beauty and sensitive nature” and “Asian women’s unique surprises” (oh I’m full of unique surprises), this would be some of the most hilarious satire I’ve ever seen. Except for the fact that Classy Asian Ladies is 100% for serious.

For me, one of the worst things about Asiaphilia, is that it turns me speechless. It upsets me on such a deep and visceral level, that despite my chattypants nature, when an exasperated non-Asian (usually a white guy) asks me what’s so bad about liking Asian girls, I have no words to explain it.

I’m glad that I can turn to the internet to speak for me. In 2006 Vickie Chang an article for the OC Weekly that is still one of the best breakdowns of the heinous phenomenon known as “Yellow Fever.”

Asian fetishism has a long history of being brushed off as a compliment, rather than offensive or bigoted. I’ve been told I ought to be flattered that so many non-Asian men “prefer” Asians and Asian American women. But the coalescing of an ethnicity into a whole, whether exotic, erotic, oversexed or virginal, is a real issue, collectively and individually. (I guess when it comes to stereotypes, Asian women have it better than Asian men do. There are two main themes when it comes to Asian male stereotypes: virginal and emasculated. Not to mention that super-fun myth that goes something like this: small stature equals small penis equals small chance of pleasure.)

Asiaphilia brings with it a set of more intimate considerations. I get to wonder if the man chatting me up is genuinely interested in me or interested in the idea of what he supposes me to be: demure and submissive, the forever-faithful geisha girl/bedroom toy…

Chang quotes a friend who has been traumatised by Asiaphiles:

“It always crosses my mind,” she says, “that I’m replaceable.”

Yellow Fever is about rejecting non-Asian women’s sexualities, as much as it is about seeking embodiments of (ignorant) notions of Asian women’s sexualities. When it comes to desiring an Asian women to submit to you, the other side of the coin is that you are rejecting – for example – black women because of stereotypes that black women are shrill, demanding and pushy.

I have to disagree with Chang that Asian men get the worse deal, not because I think Asian women get the worse deal (or that black women who are assumed to be hypersexual or aggressive get the worse deal) but because having any kind of stereotype foisted on you, is a terrible deal. It doesn’t matter what the stereotype is.

What a stereotype is at base, is something that is deeply dehumanising. One minute you are walking down the street, with full of awareness of how you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and dreams and a family and a life. The next minute, all someone has to say is something like “Asian women are well known throughout the world for their exotic beauty and sensitive nature” or “Black women are kinky freaks” and suddenly, you stop existing as a human. You only exist as part of someone else’s two-dimensional vision of you; a vision that really has nothing to do with who you are, or how you are human.

Chang really hits the nail on the head when she writes:

When someone homogenizes an entire race of people—even if that homogenization tends toward desirable—that someone is creating a wall between himself and the person in question. No one likes to be treated as an outsider, especially in the only country she’s ever known as home.

Actually, don’t worry Classy Asian Ladies has a response for that:

While it is true that the Asian women on ClassyAsianLadies.com have learned Western values and become more outgoing, energetic, independent and fun they still retain the best qualities of both worlds. Along with that special female Asian sophistication that makes these ladies so appealing to every man looking for that perfect Asian girlfriend or wife.

Still not convinced that Classy Asian Ladies is a sick force that needs to be stopped – no matter how many real life Asian women may buy into it?* One last quote from Chang:

It’s arguable that Asiaphilia, ironically, stems from legal attempts to exclude Asian Americans from the United States. The criteria by which many Asian women were permitted to enter the U.S. were not exactly morally sound: prostitutes, picture brides, war brides, mail-order brides. Sexuality was a prerequisite for refuge in the United States.

At times like this, I like to visit Big Bad Chinese Mama, or listen to Jen Kwok’s Date An Asian. But watch out, these are not for the faint of heart. These classy Asian ladies are writing some serious satire, and they have a lot of rage.

But can you really blame them?

__
*I’m not saying that individual Asian women should never date white men. It’s rather that the marketing campaign that needs to be stopped.

**Image courtesy of Big Bad Chinese Mama

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Trackbacks & Pings

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[...] A great article to be read: Asiaphilia — Why date or marry Asian women? [...]
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Comments

Brenda wrote:

I thought this was a good article and although I’m not an Asian woman, I did become angry about what I read: about how much stereotypes and negative/positive images in the media play a role in how many people “just walking by” or just watching television perceive us as WOC especially. Even more so, how we are betrayed by our own race/gender who play into and submit to these stereotypes for the pleasure of men.

I am a black girl and although I grew up in “black culture”, I am an American, and other than me caring about issues of race (and being a child of God), being AMERICAN is what defines me. Being a WOMAN is what defines me. I am not the stereotypical black girl that is seen in the videos or on a television show rolling her eyes, shaking her head and snapping her fingers. I don’t really listen to rap or much R&B because it talks too much about the same things: drugs, sex and money. I am a woman and I am feminine, so feminine that I complain if my husband spends a little too much time playing video games or “in his own world” than standing silently next to me as I ramble and talk about nothing while washing the dishes.

There’s this free paper in New York City called the Village Voice and in the back of the magazine, there are about two to three pages advertising services involving beautiful Asian women. And while your “exotic beauty and sensitive nature” (not trying to be offensive) are desirable my many men, it looks as if the ladies are being “sold” more than the product being advertised and it seems as though the women in the advertisements are being “sold” by their own.

Unfortunately history plays into stereotypes and if stereotypes are being supported by others and by our own, then many people on the outside looking in will continue to feed into them.

Sadly, that’s just the world we live in.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 8:36 am ¶
Eva wrote:

“What a stereotype is at base, is something that is deeply dehumanising. One minute you are walking down the street, with full of awareness of how you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and dreams and a family and a life. The next minute, all someone has to say is something like “Asian women are well known throughout the world for their exotic beauty and sensitive nature” or “Black women are kinky freaks” and suddenly, you stop existing as a human. You only exist as part of someone else’s two-dimensional vision of you; a vision that really has nothing to do with who you are, or how you are human.”

Very true. This is all about personhood. Once people are reduced to a stereotype they lose their personhood, they become an object.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 9:17 am ¶
Sean Jin wrote:

What’s going on with the image you picked to go with this article!? It’s freaking me out

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 9:32 am ¶
miga wrote:

Where did this picture come from? I’d like to know more about it, what it’s trying to say, why it was chosen for this article.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 9:49 am ¶
TierListE wrote:

You know you’ve been corrupted by 4chan when it took like 3 times to see that picture before you realize that . . . “yeah, that’s a bit odd”.

