Hair’s To Freedom
by Guest Contributor Neesha Meminger, originally published at Neesha Meminger
This weekend, I was interviewed for a magazine article. Nothing to do with my book, or even writing, for that matter. The topic of the hour was body image. This is a topic I could go on and on and ON about (and have, on several occasions), but I’ll refrain just this once.
Before the interview, all sorts of thoughts went through my head about what I might talk about — will I do the usual issue of weight and body size/shape? Would I go to the more familiar topic of areas of my body I’ve waged war with? Or would I go into the skin shade territory? So many areas to cover (no pun intended), not enough interview time . . .
So, when the lovely interviewer called me, we had a fantastic, lively, friendly discussion. It was fun and hilarious. We were about forty-five minutes through when I realized all I’d talked about was my hair. My hair. Not the usual trilogy: butt, boobs, belly. Not flab, sag, and lumps. Hair. And not body hair, either.
I had no idea what a huge issue hair has been all through my life. But as I talked to Ms. Lovely Interviewer, I realized that as a Sikh girl-child, then young woman, so many battles over control and power in my house were fought around the territory of my hair. I was not allowed to cut it, there were certain hairstyles I could not wear, and there was just so much IMPORTANCE placed on what I did or did not do with my hair.
As a little girl, I thought cutting my hair would be the answer to all my problems. I thought not being allowed to cut it was what kept me apart from the “rest” of the world. It was what kept me from connecting. And that was something I so very much longed for. Later, as I began to question things, I wanted to know why the religion allowed my father and brothers to cut their hair, but not me or my mother. Obviously, the religion intends both men and women to keep long hair, but in my house this was not the case. (That’s a whole other post, though.)
Also interesting was just how much the interviewer and I could relate on the hair topic. She happened to be African-American and went through many different periods in her life where she struggled with the “Natural or straightened?” question. Her hair was a site where many inner and outer battles were fought, too.
I thought about movies where whenever someone wanted to change their identity, or get a fresh start in life, the first thing they did was cut off their hair. Even with makeovers on popular daytime talk shows, the biggest way to make a difference in one’s appearance (thereby, in one’s life?) is to change the color/cut/style of their hair.
Through my conversation with Ms. Interviewer, it hit me that whenever I wanted things to change in my life, whenever I felt smothered, or not in control of my destiny, I went to a salon. And later, I bought a good pair of scissors and clippers and took matters into my own hands. Doing what I wanted with my own hair felt like a kind of freedom. It was a defiance and a breaking and a challenge.
“This is mine,” was the message.
And the message got across alright. Not only did the message get across, but it also found its way straight into a whole heap of punishment when I lived at home.
Ms. Interviewer said she had thoughts like that now, as well — that if only such and such were different, her whole life would somehow be better. We wondered if this was something others experienced in terms of body image. I had a friend who, whenever she wanted to feel pampered or taken care of, she’d go to a salon and have them wash her hair. That’s it–nothing else–just a wash.
I also marveled at the fact I could meet another woman from any other racial, social, economic, or political category, and we could easily have identical body image stuff. The article I was being interviewed for will include the experiences of seven or eight women from all walks of life and is set to hit the stands soon.
In the meantime, I’d love to know what your experience has been with body image. Has it even been an issue? If so, where did it center around? Where are you at with it now?
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of
goc wrote:
“so many battles over control and power in my house were fought around the territory of my hair”
As a young Muslim girl, that used to cover her head but does not anymore, you have no idea how true that rings with me. Most of my life it was the “to cover or not to cover” and now, pretty recently, I seemed to have opened a whole new load of baggage with putting my hair out there. Ugh. It’s all so complicated, im trying to blog about it slowly cause I might go crazy with frustration otherwise. I am not my hair!
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 12:43 pm ¶
Anonymous wrote:
I battled my body image for years. See I’m black, 5′6 1/2 and tip the scales at a whopping 110. I’ve been long and skinny since I was a kid.
I have been told that I need to eat, that no man wants a bone, accused of being anorexic and/or bulimic, and having people project their weight issues on to me.
For a long time I felt like I didn’t have the right to hate my body, since I supposedly had the ideal body type.
