Comments

1. Erica wrote:

   What can we do as women to address this? I can’t count the number of times the NYPD have made me feel unsafe or degraded in some way, from slowing down their car to keep up to my pace on the street, to checking me out and making me feel violated, to not taking complaints of sexual harassment seriously when I do take the chance to approach them, sexual violence against women is clearly not high on their priority list. It makes me sick.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:28 am ¶

2. Erica wrote:

   Sorry-let me rephrase…what can we do as a society to address this? Sexual violence is not a women’s issue only.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:29 am ¶

3. gatamala wrote:

   I feel you. All he has to do is ask to see your driver’s license…

   I got pulled over a year ago. I drove slowly to a well-lit bank. The cop snapped at me, “why didn’t you stop as soon as I got behind you.” I told him it was because of traffic.

   The reality is, I don’t want to be raped or abused by a cop. I can attempt to minimize the odds of this occurring by not going in dark areas.

   *a female friend of mine had a car accident that resulted in a temporary head injury. In her state of confusion, she was harassed by the cops and turned out sans license/keys a la Mitrice Richardson. She was charged with fleeing the scene of an accident and “restrained” by another driver. She has been put on admin leave and is in danger of losing her top level clearance.

   But of course, police harrassment of black WOMEN is not a civil rights issue…so don’t expect any concern from the “community”

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:29 am ¶

4. Lisa J wrote:

   I’m so sorry you had to go through this. More and more, though I know the police serve a vital purpose and do on some level protect us, I am less and less trustful of them, I feel stressed out whenever I see them and even though I am a law abiding citizen I am really paranoid about being arrested or pulled over. So I am in an almost constant state of stress b/c I live near the capitol in DC where there are DC cops, Capitol Hill Cops, Park Police, Housing Authority cops among others. They are a necessary evil but damn they can be so scary and horrible. Add to that the fact that there is a prison-industrial complex that wants cops to arrest as many people of color as possible to make money for rich mostly white fat cats. SMH

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:44 am ¶

5. coco wrote:

   my heart goes out to you, as does my rage and frustration. only a month ago, was i walking home from my market , two blocks away from my house in bed-stuy when i heard a car come up behind me and then the yelling began. what stunned me was when i turned around to see a young cop, probably no older than 28 , hanging halfway out of the same car he was driving, hollering at me and my fine ass.he wants to tap it. what are you doing in this neighborhood girly. big ole scary guy might come get you.
   i stood there stunned, all the discussions, all the plans for the “what if ” situations , out the window, i didn’t react. he yelled at me one more time, maybe i should hop in his car next time and then screeched off down the wrong way of a one way street – mind you, a one way street by a playground , where if you patrol the kingston throop area, you know damn well there are always kids out there.
   i honestly stood there , no reaction other than shock.no tears, no hatred, just shock. it wasn’t from a shattered idea of the police, what i expect from people, or even obvious pointing out of you do not belong here, your type is unfamiliar , which living here for a while now, always continues to make me uncomfortable. or the undertone of some big ole scary man , the racial implications, the all around casualness of the racial reference. that was it- it was so casual. it was no big deal to him. he has most likely forgotten it. and yet, it is why i refuse to walk down a certain street anymore.
   i constantly read this blog ( and love it ) and yet this is the first time ive commented not because i never feel like i can’t give input to what people are talking about , but because i am somewhat hesitant to put myself out there ( its a comfort zone thing ) .
   But I do know the aching creep of feeling like you have been violated and you can do nothing, you just stand there, mouth gaping wide open without the ability to do anything. and the absolute rage that takes over your body and the embarrassment of having your 68 year old neighbor comfort you and tell you about the time he was beat up by two cops, who were also seemingly no more than 28, in front of his 7 year old nephew. there is a small bridge of hey, i’ve been there and a divide of , what you don’t think this hasn’t happened to all these other people living here ? do you know what else happens to the that might not happen to you ?
   i do not really have any words of wisdom that i can give to you, i think i am still searching for a lot of it myself. but i am sorry .

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:56 am ¶

6. cocolamala wrote:

   *aw, fiqah*

   i am so sorry this happened to you

   there is a definite imbalance of power at work that means he is imposing his presence and attention on you with more authority or potential for threat than if he were a civilian stranger. [this resembles a more extreme version of the story published here about a woman who was harassed by the train station operator.] that officer has no real right to use his work time to flirt. especially as a someone vested with policing authority over the general public.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 12:56 pm ¶

7. AS wrote:

   If I were you, I would contact the ACLU, NOW, the press, and anyone else who will listen because sexual violence by the NYPD against women has been rampant. In January alone, one officer was indicted for having used his precinct as a hunting ground and then his uniform to rape women over a period of 5 years. Two other officers were called to the scene of a drunk woman. Rather than call EMS to transport an intoxicated passenger to the nearest hospital, they drove her home and one stood guard to keep anyone from his partner raping the woman in her apartment. They went to her apartment two other times that night by which time she had sobered up and went to the hospital. The cops let a man take a drunk and nearly passed out woman was doing her best to resist him, away from Marquee. He said something like, “oh you know how these white girls love us Latin men.” The cops nodded in misogyny and let him take her away and rape her. This also happened a few months ago.

   Your encounter is nothing to be brushed off. That cop can run your plates and get your address. He could very well know your schedule. And why was he not with a partner? NYPD does not ride alone. Was he, like the other officers, using his uniform as a ruse to get closer to you. As of now, you have no civil remedy and the stalking laws in New York are weak. You can apply for a restraining order, which would get him reassigned from his beat (though he would get your address because he has a right to know where he is not supposed to be), and it might expose a pattern of behavior on his part. His behavior is escalating and I cannot advise you strongly enough to visit this website: http://www.nyc.gov/html/ccrb/html/contact.html

   It provides the numbers, address, or web addresses to file a complaint before the civilian review board. He may not be found to be in the wrong, but the idea of having being brought before the board again for harassing you might get him to back off. Good luck and make your move fast. By fast, I mean right now by calling 311.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 1:29 pm ¶

8. Phrone wrote:

   Oh my god. I remember one time on my way to driver’s ed, I thought a guy was asking for directions. It turns out he was hitting on me. When I started to basically run away, he pulled out his badge and said “Don’t worry, I’m one of the good guys.”

   I freaked the hell out. I was absolutely terrified for all the reasons you described.

   Nothing happened, thank god, but I was afraid for the entire week. I didn’t want to go outside, I didn’t want to go back to driver’s ed…ugh. And the worst part? I never told a soul. I assumed it was my fault — I should have known he didn’t want directions, I should have been more careful, etc. This is the first time I’m actually acknowledging what happened to me. It’s a terrible thing to live with, and it just drove home to me that as a woman I am not safe.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 3:16 pm ¶

9. Big Man wrote:

   These stories are disturbing.
   Disturbing because they affected so many of you, and disturbing because my first reaction as a man was to kind of downplay what happened.
   You know, I intially wondered if it was a big deal that a cop tried to holla. After all, he’s still a man. Yet, when I really thought about it, I could see why it felt so degrading and why you were so scared. Just like I worry about cops shooting me because I’m a black man, I can see how women would worry about other things because they are women in a position of vulenerability.

   Also, I think I’v always known deep down inside that brazenly checking out a woman’s body is rude, but as a man, I’ve always figured it was no big deal.
   Yet, reading what you women have written and seeing how these things make you feel on a regular basis has really made me reconsider my stance in recent months.
   I just wanted to let y’all know.

   Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 4:32 pm ¶

10. n wrote:

    I have had a few run ins with cops, usually white ones, who seemed to have a bad attitude toward WOC. I’ve been in situations where I was in need of help but instead was treated like a criminal. No need to get into details, but I wasnt impressed by their behavior.

