When Allies Fail, Part I
By Guest Contributor Tami, originally published at What Tami Said
[In the following post about allies, I am confining my discussion to anti-racism and feminism because those are the movements with which I am most familiar. I hope, though, that these ideas have broader application.
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Allies are important to any equality movement. It does not help people of color if we are the only ones who understand racism and how it still exists in society. It does not help women if we are the only ones that believe we deserve equal treatment. This is especially true considering the ways that women and people of color have been kept from places of power. The battles are ours to fight, and we can win them, but we need allies.
What does it mean to be allied? The dictionary definition is to be joined in a group to advance common interests or causes. And what does this joining require? I think mutual respect, shared activism and adherence to mutual goals and objectives. Alliances are by nature two-sided affairs. Both sides bear the responsibility of maintaining the relationship. And this isn’t easy. I have witnessed too many battles between members of marginalized groups and their professed allies to think otherwise. The disagreements are often raw, emotional and ultimately unsatisfying. Sometimes, I think we expect too much of our allies. Sometimes the privileged are too confident in their roles as allies and too slow to examine their own biases. As enlightened about race or gender a person may be, we are all products of a racist and sexist society. To expect any person, no matter how good-intentioned, to never reveal a racial or gender bias is to invite disappointment. If members of marginalized groups want to work with allies, we have to know that they will fail us sometimes. Our allies have to know that they will fail.
And what do we do when this happens–when allies fail? How can we address mistakes, while preserving relationships and maintaining the power that comes through alliances with people outside of our group? How do I think an ally should respond when their bias or privilege is called out? How do I think marginalized groups should handle the mistakes allies make?
This is the first of two posts on maintaining alliances in the face of failure. Today, I will tackle the responsibilities of anti-racist and feminist allies. What should an ally do when he or she has made an unwitting show of prejudice or privilege?
Listen. Good relationship habits 101–listen to the person(s) that you have harmed. It may be helpful to repeat what you understand the grievance to be in order to demonstrate that you are making an effort to understand. Before you speak, think about what is being said. Try to put aside your ego (hard as that is) and examine the “offense.” Can you see your privilege peeking through? Have you uncovered a hidden bias? Even if your actions were unintentional, can you see how they could be misconstrued?
Don’t defend. Everyone wants to believe they have their prejudices in check. And when you are generally diligent about examining your biases and privilege, and you have good intentions, hearing that you have failed can feel like a slap. It is easy to become defensive, rattling explanations and defenses rather than truly listening to the person who is offended. And you may feel angry: “After all the ways I’ve proven myself, how could anyone think I am (racist, sexist, etc.).” Resist the urge to defend yourself at first. This doesn’t mean you need be endlessly berated or that the person who you have offended is right. It simply means that you can’t listen and hear where another person is coming from if you are talking.
Allow us our anger. It isn’t easy being a member of a marginalized group. For instance, I have written before about the dull aches of racism. I have also written about how members of marginalized groups are expected to hold their tongues in the face of mistreatment–to be the “bigger persons.” What may seem like a very small deal to you, to us may be yet another wearying and soul-destroying slight. Any human being has a right to be angry about injustice. Again, this does not mean that we have the right to dehumanize or insult you. It is not an ally’s job to be endlessly flogged and called to account for the sins of all society. But marginalized people do have a right to be pissed off and to show it.
Apologize. If you understand and agree that you have committed an offense, apologize. No “I’m sorry, but…” No need to explain the whys and wherefores or attempt to minimize. Just say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong and I should have known better.” Period. Own your mistake. Now, I am not suggesting that you apologize for something you didn’t do or don’t think you’ve done. If, after truly listening, you believe you have been misunderstood…well, that situation is more difficult. That I am a black woman does not automatically mean that I am always right in identifying a white person’s race bias or a man’s gender bias. There is a way to acknowledge what another person is feeling, even if you ultimately don’t apologize. But know that if you’re a guy on a womanist Web site, for example, and multiple women tell you that you are being a sexist asshole, you probably need to check yourself.
(If Possible) Correct. If what you have done can be undone, do it immediately.
Educate yourself. The best way to come to understand how, say, ”racism” works, to identify your own biases and to learn the language of the movement, is to get smart about racial prejudice and privilege, as well as other cultures. Don’t rely on people of color to do your work for you. As allies, we will naturally share some information with you, teach a little. But teaching is not our responsibility. Read the books by important thinkers on race. Note new study results. Pay attention to pop culture, media and art beyond the mainstream. Seek a diverse group of friends. Lurk on popular anti-racist blogs. Get involved offline. And again, listen…listen…listen. This is the best way to avoid missteps and to recover when you fail. Your education is your responsibility.