*goes to corner of shame*

Really liked the article though, and the music video.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 10:09 am ¶
Irene M. wrote:

Countdown until someone says…

“But what if someone is just physically attracted to shorter/dark haired/brown eyed/etc women?”

in 3, 2…

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 10:23 am ¶
Thea Lim wrote:

@Everyone who asked about image

So sorry, I forgot to put in an image credit. I got it from the Big Bad Chinese Mama website. As far as I can tell it is Hello Kitty as a bad-ass sumo wrestler instead of as a docile classy Asian lady.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 10:24 am ¶
brooksie wrote:

I am happy to see AW speaking out in increasing numbers on this issue. In the past I’ve seen some of this nonsense and I’m amazed that these guys don’t realize just how degrading it all sounds, but it’s time to set the record straight. It amazes me that so many think this sort of fetishism is a “compliment” of sorts.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 10:28 am ¶
Restructure! wrote:

@Thea: Except Hello Kitty is sexually assaulting some yellow-skinned Asian schoolgirl. It looks like it is meant to be sexual, because the Asian girl’s boobs are exposed, her legs are spread, and she’s an a submissive position. (Is that a video camera in the bottom-left corner?)

Just saying.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 11:13 am ¶
Erika wrote:

I found the image appropriate because it embodies many stereotypes about Asian (mostly Japanese) culture. By the way, I’m hoping that the image wouldn’t lead to people derailing the conversation by going “it’s fine!” or “it’s bad! Take it down!”

Excellent article, by the way. It says so many things that I’ve felt over the years but I didn’t have the right words to explain to people.

Stereotypes and generalizations are harmful, no matter what the intention. The guys who hit on me because of my race don’t seem to realize that saying I’m so much prettier because of my race = not at all a compliment to me. I’m my own person, not just an Asian girl.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 11:54 am ¶
Jess wrote:

OK, I am the product of a marriage (my grandparents) between an Asian (Japanese) woman and a white (Jewish) guy. And my mom definitely looks ‘Asian’ (though the funny thing was I never thought so growing up… weird how living with someone all the time can do weird things to your perceptions) but, anyway:

A lot of white men who have ideas about Asian women are going to be disappointed. There is a great little chapter in a book called The Japanese Mind (Robert Christopher) that describes the problem: a lot of white guys think of Madame Butterfly or geishas or all those dumb stereotypes of Asian women being submissive. They have never met a Japanese woman, it seems, and don’t get that all that ’submissive’ stuff is horse-pucky. Many marriages would fall apart because the expectations were all out of line with reality. Granted, the book was written 30 years ago, so things have altered a bit, but the problem obviously still exists.

Second, I think a lot of this crap comes from a long history of exoticizing women from other cultures — it just takes different forms depending on era and region. I think it panders to men who have ideas about women generally and I wonder how many of the men who frequent this stuff have ever met a real woman and just talked.

The ad copy on the site reminds me a little of the stuff I see advertising Russian mail-order brides, or those from other parts of Europe (pick any country that is relatively poor).

(For the record, I married a woman from the Philippines. Thea’s “We can even speak English now!!” is particularly funny in that respect, as when I met her I thought she was from California by her accent).

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 12:27 pm ¶
Deaf Indian Muslim Anarchist wrote:

I have plenty of strong, fierce, outspoken Asian lady friends who wear DOC MARTENS steel-toed combat boots and can stomp all over these racist mysogynists’ heads over !!!

f–king pigs.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 12:35 pm ¶
eric wrote:

This extends into the gay community, too. Ever since one boy told me he only dated me because I’m Asian, I’ve been more keenly aware of “yellow fever” as it pertains to my life as a gay Asian man. In gay porn, Asian men tend to be cast as the “bottom” or receiver, which (speaking in terms of gender normativity) posits them as the “feminine” role, and also as the “subordinate” as opposed to “dominant”. (Although there are exceptions obviously, like Brandon Lee who primarily tops.)

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 12:42 pm ¶
HoneyPower wrote:

“Yellow Fever is about rejecting non-Asian women’s sexualities, as much as it is about seeking embodiments of (ignorant) notions of Asian women’s sexualities. When it comes to desiring an Asian women to submit to you, the other side of the coin is that you are rejecting – for example – black women because of stereotypes that black women are shrill, demanding and pushy.”

I agree but I think there’s even an even more insidious implication.

My impression of Asiaphilia, or any racial fixation for that matter is that it serves to exert dominance over two groups. The objects of desire, in this instance Asian women, are canonized as paragons of femininity, antidotes to the pesky feminism that is so pervasive in western cultures. Non-Asian women are demonized for not adhering to the same standard (e.g. as op said being too loud, competing with men, getting fat). In either case women are expected not to trespass the boundaries of acceptable female behavior. It’s an all too familiar system where women bear the brunt of blame for the devolution of moral society. The phenomena of single parent homes, abortion, low birth rates, high birth rates, low sexual morals are predominantly blamed on women. But stereotypes of Asian women are dually natured. Asian women are sexual, but not sexual, powerful, but not powerful. They can be CEOs of biotech firms, but will submit to men. Stereotyping a group of people as submissive to oneself is beyond ignorant, it’s narcissistic, it’s sublimated colonialist mentality.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 12:59 pm ¶
Mrs. R. wrote:

They can be CEOs of biotech firms, but will submit to men. Stereotyping a group of people as submissive to oneself

I found this really interesting. One of the few reasons why some non-BM choose BW to date is our reputation as workhorses. Basically, “If you wanna be a lazy, leech of an asshole, get a BW because they’re used to supporting/caring for/slaving for men.”

I see this is somewhat true of Asian women, that Asian women are at least intelligent enough to get GOOD jobs (high status and high paying–unlike BW who are societally slated to do all the grunt work) so they’ll still happily work outside the home to support you but will still make your dinner for you and give you backrubs before sex. Basically, they’re feminist enough to benefit Asiaphile men but not too much to actually challenge their egos.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 1:53 pm ¶
lodown wrote:

“Yellow Fever is about rejecting non-Asian women’s sexualities, as much as it is about seeking embodiments of (ignorant) notions of Asian women’s sexualities.”