    Although I now have many cop friends, I react fearfully every single time I see a police car when Im driving, or even when they come to my job on business. And I would totally freak if I had to go into a jail or cop car because I have zero trust and who wants to be totally powerless like that?

    It is horrible that any of us should have to feel this way.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:01 pm ¶

11. Lyonside wrote:

    “Disturbing because they affected so many of you, and disturbing because my first reaction as a man was to kind of downplay what happened.”

    Big Man, this is the rape culture we all live in, and how it affects how we think and respond to things. The good thing is that you’re open to understanding where your thought process is coming from. And willing to rethink it.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:09 pm ¶

12. AS wrote:

    Big Man, I am glad that you have reconsidered your position. Women are sexually harassed and assaulted by the NYPD on the regular. They’ll do it to a rich white woman, so you can imagine what they would do to a poor prostitute, a person society has already thrown away and won’t miss.

    Now, I say this with love, but you do not seem entirely convinced by your new stance on ogling women. How would you feel if everyday, you knew that you would be stared at, cat called, cursed if you did not do what they want, and harassed by the cops everyday? The cops can threaten you with violence if you do not cooperate or respond to what they want to hear the way they want to hear it because they have a gun (power) and you don’t. Wouldn’t that make you crazy if you had to deal with different sets of cops doing this when you are on your way to work, when you are tired getting home from work, when you want to go to the store? Disrespected, fearful, objectified, humiliated by someone for no reason than you elected not to talk to someone who could be a murderer? Would that not drive you crazy?

    That is what it often feels like to be a black woman. I am a black professional so I am generally pretty dressed up. If some dude I don’t know starts shouting out “yo shorty, let me get your number,” and I keep walking because I have to get to work, I get called out my name, some say “oh, you too good to talk to a brotha?” or whatever. When a man does it alone it is frightening and when they are in a group, it makes you look for the dreaded NYPD. It is not cool to treat women as if they are just walking humanoids on parade for you to select the one you like. And staring at a woman’s breasts and ass? You’ve already said you know it is not cool, but it is degrading and sexually humiliating. Think about how you would feel if some fool was pulling that ish on your mom, you aunt, your sister, and your cousin. I bet there would be a fight.

    Since you have learned something here, I gotta ask you to give back: what the hell is it with men telling a woman to “smile, beautiful!” That is so bizarre. If I saw someone with an ice grill, mean mugging, or looking sad, unless they were in physical distress, I feel like that’s not my place. Why do some men do it? Break it down.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:18 pm ¶

13. Kendra wrote:

    First, let me say that I thank you so much for this, Fiqah. Seriously. You reminded me of an incident, much milder in comparison, where I was in a shopping mall by myself. I was just standing in the food court, and this guy decided to sit in a chair by the table I was leaning over. I ignored him blatantly; I don’t know if he knew I was ignoring him. But I just didn’t want any of that–I was only there to shop for clothes.

    Anyway, he tries talking to me, trying to flirt, get my number, something like that. I talk just to end the conversation, just to seem friendly. Suddenly he asks me if I’m married. It surprised me just a little bit, because it seems that the only way I’m deemed off limits is if I’m already involved with someone. But seriously, married? I mean, I can’t just fly solo and get out unscathed. Anyway, I just lie and say I’m married. He asks me where my ring is; talk about policing . . .

    I say that I didn’t wear it because I didn’t want to get it dirty. He asked again, apparently in disbelief. I stuck with the lie. He either realized that I really wanted to be left alone or just believed my excuse. I don’t care. I was just happy when he finally decided to leave me alone.

    It’s funny how women are just expected to accommodate these things. It’s ok to impose shit on us.

    But I can’t imagine being harassed by a cop. It may happen to me one day. I already know what to do when I get pulled over: only lower the window such that you can give him/her your information. After that, stay in the car. Period. Someone before mentioned finding a well-lit place to stop. That’s a really good idea. I also think that I should find a place where there are civilians walking about. I want to know that if I need help, someone can hear me, at least witness what is going on.

    Cops are not some fucking angels of society. I swear, they think they can get away with anything just because of a fucking gun and a fucking badge. We’re in a nation policed by men where almost all men are police.

    And not to ignore sexual abuse/assault suffered by men, transmen, women and transwomen, but seriously, with a badge and a gun involved a person can definitely be pushed into dire straits.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:24 pm ¶

14. Scarlet wrote:

    Coco-

    The cops that hang out by Kingston-Throop are the worst, hanging around being all kinds of useless and unnecessarily speaking to me all the time. I can’t believe that one actually leaned out his car to holler at you and then sped away like that- you’re right there’s always kids there! Jesus.

    It’s bad enough to have to worry about the average asshole on the street yelling at you but cops add a whole nother level of terror.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:37 pm ¶

15. atlasien wrote:

    What a terrifying story. I’m so sorry it happened to you.

    Something similar happened to me, although it wasn’t quite as extreme. I was pulled over for an expired tag in Florida by the side of the highway and the patroller started flirting with me. He told me “you should be a model”. Perhaps I could have gotten out of the ticket if I’d played along, but I was too freaked out and scared. I just kept staring at my feet and didn’t say anything. He gave up, gave me the ticket and went on.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:53 pm ¶

16. Jamerican Muslimah wrote:

    @ Big Man, thank you for recognizing and validating women’s experiences. I really appreciate your honesty.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 5:53 pm ¶

17. Big Man wrote:

    AS

    I’d be lying if I said I was committed to not oogling women at all. I’ve already cut back greatly given the fact that I’m married, and I’m trying to get better at being a Christian. I feel like objectifying women isn’t very Christ-like.

    However, I do fail to up hold the values I know are right on occasion. What you sensed was the personal discussions I still have within myself about what I think is right and what I think is wrong.

    As far as “smile beautiful,” I think most men believe that telling a woman that her scowl is making her unattractive is a good deed. I’ve never done this to strangers because I recognized that it’s kind of presumptious. It’s like a woma rolling up to a man and telling to “suck it in” handsome.
    But, most men figure they are giving a woman a compliment by telling her how pretty she looks and encouraging her to smile to enhance her look.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 6:59 pm ¶

18. entropicankh wrote:

    Thank you for posting this. I was harassed on the street by an officer in September outside Philly. I went through the superintendent of the dept, who was respectful, but then had two sergeants laugh at me. I finally made a written statement at the station but was repeatedly told I just misunderstood the officer. I blogged about my experience, and got emails bordering on victim blaming.
    so thank you thank you thank you. we aren’t alone and the more we write, the more women will know they aren’t alone either.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 8:02 pm ¶

19. Lane wrote:

    You were harassed, you were treated horribly, but you why use the term “spatial rape” and throw that wrench at at women who have been raped.

    It’s a powerful word, but survivors have a hard enough time being taken seriously without the hyperbole.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 10:41 pm ¶

20. Emily wrote:

    Fiqah,

    My heart goes out to you for what you experienced, and for being brave enough to share this. Thank you!

    To contribute to the story-sharing of police officer abuse of power, I thought I’d say the following..

    My friend and I were on a road trip (in TX) when we got pulled over. For going 74 in a 70. The cop was on my side of the car (passenger), flirted with us while lecturing us about “public safety.” I was wearing a hair tie around my wrist…he started snapping it. Then ran his fingers up my arm and felt me up. I jolted away and I still remember the look on his face.

    I was 17, and scared, and on a highway I didnt know, and didnt know what I was supposed to do.

    It was 7 years ago and I still havent forgotten how that man with his badge made me feel.

    You’re a brilliant writer, and your narratives are so, so important. Thank you Fiqah.