[Editor's note: There is nothing that annoys me more...and you can find this often on feminist blogs when the issue of race comes up...than when someone begins a comment by saying, "We'll, I'm just a clueless white woman, but..." To this, I say..."No." First, the constituencies of most of the popular feminist blogs prove themselves to be far from clueless on other topics. They talk of being PhDs and scientists and teachers and journalists. These are smart women. What this statement really means is, "I have the privilege of not having to educate myself on this issue, so I'm going to make a cutesy disclaimer before I speak in case I say something wildly offensive." That's a cop out. It's an attempt to get around owning your mistakes. And it demeans me and you. If you think you really are "clueless," do something about it.]
Reaffirm your commitment. Proof that you are a true ally to a cause–whatever the cause is–is that you slog through and keep going, even through rough patches and arguments. Your continued presence post-mistake, whether on a feminist blog or in a local grassroots anti-racist organization, is a demonstration of your commitment.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of
Jen wrote:
I find I feel like a bit a of a dick when I think of myself as an “ally”. It feels like I’m just attempting to crash a party I haven’t been invited to. I worry that I’m broadcasting a “hey guys! I’m totally up on your oppression, too!” vibe, particularly when it’s on a topic in which racism and sexism crossover.
Fiqah’s post a few weeks back about being harrassed by a police officer made me think about this. There were things she talked about (the assumption by men that women’s bodies are something that can be commented on and possessed by whoever) that resonated with me as a woman, but her story was also very obviously coming from a racism viewpoint that included wider issues surrounding people’s perceptions of black women’s bodies that patently have nothing to do with me.
I suppose what I’m vaguely saying is that I’m never sure when my viewpoint is worth adding. In the case of Fiqah’s piece, I wanted to talk about general issues with male appropriation of women’s space, but I felt like that would be derailing, so I didn’t say anything. When, as an ally, is your viewpoint wanted or needed?
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 8:32 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
I agree with everything in this article! Very good advice.
But I hate the word “ally”. It’s a word I have never called myself, and probably never will. It’s hard to explain but I’ll try.
Using the word “ally” always creates a military analogy. The same thing with the word “retreat”, which I also hate. “I’m going on a weekend retreat.” “The enemy is advancing! RETREAT! RETREAT RETREAT!”
Is the military analogy justified? I don’t know… civil rights is often referred to as a struggle or a battle or a fight. It fits, in that sense. But military metaphors also encourage us to think about civil rights as an “us vs. them” clearcut issue when it’s so much more complicated than that.
I also get disgusted when I see blogwars with lots of “ally” chest-beating, flagellation and/or self-flagellation. It seems so unproductive. It’s like a ritualized psychodrama that satisfies certain emotional urges of the participants but has very dubious real-world implications.
I think “ally” shouldn’t be viewed as an identity, it should be something you do, an action that you perform. People seem to seize on it as an identity, and I don’t think it’s a valid identity. You can have warm fluffy feelings for some group that you don’t belong to, and think that you’re an “ally” because of those feelings, but that doesn’t really mean anything at all, without action.
I think everything in this article could have been written without the word “ally”… by substituting the word “decent human being” for “ally”.
That’s just my somewhat cranky perspective. I don’t get mad when other people use the word “ally” and I’m not trying to police language, it’s just a piece of vocabulary I choose not to apply to myself.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 10:44 am ¶
Latoya Peterson wrote:
@jen/atlasien –
This week is kind of unofficial allies week here – there were a lot of pieces (three penned by Tami, one by Dumi) that I thought were interesting to discuss.
But I agree with both of you that it is not a term I am comfortable with. This week is full, but I’ll try to write something about that as well.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 11:26 am ¶
Mark wrote:
How should an ally respond when they feel unjustly accused?
I’ve heard everything from accusations of unseen internalized discrimination to statements that only a member of the minority can determine what constitute discrimination. It seems unlikely that no accusations of discrimination are incorrect.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 12:16 pm ¶
[dave] wrote:
I have a hard time with the word “ally” too, although my best substitutes are all things thing “committed to anti-oppression work” or the like so not particularly nimble phrases.
An aside:
This is timely, since I’ve just spent ages going through a chunk of the blogs that got involved with RaceFail ‘09, which for folks who don’t get into science fiction, was this awful conversation about allies and privilege and appropriation that got really out of hand.
