Trackbacks & Pings

1. Weekly Feminist Reader | PoliticsMuch.com on 13 Oct 2008 at 4:22 pm

   […] out the Black Masculinity Project. And ?uestlove’s thoughts on the daily life of a large black […]

2. Open Thread - Ashley Todd at Racialicious - the intersection of race and pop culture on 25 Oct 2008 at 8:44 am

   […] cases (and have already have to live with the big black boogeyman specter looming over them, as ?uestlove’s post on Okayplayer noted.) When will we talk about the toll on black men, knowing that they somehow always fit the […]

3. Election Day is Almost Here!! « BMC Community Diversity Assistants on 31 Oct 2008 at 1:39 am

   […] Also, since I believe I forgot to post last week, I’m gonna post something else.  It is a wee bit depressing.  ?uestlove, from the groundbreaking hip-hop group the Roots recently blogged about his experiences being a large black man.  It’ll break your heart. […]

Comments

1. Jamerican Muslimah wrote:

   Preach brother preach!

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:27 pm ¶

2. Bianca wrote:

   “…to make white people happy.”

   *sigh*
   That notion angers me. But then I reflect on how much I do this, how often I watched my father and mother do this, and I question my complacency.
   His examples crack me up and depress me at the same time. He’s right, though, something’s gotta give. Will it, though? And should the giving come on my/our/his end?

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:29 pm ¶

3. b. wrote:

   I understand and have witnessed purposeful behavior like this in the black men in my life. And now that I think about it, myself (I won’t riffle through my purse in any store so people don’t think I’m stealing).

   Seeing it sort of listed in this way, though…it does something to you. It’s like, we go so much just so we can exist peacefully and without incident. But if you’re going through all of this, how much peace can you really have (internally)?

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:43 pm ¶

4. Fatemeh wrote:

   This is some powerful testimony.
   And all the anal searches? Damn!

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:43 pm ¶

5. Keith wrote:

   He’s right about the elevators being dark at W hotels.

   But I have to be honest, I’d lose my shit too if I stepped on an elevator and saw ?uest in the corner. Though, rather than clutching at my man purse, I’d probably turn into a nerdy Roots fanboy and ask for a picture.

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:50 pm ¶

6. Thea Lim wrote:

   Wow. That’s a really amazing piece of writing that brings home the utter f-ed up-ness and sometimes hopelessness of living in a racist country, in a really visceral way. Thanks for sharing.

   I know I smile a lot and don’t talk as loud as I should, and for a long time wore shoes a size too small because I feel obliged to properly fit into the gender/race/sexuality stereotypes that accompany my physical appearance. And I feel obliged to do these things even though I’m a half-white short-ish skinny East Asian woman, for crying out loud - not exactly the stereotype of scary POC.

   Agree with b., what is the cost to us? Being so aware all the time is exhausting.

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 12:54 pm ¶

7. Sobia wrote:

   Wow…this IS powerful.

   Reading it I can’t but think of all the things I do so as to make White people happy. (Like being extra friendly at airports.) To be honest, I think most POC could come up with a decent sized list. People expect the worst from us whether it be accents to laugh at or names to suspect of terrorism. We get so used to trying to avoid their negative judgment we try to change who we are.

   Wow…again…this is POWERFUL.

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:02 pm ¶

8. thesciencegirl wrote:

   Wow, this is making me think of so many of the things i do to make white people feel comfortable around me. I often wonder how much moreso black men have to do this. This piece gives me some insight.

   I definitely do that thing where I keep my hands visible in stores, don’t rifle through my purse while shopping, am extra-friendly with airport security, etc.

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:29 pm ¶

9. Sean wrote:

   As a fellow “large (240lb) black man”, Ahmir has articulated far better than I ever could what our day-to-day existence is like.

   I can COMPLETELY relate to the restaurant and elevator scenarios. My GF gets mad sometimes when I (over)tip for lousy service… but I try to explain to her that it’s a vicious “chicken-or-the-egg” situation that I do my part not to perpetuate.

   Also, I’m sure when Ahmir is walking through the parking lot to get to his “innocent” looking vehicle, he may know all-too-well the feeling of “oh god, please don’t let that lady ahead of me have her car in the same vicinity as mine.” (I’m devastated that he even talked about “innocent” looking vehicles. I bought my dumpy Dodge Dakota thinking the same thing!)

   He may also understand avoiding rushing on to an elevator when the doors are closing, particularly when there are people on board already.

   He understands that any late-night walks when we have bouts of insomnia are at our own risk…

   …and I too will be 40 in a couple of short years.

   Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:45 pm ¶

10. Inkognegro wrote:

    Thats why I miss Okayplayer.

    We ALL do it.

    Swallow nonsense white folk say that they would never if they had a drop of sense.

    Overenunciate.

    Dress less casual on Casual Friday

    Have one less drink than everyone else at those Company Happy Hours…

    Etc..etc..EteffinC.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:53 pm ¶

11. amateur editrix wrote:

    i love ?uestlove. I do.

    And I’m really grateful for this, because it stresses how racism continues to exist in ‘the small shit’. I’ll be passing this along to colorblind racists.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:58 pm ¶

12. livininphilly wrote:

    ?uestlove is so wonderful b/c he put words to some shit that i’ve always felt but never knew quite how to say. Living here in the illadelph i’ve seen him spin a lot of times and I guess I must always think of “stars” as small people so when I see people in real life i’m always surprised by their size. ?uest is really, really tall (at least he is to me, maybe i’m short) so i’m reading this and visualizing him scrunched up in an elevator in an attempt to be smaller. Then i thought of all the times that I see other men of color do that in my life… This piece hurt me soul and I remember the first time i heard mr. nigga and how I cried the whole time I was listening b/c that shit was just so real and depressing b/c we live w/ it always…. My brother does these things and he’s pretty tall and getting bigger cause he works out. I used to be really worried when he first got a car b/c he worked so hard to make it fly and the more he did to it the more he was targeted for driving while black (and dark skinned at that).

    Examples from my life:

    in college (predom white) everytime I would bring up an alternate view point to what someone (usually a white girl) said they would always say “i’m not trying to argue w/ you” even though that’s not what i was doing

    i rarely curse or speak loudly in public cause i don’t want that stereotype

    being told i’m well-spoken (god i hate that!!!)

    i also over over tip 1) cause i’ve worked in food so i know it’s hard but also b/c 2) (and this has been said by food co-workers) blacks don’t tip. BTW someone else once told me that they offer cheaper wines (zinfandels & some whites) to younger black ppl b/c they know that they don’t have enough money to buy the more expensive wines.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 1:58 pm ¶

13. Sean wrote:

    “YELP!!!!….oh god you scared me.”