    Posted 18 Nov 2009 at 11:34 pm ¶

21. Flo wrote:

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story (and to all of you in the comments who have aswell) sharing these experiences may not change the system that causes them to happen, but it can make us feel less alone, and provide support systems for women experiencing police harassment.
    @Lisa J I would argue that the more stories like these I hear the less I am inclined to believe that police “serve a vital purpose” or protect us as you say at all. By far the majority of stories I have ever heard about cops give me the impression that people need to be protected From the police not by them.

    In our society police are given the power to do almost anything and get away with it, I am a generally law abiding white woman, and yet every time I pass a cop my heart speeds up with fear. I know that as a white person I am slightly less likely to recieve police harassment, yet I have enough friends that have been harassed (verbally and physically) by the police, that the presence of cops makes me feel unsafe.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 1:07 am ¶

22. ashlynn wrote:

    I have total chills reading this post. The worst kind of harassment is the kind that is perpetrated by people in power: cops, parents, teachers, bosses/employers. Fiqah, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that…for women, harassment is like walking through a smoke-filled tunnel- never knowing if you’ll find the light and never knowing when you’ll be able to breathe…

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 1:37 am ¶

23. SickofIt wrote:

    Seriously…I feel you on this. Its especially disgusting that a cop is using his power n badge to further intimidate you, but i think its just another indication that we live in a culture where boys are raised to think bout women like we are pieces of meat. I actually heard this justification used by a male friend, who is a pretty concious brother but still came out with the bullshit line “if you wave a steak in front of a lion you are gonna get your arm bit”

    Thats the kinda thinking that makes these guys think its ok to degrade us, humiliate us, objectify us on a daily basis. I was on the bus in SF, and this CREEP got on who stood RIGHT in front of me, completely violating my personal space and staring at my cleavage like I was a hamburger. When I gave him the evil eye, he just moved to the other side of the aisle, and did the EXACT same thing to another woman, who looked SO uncomfortable, and then proceeded to stare at her, turn to gawk at my cleavage and stare at another girls ass in rotation.

    This idiot wasn’t even trying to hide what had become visual assault at that point…and all the other women looked super super uncomfortable. I just got more and more pissed, and hit his arm and threatened to punch him if he looked at my boobs once more, super loud. The whole bus looked at him, he got embarrased and got off at the next stop.

    When I told my sister what I did, she said “oh, in situations like that you should just sit there because its dangerous to say something to a man like that, and maybe wear a turtleneck next time”

    Im just thinking…what recourse do women have? Are we honestly supposed to just ACCEPT that kind of harrasment, abuse and degradation? How can we try to defend ourselves against the daily wolf whistles and disgusting comments that get hurled at us when we are just going about our daily lives?

    And for the record…for all you men out there….no, we don’t take it as a compliment and would rather you kept your damn mouth shut.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 3:02 am ¶

24. m. wrote:

    Fiqah:
    First of all, my heart goes out to you. This is so upsetting, and not in an I-am-irresponsible-and-cannot-control-my-own-triggers sort of way (I chose to read it)…but because I know EXACTLY how you felt. It’s sickening and traumatic, your mind and heart race and you feel like you’re losing it. The feeling of a man wielding his power over you is terrifying. Throw in a weapon and a badge…and I can only imagine.
    Second of all, you have a lot of guts to re-tell this. Personally, I found the most difficult thing was to open up. It’s embarrassing and painful to talk about. Thank you. Aside from me, I see that you’ve made other readers feel not-so-alone in their frustrations/experiences.

    @AS:
    Just gotta say: “WTF, indeed” about that ’smile’ shit!

    @Big Man:
    It gives me hope to read that someone is reconsidering their actions/thoughts/position! Reading this, I thought I’d let you know that what may seem like a ‘good deed’ to you and other men is not so well-received by most women. The last man who told me to smile? He followed me home after my commute from work, sexually and racially harassing me all the way. You, as well as other men who tell us to smile, may not always have ill-intentions, but it’s best not to. No good deeds, favors or compliments: we don’t need and, most of the time, do not want them. Plus, some of us aren’t the ’smile-on-command’ types.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 3:07 am ¶

25. m. wrote:

    Another thing? MEN, STOP WALKING BEHIND WOMEN. Apparently, not everyone’s mother teaches them this or explains why it is wrong! (Hint: it is rude, inconsiderate, threatening and makes us feel anything from uncomfortable to frightened.) If you read this, please tell your friends/brothers/fathers. Try to find a way to pass us up, slow down (wayyy down) or walk on the other side of the street. Thank you.
    Also, do not slow down to a creep to ask if we need a ride. Just stop trying to holler at us from your fucking cars, and learn some social graces.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 3:10 am ¶

26. eve wrote:

    The police aren’t a necessary evil, they’re a completely unnecessary evil. And I say this having several family members who are (white) cops. Their motto may be to serve and protect, but their job is to find and arrest citizens. And it’s logically incoherent to think that police can keep the peace or promote safety when they can only act after a “crime” has occurred. There’s no prevention there. This post just underscores everything that’s wrong with our racist, patriarchal justice system.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 4:02 am ¶

27. Emilee wrote:

    Big Man – telling women to smile is the opposite of a good deed. It is patronizing and presumptuous. It is frightening – what do you really want? what happens if I ignore you? what happens if I respond? What is the best way to get out of this situation unscathed? Because we don’t know the intention of every man who talks to us on the street, and you know what? I have to assume it is a rape waiting to happen.Welcome to rape culture.

    At the core, telling women to smile is telling women that what they are thinking and feeling does not matter. What matters is what you want. You (a man) want to see a pretty woman smile. This momentary whim is more important than what I (a woman) am thinking and feeling.

    Recently i was told to smile by a stranger on the street, but i was kind of not in the mood because my cousin/best friend (age 20) had died earlier that day. Then I was followed three blocks, constantly being harassed for not not smiling and for ignoring him. So I stopped ignoring him and asked to be left alone, he grabbed my ass and I ran. Not only did no one on a busy Philly street do anything to help me, but I reported it to a beat cop, who didn’t think it was a big deal (so yeah, it all ties back to the article).

    I’m glad you are rethinking your stance on some things, but I think you have a ways to go yet. I suggest you check out http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/ which is a decent tongue in cheek article on the matter. Unfortunately this article ignores the issue of race, but the comments pick up on it.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 7:32 am ¶

28. Jess wrote:

    eve — I’d say it’s logically incoherent to suggest that someone can act before a crime is committed, at least in the sense that the whole system is based on the fact that I cannot detain you ahead of time. That’s a good thing.

    I mean, what would you replace it with? People just deciding that someone is dangerous and doing a little vigilante justice?

    Now, that doesn’t alter the fact that there are a lot of things we can do to make sure that the police enforcement function, which is what they do (or are supposed to do) is less obtrusive, intrusive, and even necessary.

    I for one would alter the way policemen are hired and simply put, pay them better if we are going to ask them to live in the neighborhoods they police (Detroit, I believe, asks that any cop live in the city, to prevent the “occupier” mentality that infected LA and to a degree, New York). I mention the pay because, if you pay civic professionals little enough, you are going to get less talented and intelligent people (see teachers as exhibit A). To say nothing of the temptation for bribery and all kinds of other behavior.

    I’d change the training. I think we’ve gone way too paramilitary in the last thirty or so years. There’s a whole industry of paramilitary equipment makers that does their damndest to convince smaller departments that they need the most crazy things — like increased firepower, hummers, the whole nine yards — by scaring the bejeezus out of local politicians.

    That’s some of the reason you get jerks like the one Fiqah encountered. A low paid dude who sees being a cop as a way into the middle class, who might not live in the neighborhood, who is young (cops are recruited at 18-22) and probably less well-educated, though that is changing. On top of that he gets training that is very military-like.

    I can’t think of a better recipe for encouraging power-tripping – which is what that cop did. (I mean, that’s what it’s all about, right?)