Notable writers who got ugly include Elizabeth Bear, Emma Bull, Will Shetterly and (sadly) Sarah Monette among others.
there’s a pretty great chronological list of that debacle here: http://rydra-wong.livejournal.com/146697.html
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 12:44 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Mark:
I think it makes things a lot easier to ask “how should anyone respond when they feel unjustly accused?”
1. You feel unjustly accused. Are you REALLY unjustly accused? Or do you just FEEL that way? Take some time to distinguish feelings from logic.
2. If you determine the accusation is logically unjust, and it’s not just an emotional reaction on your part, is it worth responding to the unjust accusation and trying to refute it? E.g. if someone on the street randomly accuses me of making the baby Jesus cry, I’m not going to bother refute it, because I don’t think that discussion would be particularly useful.
3. If you think you’re logically correct, and it’s worthwhile to try and refute it, then try and refute it. You might succeed at convincing the other person, or you might fail.
I don’t see what’s so difficult about that process.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 12:49 pm ¶
Adrienne wrote:
Atlasien, I’m with you on “decent human being”.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 12:52 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Mark: And another thing. I’m not saying you’re doing this yourself. But I’ve noticed a lot of white people ask varying forms of your question “what should I do if I am unjustly accused” as if white people are uniquely vulnerable to unjust accusations.
Ever since I started writing about race I get unjustly accused ALL THE TIME. I’ve been accused of hating white people. I’ve been accused of hating Asians. I get accused of being oversensitive and hypocritical and ignorant. I get called a racist.
I get over it.
Unjust accusations are just a fact of life whenever you debate any topic that tends to raise a lot of emotion. Race shouldn’t be a special exception; white people shouldn’t be a special exception.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 1:15 pm ¶
Susan wrote:
Thank you for this post. It was very thoughtfully written and fleshed out. I thank you for taking the time to speak in a honest way about a topic that makes a whole lot of people uncomfortable and angry. These kinds of discussions are very important.
I will take more time to listen in my own life instead of only taking the bits and pieces that might apply to me.
Thank you!
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 1:19 pm ¶
m. wrote:
atlasien said it all!
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 1:27 pm ¶
racedwhitedyke wrote:
@jen
I think that saying that racist actions against bodies of color “have nothing to do with [you]” is also something that should be a part of conversations as “allies”. just because you cannot claim to have experienced what is would be like to be a woman of color in that situation does not mean it has nothing to do with you, or with any white person. i think a part of this discussion of allying yourself with a cause is to say, up front, this does have something to do with me. This is a system thatIi participate in, especially when talking about the justice system or the police, because more often than not we pay their salaries and rely on them for “safety”. Though understanding Fiqah’s post as a woman allows you to identify with her struggles, she didn’t tell that story solely for the purpose of allowing other to identify with her struggles, at least I assume not.
Like Tami said, part of the struggle is educating yourself. So, as “allies”, we cannot always add to the discourse our own stories of oppression or a complete understanding through shared experience- that’s a part of understanding priviledge. Trying to learn as much as we can about the power play between women of color and cops is maybe all we can do, and understanding that difference, figuring out how to transverse the tricky terrain of support and empathy and the politics of voice, is work we need to take on.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 3:18 pm ¶
distance88 wrote:
I’m also not a fan of the word ‘ally’. It’s kind of become like a badge of honor or something–the end becomes more about gaining the title of ‘ally’ and less about combating racism, sexism, etc. Based on my experiences with ‘badges’, I’ve found that I don’t really enjoy wearing them.
Also, the point about ‘allies’ not being so defensive is really important. If/when I step in some racial doo-doo, I honestly want to be corrected/made aware of it–I certainly don’t want to track that shit all over the place.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 3:42 pm ¶
Mary wrote:
Oh wow, yeah. I can understand a person’s desire to place themselves in perspective (and I would also suggest that while educating oneself is necessary, it’s also good when people are self-aware enough to know it’s not a substitute for lived experience). BUT. If you really are that clueless, it’s time to stop and ask yourself what exactly you are contributing to the discussion. Is your comment necessary or are you talking just to hear the sound of your own voice? Maybe your best contribution to the topic can be to listen and learn.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 3:50 pm ¶
jvansteppes wrote:
@Mark, another question to ask oneself is “Do I always feel that this kind of ‘accusation’ is unjust?”
or “Do I refuse to allow the chance that an accusation might actually ring true?”
