Nappily Ever After? Not Quite…

Luckily for me, the guy I am currently dating was 100% down with natural hair. So that hurdle was crossed. However, about nine months into the transition, I got a reminder as to why this is an issue in the first place.

My boyfriend and I were invited to a wedding, where I was seated with a group of other young, soon-to-be-married couples. (My boyfriend was in the wedding party, so he was at the head table.) The other women I sat with all had shoulder length or longer weaves. They entered into a conversation about the proper upkeep of their hair, and one women politely decided to include me.

“I like your hair,” she said, looking at my curls which – on that day – looked like they belonged in magazine. Another woman mentioned that she too liked my hair and would love to try cutting her hair off and doing a natural. Her boyfriend shot her a look before coughing into his napkin. The first women quickly added “Not that I could – [my boyfriend, he] wouldn’t allow it.” The first woman’s boyfriend carefully nodded, and with a glance at me said “Well, that kind of thing only works for some people.” He went back to his food.

I signaled for another glass of champagne.

Speaking from personal experience, it appears that men – and their perception of beauty – do hold a lot of influence over how women choose to wear their hair. Men supply their (often unsolicited) opinions and negative ideas and negative reactions have a tendency to paint how we see ourselves. When I was a teenager, I remember hearing a male friend make an off-handed remark that there was nothing worse than seeing a fat girl with short hair – and the group of guys he was with wholeheartedly agreed. Another guy added, “It’s worse if the woman is black. It’s like she’s not even trying to be pretty.”

That sentiment stuck with me – especially as I have heard it echoed in different forms by men I met in adulthood. While there are some men who will bitterly argue that a woman without a relaxer is attractive because she is confident in herself, in my experience, those men are in the minority. Yeah, everyone’s fine with the curly headed girls – the ones who have loose ringlets, or cute little crimps hanging down. But dealing with kinks? Or naps? Oh no, that wasn’t the natural they were thinking of. Is it any wonder that some women with naturals actually start using things like silkeners to achieve the “right” natural look?

In addition, the way we present our hair often “compensates” for other, perceived flaws. Some of us use our hair to hide other flaws (like a strong jawline, or broad features) or to try to balance out a chubby figure by using extensions to create volume. Switching up your style can cause all kinds of issues of both confidence and wardrobe.

Parent Issues

When I called my Mom and told her I was transitioning, she rolled her eyes at me over the phone. (She does this often.)

“Latoya, why do you want to go back to dealing with that?”

That, she says. I replied as honestly as I could.

“Because I want an Afro, mom.”

And I really did too. Spiffany’s transition produced lush layers that were easily coaxed into a full, luscious ‘fro. Visions of Afrodite danced in my head, and I even bought a tee-shirt for ‘fro inspiration.

My mother laughed, and said “Your hair won’t give you an Afro, Latoya. All you’ll get is a pile of frizz. You better buy a wig if you want that.”

I didn’t believe her. After all, as long as I could remember, my mother has been forcing weaves on me. She is a fake hair devotee, who has recently started selling lace front wigs as a side business. Mom’s shoulder length weaves are her trademark, and when the relaxers damaged my hair while I was in middle school and high school, she would often force me to sit down while she glued tracks in my head to cover the damage. She did a good job – as a former beautician, that was her trade – but it never felt like me, and I resented all the upkeep. When I was about fifteen, I rebelled against the tyranny of fake hair, forcibly pulling out the tracks (and damaging my hair even more in the process) and ignoring all edicts to sit still and start looking civilized.

To this day, I still don’t go within five feet of weaves or foundation (something else that was also forced on me.)

So, while I was transitioning, I didn’t see my mother unless my hair was pressed out.**

This past Thanksgiving, I was finally ready to show her my hair in its true form. I was comfortable with it, confident in my ability to style it, and pleased with the result. My mom opened the door and was shocked.

Page 2 of 5 | Previous page | Next page