I think Yellow Fever is also about rejecting Asian women’s sexualities in that it rejects any Asian women who has a sexuality or sexual identity that doesn’t fit into the docile, exotic box. Even Asian people buy into this to some extent. Bisexuals and lesbians of Asian descent, butch Asians, assertive Asians are denied their cultures in a way that parallels how women who fit into the stereotypes are reduced to their cultures. If you’re aggressive, loud, rude, domineering, gay, fat, etc. then you’ve been westernized; you’re a banana, you’re trying to be white.

You can’t win.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 1:58 pm ¶
Thea Lim wrote:

@eric

Chang actually does a good job of probing that gay aspect of Yellow Fever, I’d highly recommend the article.

@Restructure

I see what you mean. I saw the chest as being a man’s chest but now that I look again it does look womanly.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 2:06 pm ¶
Kandeezie wrote:

“Sexuality was a prerequisite for refuge in the United States.” – geez! That answers so many questions about how this perception was shaped/created.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 2:15 pm ¶
Val wrote:

I always find it somewhat jarring when I read an article that really has nothing to do with African Americans and the writer throws us in there as some sort of example to make a point.

So this article is about how dehumanizing stereotypes are and yet the writer dehumanizes us by including a stereotype but then not exploring it.

I don’t think the writer in this case is doing this with malice but it still bothers me.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 2:30 pm ¶
Thea Lim wrote:

@ Val

The reason why I mentioned black women is in order to draw a parallel between the ways that different women of colour experience racialised sexism. More often than not when we talk about the experiences of a particular ethnic group of women of colour, we either talk just about that group, or we talk about that group’s relationship to the dominant culture; rather than looking at ways that we share different experiences.

I think often the instinct in these situations is to talk about how women of colour are sexualised vis a vis how white women are sexualised. Rather than making everything about a group of colour vs white folks (an analysis that centers white folks), I chose to look at how different groups of women of colour have reason to feel solidarity with each other, across very different experiences of racialised sexism.

You state that this has nothing to do with African Americans – but I disagree there. This has to do with non-Asian women, as Classy Asian Ladies is about how Asian women are supposedly different from other women. So what Classy Asian Ladies does is dehumanise Asian women on purpose, while dehumanising other women of colour and white women by default. To me addressing the way that other women of colour are sexualised seemed very relevant, and was not about simply trying to illustrate the way that Asian women are sexualised.

I agree with you that it would’ve deepened the article for me to further elaborate on how black women are sexualised. Perhaps I could’ve linked to this article in the OP, which I appreciated very much for its extremely eloquent analysis of street harassment of black women: http://www.racialicious.com/2009/09/23/oh-you-cant-speak-to-a-brotha/

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 3:23 pm ¶
Digital Coyote wrote:

I thought the picture was a man, too, initially. Maybe Sumo Kitty is trying to kill the hypersexualized image of the Asian school girl? It looks like the cameras are focused on her “”Girls Gone Wild”-ness (IE the fantasy) and not the reality that she’s harmful and needs to be stopped? All they see is “cat fight” and keep rolling.

Beyond that, I’m glad for sites like Big Bad Chinese Mama. I know people like the ones that flock to Classy Asian Ladies: they make the same arguments and can’t for the life of them see how the fetishization would be disrespectful or downright creepy. If I point it out, I get the stereotypes Val is touching on thrown back at me or being “jealous” as reason for me not supporting the sleezery.

I will admit that I’ve never thought about the “sex as safe passage” angle before and feel even more creeped out by the whole thing now.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 3:24 pm ¶
Val wrote:

@Thea Lim

As I said I don’t think you were being malicious. It’s just that it happens a lot. Someone is trying to make a point about some sort of oppression and offhandedly uses Black people as an example. So I suppose I have a sort of heightened awareness to it.

I do agree that stereotypes beget other stereotypes. Each helps give credence to others. So in that way I agree that the stereotypes affecting Asian women help to perpetuate stereotypes about women and women of color in general.

Thanks for the link. That article and the comments were very interesting.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 4:33 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:

I’ve noticed this typical response (in condensed form) to complaints by Asian women concerning objectification of Asian women:

“Why can’t you take a compliment – bitch!”

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 5:15 pm ¶
Dawn. wrote:

“Sexuality was a prerequisite for refuge in the United States.” OMG, I did not know about that. That explains a lot about the evolution of the pernicious stereotypes ascribed to Asian women.

“What a stereotype is at base, is something that is deeply dehumanising. One minute you are walking down the street, with full of awareness of how you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and dreams and a family and a life. The next minute, all someone has to say is something like “Asian women are well known throughout the world for their exotic beauty and sensitive nature” or “Black women are kinky freaks” and suddenly, you stop existing as a human. You only exist as part of someone else’s two-dimensional vision of you; a vision that really has nothing to do with who you are, or how you are human.”

This is exactly what I mean to say when I try to explain why stereotypes about women’s sexualities are so harmful. You become a product or an object, not a person. Excellent article!

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 5:29 pm ¶
Nga wrote:

Beyond the hurtful wrong that is stereotyping, I don’t know how those doing the fetishizing (fetishist? fetishizer?) can dare claim that these so-called relationships are loving and meaningful?

Doesn’t that just give a bad name to love/relationships, then? There is no relationship if one person has been reduced to nothing more than a bunch of inappropriate labels and ideas.

Ugh. Shit just gives me the shivers.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 5:32 pm ¶
Catherine wrote:

@eric
Two words: Van Hotman. He is a top in the BDSM scene. I don’t know whether he’s working in the industry, but he did have a website at one point. NSFW so try googling in the safety of your home!

@lodown
I absolutely agree. It can feel awfully lonely sometimes as a queer Asian American woman, fighting objectification and defining for myself what it means to be an Asian American woman on the one hand, as I fend off the perception that I’ve turned into an ungrateful banana on the other hand. “Banana” and “twinkie” are weird loaded colonialized terms that rubbed me the wrong way even as a kid. They were accusations that struck me as deeply unfair, essentially forcing kids to draw a box around themselves or risk disownment. Those terms drew a line in the sand of what “American” culture and values were (which was the same as “white”), and what “Chinese” culture and values were (which were considered to be steeped in tradition and superior to “American” values).

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 5:39 pm ¶
Mrs. R. wrote:

Thea Lim,

I understand why you referred to Black women and it wasn’t to throw us under the “perpetually undesirable” bus.

