Longform Links – On Fatherhood
The Root – What My Father Could Learn From Usher
As unmoved as today’s reality dads leave me, though, I’m actually excited about Usher’s recent impromptu paternal PSAs. “I want to see more men standing with their women. I want to see more men be open and honest about where they are in life,” Usher told Ellen Degeneres recently. “As an African American, to be there for my child is so important when there are so many young African-American kids without their fathers.”
And then on MTV’s TRL, Raymond had another breakthrough, this time deciding to address rumors about his wife, Tameka, and his son, “baby cinco.”
“I’m a black, strong man in America standing up for my people as a man,” Usher said to the camera, while taking off his huge sunglasses and looking his television audience (us) dead in the eye.
“To my wife, to my son, to my family, I’m making a stand that a lot of us should make. I could’ve been like any other man who would have a child and just, you know, live with that woman and continue to just, you know, play the game. I’m tryna do it the right way. This is the way you should do it. Pay attention, fellas.”
I wish my father was paying more attention in 1980. I wish I hadn’t needed to pay so much attention to Cliff Huxtable eight years later. I wish the fellas watching Usher on MTV get the picture.
Now, the topic of fatherhood came back up at lunch. He told me about his effort to get black males my age to show up on Sunday. The conversation had completely strayed from politics, but I was curious—why us?
“Well, if you look at it, that’s the group still looking for their fathers. Your generation [is] the sons of the Baby Boomers like me, and black fatherhood fell off right around the 1970s,” he said.
It was one of the rare times I’d heard an older brother admit that black fatherlessness didn’t appear out of nowhere in the last decade. I was cool with that but bugged out about the first part of his statement. I’m a grown-ass man with two sons but have never had an adult conversation with my own father. I needed answers about being Daddy: how to manage being a father from a state away, how to effectively parent when you don’t get along with the boys’ mother—questions I rarely get to ask any oldhead.
Now, sitting across from me was a brother 20-some years my senior, a father himself, and he was making sense of what I was going through. I latched on. It was the first time we’d met in person, and we had no blood ties whatsoever, but he was still a figurative representation of a father I never knew.
At 31, I realized I might still be looking for my own Daddy.
The Root – My Father, The Tragic Hero
I wish I could say that one day I woke up with such tremendous clarity that I called my father and we started the conversation that would begin to mend our relationship. It didn’t quite happen like that. And honestly, I don’t really know what triggered a turning point where I was tired of playing a downtrodden role that never really suited me. It was just time to move forward. I started to recover the optimism and faith that I possessed as a child and slowly, surely, I began to bury the mounds of resentment, bitterness and cynicism. For the first time in my nearly 30 years, I started to think about how his addiction affected him. I removed myself from the center of everything and practiced sympathy. I tried to calculate the strength it must have taken him to rebuild from scratch. I became impressed again.
Washington Post – A Dad for All Seasons
As he approaches another Father’s Day, Myrick, 44, sees himself as just another dad who is lucky enough to live in the tight-knit Vienna neighborhood of Shouse Village, where helping another family with a couple of hours of child care or a ride to a ballgame is the norm.
But neighbors and friends see more. They say it is not just that Myrick has forged on with his sons after his wife died five years ago. It is that he has taken on so many other children, too, having coached more than 35 sports teams in the past six years.
He has done this as he has juggled his sons’ needs and a full-time job, all the while maintaining a presence in his community — volunteering at the neighborhood pool, chaperoning field trips, hosting a monthly dads’ poker night.
“He’s so on top of it,” said Carey Hitchcock, who lives down the street. “He makes all of us stay-home moms look bad.”
Washington Post Magazine – A Girl’s Best Friend
I thought about the big sign my husband bought and hung over the closet door in our girls’ room. “No Matter What.” It’s shorthand for what he says to them often: “I’ll always love you, no matter what.” He tells them they might behave like monsters sometimes, and he might respond with a roar of his own; they might disappoint him sometimes, and he might cry. “But I’ll always love you, no matter what.”