    I read the comments and read the post, and I was mad. I want to tell the freakin’ world about these guys, as publicity is the only way to stop this kind of thing, I think. (My bias as a reporter shows, I know). But really, I’d gather all these stories and tell each woman who posted one to make Joe Sexton’s phone ring off the hook. (He’s the Metro editor of the NYT).

    Also, what AS said.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 9:52 am ¶

29. Eva wrote:

    “It’s funny how women are just expected to accommodate these things. It’s ok to impose shit on us. ”

    To me this is a complete disrespect for someone’s boundaries. I don’t mind flirting, in fact when a younger man flirts with me, I know I’m doing something right (since I’m 50) but here’s the other side. The reason so many women are scared when a guy does that in the street, is because we don’t know how it will end. We don’t know what you are going to do.

    I don’t have issues with police, they found the 90 year old mother of a friend of mine who had wandered off, they were nice to my mother when she shoved her cat in one of their arms and were nice to her when a neighbor was harassing her. That said, what happened to you Fiqah was disgusting. You should report him. When I was in my 20’s this cop hit on me in front of the precinct. I mean how crass was that? I got rid of him by asking him if he’d take me to the prom, though I was 25 then I looked to be about 16 and I guess he got scared and left me alone.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 12:11 pm ¶

30. Big Man wrote:

    I think some of you all failed to read my last comment closely.

    I stated clearly that I DO NOT tell women to smile because I see why it’s arrogant. In fact I told my father to stop doing that when he did it to a woman not to long ago. I think that randomly telling strangers how they should behave is often rude.

    However, I am curious about some of the comments about men checking women out. If a woman is wearing clothes that enhance her figure, or expose her cleavage, I’m wondering why she would expect men not to notice. Most men are going to notice, and some of them are going to oogle the woman. I respect the fact that woman find cat-calling an intense oogling rude, but I don’t think most men agree with me.
    Somebody earlier asked me how I would feel is somebody oogled my daughter. I wouldn’t be pleased at the guy, but I would also ask my daughter why she was dressed a certain way.
    Some of y’all might see that as blaming the victim, and I can respect your feelings. But, I really don’t see the purpose of wearing tight jeans or low-cut shirts if you don’t want people to notice those aspects of your figure.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 12:15 pm ¶

31. Big Man wrote:

    I keep comparing it to young black males dressing in a stereotypically “urban” manner.
    I hate when people use the dress of these kids to justify profiling them or mistreating them. But, I also get upset when I see kids mimicing gang behavior in their dress even when they don’t belong to a gang. I think there is a mutual responsibility.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 12:18 pm ¶

32. cocolamala wrote:

    @Big Man

    I think about it this way, regardless of how I or anyone else is dressed (male or female), looking is okay, but staring is rude.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 12:36 pm ¶

33. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @Big Man -

    Not to jump on you (because I really appreciate your willingness to engage) but I do wonder why men think I dress specifically for them when I go somewhere. If you happen to find me attractive, fine, but when I left the house I wasn’t thinking about you. And I don’t understand why someone finding me attractive entitles them to gawk, stare, grab or make me uncomfortable.

    For all you know, I’m on my way to meet my partner. So I never got the “well if women dress to attract attention” response. What made you think I wanted to catch your attention?

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 12:49 pm ¶

34. poettree wrote:

    thank you so much for sharing, fiqah. it can be difficult sharing because on the one hand, i don’t want to be even more fearful, and on the other hand i don’t want to not be in the know.

    i had a consistent experience with a middle-aged white man who seems to live in my neighborhood, as he takes the same bus routes as i do. he appears to have a mental illness that gets worse when he doesn’t take medication, based on a conversation i happened to have with someone who knew him on the bus, one time after yet another instance of him harassing a woman. he preys on women of color, white women, and small men of color, threatening them with sexist, sexual, racist, and anti-Semitic comments and getting into their physical space. he has threatened me three different times, and has also threatened two friends of mine on different occasions on the bus as well (i wasn’t there, they told me once i told them my stories), and clearly feels threatened by me because i have interrupted him harassing other people three times.

    after no success reporting it to the bus authorities (in Seattle), i reported him to the police. like many of you have shared, my experience with the policeman who took the report was that he was not sympathetic in the least. also, what he suggested that i do (like some of the things suggested by commenters in this thread) put me at greater risk of being harmed by this man: next time he harrasses me or someone, take a picture of him and then call police. (His first threat to me happened when I reported him to the bus driver, and the bus driver’s handling of the situation put me and the woman he was harassing at the time in more danger. Taking his picture without police present would clearly have him redirect his vitriol at me).

    the police officer also suggested changing bus routes, which is impossible since this man lives in my neighborhood and therefore takes the same bus routes as i do. he suggested driving to work – ha, i don’t have a car.

    so, my question to you all is: clearly, many of us are dedicated to systemic change in order to end violence against women, stop racial profiling, and fund mental health, chemical dependency, and other services. yet, in specific instances like these, the options for action all seem to put the women targetted by men and police in more danger. (for example, getting a restraining order revealing one’s address, as mentioned above)

    what suggestions to folks have for how to respond while, as much as possible, not putting ourselves in more danger?

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 1:37 pm ¶

35. Emilee wrote:

    Big Man –
    Like LaToya, I’m happy that you want to engage in this discussion. But I did not read you comment wrong. You said that you did not engage in this behavior – good. But then you condoned the behavior. THAT is the problem. What do you think rape culture is? And how do you think it comes to be? Condoning or even tacitly accepting harassment because it is not a big deal (or because a woman is wearing tight clothing) – that right there is perhaps the biggest contributor to rape culture. It allows harassers and even rapists to believe that they have allies, or at the very least, won’t be held accountable for their actions by either their peer group or the police. And they are right.

    And do you really think we only get hit on when we get dress up? I was wearing jeans and a turtleneck sweater yesterday and got whistled at. Also, it is not just conventionally pretty women (whatever the hell that means) who get harassed – all types of women are targeted for how they look. If I don’t look how men on the street think I should look, for not dressing up or looking pretty enough, I would get harassed for that too. In fact, I had a rash a couple of months ago and got told by some random dude at a bar that I was disgusting and shouldn’t come out in public. the problem is that strangers feel that they have the right to comment on how we look at all.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 1:54 pm ¶

36. Oh Inquisitive One wrote:

    As a career fireman and paramedic (with a brother as a cop), I apologize to Fiqah on behalf of all men, especially public servants. A formal complaint is the best solution, in this economy I’m positive he isn’t willing to risk his career for a lady that doesn’t want him. If he continues then it is on record. For proof keep a recorder in your purse to record it or use your cell phone. If your cellphone doesn’t have a recording option call your home voicemail when he is around and record him as a “message”.Worst case scenario is that he will lose his job and come after you but this is not a lifetime movie. I will say that a lot of men hide behind their positions to “holla” at women. Rather it is in the boardroom, office, or on the street. This is mostly because the perception and the culture in this country is that women are attracted to money/stability. Although I am married (and was dating my wife while still a broke college student), I can remember the single life. I recall the days when I was the polite, romantic guy who wrote poems and songs and did not get the lady. All the while, the “baller” was disrespectful, overly aggressive, and vulgar but GOT the girl. See ladies, even in 2009 there are inconsistencies when it comes to how men are to behave when approaching women. Not every woman is a video ho and not every women can go to the chasity ball. The conundrum is trying to figure it out. There is a thin line between persistance and harassment. For the record, the love poems worked for my lovely wife…Heres the question: I want to know honestly if Fiqah was attracted to the cop would she still feel harassed?

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 3:46 pm ¶

37. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @Oh Inquisitive One –

    I am not Fiqah, but I can answer this:

    Heres the question: I want to know honestly if Fiqah was attracted to the cop would she still feel harassed?

