Default Divisions
by Guest Contributor Sumeia Williams, originally published at Ethnically Incorrect
I came across an article on the Pact website written by Elizabeth Bartholet. In it she says:
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The research does indicate some interesting differences in transracially-adopted people’s attitudes about race and race relations, which critics of transracial adoption cite as evidence that supports their position. But this evidence is positively heart-warming for those who believe that Blacks and Whites should learn to live compatibly in one world, with respect and concern for each other and with appreciation of their racial and cultural differences as well as their common humanity. The studies reveal that Blacks adopted by Whites appear more positive than Blacks raised by Blacks about relationships with Whites, more comfortable in those relationships, and more interested in a racially integrated lifestyle. They think race is not the most important factor in defining who they are or who their friends should be.
The Editor’s Commentary makes some good points concerning Bartholet’s ignorance of the realities of transracial adoptees and people of color. Part of me laughs at her myopic interpretation of the study she mentions while another, less eloquent part screams, “Duh!” Of course “Blacks adopted by Whites appear more positive than Blacks raised by Blacks about relationships with Whites, more comfortable in those relationships, and more interested in a racially integrated lifestyle.” It’s not like they have much of a choice. Being raised by white people forces the adoptee of color to be open and tolerant towards white people because “White” becomes the dominant race in their lives.
Whether transracial adoption promotes “respect and concern for each other and with appreciation of their racial and cultural differences as well as their common humanity” is questionable. It might force an adoptee to be tolerant, but it doesn’t necessarily carry over into the larger community. In fact, quite the opposite can happen, or even worse, cause an adoptee to be alienated or rejected from that community. Did Bartholet ever stop to wonder how comfortable those adopted “Blacks” would feel in relationships with other “Blacks”?
Are TRAs suppose to act as Trojan horses sent out to win over the rest of the community? Are we suppose to scream out, “Look! My white adoptive parents saved me (from you), and I turned out great! White people rock!” It seems in her zeal to create this racially tolerant world of hers, Bartholet forgets something. Most transracial adoptees don’t grow up with an appreciation for their birth ethnicities, they grow up with an appreciation for that of their adoptive parents.
Bartholet appears to be pushing that unrealistic “bridge” ideal which dehumanizes and forces the adoptee into the role of go-between. TRAs do not exist to serve her or anyone’s goal of creating a colorblind society and shouldn’t be used as pawns toward that end. How is it that she tells her adopted sons that their racial differences “makes no difference” to her and yet on the same page speak favorably about society’s “appreciation of their racial and cultural differences”? She puts the onus on “Black” adoptees by concentrating on their “relationships with Whites”. All together now, boys and girls! PRIVILEGE. Did she stop to think about how “Black” adoptees might be perceived and treated by “Whites” in our racialized society?
I didn’t think that race was important either until I took a closer look at my dating history. Throughout my teen years, my boyfriends had always been white. While environment is the obvious thing to examine, I wanted to try and paint a more complete picture of how my surroundings contributed to my developing psyche. The mental wall that existed between myself and other people of color was as incorporeal as air. It was that intangibility that gave it strength. The only way to bring it down was to reverse engineer it and then deconstruct it brick by brick.
For the most part, I’d been isolated from other Asians, but that didn’t explain my homogeneous dating history. There were plenty of African American and Latino guys from which to choose. Why had I only seriously considered white guys as possible dating partners? Was that a reflection of my attitudes towards men of color? Had I simply internalized the whiteness of my family as the default or was there something more to it?
My small town while legally integrated remained socially segregated. Everyone went to the same school but whites and people of color lived almost completely separate lives outside of activities that forced them together. The town itself was mostly divided by a set of railroad tracks between white and the “others”. There was a significant number of people from the white population who lived on the mostly non-white side of town, but almost all of the African American population was confined to a small area on the outskirts. From what I remember, Latin Americans, consisting of mostly Mexican Americans, divided themselves between rural areas and “the other side of the tracks.”
Human memory, however, is flawed, so perhaps it only seemed that way in my small world. My young life revolved around my family which consisted of and centered on a predominantly white sphere. My family, the congregation at the church we attended, the birthday and slumber parties I went to and my circle of friends all consisted of white Americans. Interaction with my town’s non-white population was restricted to school and sporting events. Even then, it was very limited.
My mother never specifically told me I could only have romantic relationships with white males. She didn’t have to, because the racial boundaries were already set into place. Unlike my adoptive father’s side of the family, few members on my mother’s side of the family were overtly racist. As a matter of fact, blatant racism was frowned upon. However, my existence in an all-white family and the rules of acceptable social interaction enforced a definite dividing line that placed me on the opposite side of other people of color. Attempts to cross over would have been met with strong disapproval from family members and friends and might have forced me to choose between the two sides.
Still, my parents have never been shy to remind me of my stubborn, rebellious nature and how it manifested itself during my early childhood and adolescence. Even though I would like to think of myself as being a goody-good (and in many ways, I actually was), I notice a history of defiance. Whether that was just normal teenage rebellion or something more is beside the point. It doesn’t make sense that acceptable social norms alone would have been enough to keep me where I supposedly belonged. Even though I rebelled, I didn’t go beyond the limits of acceptable social interaction between races.
In addition to the social aspects, I wonder how much racial imprinting contributed to my preferences. My family was all I knew for the first few years of my life. They were the familiar and trusted while people of color were the strangers – the Other. My perception of them would have been mostly filtered and shaped by my family, friends and the media. I think that would also prove true when it came to standards of beauty.
I can remember wishing as a child that I had blond hair and blue eyes or eyes that at least weren’t “slanted”. It makes sense that if I internalized Caucasian standards of beauty when it came to myself, that it would carry over to apply to the opposite sex. Combined with everything else, men of color were almost completely relegated to a forbidden and/or undesired status. However, none of that stopped me from trying to peek over the wall especially when it came to anything that even remotely resembled “Asian”.
