The Race™-Approved White Guys [Humor]
By Sexual Correspondent AJ Plaid and Guest Contibutor (and regular commenter) Fiqah
After re-reading some of the responses to the Ciara/Justin Timberlake post and extensively confabbing over brunches about it, we finally figured out that the greatest transgression Ciara committed wasn’t the BDSM imagery (though some wanted to switch the argument from that to “this is just racist!” or otherwise dodge-the-discomfort comments and conversations) or that she and her gurls were doing their private dance for a white guy. It was the white guy himself.
Then we did a bit of snooping. Thanks to our gal-pal in the sex & relationship scene, Twanna Hines of Funky Brown Chick, we found an Essence listing of white guys who have paired with Black women. We looked at the posts—and at each other—and decided that they didn’t go far enough.
Therefore, in an effort to make sure such a pop-culture faux-pas don’t happen again, we’ve composed a list of white guys who are deemed The Race™-sanctioned—any Black female performer can be seen with these white performers and know she’s doing right by Us™. Our criteria:
- We know they’ve dated, are dating, are married to, have and/or have babies by Black women. (Having Black or Black biracial daughters, adopted or biological, is an added bonus. ‘Cause, as some of us wanna believe, if the white guy can touch/sex up/adopt/father a sistah, they can not possibly be…well, you know the rhetoric.)
- They can actually have performing-arts skills. (This leaves out Kevin “K-Fed” Federline.)
- They’re famous in their own right. (This kinda sorta leaves out Gabriel Aubry. Some early men-watchers know him as a model. But many more know him for siring Halle Berry’s baby. If you don’t believe us, say Aubry’s name and “model.” Then say Aubry’s name and “Halle Berry’s baby’s daddy.” Record the results.)
- We get the 6th Sense* that they’ve been with sistahs but aren’t talking about it.
- We sistahs have sensed the sexual tension between these dudes and the sistahs on-screen.
- They’re not Justin Timberlake.
So, in some sort of brunch drink-induced order, and with some of the sexiest snaps we can find on Google (oh yeah, the numbers correspond to the criterion/a we believe these guys fit. We assumed points 2, 3, and 6 for all of them):
- Daniel Craig (5–Die Another Day)
- Javier Bardem (4)
- Viggo Mortensen (4)
- Brad Pitt (1—dated Robin Givens and, of course, Zahara Jolie-Pitt)
- Gerard Butler (1–dated Naomi Campbell)
- Justin Chambers (1–married and father)
- Chris Noth (1—partnered and father)
- Joseph Fiennes (allegedly 1–with, again, Naomi Campbell)
- Daniel Radcliffe (4)
- Luke Goss (1–partnered)
- Clive Owen (5–The Rich Man’s Wife)
- John Turturro (5—Jungle Fever)
- Ryan Gosling (4)
- Robert DeNiro (sooooo 1—in fact, he gets the Lifetime Top-of-the-List membership)
- Robin Thicke (another 1–not quite on the top of the Lifetime Membership List because DeNiro is older and dated/gotten monogamous with sistahs when Thicke was an itch in his parents’ pants. Gotta respect the elders. ::: fist pump :::)
- Jon “Color Me Down Wit’ The Brown” B. (according to the song, definitely 1)
- Ed Harris (4)
- Harvey Keitel (4)
- Robert Forster (5—Jackie Brown)
- Hugh Jackman (1—adopted WA/AOC daughter)
- Colin Farrell (1—partnered and father)
- Ron Perlman (1—married with children)
- David Bowie (1—married with child. And if we have to tell you who his wife is…)
- Jeff Goldblum (5—Deep Cover, anyone?)
The following fellas we had to classify under, “You’d Think So…But No”:
- Michael Rappoport
- Ben Affleck
- Bill “I’m Not ‘Down,’ Just Visiting” Maher
- Eminem
- Jimmy Kimmel
- Beastie Boys
- Snow
- Vanilla Ice
- Ashton Kutchner
- Edward Norton
- Matthew “Primal Drumbeat” McConaughey…who gets a Special Edition Sizzling Sistagirl Side-Eye Supreme for acting up dippy-hippie style while girlfriend Camila Alves was in labor with their firstborn
Of course, we’d be remiss in our Racial Duty™ if we didn’t issue these warnings….errrmmm, special mentions:
- Went Black, Came Back Award: Bruce Willis
- Don’t Date Him Gurl Award: Quentin Tarantino
We implore our acting/singing sistahs to carry this list to every audition, contract negotiation, and video casting so we can all avoid further on- and offline vituperations.
And if you, my performing sistah, disagree with The List?
Your Black Card™ will be revoked.**
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*The Sistah 6th Sense—the intuitive knowledge that the white person will not cause race-based psychic damage through microagressions and/or otherwise unchecked sense of entitlement or white-skin (and, in this case, –male) privilege. Thus they’re dating/sexing/marrying/making babies with Black women ‘cause they respect Black women…and think we’re total babes. It’s not always right, mind you.
**Revocation of said Black Card™ may result in the former holder being subjected to the following treatment by any Black Card™ carrier: public side-eye, regular authenticity-questioning, and an embarrassingly frosty reception at the NAACP Image Awards.
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(Special h/t to Tami of What Tami Said for McConaughey write-up. Thanks to Thea Lim for coining the WA/AOC –white ancestor/ancestor of color–designation. And thanks to Latoya for helping out with the “You’d Think So….But No” Category.)
Photo Credits: Rihanna and Robin Thicke/Terry Richardson for GQ; Luke Goss/imdb.com; Bill Maher/HBO
)
. I have to say you and Fiquah’s commentary on this topic is hilarious. It truly lightened up my day 
. and perfect description for bill maher, who gets the permanent side-eye from me.
Thanks for the chuckles ladies.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
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