    A cute guy can turn very ugly, very quickly, if they take liberties with me. It doesn’t matter what he looks like, its frightening and its creepy. I know that men seem to hold on to that Chris Rock sketch about how Anita Hill wouldn’t have reported Clarence Thomas if he looked like Denzel, but sexual harassment isn’t a game or a joke.

    There is no one size fits all approach to every woman. We are individuals, we like different things. You need to worry about being yourself, finding people who are attracted to you, and not trying to intimidate women into being with you. Stop worrying about what other men are doing – you don’t know if they’ve been to jail for what they’ve done in the past or what. Would you still want to emulate that “baller” if you knew he was a rapist?

    When I wrote the Not Rape Epidemic, I talked about being sexually assaulted by a guy who was considered attractive. It didn’t make me feel any better.

    There isn’t an equivalency here.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 3:55 pm ¶

38. Fiqah wrote:

    I appreciate the thoughtful, helpful and compassionate responses that I am reading here. Thank you all so much for them. I’m a little pressed right now schedule-wise, but I will absolutely be making time later in the week to address specific inquiries and concerns about this post.LDP, thank you especially for stepping in and clarifying when I could not.

    This, however, cannot wait. I am addressing this response TO ANYONE who thinks that this officer was exercising his “male prerogative.” TO ANYONE who thinks that this was a simple misreading of a “nice” guy’s intentions . TO ANYONE who couldn’t step outside of their own limited existence for just a moment and not imagine themselves as the rebuffed aggressor who, after all, was just doing “what men do.”

    Does a woman have the right to go about her business, grocery shop, maybe not wear a potato sack, maybe not be unattractive, and be safe? Does she have the right to not return your interest? Does she have the right to not smile at you? In other words, fellas – because those of you coming back with these APPALLING responses have overwhelmingly been men – does having a vagina render a woman or girl’s right to be left the fuck ALONE null and void?

    The sense of entitlement – and corresponding resentment if denied – to a woman’s time, regard, and her very being that some of the comments here have illustrated chill me. Some of you should truly be ashamed.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 4:49 pm ¶

39. Fiqah wrote:

    @Oh Inquisitive One:

    Worst case scenario is that he will lose his job and come after you but this is not a lifetime movie.

    Have you been paying attention? Until a few weeks ago, I was terrified to leave my house during the day. This (ARMED!) man had already overstepped enough professional and ethical bounds for me to be concerned. I had and have no idea what his “limits” are. If hitting on an uninterested woman while wearing a gun and a badge is not objectionable, what on earth is? As for hypothesizing that I’d have been okay with this repeated unacceptable behavior if I’d found this man attractive…I’ll just say that the ONLY thing keeping me from tearing you a brand, spanking new one is my profound respect for the mods and the moderation policy.

    Your disconnect and lack of empathy is most unsettling. This isn’t about you and all those terrible women who didn’t respond to your nice-guy overtures back when you were single. Come on.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 5:46 pm ¶

40. mieko wrote:

    I always appreciate the discussions going on here for their maturity and depth, but Fiquah’s last comment got me thinking: Dear LDP, how many of these comments DON’T make it on the comments board? Are there really that many people who attempt to comment here that wish to blame the victim or apologize for the perpetrator? That saddens me.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 6:12 pm ¶

41. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @mieko -

    Quite a few. While we let some through that seem like men working through their issues or trying to gain more understanding, we delete ones where the person is blatantly trying to pull for the patriarchy.

    The second comment to this post (which I personally deleted) was “I don’t see what you think this officer did wrong.”

    Now I will say, this has gotten progressively better over time. We’re an all women run blog, and we don’t approve misogyny, so a lot of that contingent has left. The remaining men who continue to read and comment here are more feminist minded than not, even if they don’t understand everything.

    But yes, it can be both maddening and saddening on the back end – though, I think its worse when other women try to condone or rationalize this behavior. Women are influenced by the patriarchy too, but for some reason it makes me even more upset than when I see a man running defense.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 6:22 pm ¶

42. atlasien wrote:

    Sigh. At Oh Inquisitive One… what you’re describing with the baller is the typical Nice Guy/Bad Boy dynamic.

    Women don’t like Nice Guys, not because they’re nice, but because they’re passive aggressive and they’re just as full of entitlement and misogyny as street harassers. They believe that being “nice” and “polite” entitles them to get laid, and if they don’t, they hate the woman who withholds herself and often try to punish her. Whether you were really one of those loathesome “Nice Guys”, or just mistaken for one, it’s natural that women don’t like those tactics.

    A “Bad Boy”, on the other hand, isn’t necessarily as misogynist. If a man asks a woman, straight up, to sleep with him, then she says no, and then he just shrugs and keeps on socializing with her… that tells her that he respects her as a person. If she’ll have sex with him, great, if not, he doesn’t hold it against her, and can still relate to her as any two human beings relate to each other.

    When I was single I noticed the men in my circles who seemed to be sleeping around with a lot of different women were often vulgar, aggressive and “slutty”… but not disrespectful of women. They had a lot of women friends, and often socialized with women they didn’t sleep with. When they broke up with a woman they often stayed friends with her.

    Of course there are the other kind of slutty men who don’t treat women like human beings, and won’t have anything to do with them after they’ve had sex… they get away with this because they’re skilled at targeting women with low self-esteem. But if they try that tactic in a circle where women have higher self-esteem, they get frozen out of sex because the women warn each other away from him.

    If you’re a woman, then being around a “bad boy” can be a hell of a lot safer than being around a “nice guy”. If you sleep with the “bad boy”, he probably won’t get too attached and stalk you. And if you turn him down, he probably won’t get too offended and stalk you. The stakes are a lot higher with the “nice guy” and so is the danger.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 6:27 pm ¶

43. Delux wrote:

    So is it just me, or is Inquisitive One just laying out the ways in which he feels men are entitled to attention from women under the guise of blaming women for not being homoegenous?

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 6:35 pm ¶

44. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @atlasien – Spot on, as usual. And if anyone still isn’t clear on why women keep away from “Nice Guys:”

    http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

    http://xkcd.com/513/

    http://restructure.wordpress.com/2008/12/05/nice-guy-tm-at-xkcd/

    I was thinking of doing some more hip hop feminism next week – now I feel compelled to.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 6:40 pm ¶

45. PatrickInBeijing wrote:

    Fiqah, and all the other women who are attacked by police, let me express my sorrow. I wish there were easy solutions, but as the comments show, this is a difficult issue for the victims. Who “polices the police”.

    There is a sickness at the heart of male society that says that females are objects who can be treated as such, not seen as people. It is all over popular culture, see almost any TV show or movie. (I saw the hit movie “Something about Mary” and felt sick. He was stalking her!! People thought this was funny. Stalking isn’t funny, never.)

    We still don’t take women’s “issues” seriously in this society.

    I think that one of the powers of what you wrote Fiqah, is that it provides a place not only for you to speak, but for those of us who are male to listen.

    As more women have the courage to speak up, the stories will be heard, too slowly, but they will be heard, until we HAVE to listen.

    That is the only hope for change that I can see. I know that what changed me was listening to my friends stories when I was young and seeing their pain.

    So, thanks again for having the courage to share and for doing so very eloquently, and thanks Racialicious for being here.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 8:14 pm ¶

46. Keeley wrote:

    I hate to hear about these sorts of things happening. And that they seem to be so common- makes me feel like a person has no reason to feel safe in the company of someone with so much power… especially when you’re suppose to trust the police to protect you. Even in a small town where you assume that ‘these things don’t happen’ actually do. I live in a small town when something similar happened to myself. I was driving around looking at Christmas lights and was pulled over by this cop for driving past a stop sign (that didn’t exist). I did not contradict him though and apologized. He then made me leave the car and followed me while making me walk home. Not more then a week later he pulled me over while I was walking to my grandmother’s house and accused me of being drunk (confused because I have never taken a drink in my life) and had me blow into a breathalyzer multiple times despite it always coming up as clean. It is so frustrating not knowing what to do when you’re in an position of zero power… and who is going to believe you if you try to report? In a small town, all the cops are buddies. I just do not go out anymore.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 10:47 pm ¶

47. ashlynn wrote:

    Oh goodness, the “What Was She Wearing?” Defense. As if what a woman is wearing gives you the right to harass her. Its the same way that a man gets angry when a police officer stops him because he’s wearing baggy jeans(which are disgusting anyway, but that’s a another day) and a doo-rag.