    That’s like groundhog day for me. Jiminy Christmas, I swear Ahmir is inside my head…

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 2:15 pm ¶

14. bee wrote:

    it is about small acts of solidarity so that people don’t feel they have to suffer such daily indignities. these are the things that make a difference: looking people in the eye, talking with respect in your voice, smiling, sharing space, not acting fearful.

    i see the men in my life over-compensating so as not to be intimidating and hate it when people say “oh he’s such a nice man” - as if he should be anything else. as if he is supposed to be scary, ignorant, disresprctful.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 2:15 pm ¶

15. Cactus Lion wrote:

    This really hit home - I haven’t been this moved by a post in a long, long time. As a 6 foot 2, 33 year old blonde white male lawyer, I relate. As a 6 foot 2 blonde white gay male. Every day I course-correct my behavior in small yet meaningful ways just to what… please the world around me. Not embarrass the strangers around me. To overcompensate for stereotypes that hound me. And to not get harrased/beat up. And I’m out!

    But when you see it on paper (or computer screen, in this case), it’s such a blast of cold water reminding me just how ‘in’ so many of us still are. Utter nonsense that we do these things, of course. And utterly horrifying to think that really, we are our own jailers.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 2:59 pm ¶

16. gr8ful1997 wrote:

    “…to make white people happy.”

    I am angered and saddened that people have these types of experiences. I have learned, though, that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings, and I cannot ‘make’ someone feel a certain way. Each person’s feeling are his or her own and come from inside. It is not my job to control them. It is my job to be considerate and act responsibly, but I do this out of my values. When I stopped altering my behavior to please everyone around me, my life became much more serene.

    I do distinguish between actions that are designed to ‘make’ someone feel a certain way and actions that I take for my own benefit. If I alter my behavior in an airport so I don’t get stopped by security, I don’t think that this is unhealthy, but it is a messed up thing to have to do.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 3:15 pm ¶

17. Shelby wrote:

    Shit. I just want to print this out and give it to every person I know. Then I want to paste it into history books, government books, sociology, biology, math books and make it required reading for the whole country. And I want people to GET IT. I want my white feminist friends I volunteer with to GET IT. I want them to know that THIS IS WHY I got so mad at Hilary Clinton. And THIS IS WHY I never express my anger when I’m around them. Why I keep quiet or wait my turn or try to ignore how obviously uncomfortable they are with my blackness.
    Fuck it I’m sick of being the little brown mascot for people.
    Reading this piece has just now helped me make some major life decisions.

    And I am so fucking excited to see the Roots in concert on the 25th.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 3:33 pm ¶

18. Lola wrote:

    I was once falsely accused of stealing at AAA of all places. Security followed me out and said someone saw me put a “clock” in my pocket. It was summer and I had no purse. My only pocket was 2″, I pulled out my chap stick to show it was all I had on me. I’ve also been pulled over DWB even though I’m a woman. I have short hair and I was wearing tank top so they probably thought I was a black male. The cop said they were looking for a stolen vehicle and my car fit the description.

    I avoid reaching in pockets or purses while shopping and try to stay in areas where I am visible. I am paranoid about driving in certain areas with my short hair cut. I tip out of guilt no matter how bad the service is.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 3:36 pm ¶

19. Juan wrote:

    Cactus Lion, that’s not entirely the same thing. You’re still a 6′2″ white male. You’re perceived as the norm and standard with few exceptions until you show them or they discover that you diverge from the accepted, institutionalized standard, being homosexual.

    ?uestlove on the other hand is a black male, from that start he diverges from an accepted, institutionalized standard and there’s nothing he can do about that even if he decided to do things like bleach his own skin and/or conform to every standard in order to try and hide himself as it were.

    He didn’t create his own prison. Nor did you for yourself.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 4:07 pm ¶

20. gatamala wrote:

    Damn, to “know” but to see it spelled out so clearly is a kick in the balls.

    b~ yes, I keep my hands in plain sight at the jewelry counter. I refuse the bag (save a tree, right?), but tape/staple/rubber band the receipt.

    Sean-20% minimum black tax. Our gratuities aren’t gratuitous.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 4:09 pm ¶

21. Antonio wrote:

    I can relate to a lot that he said as 5′11, 185, somewhat lightskinned black male. A lot of times I give white people extra space walking through parking lots and grocery stores. As irrational as it sounds, I wonder if white people think I’m following them when I’m driving behind them and we’re headed to the same place. I have social anxiety and am something of a loner anyway, so it doesn’t bother me if they’re a little hesitant to talk me.

    Fuck overtipping. I read a college messageboard and the #1 consistent subject is undertipping, especially by colored people and many of them try to justify their shitty service by pointing out how often they’re right (how would they know?) and even saying that black waiters don’t like serving black people. I don’t care if 90% of black patrons spit in their faces, I deserve equal service and if they don’t give it to me, the tip will reflect that (as it will for good service).

    Going back to “the chicken and the egg” thing, sometimes I wonder if I’d ever done all this overcompensation if someone else hadn’t point out all this stuff to me.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 5:05 pm ¶

22. Celeste wrote:

    Awesome post! I overtip, too. Bascially, you have to spit in my food in front of me to get less than 15% It’s kinda of funny to reward people stereotyping you with money, but I don’t see any other way to fight this misconception

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 5:13 pm ¶

23. Numa wrote:

    It’s testimonies like the one above that make it clear how profound the effect of being the ‘other’ can have on you and your life. While I’m not confronted with outright racism very often, the fact that I feel I have to adjust my behaviour/appearance so as not to get hassled or cause fear in others makes it clear that racial prejudice still has a huge impact on my life and how I live it.