But like all women, I hear the messages that say no matter what you do, it’s still not enough; that you can always lose another 5, 10, 15 pounds. That food is no longer a pleasure, but something you can control.
I took dance classes to become more comfortable with my body. I know embrace my muscles and try hard to tune out those negative messages.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 12:43 pm ¶
geo wrote:
interesting article! i am slightly aware of the hair hurdles other (I am african-american) women of color encounter, but i never gave it much thought as i focused solely on the issues that plagued me and my community.
when i lopped off my shoulder length permed hair to a measly 6 inches of hair (looked like 3 in it’s curly/kinky state), the reaction was mixed in my hometown (memphis, tn). random women would approach and inquire about “how did make hair curly” whereas others wondered ” so you’re gonna keep it like that?”. three months later i moved the DC area where the reaction was completely antipodal. either folks were indifferent since the area is a surfeit of natural haired women or folks responded with plaudits to my thick, kinky hair.
the stares and almost repulsive looks i receive from strangers at home reminds me of the stalemate in perceptions of african-american hair.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 1:50 pm ¶
Kandi wrote:
This has got me thinking. It’s not a new topic for me, but it’s rekindled my thoughts around power and control over women’s bodies. Especially control over our hair. Hmmm.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 3:05 pm ¶
Sobia wrote:
Hair was never an issue for me. In fact, I remember even having those horrible big bangs you had to hair spray in place (shudder)
But I definitely had body issues. I have a long/prominent nose which I attribute partly to my parents but also partly to my Punjabi roots. I spent so much of my teenage years trying to come to terms with it and accepting it. I would always be so jealous of White girls with their tiny noses. This despite the fact that I was often told that I was beautiful. And, as I mentioned in another post, that is why I turned to Indian movies and their actresses for “beauty ideals.” This greatly helped me feel somewhat normal and beautiful.
I’ve only now come to terms with it and accept it as a part of me.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 7:29 pm ¶
Stef wrote:
“For a long time I felt like I didn’t have the right to hate my body, since I supposedly had the ideal body type. ”
Anonymous, I had similar body issues when I was growing up. I (also black) was very skinny as a child and was teased for it, accused of having an eating disorder, and told that I needed to eat.
What’s different in my experience, though, is that after I got to a certain age (about 17 or 18) and I actually did gain weight, people finally shut up about it. Today at about 5′5″ and 115 lbs, I get the feeling every now and then that something is wrong with me for not being a size 2.
As for hair, my mother always straightened mine with a hot comb during my childhood. As I grew older, I continued doing that but I experimented with styling my hair in its natural texture more and more. However, I still found myself secretly wishing that my curl pattern was looser (so that it looked as long as it actually was) and that my hair was straighter and more “manageable.”
At some point I got fed up with trying to make my hair do things it simply did not want to do (i.e. stay bone straight in humid 90 degree weather). My rationale was this: I wouldn’t want any person trying to constantly make me do things that I don’t want to do, so why should I treat my hair that way? I stopped straightening my hair and learned how to take proper care of it in its natural state. I do still wear it straight from time to time, but I am finished with the unrealistic journey to finding the right product to make it stay straight in sauna-like weather. Instead, I found the right products to keep my hair HEALTHY. I got to know my real texture and learned to work with it. I still wear it straight sometimes (particularly if it’s cold out), but now I feel just as beautiful when I wear my natural texture – and sometimes moreso!
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 9:32 pm ¶
Lauren O wrote:
Of course I’ve had body image issues – I’m a woman.
The scary thing is that I’m a skinny, blond, white woman. I come pretty close to being what all the magazines and commercials tell us we have to be. Yet I’ve still experienced endless shame about my body. Seriously, fucking no one escapes this shit; did you see how they Photoshopped Jessica Alba for that calendar?
I have been told that I need to eat, that no man wants a bone, accused of being anorexic and/or bulimic, and having people project their weight issues on to me.
I definitely hear that. My mom would make fun of my big butt, and my dad would get mad at me if I ate sweets, so I grew up thinking I needed to be skinnier. But then people started making fun of me for having “the body of a 10-year-old boy” and no boobs. My friends would slap my breasts and ask if it even hurt. It was like, I can’t be really skinny and have big boobs! It’s one or the other!