    Did it never occur that we buy low-cut tops because WE like what we see? Since when does some stranger come into the equation? When we dress, we dress for ourselves primarily, and our SO’s, jobs, secondarily. Mr. “Smile, Princess” on the street is not even remotely on our minds. So why would you assume that when I bought those skinny jeans, I bought them so you, random person on the corner who I don’t even know, could tell me about myself in them?

    Really though? Sir, you are bugging.

    Posted 19 Nov 2009 at 10:58 pm ¶

48. Big Man wrote:

    I didn’t think women bought clothes solely for the purpose of themselves because when I buy clothes I pick out things that flatter me personally and make my look more attractive to others. I’ve found that most people pick clothes that either comfortable, or that enhance how attractive they look.

    I think I understand the point about wanting to feel safe from prying eyes. I ran this discussion by a female friend and she echoed the comment that it’s okay to look, but not to stare.

    This seems to make sense in most cases, and I think generally the problems most of you all are describing are examples of men crossing obvious boundaries and treating you disrespectfully.

    That said, I know I’ve been guilty of having wandering eyes when it comes to a woman’s cleavage or some other part of her anatomy. I guess it bothers me to think that because my eyes were drawn to something that a woman’s clothes enhanced, I would then be labeled as an insentive male jerk who didn’t know how to control himself. There have been times when that description fit me, but there are also times when it doesn’t.

    I’m sorry about what happened to Fiqah. As someone who has been treated harshly by police, I think I can understand some of her feelings about vulnerability and helplessness. While I don’t always agree with everything posted here, I do continue to visit the site because it’s a different perspective from my own, and I enjoy different perspectives on the world.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 12:24 pm ¶

49. Big Man wrote:

    Oh yeah. I had no idea there was a problem with walking behind a woman. I’m pretty sure most men have no idea about this as well.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 12:25 pm ¶

50. Big Man wrote:

    So, I also asked a female friend about this walking behind women thing. Basically to see if this is something that’s just widespread among women that I was totally unaware of. (It’s amazing how many things are common knowledge among one group of people, but not another. We are all living in our own worlds.)

    Anyway, this whole thing has me confused and a little bothered.

    Does this mean that men can’t walk behind women at all? Or is there a certain distance you have to be back from a woman? What’s the distance?

    I don’t understand why the comment author expects that men would be taught this at home. Is this a common part of most people’s home training? Did I just miss out?

    Does my ignorance make me rude and inconsiderate? That’s seems bothersome.

    Moreover, should the fact that some women feel unsafe about how I walk down the sidewalk dictate how I should walk down the sidewalk? I’m not sure about that. For some reason it reminds me of white people telling me how to dress and act in order to make them more comfortable.

    Thanks for your time.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 12:55 pm ¶

51. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @BigMan –

    Think about context.

    Happen to be walking behind a woman on a crowded street?

    Are you in her personal space? Some men like to do that come up so close you can feel them. Not cool.

    Just normal walking, you’re fine.

    Walking behind a woman on an empty street? Not good. You’re going to rob or rape me, why can’t you walk where I can see you? (Women will often slow down to see if the man will overtake them when this happens. If they do, sigh of relief. If they don’t, big fucking problem.)

    Walking behind someone and trying to get her attention? Not good. Walking behind someone and making comments under your breath about her ass? Also not good.

    All of these things have happened to me.

    I’ve had a man come up behind me on a metro escalator. Mostly empty, but since I was way ahead of him, he decided to walk up the escalator until he was on the step behind me and just stand there, breathing, waiting for me to notice him.

    (Which I did, in the form of slinging my bag over my shoulder. Metro etiquette is to stand a step back from someone for personal space. If someone is far enough, you adjusting a bag or an umbrella won’t hit them. But men (and generally, it’s men) tend to violate this the most. But they never do that creepy stand too close thing with other men. Only with other women.

    Where you are struggling, Big Man, is the issue that generally cool guys have when women talk about what is happening to them in the streets. You are basing everything in your behavior. Since it doesn’t make logical sense to do something like follow a woman for three blocks of your way, muttering under your breath, and since you haven’t seen your friends do it, you assume that it isn’t happening, or you try to graft that experience onto your own experience.

    It’s not a direct correlation.

    Home training is giving people personal space. There are things you just learn, kind of like that urinal rule thing that men have when there is one guy peeing somewhere. You don’t go use the one directly next to him if there are others open – it violates his personal space. And you don’t stare at his dick. But these rules of personal space and respect go out the door when it comes to women, and men think nothing of violating our personal space.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 1:12 pm ¶

52. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @BigMan –

    Also, I’ve basically decided to do some more hip-hop feminism posts, because it amazes me how much violence, aggression, and sex are conflated, so much so that men act as if they do not know when their actions are harmful. I suggest watching this segment from Dreamworlds:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXPXeJtuxBc

    For a better understanding. Or better yet, watch the whole thing.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 1:19 pm ¶

53. Eva wrote:

    To me this is about boundaries. The cop overstepped his boundaries, he had NO right to hit on Fiqah while in uniform. It’s like this, a doctor can’t hit on a patient that he’s treating, a lawyer isn’t supposed to hit on a person he’s defending. There are reasons boundaries exist.

    All people have the right to go about their business unmolested and this isn’t about flirting. If a man speaks to a woman and she doesn’t respond, then she’s not interested and he should move on. I mean why would a man want a woman who doesn’t want him?

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 3:25 pm ¶

54. Eva wrote:

    @Latoya:

    Thanks for that link. I think everybody should watch that. It’s really food for thought.

    You know, in the 1950’s there used to be instructional videos they showed to children in high school, things like “what to do on a date.” They’re funny when you watch them today but maybe we’re in need of them, because clearly many men today don’t get the concept of boundaries or personal space. I thought we all learned that at 2 years old.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 3:35 pm ¶

55. Ally S wrote:

    This is so hard, and I honestly don’t know how it can be avoided. I’ve had the best results by saying, quite quietly and simply, “I mean no offence, but you are making me feel uncomfortable”. In my experience, there are very few men who won’t be shamed into leaving a woman alone after that.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 5:03 pm ¶

56. Big Man wrote:

    Latoya

    That was a very good explanation. The part about me assuming that most men act like me, and wondering what the big deal was really made sense.

    I think I was upset because I had never EVER considered that walking down the street behind a woman would be seen as threatening, since I’m not thinking about threatening a woman when I’m walking behind her. I figured that she would automatically assume I was a good person, not a bad person.

    But, I can see why women are more likely to assume the worse given their position of vulnerability when it comes to men. Women just view the world differently. My wife is worried about coming home at night when it’s dark, I rarely give it a second thought.

    Anyway, thanks for that explanation. This entire discussion has made me think of something I want to write about.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 5:38 pm ¶

57. Big Man wrote:

    Eva
    I think men understand boundaries in a general sense. As Latoya noted with her excellent bathroom example, there are certain codes about how men interact with other men.

    Sometimes we choose not to respect other people’s boundaries for a variety of reasons.

    Sometimes, while we understand the general concept, we might not understand you individual concept.

    For example, I would have never grabbed a woman’s arm to get her attention and try to talk to her on the street. Clearly, I realized that was rude. Yet, I would have never guessed that walking behind a woman would feel like a violation of her personal space and a threat to her safety. I just never thought about it.