I needed to see that there were others out there like me whether it was in the theater, on television, in books, department stores or the Chinese restaurant in the next town. I can remember going to the local furniture store and making a bee-line to the “Japanese” section to stare at the large silk screen on display. I envied the fake, silk kimono my best friend’s mother owned. My intense craving for all the Western, pre-packaged Orientalism I could find points to feelings of deprivation. I was like a starving person digging through the garbage for something to eat.
There’s also my reaction to Vien to consider. He’d been adopted by another family in my hometown and arrived from Vietnam when I was around 10 years old. I’d sustained a crush on him until the age of 12 or 13. I’ve yet to figure that one out. Years later, we tried to talk about it, but couldn’t come to an agreement. I told him I’d had a crush on him, and we mused over why we never ended up dating. I can count on one hand the times we had any personal interaction.
Around 14 or 15, I moved to Bellevue, Nebraska which was much more diverse, but that did nothing to alter my choice of dating partners. I had even met and befriended Asian boys my age, but it had never occurred to me to date them. I’m sure stereotypical media portrayals of Asian men didn’t help. They did anything but make Asian males desirable. Even though I did find them attractive, I still question what the exact source of that attraction was.
Maybe the point is moot anyway, because desire alone didn’t translate into a realistic expectation. Me dating real Asian males with real Asian families? How was I suppose to pull that one off? I didn’t know the first thing about being Asian. Either way, I felt like a big fake. Moving to a more diverse environment only emphasized the fact that I felt more comfortable being around white people than I did around other Asians.
I suppose even that is of little importance because by that time I was living with my adoptive father. He made it clear that white was not only “right”, but the only option.
Despite all of that, I still believe that race shouldn’t be a factor in who one loves nor do I believe my case is the norm. However, the potential is there. The sad reality is that sometimes race does matter especially when it involves the sin of omission. When my parents omitted my ethnicity in favor of their own, they drew the first dividing lines between me and other people of color. To remain trapped behind those boundaries, all I had to do was remain oblivious to my own blindness.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of
atlasien wrote:
This is a great piece. I don’t want to take away from the focus on adoptees, just to find common ground and note that some of what you describe overlaps with the experience of non-adoptees who develop coping skills in hostile racial environments. “I moved to Bellevue, Nebraska which was much more diverse”… yikes!
Moving back to adoption… I absolutely despise Elizabeth Bartholet. She seems to have dedicated her entire life to supporting a white supremacist version of motherhood. I literally can’t read an essay by her without shaking my fist at the screen.
Her publications and (badly-supported) arguments attempt to silence the voices of any transracial adoptees who don’t wholeheartedly support the status quo. They are also deeply insulting to adoptive parents of color like myself. She tries to make us worthless and invisible. She basically says 1) white parents always do a wonderful job raising children of color 2) there is no special benefit to intraracial adoption 3) any regulations which seek to increase intraracial adoption by positive means (instead of relying automatically on white-dominated placement modes) are eeeeevil because they mess with the supply of children for white parents.
I am not against white transracial adoption at all, I just don’t think it should be privileged over intraracial adoption.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 7:36 am ¶
little mixed girl wrote:
I would think that any type of transracial adoption is going to have lots of bumps.
I don’t know how a white family could easily and naturally expose an Asian (or other minority) child to “their” culture.
If it’s not yours, you can’t really pass it on; and I know that there are camps where adopted Asian kids can get together, but I don’t think that those things would really fill the void (?) that the child might have.
Transracial adoptees also seem to be a group that’s often ignored by others.
I know that at my university we included transracial adoptees with our multiracial club, and there was also a club specifically for adoptees from Korea.
I think that the “traditional” minority communities need to be more welcoming to the different backgrounds of adoptees and also realize that being of a certain race doesn’t mean that you automatically have the same upbringing and thoughts as everyone else.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 8:48 am ¶
Restructure! wrote:
I want to say this too, just to point out commonalities of being Asian in a majority-white society. I think every person of colour who was not raised by antiracist parents wanted to be white at one point (girls wanting blonde hair and blue eyes).
I find this interesting, because I’m a non-adopted Asian and never thought about Asian TRAs thinking this. However, I had a weaker craving for Western, pre-packaged Orientalism (chinoiserie in particular), although I’m not sure if it’s the same craving that white people have for it. It’s had to find non-chinoiserie East Asian culture in mainstream stores, and if you are a young person growing up in the West, you cannot tell the difference. I suspect that people who grew up in East Asia can tell, but maybe everything is commercialized anyway.
I have some non-adopted Chinese cousins who were born and raised in a small white town, and their house is full of chinoiseries. It looks very Orientalist, and the items are things you can buy in mainstream stores, at the mall, etc. However, the parents, who I assume are the people who bought these things, were born and raised in Asia.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 9:32 am ¶
Restructure! wrote:
@little mixed girl
So you’re basically assuming that so-called “traditional” minority communities automatically have the same upbringing and thoughts as each other?
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 9:35 am ¶
Ruchama wrote:
Thanks for your perspective.
This kind of reminded me of when I was looking at Gali Girls, a line of Jewish dolls (which are an obvious imitation of American Girl dolls.) There are three “historical” dolls, each representing a Jewish girl in a different place and time period — an Ashkenazic immigrant to the Lower East Side around 1900, a Sephardic girl in the first Jewish community in New Amsterdam in the 1650s, and a Chinese Jewish girl in the 1100s.
The inclusion of the Chinese one confused me for a moment — there used to be a Chinese Jewish community, but it’s been pretty much gone for at least a century or so, so it’s not like there’s a huge number of Chinese Jewish girls who want dolls like that — but then I realized that the target market was most likely Chinese girls adopted by Jewish American families, as a way to link their birth ancestry with their adoptive culture and religion.
(Here’s the doll: http://www.galigirls.com/reyna-p-267.html )
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 10:50 am ¶
Ruchama wrote:
(Sorry, this should have been in my previous post — the first chapter of the book: http://www.galigirls.com/wrapper.php?gpage=Reynaexcerpt.html )
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 10:52 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Restructure/littlemixedgirl: I think there are a lot of communication breakdowns that can happen between non-adopted and adopted Asian-Americans.