    It’s little injustices like these that add up and make me so frustrated with the way the majority (white people) view racism. I just hate the way some of my white friends seem so baffled at how angry I get about perceived racism when they’re convinced that racism isn’t an issue unless someone is using racial slurs. They just don’t get how pervasive it still is, they don’t get the anger and frustration.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 6:05 pm ¶

24. Asada wrote:

    will someone please explain the “innocent car” statement? I don’t understand, does he not want to by an expensive car because he’s afraid someone will thing he used “street money” to pay for it? And how does that appy to not buying a prius? I’ts been awhile, I dont understand half the slang he’s using.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 7:36 pm ¶

25. jaden_loves wrote:

    This made me cry. Life is so hard. How did it get this way? I totally agree with ?love and his sentiments. I can definitely relate, only in the since that it won’t get you arrested and so forth, though. However, I do feel that it is not my job to vanquish stereotypes and therefore someone else’s ignorance. Once I stopped TRYING(I don’t think I ever succeeded) my life became so much more happier. No matter whether it is racial or not, we cannot live our lives for other people. If you want to do something, do it, who gives a fuck what others think. It is okay to be considerate of others, but not to the point that it drives you crazy.I am still working on not talking in a different accent, dressing differently and making sure my posture is correct when I know I am going to be around or am around white people. Part of the reason why I feel that this is a hopeless cause, among that it is not my position to stop ignorance(they must learn that on their own) I think white people actually, secretly admire some thing POC do, that is why they take our special characteristics and turn it into a cliche and a stereotype and reduce us to that and that only.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 7:46 pm ¶

26. merq wrote:

    This is my life.

    Another member of the Large Black Man club here.

    Elevator “sweetness”
    Raising the voice an octave
    All that other nonsense (except, thankfully, the cavity searches).

    I will say, though, that I finally broke the “tip well for bad service” thing, ’cause I realized I was rewarding my own mistreatment, rather than “teaching them a lesson.”

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 9:16 pm ¶

27. Juan wrote:

    Asada,

    An “innocent car” is pretty much just as you’d assumed it to be. A car that doesn’t give off the quality of being expensive, too nice for ’someone like him’, a two-door, sleek, clean in appearance (unless it’s obviously real dirty or broken down), a relatively new model on the market, a convertible, considered classy or sophisticated, compact, or an import, etc. etc. etc.

    If it’s old, or dumpy looking or inexpensive or low class looking then it’s ‘innocent’ that it won’t raise the eyebrows of whites the moment they see you with it. Especially certain whites (and sometimes PoC who also flash the badge) who have the authority to pull you over.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 9:28 pm ¶

28. August wrote:

    Wow. This really hit home for me. I do the same as many here, as far as keeping my hands visible while in stores, being extra friendly and nonthreatening with security and police officers, and being ultra-aware of what small goods are in my hands while in a store and not to hold them to closely to my body. I don’t usually think about it, it’s just second nature at this point. Even though I’m female, I have short hair and a rather androgynous face and dress, so most people assume that I’m a young black male; which I especially keep in mind whenever I’m in an elevator or some other similar scenario.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 9:31 pm ¶

29. CJsDaddy wrote:

    ?uestlove, et al. I hope no one finds this patronizing, but I just wanted to tell you that this post is eye opening for me. I don’t know what else to say except that I’m sorry you endure this.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 9:48 pm ¶

30. Cactus Lion wrote:

    Juan

    I agree with you that it’s not entirely the same thing - and really, it may be more different than the same. But respectfully, my first point was that I can relate to his experience. Not saying our experiences are interchangeable, but I recognize a lot of the same bullshit in my own life and my (gay) friends’ lives in ?uest’s. Just plays out in different ways. I don’t want to list it all out but I’ll give you a few examples…. I often fold the covers of (gay) magazines I read when I’m on the tube, wanting to avoid the telegraphed discomfort of whoever happens to be pressed up against me that they have no option but to be pushed into the gay man every time the train jerks - don’t want them thinking they’re ‘rubbing’ against ‘the horny me’ because there’s two shirtless men on the cover; in fact, I fold back magazine covers on trains, planes and benches; sometimes I skip past an article I want to read because of pictures in ads (because of pictures in ads!!!); sometimes I don’t even pull out the magazine and pull out the same dog-eared copy of the Economist or Rolling Stone that I’ve read three times by now just because I don’t want to make the people around me wait two minutes (to make it look unrelated) before moving seats so they can avoid the homosexual picture bomb that is that month’s issue of Genre… and I leave those magazines behind when I go on business trips to the Gulf Region just in case god forbid my bags get checked… I absolutely never walk hand in hand with my boyfriend in the park because parks + gay men = cruising; I never walk hand in hand in any area where 12-16 year olds congregate like, say, a mall, because heckling sucks and post-heckling most people who witnessed the heckling just want the two gay guys to move it on away; I don’t hold hands at dark in 90% of the city because of the toxic, heady combination potential of cruising stereotype meets heckling meets getting beaten up… and yeah, if I’m holding hands in an elevator, that hand gets dropped double-time if someone stops to get on… take a map of any city in America not on the coast and fold it in half, keep folding it in half and half again until you’re left with the tiniest, thickest square, and that’s usually the only spot where I would feel not like an animal in the zoo if I kissed my boyfriend in public… I voice-modulate until I sound like Don Draper from Mad Men and never lean in too close when I have drinks one-on-one with straight male colleagues who know I’m gay so that nothing is ever left to their imagination…I voice-modulate a lot… I change topics of conversation before they even come up… in locker rooms with straight friends I take the farthest shower, I take the quickest shower, I have on more than one occasion purposefully gotten shampoo in my eyes, I stare at the ground, I towel-dry extra-quick like I’m on grease-fire, I don’t speak until spoken to and I make unblinking eye contact if I do have to have a conversation because - gay man in the locker room!… I am extra-polite around little boys not because I would never be polite around any kids but because I know a lot of parents watch me around their boys more than they watch their boys around me… I go to out to dinner with my friends and we tip out our asses - not because people think gay people don’t tip well but partly because people expect us to tip well - a twisted-’good’ stereotype that on some level we want to keep in the air because it’s one of our few ‘good’ ones… OK the list goes on but this post is way too long already so I will cut it short! Apologies for rambling I will close it off

    Juan when I say I can relate - just bopping around living my life there are adjustments I make - yeah, I feel like I can relate. I guess I don’t find it ultimately distinguishing that theoretically a gay man can pass as a straight man whereas someone like ?uestlove is instantly recognizable as a large black man, which I think is part of your point, because ‘passing’ is moot when I live my life. I very much do appreciate the contrasts between racial and sexual-orientation/gender identity contexts, but the wear and tear of doing all these things amounts to the same sort of exhaustion.