    I think women have to develop a more cautious and careful attitude about the world because of the power dynamics. Men don’t do that in most cases, so often we don’t see situations the same way you all do. Things you all see as a threat, we might not see as threatening. In the case of this anecdote, I understood the problem instantly, but I can see why many men wouldn’t because they would struggle to put themselves in that situation, since we rarely experience something like that outside of maybe prison.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 5:43 pm ¶

58. scout wrote:

    Wow. I shouldn’t be surprised to hear that so many other women have been harassed by cops, but I am. It happened to me too. When I was 21 I was stopped twice in a month by a young male cop who was later taken off the force for “demanding sexual favors” from the women he stopped. Both times he stopped me, he was very creepily complimentary, giving me pickup lines, “don’t i know you from somewhere?”, while violating all kinds of spatial norms, i.e., resting his elbows on my open driver’s side window, leaning his face way into my car to talk to me. He sent a chill through me; I instinctually knew that this man meant me harm. He let me go, though, both times without any ticket or further harassment. Those encounters always unsettled me, and then 6 months later I see his face on the news, being “investigated” for sexual misconduct, using threats of incarceration and the ever-present threat of violence, to elicit “sexual favors” from women while on patrol. I felt sick to my stomach when I recognized his face, and my own dumb luck at not being one of his victims.

    Needless to say, I followed that case pretty closely, and you know what they finally did to him? The mayor of my city, who had just been elected after serving as this guy’s CHEIF OF POLICE, took him off the force. And reassigned him to the Fire Department. So, great. Having demonstrated no commitment whatsoever to public safety, he now has a cherry job where he gets to encounter *unconscious* women. Familiarize yourself with your fire extinguishers, ladies.

    And to whoever had the nerve to ask, this cop was actually a very good-looking young guy, in whom I might have been interested, in another situation where he wasn’t, oh, you know, *sexually harassing me*!! Please let’s put a rest to this ridiculous “it’s only sexual harassment if you don’t find him attractive” nonsense. Women know damn well when we’re being threatened, and if you’ve ever been in a situation where you feel your bodily safety is in jeopardy, then you’d know damn well it doesn’t have a thing to do with “he just wasn’t my type”.

    As for men telling women to smile, that’s no big mystery. They want to be smiled at because it makes *them* feel acknowledged, accepted, attractive. Never mind what the woman may be going through or feeling at any given time. A man who tells you to smile is telling you that your worth is dependent on how good you make *him* (usually a complete stranger!) feel. And that’s well worth getting pissed about.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 6:10 pm ¶

59. Sarah wrote:

    Thank you for posting this, Fiqah. I am sorry that you had this experience, but grateful that you decided to share it with us.

    I am a woman, and, until I read this story and comments, I had no idea that sexual harassment by police was so common.

    Recently I was walking to the grocery store near my DC home, where there is usually an officer stationed outside the store. It was night and I was alone. As I came up to the entrance and walked past the police officer, I was surprised to hear him say, “Hey baby.”

    I nodded and continued walking.

    “You look good,” he continued. I ignored him, and he added “I’ll be here till midnight baby.”

    I never felt unsafe, exactly. It was dark out, but well lit and there were other people in the store and parking lot. He did not violate my personal space or follow me. The experience did leave me unsettled though, and I am disturbed to learn how frequently things like (and worse) this occur.

    Posted 20 Nov 2009 at 6:33 pm ¶

60. Jennifer wrote:

    I actually wear a wedding band (gift from a friend) just to try to keep some of the catcalling and the “yo Shawty!” shit at bay. Sexual embarrassment by a cop? Ugh, the headache is enough to make me cry.

    Posted 21 Nov 2009 at 6:04 pm ¶

61. Fiqah wrote:

    ALL: I have really been enjoying the dialogue here. Thanks to everyone for participating in the discussion. (FYI, the cop in question is no longer a threat to my immediate safety because I have moved.)

    @Erica, gatamala, Phrone, n, atlasien, entropicankh, Emily, Keeley, scout, and Sarah: Thank you all so, so much for sharing your stories of harassment by law enforcement officials. It is shamefully common, and there are still very few realistic options for many of us. As saddened as I am to see that there are so many women who know about this first-hand, I am enormously grateful to you for speaking out. (Oh, and everybody – please go read Emily’s terrific blog, Feminist Looking Glass. It’s one of my favorites.)

    @AS, Jess: Thank you very much for your feedback and helpful information. AS, I had heard about the NYPD officer who was being brought up on rape and I think stalking charges earlier this year. It is good to know that various social justice and civil liberties organizations offer help to victims of police misconduct. Jess, I also considered contacting the press under the condition that I remain anonymous; however, anonymous sources don’t always stay that way. My brief exchange with my lawyer confirmed that the level of harassment I experienced would be considered minimal…if it was considered at all. That doesn’t mean that Nothing Happened to me, it just means that nothing litigiable happened. Generally, if you’re looking to build a case against any law-enforcing body, your evidence MUST be rock solid, and even then it’s no guarantee. I’ve seen NYPD officers accused of murdering unarmed civilians and off-duty cops of color go before a judge and jury and leave the courtroom with their freedom and their jobs, so I’m more than a little skeptical about how effective filing a civilian complaint about a cop – with the cops – is. They ask for your name and contact information on the form you linked. That is immediately problematic. Not every cop is “dirty” but I have yet to meet a single one who doesn’t exhibit “Blue Wall” mentality inspired behavior. I just don’t trust it.

    Posted 21 Nov 2009 at 11:39 pm ¶

62. Fiqah wrote:

    @coco: Thank you for sharing your story. I’d heard about the cops near where you live from people I know. Apparently, they’re notorious for this kind of behavior.

    @Lyonside, AS, Jamerican Muslimah, m., Emilee, cocolamala, and especially atlasien and LDP: Thanks for helping parse a lot of this out. It’s hard to get folks who don’t experience (to borrow Ta-Nehisi Coates’ term) the “business end” of rape culture to really see it for what it is. And Big Man, thank you for engaging so much on this thread.

    I’m surprised at how many of us who are single wear wedding bands as a preemptive measure. I’m also dismayed at how much of my day-to-day living is dictated by rape culture normatives. The supermarket in my old neighborhood is open 24 hours, so I used to avoid lines by doing my grocery shopping at night, but stopped when I was followed home by men on two completely separate occasions. This decision, of course, led to the encounters that inspired this post.

    Finally, I cosign wholeheartedly with ashlynn and other posters who expressed irritation at the whole “what was she wearing” and “Smile!” bull. It is part and parcel of the centering of the straight male gaze/perspective, and as such, a function of patriarchy. Seriously, a woman wearing something fitted or curve-hugging and walking in your general direction shouldn’t indicate to you that she wants to be bothered. Likewise, because our faces belong to US, telling us what to do with them is not cool. There’s a reason why men don’t usually tell other men to smile. Think about that.

    Posted 22 Nov 2009 at 12:27 am ¶

63. Mel wrote:

    Is it thinking too well of these authority figures to think that maybe some of them would be horrified to know we feel this way?

    That they don’t realise how threatening it is for some women to be approached in this way by authority figures?

    Maybe it’s our duty to tell them. Call them on it. “Look, I’m sure this isn’t your intention [even if you think it is, give them an out], but your attention is making me feel really uncomfortable”. Or “That’s really sweet offering to carry my bags, but I don’t like men I don’t know knowing where I live”.

    Of course some seem to know full well what they’re doing, but they still need calling on it. Make it explicit to them that what they’re doing makes you feel uncomfortable, and make them acknowledge and take responsibility for it.

    Posted 22 Nov 2009 at 10:00 pm ¶

64. Bronx chick wrote:

    may healing and an ultimate strengthening of our intrinsic human connections continue to happen after such elaborate, and tear jerking debate.