Whenever I see media about the stereotype of the desirable, submissive, uber-feminine, positively-exotic Asian woman, I immediately understand the implications to the image of Black women as the polar opposite. That implication is there whether or not it is outwardly invoked just like the implications of non-Black women being inherently more feminine by the invocation of the loud, masculinized, rhino-hided she-beast (Sapphire), the asexual, uber-grunt-worker (Mammy) or the unrapable, sexual toilet (Jezebel). It’s the same for other non-Asian women.

If we look at these things in an “us” or “me” only manner, we miss how ALL of this is interconnected and how we ALL are affected by this crap.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 5:58 pm ¶
Moni wrote:

I wonder how Asian women who have characteristics similar to the ones of stereotypical Asian women feel about these issues. I remember one poster mentioning sometimes feeling like she had to be more outspoken than she is naturally in order to NOT play into the stereotype ( I don’t want to name her, but maybe she can elaborate). Another problem with these stereotypes is that they make the behavior, characteristics, or mannerisms that are encompassed in the stereotype problematic, when they may not be on an individual level.

Case in point; for me as a black woman, I really get miffed when I hear another black woman trying to distance herself from the stereotypical black woman who is “rolling her eyes, shaking her head, and snapping her fingers” as Brenda stated in post #1. I mean, I understand that individual black woman wanting to assert who identity, which does not encompass those mannerisms, but what about the black women who do cut their eyes and put their hands on their hips (like me)?

I feel like I have deal not only with the people who have the stereotype in their heads, but also the people who are trying to push back against the stereotype, when all I want to do is be myself. I hope that makes sense…I can clarify later if needed, but I would love to hear Asian women’s experiences with this…

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 6:10 pm ¶
MoonCat wrote:

yuck, yuck and yuck. this is something i see often in my field of study (asian studies) from the white, geeky anime guys. it’s really frustrating because at the graduate level, i just expect people who spend their lives to dissecting grammar, culture, religion, etc, to be past that and realize that their “personal preferences for asian girls” since they “still know how to be women” is creepy and racist striped with sexist. i also hate how many men always say “asian girls”, never “asian women”.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 6:28 pm ¶
CVT wrote:

@lodown: “If you’re aggressive, loud, rude, domineering, gay, fat, etc. then you’ve been westernized”

You’re absolutely right on that take, but it’s so ironic – I’m living in China now, and trust me – “aggressive, loud and domineering” is the name of the game a lot of the time (I refrain from calling it “rude” – because that’s the rules here). And what about all these badass Chinese grandmas I see at the park – at 80 years-plus, still tough as nails, spitting fire, and physically strong enough to balance on one leg or do the splits?

Sadly – so many foreigners out here STILL subscribe to the “submissive Asian” myth; when they’re SURROUNDED by examples that completely blow that myth apart. You see what you want to see, I guess . . .

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 6:43 pm ¶
Danny wrote:

To CTV’s comment and everyone else,

You can shove a giant picture of reality to a person’s face but if he/she can still be just as blind if the person does not care or wants to stay in that fantasy.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 7:07 pm ¶
RCHOUDH wrote:

Disturbingly enough I’ve read of porn addicts and Asian fetishists using almost the SAME EXACT REASONS for why they choose to become an addict/fetishist. Even though both are engaging in differently harmful behaviors (with one guy locked in his room wanking off to hardcore porn and another actively seeking out Asian women to satisfy a sick fetish) both types of men (predominantly white) like to bash white Western women and feminism for their predicament. Those feminists argue back with their men, don’t cook and clean anymore, spend more time working and doting on their children than on hubby, let their looks go, and finally break off the relationship and run away with half the man’s loot! What else is red blooded (white) American male to do but reject these harpies once and for all?/sarcasm.

I feel sorry for Asian women who are stuck with these fetishists. They may wind up realizing that these men are no better than more “traditional” Asian males and may in some cases even be worse because they’ll be so damn stubborn about making sure the woman lives up to specifically unrealistic and stereotypical feminine ideals crafted by him!

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 7:09 pm ¶
pilot wrote:

RCHOUDH- I think you’re on to something.

I was at a bar once and this man sitting behind me started to talk about his wife and how she helped out a lot when there was a death in the family… I thought it was kind of sweet, until he said something like, “Asians, they’re not like us. They’re women are caring, and know what it means to take care of their men.” I wanted to throw up. And then I had this moment when I wondered if he would go on to have a daughter, half Asian like me, and if that could possibly make him start thinking Asian women were human.

Posted 04 Feb 2010 at 9:03 pm ¶
Wendi Muse wrote:

it’s interesting that you bring up black women here as hypersexual or sexually aggressive, mainly because it reminds me of how much stereotypes also depend on the community being asked. i feel like i hear more of the stereotype that black women are sexual prudes who don’t want to mess up their hair during sex… but that’s more of a thing that floats around in the black community, with white women being posited as the contrast (there is even that creepy barbershop scene in Good Hair that talks to the men about this…the whole running the fingers through white hair, etc). there’s also the stereotype that black women are simply too angry to stop and have sex (gotta love stereotypes, huh?). i have found that when there is a sexual aggressor stereotype assigned to black women, it’s either in the form of humor (see: my posts on virginiaca of SNL) as if a black woman, particularly a large black woman, wanting to have sex and potentially succeeding is some sort of ironic anomaly, or it’s exhibited by someone who fits better within dominant cultural norms for beauty (i.e. light skin, thinner body, etc), like halle berry in monster’s ball.

i also think that the general indifference some people feel toward specific racial groups and their sexuality is interested. in some ways, depending on the group you ask, asian and asian american women are also rendered to non-sexual beings (and by that i don’t mean virginal, i just mean that sexuality/being sexual is not even a trait ascribed to them). i notice happens a lot within the queer community…it’s almost like the rendering invisible of one community by desexualizing them. not sure if i am making sense, but it’s one of those anecdotal things that becomes hard to describe in text.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 3:42 am ¶
Medusa wrote:

You can shove a giant picture of reality to a person’s face but if he/she can still be just as blind if the person does not care or wants to stay in that fantasy.

This. A million times. I was once talking to two white people (and I’m sure this has a lot to do with them being white) but they were basically TELLING me what Chinese (and Asian in general) women are like.