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 4:34 pm ¶
Mel wrote:
I think it’s also important for “allies” (and hell, just people in general) to recognize that if you really truly are NOT a racist (sexist, etc) person, and you can do something to correct that impression you made with whatever you said or did, you should just do it instead of trying to argue the point. That’s what a true “ally” would do, whether or not you agree with the term. It’s really easy to get in the habit of arguing that you’re in the right without being willing to change your behavior to prove it. I think it comes from being used to having the benefit of the doubt because of privilege, and we’re used to simply getting that benefit, rather than having to earn it.
Example: I worked at Hollywood Video for a while, and when I gave a customer her movies and change, she stopped me and said, “Why did you just drop that change into my hand, instead of placing it there? Are you trying to avoid touching my hand? Because that’s what it seems like.” She was blunt about it, but not rude, and even though that was in no way what I was trying to do, I could see how it could seem that way. So I just said, “Oh, no ma’am, it’s just a habit I’ve gotten into, I wasn’t trying to avoid touching you.” She explained that many black people get used to that avoided touch from cashiers and that like and it was hurtful, so instead of continuing to protest my innocence, I simply took the change back out of her hand and placed it back in the way she had mentioned, saying I was sorry that it seemed that way. She thanked me and left.
It can be hard to Apologize and Correct if we think we didn’t do anything wrong (and this goes for allies of all stripes). But I know many not-a-racists (some of whom were my coworkers who overheard and came over to complain about her to me afterward, even though I was the one who dealt with her and I insisted it wasn’t a big deal) who would have insisted they weren’t being racist and they didn’t deliberately want to avoid touching a black customer’s hand, but nevertheless would refuse to do something so simple to prove what they were saying was true: give her the change again while touching her hand. Refusing to do that, or something like it, actually proves the customer’s point. A true ally wouldn’t sit around insisting they were really not-a-racist while refusing to make a show of good faith.
And it’s perfectly reasonable to draw conclusions about those who refuse to make such small, encouraging concessions.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 7:19 pm ¶
Moni wrote:
I am an ally to certain communities and I often find that I have to take that step back, not make it about me and my feelings, and really try to understand the perspectives of those in the communities that I care about but am not (completely) a part of. I have also found the language around being an ally useful when considering my place and purpose in those communities and their causes.
As a member of other often marginalized communities, I also think about how I can help allies and work with them. In both cases I think creating a safe space where people feel comfortable talking and where people are respectful and respected is key.
Posted 07 Dec 2009 at 9:41 pm ¶
Charles J wrote:
Thank you for this post.
As a heterosexual, male, Christian, able-bodied, US Citizen though I consider myself an ally I slip and fall right back into the oppressive mindset I am fighting against. I often find myself questioning the marginalized person about their life and needing them to school about my oppression SMH.
Posted 08 Dec 2009 at 2:08 am ¶
Super Amanda wrote:
Great piece, thanks so much.
Posted 08 Dec 2009 at 3:30 am ¶
PatrickInBeijing wrote:
@Atlasien total props.
Personally, I never think of myself as an ally. I fight for justice because I believe that living in a just world would benefit me. I am not fighting against racism and sexism for the benefit of others, but for my own benefit. I WANT to live in that kind of world!!
Posted 08 Dec 2009 at 8:35 am ¶
kenda wrote:
Jen (comment #1) sums up my feelings pretty well. Every time I even think of calling myself an ally, I feel like a douche (like one of those straight women who go around proclaiming that they “love the gays”). Plus, I’m not even sure I’m doing enough to be considered an “ally”. Rather than label myself as something I might not be living up to, I just prefer to call myself someone who’s working on overcoming my many -isms.
Posted 08 Dec 2009 at 7:14 pm ¶
Joe wrote:
Great post.
I’d love to read a compilation of case studies of actual occurrences of the situations you describe. A description of the situation, the action performed or words said by the member of the privileged group, why the member of the marginalized group was offended or hurt, why the member of the privileged group didn’t think the action or words were offensive or hurtful, how both parties dealt with the conflict, and what the outcome was.
I think a compendium of these kinds of stories and analyses would be a great method of increasing understanding and preventing similar situations from occurring in the future, both of the original actions that caused the offense or hurt, and of how to deal with the situation once the offense or hurt has been caused.
Posted 09 Dec 2009 at 2:44 am ¶
Sarah wrote:
@Joe, D. W. Sue’s work on racial microaggressions would be a good place for you to start reading. Thanks for asking!
Posted 12 Dec 2009 at 9:28 pm ¶