At dinner, he’ll quiz them. Q: “How long have I loved you?” A: “Forever.” Q: “How long will I love you?” A: “Forever.” Our girls are old enough now to start rolling their eyes at this, but he insists.
He coaches their softball team. He helps them study. He surprises them with crumb cake. He applauds their attempts at fashion shows, no matter how gaudy. He turns himself into “The Inspector” when it’s time to clean their rooms, refusing to sign off until every last dirty sock is in the hamper. They fight to sit next to him at dinner. One hangs on him; the other eats from his plate. He fake-whines about all of this, and so they do it more.
I always knew he was a good dad. Somehow, I never really considered the motivation. Somehow, I had it in my mind that being a good dad was a matter of pride. Something a man does for himself. Like waxing a car; he does it to stand back and feel proud of the shine.
My friend put a new light on it. Fatherhood: a vital job a man does or doesn’t do — impacting so much future, blazing a path toward lasting love.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of
Tiffany wrote:
“I could’ve been like any other man who would have a child and just, you know, live with that woman and continue to just, you know, play the game. I’m tryna do it the right way. This is the way you should do it. Pay attention, fellas.”
I respect Usher a lot for his stand. He made a great point a lot of men in the black community have children but still like to play this game and or make excuse for not being their for their children or committing to the mother of their child.
My father walked out of my life before I was born, and it took him 23 years to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life. I met my father for the 1st time this year and I respect him for making that effort, i’ve met my siblings and other family members now from my dad’s side and I’m happy that we all know each other now. It won’t make up for him not being there but its a start..
Posted 15 Jun 2008 at 11:00 am ¶
Twentysomething wrote:
Yeah, I agree with Usher, but there is something about “Pay attention fellas” that strikes me as arrogant. I’m not sure why.
Like you Tiffany, I too was abandoned by my father at a young age. He came back when I was 7, and then he left again. He started making an effort to be in my life when I went to college, and I finally got to meet my cousins here in the US a few years ago… but I still don’t know any of my paternal relatives back home. Yeah, I respect the fact that he’s making an effort, but he has yet to admit any wrongdoing and has not apologized for abandoning my mother and my sisters (among other things). So yeah, I pretty much hate father’s day because I feel like I have an obligation to say “I love you” to a man who doesn’t deserve it. Man, it’s times like this where I wish Will Smith was my father…I know this is random, but it’s true. My life would be so much easier
Posted 15 Jun 2008 at 7:02 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
The only part I don’t like about Usher’s statement is where he says “I could’ve been like any other man”. That’s setting the bar way too low. The most inspirational speakers on fatherhood are the ones who set the bar high. In other words, they’ll say, “don’t tell me I’m a great dad, because I’m just doing what every dad should be doing. I don’t want to be exceptional; it shouldn’t be so hard to imitate my actions.”
Otherwise… if someone’s primary motivation to be a good dad is to get praise and back-pats, then I think that motivation is weak and will not last very long in the face of adversity.
Posted 15 Jun 2008 at 9:08 pm ¶
VEe wrote:
^20something, yeah sounds pretty arrogant from where I see it. I’m not particularly familiar with his catalog, but doesn’t Usher records a number of songs that deals with “playing” the game.
Fine, I’m aware that its storytelling but . . . I don’t know. The message appears to be coming from a pompous entertainer.
Posted 15 Jun 2008 at 9:19 pm ¶
Maggie wrote:
Strangely I came across another article that dealt with a similar topic in a Cleveland newspaper earlier this week. Although this came at there “where a the black dads” question from a different angle, it was still pretty interesting. This article from Scene, a free Cleveland paper, blames the decline in black baseball players in the majors on a lack of learning to play with their dads as children. I know it’s slightly different than the topic at hand, but it’s just another interesting issue.
http://clevescene.com/2008-06-11/news/baseball-where-have-all-the-black-guys-gone/
Posted 15 Jun 2008 at 9:31 pm ¶
DivergentDana wrote:
“Yeah, I agree with Usher, but there is something about “Pay attention fellas” that strikes me as arrogant. I’m not sure why.”