Sweeping generalizations coming:
I’ve noticed that some Asian adoptees often assume that other Asian-Americans will reject them for being “fake”. To a degree, that might be true, but I think a lot of is the result of being raised in ways (as described above by the OP) where they’re encouraged to be scared of people that look like them. So a lot of their fears are unjustified — or better stated, the fears are more existential than pragmatic.
The first time I met an Asian TRA, when I was 13, it didn’t trigger any special reaction. When he told me about his white family, the thought “hmm, that’s kind of interesting but weird” flashed through my mind, then exited immediately… after that moment, he “felt” just like another Asian-American guy to me.
However, some Asian-Americans really do act like complete jerks to adoptees, call them “whitewashed” and blame them for not being raised in an approved way. I think these people are insecure. For them, adoptees only represent a reflection of their own fears of deracination and assimilation, and are not viewed as real human beings.
I agree with Restructure that there’s so much diversity in communities, cultural communication breakdowns happen between non-adopted all the time as well, even within the same family.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:14 am ¶
Kandi wrote:
Addressing specifically what the quote said, here’s the result of research done by which they state that positive attitudes towards a dominant race may be more harmful to the disadvantaged than good by making them less aware:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090202175047.htm
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:15 am ¶
Restructure! wrote:
@atlasien:
Thanks. I’m a non-adopted Asian, and other Asians have thought of me as a “banana” and “whitewashed”.
It blows my mind that little mixed girl suggested that non-adopted Asians like myself need to realize that not all Asians are the same.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:29 am ¶
ms. four wrote:
Sumeia, this is a great piece. Thanks.
Rather than knowing about attitudes of children of color raised by white parents, I’d be much more interested in knowing attitudes of white parents of children of color. It seems it’s white people who really need to be learning lessons.
I suspect you know this already, Sumeia, but if it’s any consolation, the experience of you and other now-adult TRAs has made many of us white adoptive parents of children of color better parents to our children. (It’s better for our kids than it was for you, I think and hope.)
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:33 am ¶
Mei-Ling wrote:
“However, some Asian-Americans really do act like complete jerks to adoptees, call them
“whitewashed” and blame them for not being raised in an approved way. ”
Yeah.
It’s the looks of pity which hurt the most.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:46 am ¶
Restructure! wrote:
@Mei-Ling:
I always assumed that adoptees had all these privileges (wealth, upper-class upbringing, family connections to (white) people in power, etc.).
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 12:01 pm ¶
Mei-Ling wrote:
“I always assumed that adoptees had all these privileges (wealth, upper-class upbringing, family connections to (white) people in power, etc.).”
I’m not sure which type of tone you’re trying to convey… it’s hard to “read” into that on the Internet. Could you please clarify?
Or did you misunderstand what I meant by “pity”?
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 1:11 pm ¶
Restructure! wrote:
@Mei-Ling:
I was just saying that I had previously thought that TRA Asians were more privileged than me, so jealousy, not pity, would my first reaction.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 1:48 pm ¶
Invasian wrote:
Nice essay.
Growing up around mostly white people, and not getting much Asian exposure (at least in terms of people and culture), it is kind of odd sometimes to finally interact with fellow Asians who grew up surrounded by each other. It lends itself to interesting perspectives and ideas about what “integration” might truly mean.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 3:01 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Invasian: I’ll second that. When I visited Hawaii and met other Japanese-Americans there, the experience was kind of mind-boggling. They looked like me. We had the same roots. We spoke the same language (with a different accent). But we had so little in common psychologically. I mean, they grew up in places where people can hold public Buddhist invocations before school basketball games. They lacked a certain defensive edginess to their personalities that I feel like I display sometimes.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 3:28 pm ¶
norah wrote:
@ms.four – Rather than knowing about attitudes of children of color raised by white parents, I’d be much more interested in knowing attitudes of white parents of children of color. It seems it’s white people who really need to be learning lessons.
I’m wary of saying that it’s not as important to know about people of color as it is to know about white people…in any situation. Let’s not derail this and make it about white people – there is, as I gather you know, a whole community of TRA parents who work toward being better parents to their TRA kids, but this isn’t really about them.
My brother (Black in an otherwise White family) used to dress in white and soak his feet in the tub to try to get the color out. My parents ended up moving to an area that had greater racial diversity to get him out of our mainly White and Hispanic hometown, and the behavior improved – I wonder how much is in-home and how much is outside-the-home context, too. It was never easy for him – nobody else’s family looked like his, no matter where he went – but the move seemed to help.
I also wonder how this relates to the experience of kids from mixed marriages. I worry that my son will feel alienated from, well, everyone, coming from three different racial backgrounds. Of course, where we live, he shares that with half the kids in the neighborhood, but we may not always live here. I remember reading about James Baldwin (I think it was) reacting against his White mother in his teens; there is a lot of my son’s experience that I will never understand, and I can only hope that it doesn’t divide us.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 3:53 pm ¶
JC wrote:
I think tran-racial adoption only really help the non-white adoptee understand one thing faster than others – the overwhelming advantage of white privilege and how much it hurts not to have it, while people whom you love as family enjoy it daily. It shows how different and inferior you are. No matter how well-meaning the white parents are, the kid will start out their exploration of their own identity with self-hate. Some will manage to reduce or repress it, but some won’t and will be scarred for life. Given how racist this society is, I don’t see how this will ever change. That is why I’m pretty much against it. It’s not the fault of the adopting parents – they could be the best parents in the world, but they can’t suppress their own whiteness and they can’t change the benefit this racist society gives them. This is why I’m really against white people adopting anyone non-white, unless they happen to live in a non-white society.