They have never even been to Asia. I spent most of my life in Asia and just relocated from Asia. But despite me telling them that, no. They just know more about what Asian women are like than I do. Not quite the same situation, because the picture wasn’t right there in their face, but you would think they would acknowledge that I have a better understanding of “Asian culture” (and yes I realize there is no such thing) and by proxy Asian women than what they’ve seen on TV and the three Asian people they’ve met in their lives. And of course what they knew about Asian women were all the stereotypes mentioned upthread.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 5:54 am ¶
RCHOUDH wrote:

Thanks pilot. I also forgot to mention another disturbing reason shared by both fetishists and porn addicts that’s used to supposedly justify their behavior in their eyes. That is that feminism has caused white women to never be satisfied during sex thereby becoming too demanding. At the same time these women never just shut up and satisfy the man. Reasons like this make these suspect such men don’t know how to form healthy meaningful relationships with any real life women.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 8:37 am ¶
urbia wrote:

“What a stereotype is at base, is something that is deeply dehumanising. One minute you are walking down the street, with full of awareness of how you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and dreams and a family and a life. The next minute… You only exist as part of someone else’s two-dimensional vision of you; a vision that really has nothing to do with who you are, or how you are human.”

Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

What clicked for me as I was reading this, was that this stereotyping is probably responsible for all the times people have said to me, “You’re really hard to get to know.”

The implication is that I’m hiding my ‘true’ self from them, or that I’m being fake, or I’m holding them off at a distance, and they’re hoping that one day, they’ll get past whatever barrier there is between us and I’ll ‘blossom’ into this two-dimensional stereotype to fit the one in their minds… and finally, I’ll make sense to them.

Because currently, as I am, I DON’T make any sense to them. I’m ironically being myself and spilling out beyond the constraints of their cook-cutter image all over the place.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 1:07 pm ¶
urbia wrote:

And that’s just the quasi-benign, ignorant, don’t-know-any-better response. There are also more hostile, accusing responses that imply, “How dare you be something other than what our society went to the trouble of trying to socialize you into? You’re causing social problems by being too complicated, inconsistent, and unpredictable all the time.”

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 1:08 pm ¶
urbia wrote:

I find that sometimes people will not truly try to ‘get to know’ me as an Asian woman – they’ll simply be trying to find out what *type* of Asian woman I am. It’s still stereotyping but more like employing several sub-categories of stereotypes than one solid stereotype (ie. traditional, meek, or white-wasted). And each sub-category of a stereotype will bring with it corresponding insulting assumptions. Oh, you’re this type of Asian woman because this probably happened to you in the past – and they’ll bring out a list of scenarios. Oh, your parents were too conservative, or you’re a twinky ashamed of your race, etc., etc.

And finally, if you dare to oppose or correct this racist stereotyping, you’re accused of being ’sensitive.’ Personally, I think the term ’sensitive’ in regard to race relations can be reclaimed.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 5:01 pm ¶
urbia wrote:

And finally, if you dare to oppose or correct this racist stereotyping, you’re accused of being ’sensitive.’ Personally, I think the term ’sensitive’ in

regard to race relations can be reclaimed.

Currently, it’s generally thought of as being overly emotional, causing drama (code word), making a ruckus for no reason, looking for racism where there

is none.

But to me, sensitivity can be better defined as, “Being extremely aware, as a POC or WOC, of the different ways in which you are denied resources,

opportunities, and credit, and your degree of response to these when they happens.” White people, being privileged, are not aware, and will

misunderstand your response. At worst, they will use the old definition to explain it away and avoid dealing with debates about inequality.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 5:02 pm ¶
Manny wrote:

I live in Southern California and I can safely say more than half of the Asian women I meet are married to white men.

Posted 05 Feb 2010 at 6:01 pm ¶
sarita wrote:

As a non-Asian woman living in Tokyo, I see this sort of thing all the time. While obviously there are many Western guys who come to Japan and other Asian countries for completely valid reasons, there certainly exists a population of men who see their time in Tokyo as a way to get a “hot Japanese girlfriend.” As well as the (however limited) population of Japanese women who actively go after foreign men, often because of all the cultural propaganda telling them that Western guys are better.
There’s even a name for it–it’s called “gaijin power,” aka the Big in Japan phenomenon (gaijin being Japanese for foreigner)
In the end, it means that as a non-Asian woman living here, you find yourself feeling incredibly left out. Everywhere you look, it seems like all the foreign guys only want to be with Japanese girls. While the Japanese guys either lack the self-confidence to approach you, or maybe just aren’t interested in foreign women (living among so many skinny, heavily made-up, fashion-conscious Tokyo women will give you a complex real fast, let me tell you).
And while obviously there are many exceptions to this rule, they are far less high-profile. Either way, it gets to you. And the fault, I think, comes from both sides, in terms of cultural profiling.
Case in point, I was hanging out one night with the (Japanese) host mother of one of my friends. As a foreign girl, you fairly quickly get used to being asked whether you would ever date Japanese guys. To be polite (and, incidentally, truthful) I usually respond that as long as he was a good person, it wouldn’t matter. To which my friend’s host mom went off on a rant about how you should never marry a Japanese man, it’s so lonely, they never tell you they love you… etc. Both disturbing and awkward.
Not long before that, my 16 year old host sister and I had been watching TV, talking about guys, etc. And she of course asked me the same question. I responded by saying that, for example, among Japanese actors, there were several I found attractive, and then named some. A statement which my host sister found absolutely beyond belief. The idea that I (a foreign girl) could actually find *any* Japanese guy attractive was just so out there that she had trouble wrapping her mind around the concept.

Anyway, reading this just struck home in a lot of ways (though, granted from the opposite side of things) so I needed to vent.

Posted 06 Feb 2010 at 1:34 am ¶
GENQ10 wrote:

@ Manny
Yeah, I’ve heard that from many people. I feel that by this point, this norm is so pervasive, I’m almost reluctant to say anything. A million Asian women and White men will blow up and think I’m accusing them of being racist in their coupling decisions, and a half-Asian person will think I’m dissing their parents. God, I’m biracial and I’ll be the first to admit that MY parents didn’t fall in love in a vacuum. So many people live without being introspective, it’s disgusting.

Mod Note: @ Manny & GENQ10 While it makes a lot of sense to feel disheartened by a norm where it seems like people of colour are not valued and whiteness is always preferable, let’s try and talk about the cultural trend that keeps that in place, rather than blame individual couples.