Also, I’m not Jewish, but I look it, and most people assume I am, so I’ve had my share of teasing about my nose. My sister calls it my “Jew beak.” It gets old pretty fast.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 9:45 pm ¶
cbella wrote:
body image issues? all the time. i’ve only recently come into my own with my shape — short (5′1) with a muscular frame. i used to feel really fat compared to other women of any height, wishing my thighs wouldn’t touch so much or envying women with rail thin arms. but time has passed and i’m becoming less obsessed with my body and more concerned about my general health (exercising, eating well, etc). i guess for me, a shift in outlook changed my perceptions, though i do slip into the old mindset/habit from time to time.
Posted 23 Dec 2008 at 11:21 pm ¶
jaden_loves wrote:
Body image and self-love are huge baggages. They are issues, wrapped into more issues. I have also dealt with issues of being “too skinny”. I’ve been thin all my life, and being a black girl its just not normal. We almost always have thick hips, butts, legs, and arms. Not so, with me. According to others, I am so skinny, I could hula hoop in a cheerio, I have eating disorders, I am a toothpick, men don’t like my shape, so I should eat, and last in this sentence, but not last in my life I have a white girls body. I am also tall, and I can admit that with my body and what it looks like I more identify with white girls. I look like a model, for model’s that’s good, for a regular girl like me, not so. I was oft teased for my lack of a butt. Its been a long rode for me, I am still thin, but when I look at myself I like what I see, and I don’t compare myself to anyone else. Self-love of my body came when I stopped caring so much about my body, but started caring more about the person I was on the inside. I know that sounds really cliche, but its true for me. I used to be a bitch, and when I stopped my old ways, that’s when I truly started to love all of me. A love of me inside, helped me love my outside and put things in perspective; that looks really aren’t everything. I am beautfil, so that’s not just something ugly people say.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 1:06 am ¶
Anna wrote:
Hair, oh hair. Hair. *hugs hair*
Hair is my thing, my whole self-identity is caught up in my hair. I must havea long hair, or I’m not me. I’ve asked for trims and ended up with (to me) drastic cuts and cried and not wanted to leave the house because I am now freakish and no one will love me. Only my hair is in my control, as far as I’m concerned, and yet it never is. My husband, bless his wee cotton socks, tells me my hair is wild and has its own personality. I think it’s out to get me.
Hair, yes. Hair. I can’t relate to the issues of Covered-or-not or natural-or-not, but hair.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 2:59 am ¶
Ishtar wrote:
Body image issues? Where do I begin? I’ll stick to hair for now.
My hair was a big issue for me in my teenage years. I had very long straight hair and all I wanted to do was cut it short. Everyone else loved my hair and my mom forbade me from cutting it. I was convinced I wouldn’t feel like such a child if I had short hair so I nagged and nagged until one day my mom snapped and slapped me and told me she didn’t care any more what I did. So I cut my hair and she didn’t speak to me for three weeks. I didn’t care though (I got the silent treatment a lot back then, no matter what I did or didn’t do.)
Whenever I go through some kind of emotional crisis or just a really rough time in my life I get the urge to do something drastic with my hair…cut it, colour it…anything just to look different. When things are rough I tend to want shorter hair and when life is easier I let my hair grow. I’m not sure what that’s about.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 4:01 am ¶
Amy wrote:
What gets me is how hair is a HUGE signifier of “other”, especially when it comes to women. I have known a TON of mixed-ethnicity, ambiguous-phenotype people who have had to repeatedly resist efforts to categorize them based on their hair. The Chinese girl with coarse, curly hair, the white girl with the crazy kinks, the mixed girl with “Asian” or “Latina” hair (whatever the hell THAT means). I myself often wonder if people would see me differently if I didn’t have very dark, very curly, very big hair. . .
Hair and the baggage around it is a great example, I think, of (in Morrissey’s immortal words) “such a little thing, but the difference it made was great”.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 7:30 am ¶
Ali wrote:
I can’t be really skinny and have big boobs! It’s one or the other!