I’ve spend an afternoon talking with a well-meaning white couple adopting a Chinese girl – I have to tell them to avoid the racist traps – dress the girl in “traditional dress” like dolls, etc. I also was honest with them that, the only way to help them with their self-hatred during their teen years was to expose them to Asian pop culture – let them know that Asians are beautiful and successful in their own right – in ways not defined by whites via white media. I don’t think they have a clue on how to do that, so I just hope for the best for the little girl.. but I know the day will come when she will think about changing her skin color or eye shape. I just hope she will have the courage and the help to find her own self-identity.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 5:30 pm ¶
Lxy wrote:
Here is an interesting article about how some transracial adoptees are facing possible deportation or detention as part of America’s crackdown on immigrants (aka, the immigrant cleansing program).
Even though they may have been in the USA since childhood, these adoptees are subject to deportation or detention if they ever are convicted of a crime and are sentenced to a year or more of prison time.
Many of these cases appear to be Asian American TRAs.
“Many Transracial Adoptees Facing Possible Deportation/Immigration Detention”
http://kadnexus.wordpress.com/2007/04/02/many-transracial-adoptees-facing-possible-deportationimmigration-detention/
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 5:36 pm ¶
Lainad wrote:
Oh boy.
I’m still shaking my head over this post, even though I read it this early morning via my Google Reader. Where to start?
After years of therapy I suddenly had a breakthrough last week ( at 39, I must add). I won’t get into the specifics, but no, transracial adoptees do not inherit a more balanced, “positive” view of race relations. I would argue that it is in the reverse.
While I love as respect mywhite parents as individuals….how can I say this without receiving responses full of vitrol? Umm, let’s just say that I have always thought that blacks, specifically, adopted into white families actually learn faster and have more lived experiences as to the depths and complexities of racist behaviour by whites ( and others).
When I was in my late teens and moved to a large, diverse city, hell-bent on trying to inject more ‘blackness’ or so I thought, into my melanin, I was always quite amused when I would interact with ‘millitant’ brothers and sisters who could talk the talk, but simply didn’t know – or have any lived experiences with what they were preaching against. But when I would add my opinion into the discussion I was automatically discredited because they thought that because my adopted family was white and upper-middle class, that I didn’t know what I was talking about.
To make a long story very short, my life has been confusing and difficult, but positive in that I have been able to observe several things that make me feel that I am actually more aware of the complexities of race and racism. I have never ( beside wearing a red scarf over my head as a child so I could have long, straight red hair like my mommy) wanted to be anything but a black woman. I was never ‘confused’ about my identity and always was proud to be who I was. To this day, I don’t know why that is, but whatever!
It is a lot more complex that what this stupid woman writes about. I think we can all agree with that. So besides the fact that going into my 40’s I am still struggling with issues surrounding my adoption, I think that I have seen the beauty and the ugliness of both white folks and folks of colour whom can – beleive or not – can be just as hateful and judgemental – and I am grateful for those experiences.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 5:42 pm ¶
Rchoudh wrote:
Really interesting essay that reveals just how much effort parents of transracial adoptees have to make in order to understand the unique circumstances their child will find him/herself in. Recently I read a story about a young Indian boy who adoptive parents discovered was kidnapped from his parents and sold into adoption. Miraculously his parents in India were able to track his whereabouts down and they pleaded for the adoptive parents to allow them to finally see their son. The parents, out of shock and denial, refused to allow the natural parents access by stating that the child “did not know India”. This of course is a very unique situation but I think it shows how important it is for adoptive parents to be aware of the unique nature of an adopted child’s upbringing. I only wonder what the parents will tell the child when he is old enough to ask about his birth parents.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 5:55 pm ¶
Ruchama wrote:
I’ve spend an afternoon talking with a well-meaning white couple adopting a Chinese girl – I have to tell them to avoid the racist traps – dress the girl in “traditional dress” like dolls, etc. I also was honest with them that, the only way to help them with their self-hatred during their teen years was to expose them to Asian pop culture – let them know that Asians are beautiful and successful in their own right – in ways not defined by whites via white media.
There was an article a few years ago in the NY Times about Chinese girls adopted by white American families have bat mitzvah ceremonies and parties. I remember one girl interviewed saying that she felt like the Jewish history parts of what she had to study to prepare felt like they weren’t really her history, but she tried not to think about that too much. The mother of another girl wanted to take the girl down to Chinatown to buy a Chinese-style dress to wear for the ceremony, but the girl insisted she wanted a dress from Nordstrom like her friends had.
(Vaguely-related story: one of my mom’s cousins and his wife adopted three girls, all different races. The father got a call from their school one day, telling him to come down to the principal’s office immediately, because his daughter was “inciting racial hatred.” He rushed down, wondering what was going on. It turned out that his Japanese daughter and his black/white biracial daughter had gotten into a fight with each other on the playground. The school was interpreting a fight between two kids of different races, even though the kids were sisters, as “inciting racial hatred.”)
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 6:15 pm ¶
jvansteppes wrote:
“I think tran-racial adoption only really help the non-white adoptee understand one thing faster than others – the overwhelming advantage of white privilege and how much it hurts not to have it, while people whom you love as family enjoy it daily.”
Let’s also remember that the white families who can afford to adopt anyone at all, of any racialized background, are generally wealthy/upwardly mobile, at least at this point in time. Their white privilege is compounded by class privilege; there are white people who don’t have the wealth that the average white adoptive parent/s hold.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 8:00 pm ¶
CVT wrote:
Great discussion. I remember when my adopted Korean cousin came out to visit my family in the Bay (when she was in high school) and my mom was going around trying to explain to her how all Asian folks didn’t actually look the same (my cousin was shocked that my mom could tell apart all the different Asian ethnicities in the Bay). Let’s just say that things didn’t end up so well for my cousin – I don’t want to go into that any further.
@ atlasien – funny you mention Hawaii here. I just got back from Honolulu, and it blew my mind – finally just blending in and being around people that looked like me. I wrote all about it at my spot.
@ norah – I’m mixed (Chinese/white), and I’ve often felt a bit of connection to transracial adoptees – sharing the experience of being raised by parents that don’t look like us, or have the same racial experiences as us. A lot of your racial identity ends up being formed in isolation – on our own – which can end up being really affirming; but often ends up a bit of a tragedy. In the end, that isolation – even from family – is pretty hard to handle in a healthy manner.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:18 pm ¶
CVT wrote:
@ atlasien -
To follow up. The Asian-Americans (and mixed folks) in Hawaii definitely grow up with a different relationship to their identity than those of us on the mainland. Because they’re actually the NORM out there. They see themselves depicted in the media all the time – everywhere. It’s almost like they live a part of the white experience of the mainland.