    You’re right Juan when you say we didn’t create these prisons ourselves. But I still think we are our own jailers. To paraphrase Radiohead, it’s because we do it to ourselves.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 9:53 pm ¶

31. adam wrote:

    this is great- i want to print it up and post it all around town.

    juan- lots of queer people are immediately perceived as such, we can’t all ‘pass’ as straight.
    but,
    cactus lion- as a white gay man, and as someone who lived for many years as a visibly transgender person (in comparison moving through the world as a gay man is a freakin piece of cake)- i would say that it’s not at all the same as moving through the world as a racialized person. just for example, taking off from ?uestlove’s comments about travel, i’ve traveled a lot with a multiracial group of friends of mine, some of whom are black (& we’re all queer/trans). & lemme tell you that it’s not the white flaming queens getting pulled out of lines, strip searched, questioned, “randomly” tested for bombs, etc. every single time.

    it’s not the same at all. in particular when it comes to state-sanctioned crap (like airport screening), all oppressions are not the same.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 10:18 pm ¶

32. Thea Lim wrote:

    @ Cactus Lion

    Thanks for bringing in that parallel - agreed it is not the same thing but appreciated the ways that you showed how it is similar. I think it really helps anti-racist work for us to think about all the similar (and intersecting) oppressions that operate simultaneously to racism.

    It’s interesting to hear in particular how careful ?uestlove is about trying not to scare single women. When I walk home at night, if there is a man walking near me, I cross the road and drop back so that he has to walk in front of me, and then I walk very slowly, keeping my eye on him (and making sure there is no one behind me). I should mention I do this regardless of the man’s race, class, etc…

    I sometimes wonder if the men I walk behind are aware of the effect they have on me, if they have noticed what I’m doing, if they have any idea why I do it. I usually decide that they have no idea how frightening it is to walk around in the city alone at night if you are a woman, and that is part of male privilege. In the same way I’m sure there are many things that I don’t notice because I’m middle-class, university-educated, straight-ish…

    So it surprised, moved and saddened me to hear how much ?uestlove struggles to be sensitive to that single woman fear. It makes me wonder if men who experience marginalisation (racial, class, sexual orientation…) are often more aware of the effect they have on single women at night.

    As painful as it is to have to live like this, maybe the best possible outcome of it is that it makes us more aware of the impact we have on others who have different (or less) privileges than us.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 10:30 pm ¶

33. ripley wrote:

    cactus lion

    the reason it’s not just us doing it to ourselves is that the we don’t punish ourselves when we don’t do it. It’s OTHER PEOPLE that do that. The heckling, the hassling, the violence, the police harassment, the risk of death (in either case), those are what police you. Can you say that if other people didn’t respond so badly you would still do these things? put the responsibility where it is due - on the effed-up society and the effed-up people that perpetuate this through, among other things, very real violence and other punishments.

    When you change your ways, or when Ahmir does, you are both being defensive, but it’s because you really do need to defend yourself. The attacks are real. Standing up for yourself can get you killed. I don’t shame anyone for getting by on the day to day by changing their ways if they can. at the very least we gotta pick our battles, you know?

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 10:45 pm ¶

34. Latoya Peterson wrote:

    @Thea -

    Yeah, I completely understand the single woman fear. Luckily, nothing bad has ever happened to me, but I am always *hyper* aware of my surroundings, and have no problem with adjusting my stride, pulling my stuff closer, making sure my keys are out, changing direction, whatever - I’d rather follow my instincts and be safe.

    However, I do feel really bad because I know how black men (I.e. many of my friends) are treated. We have conversations about this too - about how women seize up and become afraid when a guy approaches them,and I tell them that a lot of that is what women go through.

    But I know they get it for other reasons too.

    When Quest wrote about doing the dunce thing in the elevator, something clicked for me - I live in a high rise, and I notice that a lot of the black men will do that if I am alone in an elevator with them. They smile to acknowledge me, and then they start looking to the left, or at the floor, or stand off to the other side of the elevator.

    Now I know why.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 10:50 pm ¶

35. Juan wrote:

    Cactus,

    Works for me. Just so long as you understand that they can be relateable, running parallel, yet not interchangeable. It’s just so headdesking to watch when the wrong stuff happens, like a discussion on black hair becomes interchangeable with having red hair or a pow wow being interchangeable with Octoberfest is all. Because then the discussion would just go down hill from there if that was the case. =/

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 10:54 pm ¶

36. Thea Lim wrote:

    @ Latoya

    I think women learn early on to be wary of all strange men. But agreed that black men get more than their fair share of suspicion.

    Interesting that in the post ?uestlove mentions in particular that he goes out of his way not to scare white women - not just any old woman - on elevators. Like I said I feel like all women are wary of unknown men in general (even when I get in elevator alone with a man in my office building during the day I keep an eye out), but ?uest seems to be specifying that it’s white women who are the most cagey towards him.

    Posted 09 Oct 2008 at 11:42 pm ¶

37. drispe wrote:

    I wish I would catch somebody spitting in my food over a perception of my tipping tendencies. They would swallow the plate whole. Thus is the reason why I probably haven’t achieved many goals. It goes against my nature to play the game of conformity. I’ve seen other Blacks do it, with the perfect accent, hair that won’t confuse the masses, etc. What’s the point of stifling everything that makes me as human as any white person? If they’re going to hate me, they’ll have to do it without me trying to change their minds. I probably do just the opposite of ?uestlove most of the time. In cramped quarters, when a white person obviously shudders at the thought of verbalizing the wish to get past me, I couldn’t care less. Say “excuse me” and your wish is granted. It amazes me how little that becomes an issue with people of color. As for my vocabulary and diction, I feel like a stickler. I want to be understood by whoever hears me, race be damned. That’s not too much to ask of anybody. Sometimes it’s a game though, anticipating that my verbal skills are already underestimated. It’s hard resisting the urge to get before you’re gotten.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 12:55 am ¶

38. sd wrote:

    I think that it is important to note that POC self-regulate their behavior not just to “make white people happy,” but to protect ourselves emotionally. It is psychologically draining and just plain painful to see people react to you with fear and apprehension when you know that you have done nothing to warrant that reaction. Many of the steps that we take to minimize those reactions are done out of self-preservation — to avoid the feelings of diminishment (and bewilderment) that come with being treated like a criminal when you are innocent. As a black woman, I struggle with this every day. I can’t even properly articulate how difficult it can be to see people (of all races) check their purses or cell phones, follow you around, glare at you to ward off crime preemptively, give the check to your non-POC companions, lock their doors when you pass, assume that you are an idiot, etc., etc. Thanks for this post, as it reminds me that I - and we - are not alone.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 1:08 am ¶

39. Mr. Noface wrote:

    When ?uestlove talks about tipping at a restaurant I almost started to laugh, until I realized that I do the exact same thing. Sure I told myself that I was doing it for other reasons, but the truth (when I decide to really look at it in its ugly face) is that, like ?uest I don’t want the waitor/waitress and my non-black friends to think that black folks are cheap. Like ?uestlove says…its the little things.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 2:33 am ¶

40. Celeste wrote:

    @ Cactus: Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 5:48 am ¶

41. Angelicque wrote:

    Quest’s words resonated with me so loudly.
    I find that my perception of the views of White people affect how I interact with my children in public.
    Only organic raisins and water in public, we eat well at home but I do’nt want anybody to think they eat junk food all of the time.
    We only sing educational songs or read books if we are on public transport.
    Any way I can I let it be known that I have a husband and my children have a father.