    Posted 23 Nov 2009 at 6:08 am ¶

65. Fiqah wrote:

    @Mel: No. I really don’t believe that it’s a question of poor communication or misunderstanding. The presence of a lethal weapon – and the legal authority to kill with it – comes with tremendous responsibility and a code of ethics to abide by.

    I’m not entertaining the “maybe they just don’t know” argument. It is a crock of crap, and it stinketh.

    Posted 25 Nov 2009 at 7:45 pm ¶

66. Mel wrote:

    Really? Because I always figured it’s best to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and tell them up front. Sure, some of them are complete a-holes, but some of them are just idiots. And the idiots need to know that they’re upsetting people with their heavy handed and somewhat skeezy ‘flirtations’.

    Sadly despite the fact they get issued with guns, police are just regular folk like the rest of us, and some of them are fools.

    If nobody tells them, they just don’t know. And while its obvious to you and me what the issue is, for them its like the decent seeming chap earlier who hadn’t thought about how threatening it is for a woman walking alone to have someone walking behind her.

    He knows now. I’ll bet you he’s not going to do it again, and what’s more he’ll tell all his friends. That’s how we go about changing this world.

    Posted 26 Nov 2009 at 6:59 am ¶

67. karinova wrote:

    “Cops are not some fucking angels of society.”
    No shit. Once when I was 19 and newly-moved to an unfamiliar town, I got hopelessly lost on the way to a job interview. I ended up walking, in office attire, along the side of a highway off in some godforsaken industrial area. Up pulls a cop car: what the heck am I doing way out here like this, get in and he’ll take me home. I didn’t see how I could say no (for one thing, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to walk on the highway). And I had unknown miles to walk, in heels, on an already-blazing summer day in south Florida. And he sounded genuinely concerned (a first-time thing for me with cops; I’m from NYC). So I get in the front. Long story short, he ended up slowly driving me home, chatting while driving… and telling me how pretty I was… and apologizing… for pulling out his penis and masturbating. To completion.

    When he pulled it out, I wasn’t even surprised. Just disappointed. Again. (What fresh hell is this?) I got the distinct impression that it was a… whim?* Not sure how to put it. Something like: Oh. Hey. Here’s a young black woman wandering the area + I’m a white male Ft. Lauderdale cop = I can do this, so… why not, right? Like I was some pie sitting on a windowsill. And the whole time with this friendly banter of, “Gosh, I sure do feel bad about this, but how could I not, you know? You’re so pretty! Bear with me. Home in a jiffy!” While jacking away. Meanwhile I’m sitting there with my hand on the door handle and a frozen demi-smile on my face, making vaguely affirmative noises and thinking “tuckandrolltuckandrolltuckandroll…” Ugh.** What a disgusting piece of shit. That’s what that profession attracts. (Or creates; I’m really not sure.)

    This, and some other experiences (when I could’ve used some help), have soured me on the police. Permanently. I admit it, I’ve pretty much got full blown PDPTSD. Whenever there’s some police-abuse case du jour and some ass breaks out with “I bet you wouldn’t feel that way about the cops if you needed them at your house! When someone’s busting down your door, don’t call them!” I always lose my poop, because hello, some of us don’t. We need the cops and we don’t call. In our experience, they just make problems worse. In fact, some of us hightail it the hell away from cops ASAP, because too many cops are themselves walking problems. Keep in mind I’ve never had a valid run-in with the law but for a single traffic ticket. For going too slow. Yet I marvel at people who find cops reassuring. I find their presence heart-poundingly disturbing. Like, cross-the-street-to-avoid-them disturbing. (Oooh shit, a cop. Where the hell is a scary black man when you need him?!)

    This attitude didn’t come out of nowhere. I was taught to revere cops, and I did. As a child, I was in awe of their shiny motorcycles and snappy uniforms. I once made my dad take me to a station house just so I could see them! I was about 6. But I had my first bad experience before I was 10. Ten!! So in this arena, I now just watch my step and quietly think, “you know what? fuck the po-leece.” I rarely say it out loud, but I fucking hate (read: fear) them. I was also taught to wave at firefighters as a child, and I reluctantly stopped when I turned 30 because unfortunately, I’m just too old for that. But I still want to. Cuz they’re all I’ve got left.

    ____
    * And yet, when he was finished, he rather conveniently had a little towel ready in the back seat. That detail didn’t sink in for years.
    ** Epilogue: Luckily he never touched me. Very apologetic, you know. I had him drop me at a random house, where I strode through the side gate to the backyard and hid out before running home.

    Posted 28 Nov 2009 at 6:02 pm ¶

68. Jesse wrote:

    As a human I can identify with your plight here Fiqah even though I am a male.

    There is no excuse for his behavior. None.

    To any men who think its ok to to look a woman up and down in an obvious or overt way you are incredibly ignorant. And even if you think your not being overt by looking out the side of your eyes, women can notice things out of the side of their vision too.

    You need to grow up. You should be the one arrested and tried for sexually terrorizing, especially if you have a badge or other symbol of authority.

    And a police officer making advances while on the job? That is sexual harassment automatically. Protecting citizens from people like yourself, that is your job.

    If you are that concerned that the ‘pimps’ and ‘G’s’ get all the women then you are only focusing on your own selfish greed for flesh and gratification.

    Women are not put here for your ego to be stroked. And you will not find love or respect with a woman who dates you when you act atrociously.

    Any man who thinks it is more important to obtain sex than it is to care about people, has his priorities wrong. That is just being a selfish prick. And to use a badge and a gun and pretend you are innocent or ignorant of what you are doing is a complete falsehood. That is the behavior of a scumbag. We hired you to protect us from scumbags. So do us a favor and turn yourself in.

    The rest of us men and our sons will still grow up to be loving men who consider and behave as equals with women.

    Posted 29 Nov 2009 at 5:41 pm ¶

69. teaspoon wrote:

    My husband and I had an unfortunate run-in with the cops recently. We were up in his hometown area to visit family, and a cop car whizzed passed us going the other direction. We thought nothing of it, until maybe 3 minutes later that car was suddenly behind us with the flashing blue lights.

    I don’t know what it was that urged them to change their minds and turn around so much later, we were only left to stew and conjecture about it after they were gone. Anyway, we pull over and stop and not one, but TWO po-pos come striding up to the truck and meet us at each window.

    The one on his side does all of the talking, and the one on my side has those big reflective glasses, an oversized mustache and seems to stare at me (if I could see his eyes).

    Cop on my husband’s side says they clocked us going (I think?) 57 in a 45. He asks, “Do you have any legal reason for going that fast, sir?” Obviously the answer is no, but neither of us believe for a second that we were actually traveling at that speed.

    He asks for my husband’s license and all the other usual info, and asks us what we are doing out here in this town. Accusingly, it feels. Husband says that he grew up here, and we were visiting his Dad. He nods in my direction and asks, “”Is that your wife or girlfriend with you?” Husband swallows nervously, and replies, “My wife.” Then the cop proceeds to ask for MY driver’s license as well.

    They walk back to the car, make us wait, and eventually return to give us a written warning.

    We drove away unharmed, but both violated in a way that we couldn’t put their fingers on. Were they racial profiling? Both of us are of mixed descent, but my husband is much darker. Being that we live in the South, it’s not far-fetched to assume those white cops thought they saw a Latino man with a White lady. My husband is actually Inupiaq, which I’m sure is an extremely uncommon ethnicity in the south.

    We immediately recalled the scene from Crash when the Black director and his wife are pulled over by the cops. They didn’t make us step out of the car and feel me up in front of my husband, but they made us both feel dirty and uncomfortable.

    Posted 10 Dec 2009 at 4:11 pm ¶