Actually LaurenO it’s not always, and that’s where my major body issue comes in right now. I’m not skinny, but pretty close to, and I have a size F (or G, depending on bra) chest, and it looks like it’ll get bigger before it ever gets smaller (hello surgery). And if I somehow magically lost a few inches around my waist and suddenly became skinny, I’d still have the huge boobs. It’s incredibly frustrating to never find a top that fits both your chest and your waist and unless I’m wearing a t-shirt it pretty much looks like I have fake breasts anyway. I never stand up straight and am constantly hunched over trying to hide these things that don’t belong on my body.
@ cbella
word about the thighs touching. Even at my smallest I could never get my thighs to stop touching unless I was standing like I had a beach ball between my legs! I finally just accepted that that’s something I can’t “fix” so wht bother trying. Now the only time that bugs me is when I’m in a skirt on a really hot/humid day.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 10:28 am ¶
CM wrote:
Body image issues, sadly, seems to be one issue that transcends race or culture in most places–though it manifests differently depending on one’s community.
I had an interesting conversation with my roommate about body image. She’s black and I’m white, and we were trying to find dresses that fit. I bemoaned my lack of boobs and my huge butt, and she bemoaned her lack of butt and her huge boobs. We ended up resolving to love ourselves no matter what men found physically attractive and had a great girlpower moment, but the deep undercurrent of dissatisfaction with our bodies and the need to fit some sort of male-imposed ideal–even though she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend and we weren’t feeling insecure about our prospects of finding a lover–was pretty distressing.
Posted 24 Dec 2008 at 11:52 am ¶
Sarah wrote:
Body issues? Check!
I loved my hair until everyone at school told me it was horrible. I cut it all off. I died it every colour of the rainbow. I hid it under baseball caps. What was so wrong with long, brown, wavy hair anyway?
I loved having a small chest, no bras, no back issues. Then the kids in high school told me I looked like a boy, especially with the short hair (I didn’t mind when girls mistook me for a boy and flirted with me though!) They called me a wonderful assortment of names and loved to use me as a “thermometer” in winter – telling the teachers it was too cold because they could see my nipples.
I didn’t mind being super skinny, I knew I would grow out of it eventually so I should appreciate it while I had it. People asked if I was anorexic and harassed me about pretending to offer “help”. I binged on junk food and dropped gym class to gain weight. Then my own mother started insisting I was fatter than her (she was two sizes larger than me) and bought me clothes that were too big even for her! I fluctuated back and forth between binging on candy for the sugar high and starving myself to lose weight – I also hoped the sudden changes would cause hypoglycemic shock and a coma. I developed the strangest passive suicide attempt ever.
I was fine with being short and developing slowly. I told my friends that I knew some day I’d be hoping beyond hope for someone to think I was five years younger than I was! Why not enjoy people thinking I was a child still? Especially with the beneficial discounts! But they harassed me non-stop and refused to invite me to parties because they thought I was too childish.
I was ok with myself until high school when everyone told me I was too short, too skinny, too fat, too childish, too boyish, too flat chested, too EVERYTHING! There was no escaping it, no matter what I did there was always going to be something wrong with me. I should have realized that they were just cruel children and I should be ok with myself. But they got to me and to this day I can’t stop hating myself. It’s hard to love yourself when your every superficial flaw has been over-examined and mocked by your peers. High school is a horrible, horrible place. If you met the child me you never would have thought I’d become the self-loathing adult that I am now. I was strong, confident and loved myself. I wish I could be that child again, she was a happier person.
Posted 25 Dec 2008 at 9:03 am ¶
Asada wrote:
I can realte to the reader in that I understand cultural mandates on how one has to look.
I come from a religious family, and for most of my life I could not wear pants (around my dad), makeup ( including nail color) or jewelry. In High School I had to hide in the school bathroom and put on my makeup, IN college I got to wear nail polish and jewelry.
Now that Im 22 I wear whatever I want around whomever.
Posted 26 Dec 2008 at 1:43 pm ¶
LBell wrote:
Another formerly skinny, formerly relaxed black woman checking in…I was THRILLED to start gaining some weight in my 20s. I always had a butt, even at 115 lbs, but with 10 more pounds I finally had a chest!