I imagine there’s some massive culture-shock when they move to the mainland. Similar to my more aggressive perspective-change after I moved out of the Bay (nothing like Hawaii, but where mixed folks are much more common-place that everywhere else I’ve lived since).
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:22 pm ¶
little mixed girl wrote:
@ Restructure!
I’m not saying that non-adopted Asians all had the same upbringing.
I’m saying that many people, regardless of race, assume that because someone is the same race as them that they would have a similar upbringing and a similar background/thoughts on various issues.
And when people come into a situation with such assumptions, they are tacken aback when what they assumed turns out to be wrong.
ie- Assuming that because I am black and you are black that we would probably have been raised in a somewhat similar environment, with parents that listened to somewhat similar music, ate similar foods, carried similar religious beliefs, etc.
And what I mean by community is not just, say, people who read this page or university students who have places where they can go to talk about issues, but the regular everyday people who are probably more prone to a knee-jerk reaction than someone who has a background that allows them to understand that people automatically are not the same.
If it were as simple as all [insert group here] people were open and understanding to the various different types of people who are [insert group here], then we wouldn’t have stories about people who feel unwelcome in their own communities, or feel like they are lacking something, or whatever.
To summarize, I do know that there are a lot of people who understand that not everyone has had the same style of upbrining, but a lot of people also assume that because someone looks like them, that they have probably had the same upbrining, and instead of accepting that person’s differences, they make the person feel bad for them.
That above, is a lot to write in a post, and I assumed that it was a given that I didn’t think that all non-adopted Asians had a similar upbringing, but rather that there are people that assume that they have had a similar upbringing.
Does that clear it up?
(I also read over my post about 10xs to make sure that what I wrote was crystal clear, but since I’m only me, what makes perfect sense to me, maybe isn’t clearly passed on to someone reading it???)
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 12:29 am ¶
Jessica wrote:
i’m going to ask what i feel is an incorrect question, because i don’t know the answer and am looking for help.
while i agree that all of the problems people have discussed here are serious, valid problems might they be ‘better problems’ than the alternative of growing up in the foster care system?
i’m still young, but i believe i would like to adopt children. as a result of the reading i’ve done thus far on this subject i’m leaning towards domestic rather than international adoption, because i feel the opportunity to connect a child with their (white american, or african american, or latina) cultural background is higher. i’d also really like to adopt older children, because i know many families are interested in babies and those that slip through the cracks may not find families later. i’ve also thought about adopting siblings, so that everyone in my family feels like they are biologically related and filially related to someone else.
given these preliminary thoughts (please feel free to criticize these as well) it seems racist to me to only be interested in white children (i’m a white woman), especially considering that non-white children are overrepresented in the adoption system. but i would also not want to adopt a child and do them a disservice, by placing them in an environment full of white priviledge.
i do hope to be active in improving the adoption/foster care system, as well as becoming an adoptive parent.
i realize none of you have any responsibility to educate me, but i hope you will offer some thoughts, because i really love kids, i really believe in kids, and i want to do this well when i am a parent
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 1:05 am ¶
bijou wrote:
This is something I struggle with when reading about TRA. My boyfriend of many years is South Asian (I’m white), and we have often discussed adopting a child, possibly from India, in addition to any biological children. Our thinking has always been that we would be able to better help the child to understand his/her native ethnicity as we had some experience with it. However, I have read negative comments elsewhere (on Jezebel, for example) that describe this as shopping for a baby.
On the other hand, I’d be more than open to adopting a baby that was Black or African (or from any other ethnic group), but I know there are plenty of complications with that sort of trans-racial adoption as discussed here.
It’s not very likely, I think, that we’d find a half-white, half-South Asian baby to adopt, so either way we’ll be facing one set of problems or another.
I’ve long wondered if there were any information or groups for interracial families interested in adoption, especially transracial adoption, or any information on how children adjust to such a situation.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 1:32 am ¶
ms. four wrote:
Norah–I agree with you actually. What I meant was that black kids with white parents having more positive outlooks towards white people is less important than white people (in general) having more positive outlooks to people of color. The problem in racism isn’t the black kids, after all. I certainly don’t mean to discount black people’s views.
[I say this as a white American adoptive parent of Ethiopian kids who moved our family to the African continent so my kids could be around more people of color. The mistake I made was in moving to Egypt, which is possibly more racist than the US. At least more openly racist.]
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 2:12 am ¶
bdsista wrote:
Working in a HS on the DC border we have a mentoring program called the Diva’s and one young woman who was TRA, by white parents is very dark skinned. When we cut pictures out of magazine to illustrate beauty standards and stereotypes. She selected white models and very light Black models. She openly said in the subsequent discussion and debrief that she felt she was ugly because she was Black and did not look like anyone in her family and wished she was white. It was very sad and all the young women were very supportive of her but it was clear that she was going to need some serious therapy, especially feeling that way in the DC metro area.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 8:37 am ¶
Lainad wrote:
Jessica,
I wrote a piece over at Blogher a few weeks ago and one of the commenters was someone that struggled with that same issue. She was thinking about adopting transraciallybut because of certain family members who held racist views, decided not to.
When I first read her comment, I admit I was taken aback a bit, but I do think that she did the right thing. She knew that to raise a child in that environment was not the best thing, that her family members were not going to change overnight, and that it would probably cause her family and the child a great deal of turmoil.
I think that it is good that you are mulling these issues over now – way before you begin the adoption process. Eventually you are going to have to decide what is the best situation in which to raise a child. You might come to a decision that you aren’t that comfortable with, but it ultimately might be the best decision. Hope this helps!
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 9:17 am ¶
mzk wrote:
“…I could find points to feelings of deprivation. I was like a starving person digging through the garbage for something to eat.”