I’ve definitely had my days where oodles and doodles of white/poc couples get me down in the dumps (and I’m mixed race too, Chinese & white), but the way that people choose partners is very complicated and based on personal history. So criticising individual couplings is murky; ultimately I figure I have no idea what’s going on between two people I don’t know, that I see on the street. Instead, looking at trends and cultural institutions like Classy Asian Ladies that promote a really racist agenda makes more sense.

- Thea

Posted 06 Feb 2010 at 4:23 pm ¶
akibare wrote:

@Honey Power (#14):

EXACTLY my thoughts too. They manage to insult both their “chosen” group and non-members at the same time.

You can find any number of creepy blogs written by American or Canadian (usually white) men who go to Japan to teach English and write endlessly about how much BETTER the women are, how refreshing it is, that women here are really feminine, not like those fat women back home who insist on opening the door for themselves and having careers.

Though some will take it an extra creepy step further – they start understanding more of the conversation in the office or whatever it is and then all of a sudden it’s “but oh no! THESE women have abandoned their traditional wonderful culture that I love so much, they’re being Westernized[1], and it’s a travesty. At least *I* still appreciate their real culture which they seem to know nothing about.”

[1] yes, there are loads of issues packed into the use of that word

Posted 06 Feb 2010 at 6:23 pm ¶
Alex K. wrote:

I understand how stereotypes hurt everybody, regardless of what the stereotype is. But, I slightly disagree with the notion that Asian men don’t have it worse. I’m not trying to make the argument “you don’t know how bad it is out there for asian men, boo hoo”. But, from what I’ve seen, more often then not, these pursuers of Asian women end up in meaningful, long-lasting relationships with Asian women. Granted, what constitutes meaningful is different from person to person. But after long-term dating, it seems that fetishism tends to die down in favor of personality. In comparison, Asian men are less likely to meet women, due to the negative stereotypes, and have these potential relationships. I don’t mean to convey it as an “end of the world” scenario, but maybe it’s slightly less favorable for Asian men in the dating scene. Why do you think more Asian women marry non-Asian men than Asian men marry non-Asian women?

I’m just trying to state one possible explanation.

Posted 07 Feb 2010 at 2:07 pm ¶
Somebody wrote:

“There are so many reasons why men find Asian ladies so intoxicating, they are known for their loving and gentle nature, they are extremely loyal, supportive, and dedicated to their men.”

Sure they’re not setting you up with Golden Retrievers? Never heard of the special “Asian Lady” breed?

Posted 07 Feb 2010 at 6:21 pm ¶
Nico wrote:

There’s nothing wrong with white men dating asian women, of course, but when I hear a white guy say that he specifically likes asian women (or worse, ONLY dates asian women), it’s a HUGE RED FLAG.
It tells me that this guy is
1.An ignorant, racist idiot.
2.A sexist who is looking for a submissive, unthreatening woman who’ll treat him like a god.
The fact that real asian women are not any more submissive than women in any other culture will never get through to him – all his ideas are of geishas and anime schoolgirls, and nothing is going to change his mind.
Run from this man. RUN.

Posted 07 Feb 2010 at 11:29 pm ¶
urbia wrote:

“You can find any number of creepy blogs written by American or Canadian (usually white) men who go to Japan to teach English and write endlessly about how much BETTER the women are, how refreshing it is, that women here are really feminine, not like those fat women back home who insist on opening the door for themselves and having careers.”

While teaching abroad and being part of the expat community as a ‘minority’ there too (most English teachers are white and I’m Asian-American), I’ve heard conversations like these and can say that, unfortunately, it typically sounds like someone in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of travel. The honeymoon phase is the term for the first stage of culture shock. They see the best of everything and compare what they find in their new surroundings to what they didn’t like at home. Once that wears off, though, the remarks can get kind of ugly. The person will come to the conclusion that “women are just the same everywhere” if reality hits them in the face and their ‘fantasy’ is proven wrong. The dating of Asian women may continue but it might actually take an abusive turn. I’ve heard foreigners exchange tips on how to ‘control’ South Korean women, completely aware of their privilege in the country, how to seduce and ‘use’ them, or make them look bad in front of their parents as a form of coercion or punishment, or other Koreans.

On the other side of the coin, there are expats that will consider themselves like some kind of white savior. The typical scenario is that they’re walking down the street engaged in normal routine activities when they see a man giving a woman a hard time. They intervene to ’save’ her, and if she doesn’t display any sort of gratitude toward him he’ll assume she ‘deserves’ to be in an abusive situation and warn other expats in disgust not to even bother. It really didn’t seem to me like the motivation was to sincerely help the women – it was more to play out some kind of fantasy role.

Posted 08 Feb 2010 at 1:22 am ¶
Doug S. wrote:

I’m reminded of this:

http://www.isteve.com/islovecolorblind.htm

For whatever reason, Asians (of both genders) are perceived as more feminine than whites, and blacks (of both genders) are perceived as more masculine.

Posted 08 Feb 2010 at 7:59 am ¶
Lila wrote:

I can’t help noticing the significance of size in this issue. “Femininity” is seen as small, “masculinity” as large. I feel like some of this is related to the idea that stereotypical Asian women are small and “dainty”, black women are “large and in charge”. This also explains the “emasculated” conception of asian men. I wonder if this factor is somewhat underexplored in attempting to understand racism/sexism. Look, I’m a 5′10″ white (no, really, my skin at birth was so transparent they checked for a heart problem) chick that naturally looks like the lovechild of a giant Viking and the St. Pauli girl. But, because of my size and opinionated nature (which people seem to think naturally go together), I have gotten regular references of one kind or another to my “blackness.” Does anyone have any deep analyses of th

Posted 08 Feb 2010 at 12:57 pm ¶
JB wrote:

Interesting post. I had a very similar conversation with someone over dinner the other night. He, a white man, was complaining that it was an insult to him when when white women dating black men. Not even addressing the bigotry of his rant, I pointed out that there are plenty of white men who date other races, in particular asian women, but he thought that was fine and couldn’t see my point. The rest of the table understood and we had an interesting conversation about the fetishism of different races. While the orginial man couldn’t understand the bigger picture, I would like the ask the broader audience, is this only wrong when its a common stereotype? What about the friend who loves “short hairy Jewish men”?