    I am tired of having to “prove” that we are just as good.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 8:11 am ¶

42. CVT wrote:

    Damn. This was a great post. Just makes the point so well. THIS is what white people don’t understand - that it ISN’T really about all these overt “racist” actions. That just because people don’t make obvious racist comments (well, they do - but not ones white people pick up on) on tv, there’s still enough to weigh us down. It’s the little shit.

    I’m mixed (”ethnically ambiguous” as Hell), and this all stands out for me when I see the assumptions about my race based on the context. They make me out to be Latino when they think I’m “help” or dangerous in some way; I become a “safer” minority (Asian of some sort) when I’m speaking “professionally” in a different context. I’ve found myself playing up the opposite ethnicity (for the situation) at times just out of spite.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 8:54 am ¶

43. Longtime lurker wrote:

    Hey Cactus!

    I just wanted to chime in and thank you for your post as well. I understood the parallels you were alluding to and its interesting to note that even you as an invisible minority have to “course-correct” daily in a myriad of ways. As a middle-class African now living in Canada, I’m forever course-correcting so that people don’t attribute stereotypes to me. It’s sad that we all have to do this, some of us more so than others, but it doesn’t make it any less disheartening.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 9:09 am ¶

44. Kandee wrote:

    This is sooooo good.

    I have to put on my ‘white mommy’ voice (similar to the interview voice) when I’m with my kids by myself, for fear that they will (and they have) treat my kids rudely, thinking that I’m a single mother. Like not holding the door open, cutting off my stroller, not holding the elevator, staring, whispering, talking about the burden people are on the welfare system, or kids having kids too young. I hear it all.

    So I put on my ‘white mommy’ voice and they relax and see that I DO want my kids and that they were planned. I really hit one out of the park when I strategically mention daddy, like “let’s go see DADDY!!” or “DADDY is coming home soon!!” or “let’s get something for DADDY!!!” Or better, show the RING! OMG! She’s married. Why, yes I am.

    So sad the things we must do………

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 9:23 am ¶

45. Tasha wrote:

    This is why i’m still on okp. These gems surface every so often that you just have to be there to read.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 9:24 am ¶

46. Jas wrote:

    Ugh while I’m not a large black man sometimes just being a black man is more than enough. I could relate to a lot of what he was saying.

    -making sure I don’t stand in blind spots

    -giving large tips just because you know there are plenty of waiters and waitresses who will avoid serving blacks

    -when I’m the only black guy at a party or social event having to smile extra hard and act extra friendly to put the non-blacks at ease.

    -Having to choose my words, tone of voice, etc in predominantly non-black company.

    Ugh the list goes on and on. I know plenty of blacks who go through this and it is unfortunate. Having to bend over backwards to make a group of people feel comfortable with your presence who overall could care less about your comfort level in any type of situation can be exhausting.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 9:50 am ¶

47. juju wrote:

    I really appreciate ?questlove and all the commenters sharing their stories, and it disgusts me to admit how much I can relate to what is being said here. I spend too freakin’ much time trying to not be seen as a criminal, or unclean, or lazy, or stupid (but not too smart either, as I’m just a girl after all), non-threatening (but not easy prey either, as I am female and am held responsible for preventing violent/sexual attacks)… I could go on and on. I am perceived differently in different environments/contexts, and so I will sometimes also further moderate my behavior based on what assumptions I think people in different environments make about my racial/ethnic and socio-economic background.

    This self-checking that feels like second nature, but is tedious none the less, may limit the daily petty oppression, but it doesn’t bring it to an end. You can do all the “right things” and people will still mess with you.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 10:10 am ¶

48. DivergentDana wrote:

    “Luckily, nothing bad has ever happened to me, but I am always *hyper* aware of my surroundings, and have no problem with adjusting my stride, pulling my stuff closer, making sure my keys are out, changing direction, whatever - I’d rather follow my instincts and be safe.”

    Hmm… I actually find myself more hesitant to do these things around black men because of the aforementioned suspicions — I don’t want them to think I have them, and it’s something that I struggle with, because of the safety issues inherent in being a woman around men in general. I’m very conscious of what I’m doing with my purse around them because I don’t want to tug at it offensively, so I go against my natural tendency to grip the strap when I’m walking off of a curb. In stores, I wave small items in front of the nearest security camera before I fondle them. I remember when some thing that I later discovered to be a piece of holographic foil was in my purse and it kept making electronic checkpoints at the doors of stores go off — I was paranoid, and I explained the situation at every store I went into. I distinctly remember the Latina woman who accurately deciphered my explanation as an “I’m not a thief, I have no intention of stealing from ya’ll.” disclaimer. My mother raises her voice an octave so as to guarantee that food at the drive-through isn’t tampered with out of racial animus. My father won’t wait in cars because he’s afraid the police will shoot him. While these things seem paranoid to me, I acknowledge that they lived in the south, in another, harsher generation. I also have a black male friend who compulsively wears his university sweater so as not to arouse suspicion — it’s probably not the only thing he does, just the only one he’s explicitly told me about. I should ask him about this stuff next time I see him.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 10:17 am ¶

49. C-Marsh wrote:

    @ Thea Lim

    I swear if I ever become a Professor, my students would have to visit Racialicious and respond to a post or a comment for class participation. I love this blog.

    Thea said:

    “It makes me wonder if men who experience marginalisation (racial, class, sexual orientation…) are often more aware of the effect they have on single women at night. ”

    I actually did a study that can be applied to this inquiry. Let me preface this by saying that the sample size of POC’s was pretty small, but the results were still quite interesting. I measured awareness of White Privilege among Whites and POCs and the awareness of Male Privilege among women and men. I hypothesized that the “most” oppressed group, non-white women, in each would probably be more aware of other types of oppression. In my sample I found that non-white men were the most aware of White Privilege, which can be explained by research that suggests that non-white men, specifically Black men, are viewed as the most oppressed in terms of the legal and judicial system. The surprising component was that we found that non-white men were actually more aware of Male Privilege than non-white women. Again, I did have a small sample of POCs, especially WOC, but the result was interesting nonetheless.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 10:32 am ¶

50. Keny wrote:

    I can relate to so much of it. I stopped doing the phony voice when making a business phone call though . I even go so far as to hold my cash in hand in certain drugstores so they will stop following me around.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 11:18 am ¶

51. Sean wrote:

    Celeste wrote:

    Awesome post! I overtip, too. Bascially, you have to spit in my food in front of me to get less than 15% It’s kinda of funny to reward people stereotyping you with money, but I don’t see any other way to fight this misconception

    I see what you mean. My girlfriend says this same thing to me : “you’re rewarding them for stereotyping you.” But the way I see it is like this… I’m not “rewarding” them, I’m doing my part to see that,

    1) They can no longer make blanket assumptions about a group of people because they now have at least ONE exception to go on.