Definitely can relate to that statement! People don’t understand, especially it seems parents of adopted children how important race is to everyone else…even if they themselves are “colour blind” or it just doesn’t matter to them. The fact is the world does see race, and trying to raise a child to be white when they’re not is cruel. Not exposing them to their own culture and leaving them to work out for themselves where they are supposed to belong long after they probably should have figured it out is an act that I know I personally probably will never forgive my white mother for.
I remember as a child, although never hearing directly that black wasn’t beautiful, the thought of ever marrying and having children with anything other than a white man never even crossed my mind. As I got older, and the idea of dating something other than white did enter into my thoughts, I was cautioned by my mother to not date “1st generation” immigrants because they were all supposedly violent towards women, and culturally retarded in comparison to the rest. I now see this for the bullshit it truly is. Everyones true colours do eventually shine through. Although never blatantly racist, I’ve heard enough things come out of that woman’s mouth that leads me to believe she too like so many others of her kind suffer from what I call a “white is right” complex.
The funny thing is, for all her efforts, they did eventually backfire. As confusing as my place may be in society, I do not see it ever as belonging in the white community. The though of integrating with white people on the level of marrying and having children with them would I believe cause further damage to my soul. Having grown up in a white family, I do however see it as being beneficial in handling them. I’m seen as less of a threat, and I admit I do play into that for my benefit.
I don’t really think that white people adopting children of different ethnicities very often makes them more understanding or better white people. They feel like they’ve saved these children from something that in actually they so desperately need. I’ve tried explaining this to my white mother on numerous occasions, but she has yet to get it. Unfortunately in the end it is up to the child to work things out, and at least in my situation It hasn’t always left me with a great opinion of white people.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 9:32 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Jessica: I don’t think that’s an incorrect question so much as an unnecessarily loaded one… let’s look at it this way. The foster care system is a series of safety nets for children whose parents cannot or will not take care of them. The extended family is the first safety net… if it works right, the foster care system doesn’t need to be involved at all. The next safety net is a foster or adoptive family that fills the main needs of the child in terms of care, safety, cultural needs, keeping in touch with roots. Usually this means it’s as close geographically to the original family as possible. The next safety net is a family that fills some but not all of those needs, and so on.
E.g. choosing among families for an African-American child with autism, it would be hard to tell what would be better, an AA family with no experience with parenting children with autism or a white family with lots of experience and resources. But an AA family with experience would probably be the best.
The whole system is complicated by the fact that 1) the people placing the children into the safety nets are overworked, underpaid and extremely fallible 2) the safety nets break all the time 3) it doesn’t fix the root socioeconomic causes of why children are abused and neglected in the first place, so it just keeps on going and going.
So a child of color being adopted by a white family is probably a better and more reliable safety net than being shuttled around from temporary foster home to foster home… but it’s also worse than other potential safety nets. It’s all relative and hypothetical because the needs of these children are so different (although the need for safety and stability is always number one). There are abusive and neglectful foster and adoptive homes as well, and sometimes permanent foster families or group homes are really preferable for the child.
Elizabeth Bartholet prefers a more simplistic formula that boils down to “all children not adopted by white parents fall into the pit of outer darkness!”
I’m not even going to touch international adoption in all this… as many problems as the foster care system has, it least those problems are visible right on the surface, and it’s not ruled by the free market.
That being said, I hope you do end up adopting and joining the club! Like you, I worked through a lot of these issues in my own adoption process (foster care, older child) and really thought about them in detail.
@Bijou: I’m an adoptive parent in an interracial relationship with a transracially adopted son. Our situation as a couple is a lot more common than you might think. There’s a woman with the nickname “Psychobabbler” who comments a lot at Harlow’s Monkey and Resist Racism… she’s a white woman married to an NRI and they adopted from India.
I think Asian parents who don’t want to adopt internationally face a major issue. 1) there are not many Asian children in the system 2) the Asian children that are in the system are in high demand by white parents (I refuse to sugarcoat the commodification and racial hierarchies involved in all this) 3) social workers have little idea how to categorize us as parents because we don’t fit into the black/white binary.
My husband and I decided to just be open to any race of placement.. knowing that that meant, in our region, that the placement would almost certainly be African-American, and that’s what happened.
I didn’t have much of a problem deciding on an “any race” placement because we live in a diverse and majority-black neighborhood. I think many adoptive parents massively overestimate their control over the child’s environment. I think a TRA with clueless white adoptive parents in a diverse neighborhood is probably better off than a TRA with clueful parents in a 99% white area… see Norah’s anecdote above.
I know some white parents online who decided they would only check the “white” box during the process. They looked around where they lived, took an honest inventory, and decided their lifestyle and community would not meet the needs of a child of color. I can respect that as an ethical decision.
When it comes to interracial couples, I think each parent should think through these things separately, and then make an informed decision together. In reality, it almost always becomes the responsibility of one partner (and with hetero couples, 99% of the time that means the mother).
I would suggest joining a group (search on Yahoo! Groups) for NRI or South Asian adoptive parents. You’ll almost certainly find white women married to South Asian men on there.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 9:34 am ¶
lunanoire wrote:
Perhaps one challenge w/ white parents participating in TRA is that some are blind to their culture and the importance of culture, so cultural transmission is not approached as seriously and as regularly as it could be.
Another form of privilege.
A TRA former classmate said that after she publicly spoke about her experience on a panel Korean and Korean American students approached her more warmly than before.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 10:21 am ¶
PPR_Scribe wrote:
“while i agree that all of the problems people have discussed here are serious, valid problems might they be ‘better problems’ than the alternative of growing up in the foster care system?”
Our questioning has to extend further back than this. We need to critically examine *whose* kids are in the foster care system and *why*. Then we could get to the point where we can truly discuss the full range of family options for children and youth.
The other issue is the perception–very faulty according to all available statistics–that the problems of minority children in foster care would disappear if more White parents choosing adoption would adopt/be allowed to adopt them. There has never been such a demand for “domestic” Black and Latin@ children from White prospective adoptees that this could put much of a dent in the foster care system’s disproportionate number of these kids.