17 years and 90 pounds later…be careful what you wish for, lol. I’ve currently lost about half of that and I’ve vowed that, if I get there, my 5′5″ frame will stay in the 135-140 pound range. No offense to skinny girls, but my days of being a bone are OVER, lol.
I won’t even go into my hair…suffice it to say that I’m nappy for life…
Posted 27 Dec 2008 at 11:59 am ¶
eli wrote:
I didn’t get to control my own hair until I went to uni, and even then, it took me until my 2nd year to fully break free.
As a kid, my mother gave me perms (some of which lead to my hair falling out. Thanks Ma!), jherri curls (because perpetually damp hair is red hot), and braids.
I would see my natural curls for minutes at a time during the process of trying to get “good” (white person) hair, and I would beg to be allowed to leave it as it was.
I went natural so I could stop being obligated to go home every month to get my hair taken care of.
And I discovered that my natural curls were beautiful, and that other people thought so as well. And that I didn’t have to go through life screwing my hair up, and having the tips of my ears burned with the hot comb.
Now I am surprisingly cool with my hair.
Posted 27 Dec 2008 at 10:04 pm ¶
Joyce wrote:
Body image has been an issue and always will be an issue. But as I am older, I have learned to approach all types of issues more constructively (versus crying about it). That is what makes all the difference.
I gained 10 pounds since moving to NYC and would be lying if I said I didn’t freak out. But at 23 years old, I understand that my body is still “growing up.” I assuming that the weight has went directly to creating hips (I have never had hips before). I am now past my freaking out phase of this weight gain and have since joined the gym. It sure does feel good to take actions about it rather than just freaking out.
Posted 28 Dec 2008 at 1:04 am ¶
palehairygirl wrote:
I am a mixed white/Latina woman who has not shaved or plucked my hairy body except for about six months many many years ago when I was a teen: lots of fuzz on the legs and thighs, almost a unibrow, long thick pubes and lots of hair under the arms. My skin is light, but my hair is dark, so it really shows.
I am sick of ALL of society for their poor treatment of the few of us women who *don’t* succumb to the bullshit of “required” female hairlessness–and the endless debates about hair. I have to single out women as the worst offenders; they are the loudest, most rude, most “disgusted,” and most catty about the fact that I don’t shave or pluck, to the point that I now never wear shorts or sleeveless tops in public. I cannot take the verbal harassment and abuse that invariably centers on me when average human sees my legs.
I have been lucky in my life to have male partners that are curious at first, but then get over it–including my current husband. Only a few men (including my father, who nags me constantly to shave) remain all macho and threatened by my hairiness.
Paradoxically, when I sometimes shave my head (I have really thick, plentiful hair which is a pain-in-the-ass to wash and dry) or get a crew cut, everyone treats my like i’m clinically insane.
Having been on the receiving end of constant, negative, aggressive, and disgusted opinions about the hairiness of my body, I am sick of it, just sick of it.
Why cannot everyone just stop giving a shit about women’s hair? why cannot women leave me alone about it? why does it have to take up such constant energy in debate and discussion? it’s just HAIR for crying out loud.
As an academic, i know all the scholarly arguments about signification, cultural histories, blah blah blah, but really, that’s all, well, academic. i just don’t see any progress in the world, in terms of society just letting people be themselves and stop reading so much into our physical appearances.
I have read a number of articles on hair in the blogosphere, and they are among the most commented-upon posts generally, so clearly it’s a touchy issue; this is the first time i have ever bothered to comment because i like what people have to say here about lots of issues.
i’m saying that i get it that it remains a potent topic, but my DREAM is that suddenly, everyone in the world will simply cease to care and obsess about women’s hair. live and let fucking live.
Posted 28 Dec 2008 at 4:21 pm ¶
Genevieve wrote:
When I was growing up, my mother always insisted that I keep my hair short so it would be “manageable”–she didn’t see it as mine, even though it was obviously on my body, it, like most parts of my life, was just another thing for her to “manage.”
While I regained control of my hair around age thirteen, her desire to control other parts of my life from who I date to my political stances have not changed. As for my body, well, she believes in mandatory parental notification for abortions, so that should tell you all you need to know.
Posted 07 Jan 2009 at 2:55 pm ¶