    2) Hopefully the next POC who gets stuck with that server gets treated better. I wouldn’t want that person to get bad service because I was an example of a bad tipper.

    I understand and respect those who have a different opinion on that matter, but like I said… I’d as soon rather NOT be a part of perpetuating this dilemma.

    Also, I totally agree that women especially SHOULD always be aware of their surroundings. I fault no one who is active in doing so. Heck, my girlfriend annoys me with her habit of walking around wearing earphones plugged into her IPod when she’s alone. Yet that is precisely why when I’m the one in the rear, I’m concious of my status as society’s go-to boogeyman.

    Just ask Susan Smith… Charles Stuart… (allegedly) Sandra Bernhardt…

    sigh…

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 11:21 am ¶

52. Jamerican Muslimah wrote:

    @sd You captured what I was about to say. I think many POC- especially Black people- are taught these things early on as a way to protect ourselves emotionally as you said.

    Sadly, as a Muslim woman who wears the headscarf in the post-9/11 world, I find myself suddenly reversing some of my old behavior. For instance, before the scarf when I was “just a Black woman” I noticed that I unconsciously would alter my behavior so as not to come across as aggressive, rude or controlling when interacting with White people. Now I find myself responding to the stereotype of Muslim women as passive by being more assertive and not “letting anyone push me around.” I notice when we’re in public my husband (an African-American Muslim man) tries hard to make it seem like I’m in control or running things because of the stereotype of Muslim men as sexist and controlling. *sigh*

    It’s sad to admit that we do these things. I feel nauseous thinking about it. I don’t know how to turn it off though…

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 12:13 pm ¶

53. thesciencegirl wrote:

    Re: hyperawareness of one’s environemnt as a women…

    I tried to explain to a close (white, male) friend recently what it’s like to be a woman alone at night in Chicago, even living in a “nice” neighborhood. He was clearly flabbergasted. I was like, dude, do you have any idea what kind of street harassment I face daily, and how often women are victims of violence, sexual and otherwise (even if it is more often acquaintances than dudes in dark alleys)? Heck yeah, I walk to my apartment with my keys (and whistle) in one hand, cell phone in the other, looking over both shoulders every few steps, giving alleys a wide berth as I pass them, etc. If a man is walking behind me at night, I get freaked out, regardless of what he looks like. I gotta say, his male privilege astounded me on that one. I think maybe he started to get it the night I called him from the bus stop at 12:30am to say, “please come back and wait with me; there’s a guy here whacking off in the bus shelter.”

    But I digress.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 12:25 pm ¶

54. dave wrote:

    @sd: “It is psychologically draining and just plain painful to see people react to you with fear and apprehension when you know that you have done nothing to warrant that reaction.” … I think you put that really well. I’ve had some small experiences with myself, but mostly definitely have witnessed that sense of relief when the “mandatory performance” can cease because of a return to private or “non-othered” space.

    Yeah, this post really gets into the details of how oppression works its way into your daily living even when in so many other ways you do your thing in spite of or in opposition to it. And it hurts, wrenches your gut.

    LTP …. thanks for bringing it over here.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 2:58 pm ¶

55. Asada wrote:

    @Jamerican Muslimah,

    but the truth is you arnt running things? I agree, post - 9/11 world is dreadfull.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 4:02 pm ¶

56. Kaonashi wrote:

    Man, ?uestlove’s post and all the comments here almost brought me to tears, because I can relate to so much of it, but this is the post that really hit home:

    However, I do feel that it is not my job to vanquish stereotypes and therefore someone else’s ignorance. Once I stopped TRYING(I don’t think I ever succeeded) my life became so much more happier. No matter whether it is racial or not, we cannot live our lives for other people.

    No matter what you do, it’s not going to change perceptions in the small-minded, so why bother? If there is one person who is going to be “comfortable” in any given situation, I prefer that person be me. If someone makes a judgement on me based on anything other than who I am as a person IT IS THEIR PROBLEM and they need to deal with that because I refuse to make it mine.

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 5:09 pm ¶

57. jaden_loves wrote:

    Kaonashi, right on!

    Posted 10 Oct 2008 at 5:38 pm ¶

58. Kelvin wrote:

    @ Thea Lim
    “I sometimes wonder if the men I walk behind are aware of the effect they have on me”

    While I understand the anxiety this can cause, you should also be aware that there is a flip side to this coin (at least for me). Walking around women alone or approaching women especially non black women is a big no-no for me. If there is a white girl or asian girl walking in front of me on a lonely street, I will either cross the street or walk qickly past them just to make sure they know I’m legit and I don’t get accused of anything. I’ve found the some black women won’t react too bug eyed (i’m sure they’ve already sized me up) in this situation but if they do, I cross the street or walk past quickly. The last thing I as a black man (brute) wants is to be accused of something I did not do especially by a white woman (damsel in distress) or asian chick of anything because LE would take their word over mine any day. That’s one of the reasons I DON”T approach white or asian chicks for anything.

    Posted 11 Oct 2008 at 2:45 am ¶

59. DivergentDana wrote:

    “No matter what you do, it’s not going to change perceptions in the small-minded, so why bother? If there is one person who is going to be “comfortable” in any given situation, I prefer that person be me.”

    Ah, now I remember this incident from the other day when I was in the parking lot with my mother. I prepared to get out of the car when I noticed that a car was entering the parking space beside us on my side, so I gestured forward with my hand and closed the car door so the driver could park. According to my mother, the older white man driving the car was thoroughly spooked by this. She then proceded to tell me to smile at him to assuage his fears, which she did. I refused, saying that it wasn’t my responsibility to do that.

    Posted 11 Oct 2008 at 4:13 pm ¶

60. fredMS wrote:

    i refuse to do any of that. its kinda like coonery, if they’re gonna be racist let them be racist.