Posted 08 Feb 2010 at 6:33 pm ¶
Shiyo wrote:

As an Asian woman I always find it hilarious when people try to tell me what Asian women are like. o_O Most of the Asian women I know (and most of my friends are Asian) are pretty outgoing and aggressive. And we all suck at cooking, though our eating skills are top-notch

I agree that there is a tendency to extrapolate from a group’s (or an individual’s) average physical size notions of their femininity/masculinity. I also think that there are stricter gender roles in Japanese society and a premium placed on politeness; there is also still a huge gender gap in the workplace in Korea, so the stereotype of Asian housewives in those countries is not completely unfounded (it’d still be silly to assume that an individual woman wants to be a housewife). However, that gender gap doesn’t exist for Asian Americans, and it’s extremely stupid to think that they share the same cultural notions as the countries of their ethnicity, when they probably weren’t even born there.

I’ll note that I’m a naturally shy, introverted, and bookish person, so I probably reinforce stereotypes of my race and gender. I’m a bit self-conscious about this around white people and usually try to be more talkative and self-confident and quicker to smack down crap if I’m the only Asian person around. I feel like people who are not familiar with Asians may also be more predisposed to making assumptions, and more likely to see me as a representative of my whole race rather than an individual . It’s like how my parents are worried that Asians are seen as stingy, so they always tip heavily.

Posted 08 Feb 2010 at 8:05 pm ¶
Yetunde wrote:

@ JB,
I always wondered if there are white men who get upset when they see black men dating white women. Based on my observation, usually the white women who date black men tended to be heavier so I didn’t think white men cared. Your post surprises me. Thanks for sharing.

Posted 09 Feb 2010 at 12:26 pm ¶
cityofspheres wrote:

While I realize this forum is dedicated to the discussion of race, I believe there are two issues here that may be getting conflated.

1. People searching for submissive partners.
2. People assuming Asian women tend to be submissive.

While we may not like either one of these things, I’d like to treat them as separate issues. The phenomenon of people searching for submissive partners cuts across race, gender, and sexual orientation boundaries. It even goes beyond partner relationships – perhaps you want a friend who will always do what you want, like agree to watch the same movies you like, and never try to make you watch movies you’re not keen on watching. There’s a lot of people out there who aren’t racist, but just plain old self-centered people who want the world to revolve around them, and they prefer partners, friends, and coworkers who’ll let them dominate.

Posted 10 Feb 2010 at 7:06 pm ¶
Roger Chan wrote:

I think that “yellow fever” is overstated. Most white men with Asian women would rather hav white women but can’t get them. So they just settle for the more attainable Asian woman.

If any Asian woman is offended by that, I would argue that Asian men are INCREDIBLY attainable. Substantially more attainable than white men.

Also, the image of submissive easily attainable Asian woman is perpetuated by the constant sight of Asian women with white men.

To Chang’s friend who always feels replaceable: You can avoid that feeling by dating an Asian American man. You probably will not be seen as replaceable since he will have a much harder time replacing you. But, perhaps what I am suggesting is far too unreasonable.

Posted 12 Feb 2010 at 1:50 am ¶
lyv wrote:

This is a great article. I am half asian and half white so I have grown up around both the asian and the white communities. As a child and a young adult my friends didn’t really seem to care about race in regards to how they liked somebody. However, as I hit high school I began to notice that while my asian friends seemed to stay the same, I began to meet more and more white boys who seemed fascinated by the idea of asian women. Its very annoying to me. To me I feel like that whole idea of the dainty asian woman is a big sham. My grandmother can act dainty if it suits her but she’s one of the most stubborn, opinionated women that I know. I don’t know any proof that out of all the asian ladies I know a majority of them are more ladylike than white women. One thing that I can say is that asian culture does put a lot of importance on manners and respect, especially towards strangers and the elder members of a family/group. That was how I was raised too. And I began to notice that many boys were expecting that I was going to be a very subserviant girlfriend just because I acted polite upon first meeting them (like how I was raised!). It was all very confusing. I noticed also that the stereoptype is held by asian men too. In fact, I was pursued very heavily by a japanese man who was convinced that I was perfect for him because I was not too asian to be just a robot woman and not too white to be stubborn or overly opinionated. Another thing that I noticed is (I’m not sure where they are getting this notion) that a lot of men seem to think that asian women are better groomed, better feeling in bed, and have better bodies than white women. I have been to the hot springs in japan and can say that the idea of asian women being better groomed is in my experience not always the case.I’m not a man so I don’t profess to know the “difference” between white and asian in the bedroom. But…. People are ignorant and they like to generalise to make things easier on themselves. However, I can say that this stereotype in america is very strong in a lot of asian men that I met. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t dated any asians. I would meet them and they would seem nice but they would make these comments to me…assuming that since I’m only half asian (therefore white in their minds) I would not be offended. My current boyfriend might admit that he’s attracted to asians but its safe to say that he’s never actively pursued them. Rather, he just prefers shorter, brunette women in general. The fact that I am asian was never a factor in whether he would date me or not. I don’t think I even mentioned it to him for awhile until he asked about my unusual features. Well, I hope this is making a bit of sense…its 6 am here and I’m sort of foggy. To sum up….the subserviant asian female stereotype is alive in asian men and white men…but I have faith that if we as an informed, intelligent new generation educate our children properly… in a few generations this will hopefully be a non issue.

Posted 12 Feb 2010 at 9:55 am ¶
Chicago wrote:

“Also, the image of submissive easily attainable Asian woman is perpetuated by the constant sight of Asian women with white men. ”

To comment 55, Roger Chan – someone has already stated your judgmental remarks, which incidentally blames your own race for prolonging White superior racism. Bravo! Asian men are now instantly more appealing to Asian women.

Allow me to re-post the Mod’s response:

Mod Note: @ Manny & GENQ10 While it makes a lot of sense to feel disheartened by a norm where it seems like people of colour are not valued and whiteness is always preferable, let’s try and talk about the cultural trend that keeps that in place, rather than blame individual couples.

I’ve definitely had my days where oodles and doodles of white/poc couples get me down in the dumps (and I’m mixed race too, Chinese & white), but the way that people choose partners is very complicated and based on personal history. So criticising individual couplings is murky; ultimately I figure I have no idea what’s going on between two people I don’t know, that I see on the street. Instead, looking at trends and cultural institutions like Classy Asian Ladies that promote a really racist agenda makes more sense.