Especially in conjunction with other recent, ignorant comments that he’s made on this subject, which pretty much amount to “Black women are turning ghey in these streets because you black men won’t step up, ya’ll!”
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 12:17 am ¶
Dana wrote:
Usher seems like a pompous prick, and he preaches the lifestyle that he says men should step up and be a man and leave behind. He’s selling “make love up in this club” and all you have to do is “tell him what you’re sippin on” or whatever and then trying to be high and mighty. I don’t think there is that much pretending and “storytelling” in the world. He has barely been a father for five minutes and already he’s an expert. Please. My father reconnected with me briefly after 23 years and then quickly disappeared again. Fatherlessness is a problem. I think that the bar needs to be higher. Just because you didn’t do what “any other” man might do, doesn’t make you a saint, and doesn’t make you extraordinary…it just makes you adequate. To move beyond adequacy and into greatness you must go above and beyond and not compare yourself to the lowest rung on the ladder.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 7:46 am ¶
Ron wrote:
I think you have to take any entertainer’s words of advice with a grain of salt. However, to berate Usher for his candor and lack of tact is not dealing wth the point that he is making.
The scarcity of black fathers in the home is so astronomical that adequate fathers is what we need.
Heck even inadequate fathers at this point is better than no father.
I have seen too many college educated women with oow children or divorced from the father who are totally estranged from their children.
The children suffer so much in these situations that it is breaks your heart.
So at least what Usher is saying should be applauded because it is almost taboo in our community to hold people accountable.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 10:06 am ¶
Indie wrote:
Pompous or not, at least he is standing up for his woman. I cannot believe how much he has been dogged because of his choice of woman. She has been called ugly, tranny and maybe worse names just because she does not meet the beauty standard beauty for most people.
I have never been a fan of Usher, but for once I actually like what his saying. For some people who have been abandoned by their fathers, I am sure his son will be proud that his dad chose to do the right thing and stand by his mom and not abandon her, I will buy his new CD just to show my support.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 10:07 am ¶
JustChad wrote:
The “pay attention, fellas” is the exact reason why I dislike Usher, a LOT.
It’s one thing to defend your wife and child, not to mention talk about the ridiculous idea that the media is ripping him apart for being a man and father. But to say that “this is how it should be done” is pretty irksome, and reminds me of that old Chris Rock joke.
“I take care of my kids.”
YOU WANT A CCOOKIE??!!
Yeah, he’s in a loving marriage with his wife, the mother of his child. That’s great. But miss me with the arrogant proclamations. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do. Sit down, eat your slice of pizza, and be quiet (c) Slick Rick.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 12:12 pm ¶
bertie wrote:
Boo Usher Boo. I refuse to take advice from somebody whose been a dad for 2 months. And who broke up a family unit (his wife was still married to the father of her other children at the time they started dating). He wants to pay lip service to the sanctity of marriage but when confronted with actually respecting another man’s marriage–he failed miserably.
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 4:50 pm ¶
marge twain wrote:
By the time my homemaker mother took her three kids and left my dad with zero money and only the clothes on our backs, my rich dad had already declared us dead to him and stopped paying the bills so that the electricity was cut off. We’d been eating canned goods from the food bank. During their divorce, he won everything. He said he hoped we’d all starve in the gutter so it was a mystery to me why he ever fought so hard to get custody of us, even attempting twice to kidnap me from school. Recently I read that abusive fathers are most likely to fight for custody.
His abandonment was the best thing that ever happened to my family. My mom would never have left him otherwise because of her Christian beliefs and I’d never before been able to picture a future for myself.
Basically, I hate father’s day and I’m apparantly not alone. Does anyone have a good father story?
Posted 16 Jun 2008 at 8:11 pm ¶