    Posted 12 Oct 2008 at 12:44 am ¶

61. DivergentDana wrote:

    fredMS: I actually told my mother at the time that “it seem(ed) too much like cooning to me.” I still don’t know if that was too harsh.

    Posted 12 Oct 2008 at 4:28 pm ¶

62. Witchsistah wrote:

    I used to be hyperconscious like most of the PoC here about my actions, the timbre of my voice when I was around non-Black folk. But as the years went on and the experiences piled up, I realized I was treated just as shitty being the good, cullud gal as I was being the recalcitrant Negress. So why bother contorting myself f or folk that really want to see me a certain way to preserve their egos?

    You’d be surprised over what folk REFUSE to see right before their own eyes in order to preserve stereotypes about PoC. I remember a temp job I worked while I was engaged. One of the supervisors, an older White woman, asked me what my plans were after the assignment. I told her they were to get married and start a family.

    “Oh! I didn’t know you were engaged!” and then after seeing my ring she goes, “Oh well, yes. There’s your ring,” as if it was invisible and had magically reappeared at that moment. Now while the stones are not huge they are clearly visible and the gold greatly contrasts with my dark skin. In other words, there was no way you should miss that ring, unless you were blind or really wanted to. She was so invested in the trope of the unwanted, undesirable and unloved Black woman that she had mentally erased my engagement ring from her actual physical perception. I can only wonder what she thought when she found out that it was a WHITE man that gave me that ring!

    Posted 12 Oct 2008 at 7:08 pm ¶

63. Witchsistah wrote:

    Which leads me to another point. Even if I managed to show that I was “not like those other Negroes” or that I did not conform to their drop-down menu of Black female stereotypes, my triumph was short-lived because then I fell straight into “who do you think YOU are, you uppity, Black bitch” territory. I’m not supposed to be any trouble, but I’m supposed to be stuck directly and securely BENEATH the offended person.

    Let’s take the engagement example I mentioned above. Now, depending on how invested ol’ girl was in the trope of the unwanted, undesirable and unloved Black woman, she may have not only been taken aback at the fact I was engaged at the time, but she may have started to resent me for it, even though SHE was married because in her mind, my Black ass didn’t deserve the potential happiness of a marriage. She may have assuaged herself by thinking that more than likely, my fiance was a Black man. But once she found out (via a photo of me and my man I had at my desk) that my fiance was White, her perception of me may have changed. I am now somehow menacing and a threat because I shown my very Black self can get one of THEIR men. The only refuge now is to hope that he’s a K-Fed type. But then that’s erased when they ask his profession and I tell them he’s an IT manager and they realized that I do not HAVE to work their jobs. That’s when I got the full-on resentment blowback. Folks I was okay even friendly with before were now cool towards me. My job performance hadn’t slacked off. I was still professional and friendly with my co-workers. But I’ve traveled from “good, cullud gal” territory into “uppity, n$88er bitch” land because I dared to step out of my place and rise above my station according to them.

    So not only do we have to prove that we’re “safe” to them physically (as in not being criminal, a drain on society or an affront to their Protestant work ethic) but that we’re safe to them psychologically, that we won’t prove White supremacy to be a myth, that we will play along and fake and dampen ourselves down to support the cracking façade. When we don’t, we get as much retaliation as we do when we are careless with their perceptions of physical safety. I no longer see the point of contorting myself and boxing myself in so that non-Blacks can feel good about NOT being me.

    Posted 12 Oct 2008 at 7:13 pm ¶

64. gatamala wrote:

    Cactus thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Posted 14 Oct 2008 at 12:09 pm ¶

65. Questo wrote:

    wow guys. my pal just sent this to me on twitter….i’m really shocked (touched) that people have read this. (i forget about the lurker factor on my website is strong..i created that “15″ alias as an inside joke to the regulars and sometimes is allows me to be more free to talk shit then to post under the questlove tag. i got midway through these responses but i will finish later.

    but to give you a quick background (asada i think wanted to know about “innocent car”)

    i drive a scion xb and i’ve been stopped a few times when i visit the ol neighborhood i grew up (the best cheesesteaks and seafood still are in the heart of the hood imo) because of the high crime rate in philly and cop shootings the whole idea of 4th amendment rights dont even enter the situation. so i’ve found myself in the past year and a half or so being stopped just because it looks suspect.

    in general mos def’s “got” is how i live my life. simple means. modest crib, modest ride. don’t roll with a big posse, if im at the club 10 times out of 9 i’m working at said club. i go to the same movie theaters at certain times to avoid scrutiny. and when not cheating on the ol trainer i usually eat at the same spots. by contrast my partner in the roots (bt) lives the mtv fantasy (cribs crib, trophy wife, nice whip, always rocking that “this aint out yet” on his back) but he can also “blend” in general population. and if cats do know “that’s black thought!” he at least has a 10 second lead into which he can change location before trouble brews.

    put me in that same scenario: super flossed out crib, porsche truck, and clothes and trinkets AND me being the approachable gulumph people know me to be.

    that’s asking for trouble. that is drawing TOO much attention.

    my 3 second lead is “he wouldn’t be driving THAT car”. and most of the time i get “hey you look like that guy from the jay z movie!”

    “yeah ha ha i get that alot….wish i was that guy.”

    blamo-im clear.

    the last few times the lone brother officer that let’s me off the hook usually clues me in on some “you know its a high auto theft area”…which the last time i responded…

    but its a scion xb! who wants THIS car in the hood?

    (true story….the only break in i had back when i lived in the house i had since the start of my career actually left me insulted: not only did mofos break in my car, these uncultured fucks couldn’t even find it within themselves to take the johnny cash boxset, the chuck taylor converse, nor the scrabble dictionary i got from borders)

    but he then told me since we were in a college area there could be a chance that a penn student coulda got jacked for it since there has been alot of high criminal activity.

    wanna see the people behind all the crime and theft at the u penn area?

    http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3968349&page=1

    this is why we made “criminal” on Rising Down (not to mention the wall street mess and corrupt politicians)

    Posted 15 Oct 2008 at 6:52 pm ¶

66. Sean wrote:

    ?uest… thanks for writing that, and thanks for the contribution. Bless ya!