Dorothy Roberts has written extensively on these issues if you are interested in further reading.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 11:31 am ¶
PPR_Scribe wrote:
Lainad,
Your comment made me think of something I have thought about from time to time. (Don’t know if it’s original to me or not–probably not.)
Often the “Adoption Story” (the narrative told by adoptive parents to their adopted children) is spoken about as something that is to benefit the child, like in order to help them fill in missing spaces. But I think that actually the Story might be a narrative more for the sake of the parents themselves.
The idea of transracial adoptees (and biracial children as well) being racial “bridges” seems to be in this tradition–something that seems on the outset to be about the adoptee/biracial individual, but really is more for the benefit of the parents’ narrative continuity….
Am I off, in your opinion?
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 11:36 am ¶
Michelle @ Bridge Co wrote:
There are so many things I want to say but let me just start with the some of the inaccuracies about adoption. Some how adoption is being equated for the child as adoption OR foster care. While that may be true for a number of children, many adoptions if not most have absolutely nothing to do with the foster care system. Nor are most adoptions in the US, international. Most are domestic rather than international, through an agency, an attorney, or foster care or a combination. (And there are still kids leaving the US to be adopted abroad- mostly African-American newborns. )
Often this transracial adoption debate, which is complex, gets turned into the ” poor” children of color will languish in the foster care system if we don’t let White people adopt. Except, there are probably more transracial adoptions of newborn babies never in the foster care system who are being transracially adopted than children in the foster care system. And since they passed MEPA/IEPA so White people could adopt children of color without “race’ being a factor, the numbers have not really changed in the time Black children are in foster care as opposed to White children. ( There are numerous studies some better than others but a couple places to read up on the topic is the Evan B. Donaldson institute and NACAC ( North American Council on Adoptable Children) .
And the truth is , with effort, there is always a line for healthy newborns, no matter what race they are. True, the line is longer for White babies than Black babies but nevertheless, there is a line of waiting hoping potential adoptive parents.
Children in foster care available for adoption are rarely babies. They are usually older than toddlers. And they are rarely ” healthy”. By that I specifically mean the child would not be in the foster care system UNLESS they were abandoned, neglected ( read : in utero drug exposure mostly), or abused. Thus, these children are older and have suffered a specific enough trauma to be removed from their biological parent(s). There are many wonderful and resislent children in foster care but many potential parents are scared to go near that system for some of the reasons mentioned above plus the hoopla of the system.
In short, to promote transracial adoption simply to have children avoid foster care is an argument that has too many wholes without writing a full dissertation.
Repeal MEPA/IEPA. ( Multiethnic placement act and the interethnic placement act. ) These laws silence the discussion of race amongst the social workers working with pre adoptive families. If there was a better discussion on race ( by well trained social workers and other adoption professionals) then transracial adoptions would more likely only occur when appropriate. By that I mean by White parents who were well versed in raising a child of color and being able to give that child a positive self identity, racial identity, and family identity. And parents unable to do that ( of any race) wouldbe screened out eithr voluntarily or through the professionals who have to access parents on allthe other aspects of their ability to parent.
Also the voice of transracial adoptees is needed in the debate. So often adoptive parents, like Elizabeth Bartholet, are shaping the debate. Last year she was on NPR and testified before Congress on this issue. But the voice of the adoptees was not heard. People like her are influencing the debate and she is persuading many adoption professionals and the laegal community. If adoptees are not heard (and or their advocates and I would argue Ms. Bartholet is not an advocate for adoptees but for adoptive parents although she would disagree with me) then false realities of how good these children have it becuase they were rescued from foster care, or orphanage care, or bad parents will continue and that is to simplify both the transracial adoption debate , as well as the adoption debate.
Finally, children that are half Asian/ half Cuacasian are placed for adoption. Basically children of every race and combination of races are placed for adoption. It is about research , persistance, work, and luck to get the child of the racial make up you prefer if you wish to be a family that is less conspiciuos. I would start researching in areas of the country that have a larger Asian population. ( ie… don’t look for a child in north Dakota. ) I am sure there are some Asians in North Dakota but ……..
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 12:27 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
@Michelle: I agree with pretty much everything you are saying except for this:
“It is about research , persistance, work, and luck to get the child of the racial make up you prefer if you wish to be a family that is less conspiciuos. I would start researching in areas of the country that have a larger Asian population.”
I just don’t think this is realistic advice. I would rather be blunt, and tell Asian or interracial couples, you probably need to let go of that idea of “matching”. Every Asian adoptive parent I know that has adopted domestically and tried intraracial adoption (foster or private) has faced huge barriers…. even one I met on a message board that lived in Hawaii. It’s possible, but it’s more luck than anything else, and I wouldn’t recommend it.
I actually had a lot of people in my adoptive class tell me, with encouraging intent, that they’d seen photolistings of children who looked “just like me”… but most of these were Alaskan Native children. They might have shared facial features, but were from a totally different cultural background. If you think about it for longer than half a minute, how could anyone justify moving an Alaskan Native child across an entire continent to radically different environment so they can grow up in a family that doesn’t “look conspicuous”? I don’t think it would be fair to the child. Transcultural issues are sometimes even more significant than transracial ones, especially with older children.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 1:14 pm ¶
CVT wrote:
@Jessica -
First, thank you for looking into adopting out of the foster system. One thing that always bothers me about people waiting years and paying tons of money for international adoptions (usually a somewhat-shady business) is how they completely ignore all the kids right here in the States that need a stable home.
However – a majority of the kids I teach are foster kids. And they all have some sort of heartbreaking story or another to go with that fact – resulting in some pretty serious behavioral/psychological issues that can come out in various ways. With solid, consistent parenting, they can come a long way, but it’s guaranteed to be difficult, especially at the beginning – because these are kids trained to not trust adults because so many have let them down in the past. So earning their trust is difficult, at the least.