Posted 12 Feb 2010 at 3:10 pm ¶
Jamie wrote:

I’m a woman, attracted to other women. And I think it’s interesting how ethnic features play into who I’m most attracted to. And that it’s interesting (albeit sometimes discomfiting) to examine one’s biases.

And I am very, very glad that my only childhood experiences with Asians were with fiesty ones.

Because while I think many Asian women are beautiful, I’m semi-proud to say it’s just because I’m bored with the cookie-cutter barbie (read: “white”) figures the media seems to think are “hot”. I’ll admit: I like many Asians’ features because they’re (from my perspective) exotic and pretty. (For the record, those aren’t the only not-cookie-cutter features I like. “Interesting” noses I’m fond of too – ones that aren’t the current white ideal. The cutest girl I ever did see was the one they used for the cover of the fourth Uglies series book, “Extras”: wide nose, almond-shaped eyes. I don’t give a damn if she’s not flawless by today’s standards, she’s lovely!)

But I am so, SO relieved I don’t have a strong “Asians are submissive” stereotype in my head. I read the article you linked to about “Yellow Fever”, ages ago, and that was the first time I thought to question the Asian stereotype that I’d been fed for years. It was the first time I realized I even had that assumption.

Wait, did I just contradict myself?

No. No I did not.

You see, even though I grew up knowing a gorgeous, confident, non-submissive, smart, funny Asian girl, and a loudmouthed, hyper Asian boy… I still absorbed the Asian Men and Women Are Submissive stereotype. It was sort of like how I noticed, rather uncomfortably at some point, that I had absorbed the Black Women Are Loud and Strong-Willed stereotype… despite having gone to school with some very non-stereotypical black women as well.

I think, ironically, that it is a sad thing that we have no language for talking about subtle biases and stereotypes without making tempers flare (this is NOT a criticism of this article, but simply a thought that occurred to me today after reading similarly race-themed material). The word “racism” is accurate to describe these biases, but nobody wants to admit they’re “racist” because of course, “racist” is a bad thing… as opposed to “unfortunate, but common biases that dehumanize people because people tend to dehumanize people”. Racism is bad, yes, but we ALL absorb racist stereotypes, often without even realizing it, and often without having a real solid basis for it. But because we’ve finally recognized that racism is bad, nobody wants to admit that they ever took racist ideas at face value. It’s catch-22: the more society gets good at recognizing that racism is bad and often subtly damaging, the less most people want to examine *themselves* to see where their racist biases lie. It’s a sad state of affairs, because I don’t think we want to go back to ignoring it entirely, but we need a way to talk honestly and maturely and (yes) not particularly judgementally about these biases and stereotypes we hold. And we don’t, in general, have that way.

In any case, I’m still glad to this day that I knew both of those non-stereotypical Asian kids back in my school days, and that I read the “Yellow fever” article. I’m glad I took the time to get Asians’ perspectives on this; I’m glad I was lucky enough to run across complaints about the stereotypes that I had never thought to question despite my own experiences giving me every reason to.

Because that bias was hiding in under there, and I’m glad I was able to find it and beat the snot out of it.

Especially since it makes Dichen Lachman that much more awesome in my eyes <3

(If you don't know who Dichen Lachman is, I feel sorry for you. Her role on the short-lived but surprisingly good "Dollhouse" series ended up being a wonderful, if not outright groundbreaking examination – hell, deconstruction – of the way Asian women are dehumanized in society and the media. And her character's non-"doll" personality – her original, real personality – is strong and tough and smart and Her Own Woman. She ended up being probably my favorite character on the show because of that. Too bad Fox insisted on promoting the show as The Eliza Dushku Hour though, because I would have killed to see her in the opening credits with some of her badass roles!!)

Posted 13 Feb 2010 at 12:19 am ¶
ling wrote:

My mother is white while my father is asian. Each of them falls into stereotypes of race and gender while defying as many. But they are frequently reduced to the ways in which they seem to go against the grain, as individuals and as a couple.

People always comment on how they “don’t get” my parents’ relationship, how they seem ill-matched, etc. I hate how this kind of external judgment forces ME to examine them, looking for things that are unconventional in their behaviour both separately and together.

My parents’ relationship defines me in a way that goes beyond me just being “mixed-race”. If people know I’m mixed asian-white, they seem to assume it’s my dad that is white and my mom who is asian. I’ve had people say “Oh, right. You’re like Paul Kariya. Your DAD’s the asian one.” Is that so strange? And is that what makes my parents’ relationship so unconventional (even inconceivable)?

Posted 21 Feb 2010 at 2:09 pm ¶
Rav wrote:

First – I applaud you for speaking out on this. Asiaphilia is sadly rampant in mainstream American media. The increasing infrequency of Asian-Asian couples in everything from advertising to prime-time tv is disturbing.

However, I’d like to point out that the idea of ‘white’ as a race is a stereotype as well. A “white” German, a “white” Englishman, and a “white” American may have a few things culturally in common, but I’d argue that they are far more different than they are alike. Even between Americans, those of Irish descent and Italian descent (for example) may both tend to be Catholic, but their values, norms, diet, attitude towards women, etc would probably be quite different.

Finally, the ‘Caucasian guys are only interested in me because I am Asian’ belief is a stereotype as well. Granted, you probably have this belief because you’ve been on the receiving end of subconscious racism many times, but assuming that every Caucasian man who dates (or would be interested in dating) an Asian woman is an Asiaphile is racist as well. I’m sure the argument could be made that this stereotype is – based on personal experience – true more often than not, but this is the same kind of justification you describe Caucasian men as perpetuating. They erroneously assume that because there is a media stereotype of the ‘Geisha girl’ that you will fit that stereotype. Because you have been stereotyped and been treated in a racially unjust way, you stereotype those who treated you that way. This just perpetuates the situation.

I get that this blog is a chance to let off some steam and take a stand against this sort of behavior – and I applaud it. Just remember that there are as many sides to an issue like this as there are people – and people are fallible. Some situations that start as unconscious racist stereotyping could be turned around into an opportunity to educate that person instead. I think it is inevitable that these old stereotypes will die out, just as older stereotypical beliefs have. People should look at each other as individuals, not think of each other as faceless colours or racial groups.

Posted 25 Feb 2010 at 1:21 pm ¶