    Posted 16 Oct 2008 at 2:40 pm ¶

67. lynx wrote:

    some of this stuff (like the elevator thing) i do too, but just because i know there are a lot of women out there that get intimidated by a large male they don’t know being in the elevator with them late at night or walking across a dark parking lot in the same direction as them… that type of thing. and that’s as a white dude. shit is so much more severe though for cats like ?est, and not just late at night… it’s fucked up.

    reading some of the comments from people talking about shopping it brought back something from years ago. about 8 years back i was briefly homeless. i had a full-time job at the time, but the thing about being homeless is that you can’t cook at home so you have to buy pre-made food for every meal which gets very expensive very fast and makes it almost impossible to save up enough $$$ to get off the street. anyway. one day, when I was seriously hungry and had no money left i hatched a plan with a (black) friend of mine in a similar situation. we both walked into the grocery store, me looking as straight and as white as possible, I went around the store and filled up the cart with all the stuff we needed. he went in just after me, looking as suspicious as he could and faking like he was stuffing stuff into a backpack. when the cart was full he headed for one door, and had all the security people swarm on him while i headed for the other door…. and walked right out and around the corner with a grocery cart full of food. once he’d demonstrated to security that his pockets and backpack were empty they let him go (but told him not to come back any way) and we rendezvous’d and had the best meal either of us had had in a long time. and then gave the rest of the food to all the other homeless folks in the area. in the end about a dozen people got to eat that day who wouldn’t have otherwise. we did that a few times until the security people at all the supermarkets in walking distance of where we were camping out started to get wise to the tactic and following the white boy instead.

    true story.

    and yeah, i know some of ya’ll are going to object to stealing on moral grounds. frankly i’d have preferred to just take it out of their dumpster (you’d be *AMAZED* how much perfectly good food the average grocery store throws away every day while people starve in our streets…) but this was one of those shitty yuppie places that padlocked the dumpster and had security people everywhere. and I was literally starving. the choice that day was steal food or don’t eat and we chose to eat. fuck anybody who’s got a problem with that.

    Posted 19 Oct 2008 at 11:56 am ¶

68. spacedcowgirl wrote:

    I really appreciated reading ?uestlove’s post and I couldn’t have begun to imagine the backbreaking degree to which these “little things” are done as a matter of course in everyday life. Talk about your (by which I mean my) white privilege.

    I had one tiny quibble and I don’t want it to sound like I’m minimizing any of the “little things” because it really is a minor detail that doesn’t affect the overall point at all. But I did want to mention that I heard years ago (probably in one of those “protect yourself” segments on TV about men supposedly hiding under your car to steal your holiday shopping, or lurking in women’s restrooms to rape you) never to get on an elevator with any unknown man, especially at night, when you are going to be the only other person in the elevator. (Of course since then I’ve heard, and it makes sense, that empty stairwells are even more unsafe, but it stuck with me.) So I think that is part of why women do an about-face when faced with an elevator containing only a man or group of men they don’t know. It’s one of those “rules of thumb” that is probably ingrained in a lot of women’s minds.

    Of course I believe, however, that racism can’t not be a factor in whether women decide to get on the elevator, and how they behave once they do, when the man in question is black and especially if he’s a big guy.

    Posted 25 Oct 2008 at 1:04 am ¶

69. Camille wrote:

    I’m still pretty young, 16, so I don’t think o do this. I’m too oblivious to my surroundings. I’m basically the opposite of threatening. I’m 5′1″ and a girl who walks with near perfect posture (my mother enforced this when I was young, and I’m a dancer) so most people probably see more more as a victim than a perpetrator. I’m black, not mixed, but I’m light skinned enough to be somewhat ethnically ambiguous- I’ve had teachers ask me, after particularly intelligent comments “What’s your background?” and other weird phrasings of the question they really wanted to know ‘What are you?” I answer just as cryptically, telling them that I’ve always lived in Ohio or the from which states my parents came. They always reply “That’s not what I meant,” disappointed, and realize that they shouldn’t have asked.
    But other times I play this up ambiguity of race. I sometimes go on plane rides with my hair all covered in scarves, saying aleikum salaam to the flight attendants after they first call out to me. It’s fun to see what people will think of you, especially since I was sitting across a pilot on his way to Iraq.
    I guess though, that I do try to emphasize that my family is a happy one. I want people to know that my mother has a masters, that she received her bachelor’s from an Ivy League university. I want people to know that my father was an engineer until he retired. I want them to know that I was born in wedlock, that my parents are still married, that all my siblings either attend or have graduated from college. I want them to know that I live in North Avondale, not Avondale, as the former is a middle to upper middle class neighborhood and the other one relatively poor. I think that’s part of the reason why I wear copious amounts of jewelry, why I always overdress. Part of the reason is surely that I’m decadent, that I liked caviar at the age of 6, but it’s also, I think, to prevent assumptions. I think I know that many people see black and think uncultured, unintelligent, maybe even anti-intellectual, so I mention that I have spent nearly a month traveling through Europe, that my mother has been to every continent but Antarctica and my father to 3 of them. I use unnecessarily large words, I take the hardest classes, I bring up the fact that I took the SAT in 6th and 8th grades, that I first read Tolstoy at 13. Yes, part of this is that intellectualism is a major facet of my personality and the only thing about me that’s really noticeable, but I know I also do it so that people don’t think badly of me. I don’t think it’s about making whites more comfortable, it’s the way that I’m comfortable.

    Posted 04 Mar 2009 at 5:13 pm ¶

70. Eva wrote:

    This really got to me:

    “However, I do feel that it is not my job to vanquish stereotypes and therefore someone else’s ignorance. Once I stopped TRYING(I don’t think I ever succeeded) my life became so much more happier. No matter whether it is racial or not, we cannot live our lives for other people.

    No matter what you do, it’s not going to change perceptions in the small-minded, so why bother? If there is one person who is going to be “comfortable” in any given situation, I prefer that person be me. If someone makes a judgement on me based on anything other than who I am as a person IT IS THEIR PROBLEM and they need to deal with that because I refuse to make it mine.”

    It’s not my business what someone else thinks about me. I’m nearly 50 and I’ve learned that I am not responsible for anybody’s feelings. I also do not know what is in people’s heads, and in reality most people are so self centered they’re not thinking about you at all. I’ve been stopped by security guards because they thought I was shoplifting. I laughed in one woman’s face, and then I told her that if she continued to get into my face, I was going to call the police and “have her ass deported back to Russia” (bad, I know). She stepped back fast. However, most times when I walk out of a store and the alarm thing goes off, the security guard will say, “go on,” and that’s that. I’m a light skinned black woman, five foot two inches tall with very short blonde (right now) hair.

    I live in NYC and once I got into an elevator, a man got on who seemed kind of “off” so I turned to him and asked something like, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE TIMES SQUARE IS” but in a very loud voice (he was white). I must have scared him because he just stared at me and inched back.

    Posted 14 May 2009 at 2:58 pm ¶

Post a Comment