So throwing in issues of race into that situation can make it even more difficult. Likely, you’re dealing with kids from a culture of poverty on top of a different racial culture – and if you do not have EXTENSIVE experience with either, you’re going to be floundering. Well-meaning actions will go sour, making it just that much more likely that the kid won’t connect to you as you wish.
Class cultural differences are difficult enough to break through without adding race on top of that. And don’t underestimate the reality of class cultural differences, and how uncomfortable that can make a child.
And – to blow up the stereotypes: there are MANY African-American (and other PoC, as well) adopting out of the foster system. In fact, the majority of the foster parents I know are folks of color (again, mainly Af-Am) – so let’s just get over this myth that only white people have the heart and ability to “take on this burden.”
There are plenty of white kids that need a stable foster home, no need to “settle” for a less-healthy adoptive situation.
Posted 25 Mar 2009 at 1:27 pm ¶
luckyfatima wrote:
Ms. Four: “I say this as a white American adoptive parent of Ethiopian kids who moved our family to the African continent so my kids could be around more people of color. The mistake I made was in moving to Egypt, which is possibly more racist than the US. At least more openly racist.”
White American woman moves Ethiopian kids to African country (cuz you know, Egypt, Ethiopia, practically the same thing and all) to be around people of color…the people of color turn out to be, gasp, racist! Boo hiss, bad people of color! Damn those Egyptians for not serving out your noble purpose!
I think you should have understood that every society has its own racist framework, Egypt is no different…and it sounds very naive to move to a country in Africa that has a history of being ruled by fairer skinned peoples but has indigenous darker skinned people, the last colonizers being the British and French! Get real! Of course there will be colorism there! How could you NOT have known that? Privilege, naivete? I am not excusing the colorism dynamic among Egyptians, but it is more complex than you seem to understand since you seem to repeat this about those evil racist Egyptians on your blog and in comments here. I presume your kids have US passports and US is their home base country, since you are their parent. How will growing up in Egypt help them navigate US society at all? They are just gonna end up as third culture kids who don’t will eventually have to find their place in US society, adopted by a white woman who hates Egyptians.
Posted 26 Mar 2009 at 2:45 pm ¶
Rchoudh wrote:
@ Ms Four
Like luckyfatima I am also confused about your reasoning regarding the move to Africa. And to say that one place is “more” racist than another? How do you quantify that? Racism/colorism is everywhere but it just manifests in different ways. There’s absolutely no way to claim that Country A is less racist than Country B. You just have to acknowledge that the racism of each place is different.
Posted 26 Mar 2009 at 9:28 pm ¶
ms. four wrote:
Rchoudh said, “There’s absolutely no way to claim that Country A is less racist than Country B.”
Yesterday I spoke at length with an African-American woman about her experiences in South Africa versus the US. She said exactly what you are saying is impossible to say: that South Africa is incredibly racist, far more so than the US.
Just because I am white doesn’t mean I cannot recognize racism–even if it’s perpetuated by people of color.
I hate the racism here, indeed, but I do not hate Egyptians.
I spoke flippantly, in response to an earlier comment. I did indeed know about colorism and racism in Egypt before I moved here, but it’s one thing to know about something and another to hear slurs directed against your young kids while you are walking down the street.
We didn’t move here just to be on the African continent. We moved here because I thought it’d be good for all us to have an experience in living outside of the US. For the record, other adult TRAs and transnational adoptees seem to think this is a good thing.
And who says my kids are going to grow up in Egypt? We may be back in the US in a few months or a few years–but we certainly won’t be here forever. And while being a third culture kid has challenges, it also has some incredible advantages.
Posted 27 Mar 2009 at 9:08 am ¶
Julia wrote:
@PPR_Scribe: “Often the “Adoption Story” (the narrative told by adoptive parents to their adopted children) is spoken about as something that is to benefit the child, like in order to help them fill in missing spaces. But I think that actually the Story might be a narrative more for the sake of the parents themselves.”
As an adoptive parent myself, I’d be interested in hearing more about what you mean because it’s not clear to me really how the family benefits (unless you’re thinking about some kind of parents=heroic rescuers story, which–dear God–I hope no adoptive parent in his/her right mind is telling)
I can only speak for myself, but I think that the task of weaving an adoption story for my son is one of the trickiest, most challenging things I can imagine. And it’s intimidating, to tell you the truth, because of all of the nuances that I might not get quite “right” (but even to say that implies that I can somehow know exactly what it is that he needs to hear, to know, to understand and when exactly he needs to hear it, know it, understand it–And of course I can only guess at any of this. And I will surely get some of it wrong). But I’ll take responsibility for those mistakes, if and when he needs me to.
But I would never trivialize his story, as you suggest, and even thinking about it makes me think of all of the difficulties this story raises for me–like, that I’ll have to explain that I participated in this process called international adoption that is incredibly problematic. What I’m saying is that I’m not going to come out of these conversations (particularly when he gets old enough to ask tough questions) looking or smelling like a rose, but I plan to have the conversation anyway.
Posted 27 Mar 2009 at 12:45 pm ¶
Rchoudh wrote:
@ Ms. four
If you don’t mind I’d just like to give you one word of advice regarding making comparisons between countries over how much racism exists. When you return to America you should be careful about telling people that you found racism to be worse elsewhere because I guarantee you there’ll be some people here thinking, “Well of course racism is worse elsewhere, America’s on its way to be coming post racial! Now those minorities here better shut up about the racism they supposedly still face in the good old US of A!” If you personally believe that racism is less apparent here in the US that’s your prerogative, but please be careful who you say this to here.
Posted 27 Mar 2009 at 4:38 pm ¶
ms. four wrote:
Rchoudh, I hear you, but I don’t generally walk around talking about how not racist the US is. Quite the contrary–but I don’t think that means I shouldn’t talk about my experiences with racism here. My crowd in the US isn’t one who believes in a “post-racial” America.
All I was trying to convey in my original comment was that in bringing my kids into an international setting, in a country of people of color, we have encountered more direct racism than we do in the very racist US.
Posted 27 Mar 2009 at 4:58 pm ¶