You Got Some ‘Splaining To Do: Interracial And Interethnic Relationships, As Seen On TV. And Heard On The Radio. And Read On Cereal Boxes.
by Guest Contributor Alex Alvarez
Interracial and interethnic dating has as much, if not more, to do with “Family Matters” as my own family. So, in order to try to describe the experience of being in an interethnic relationship, I have to first evaluate the culture popping up all around me. Grab some Cheez Puffs or chicharrones, put aside your distaste for cheesy, alliterative snack food references, and let’s get to this.
Should you ever feel inclined to Google “Interracial Dating,” as I do not do often on a Tuesday night, you’ll find a lot of dating sites aimed at hooking you up with someone of another race. Not information about interracial dating, not tirades against it, not advice, not thoughtful writing on the subject, but, rather, dating sites with names like “Salt and Pepper.” Discovering this made a little light blink on and off in my mind’s eye reading “Fetish! Fetish! Fetish!” I’ll admit to feeling conflicted about interracial dating as it relates to the fetishization of a group. Who am I to make the distinction between preference and prejudice? That concern always takes the form of a certain cringe I’m never without when thinking about the subject, but when I see evidence of people actively going out and searching for someone of another, specific race or ethnicity, well. That action toes the very fine line between personal preference and …and what, exactly?
This isn’t racism in the traditional sense of hating or fearing a group of people, but there does seem to be the impression that the fetishized group is somehow either aesthetically or sexually superior to other groups or that, taking that a step further, they are somehow subhuman, objectified, interchangeable receptacles for sex and attention. I don’t want to advocate the idea that there are different levels of racism, but this particular brand is so hurtful because it occurs so subtly and, for the most part, disguised as a compliment. When a man who is darker than me compliments me on the paleness of my skin, as I often encounter with Latino men, it insults and devalues both of us. I’m reduced to my body parts, and he buys into the idea that white skin is inherently beautiful. And I am left feeling disgusting. Utterly, completely disgusting. Because I am both a victim and a perpetuator of this ongoing war against people’s skin. Why don’t I find this man attractive? Is it his look? His attitude? His beliefs? Am I also guilty of fetishizing, of being racist? How am I implicated in all of this; what is the level of my culpability?
So, when I approach a subject like interracial or interethnic dating, I have to first question those who seek it out and the motives for why people enter into such couplings. People, as it turns out, like me. “Love! We’re in love!” is the simple answer coming from couples tightly clasping hands. But, you know. That’s just not good enough. Love means different things for different cultures, at different points in a historical timeline, for people of different ages.
Chemistry, then, makes sense to me. Pheromones and closeness and, in some cases, an open bar featuring really cold Vodka on a really warm night. Attraction makes sense to me, but, like love, it’s never simple and never exists in isolation from the culture we live in. TV commercials, catalogues, perfume ads, romantic comedies, heroes and heroines in coming-of-age novels – these have all had a part in coloring, literally and figuratively, my idea of what is attractive. And, although I am attracted to wit and personality and thoughtfulness, those are not things that will necessarily make me cross the line from friends to… half of a couple, clasping hands, yelling “Love! We’re in love!” despite my inability to intellectualize that impulse.
I have been asked whether I think that minorities, especially women, choose white partners once they have reached a certain level of success, monetarily and/or socially. To which I respond, “Sure. Maybe. Sometimes?” I think, however, that while this may prove true for some couples, a lot of interracial and interethnic couplings are more the result of being raised in, and thus being more comfortable with, a culture that is created by and caters to White Americans. In my own family, my two youngest aunts, one of whom was born in the U.S. and the other who moved here when she was a toddler, have both married Anglo men. And, true! They do happen to be very successful women, in terms of their careers. But they also happened to have grown up immersed in American culture, with American friends and American TV shows that presented a picture of what relationships should be like – an ideal that is different from the ideal my Cuban grandmothers and Spanish great-grandmothers were raised with.
Having grown up in Miami, I feel like I’ve been raised in – at least - two different worlds. As such, I’ve gotten to sample what I like and what I don’t care for in terms of relationships. I know that a lot of what I don’t particularly care for are qualities most often associated with machismo. While I understand this is a cultural construct and not something inherent in Latino men, it is ingrained in the Latino community in ways both subtle and explicit. It’s a concept that is nurtured and intensified in places like, say, Miami, where, more and more, people are expected to, and often do, behave according to socially mandated roles that I have always found ill-fitting. That particular identity, a Miami Latina as I had felt it had been defined for me, was not something I wanted.
So, I don’t find it terribly surprising or groundbreaking that I’m dating a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant. We’ve grown up watching the same cartoons; we speak in the same highly complex code formed of song lyrics, movie references, web comic characters and internet memes. And we both like spicy chicken sandwiches. We have a common language and enough cultural touchstones between us to bind us together. You guys. It’s love.
My family, however, is a different story. It’s not that they are necessarily put off by my insistence (as they see it) on dating a non-Latino, it’s that they worry for me and that worry manifests itself in a way that makes me want to scream.
The funny (horrible) thing is, I would never have been able to predict their reactions to my boyfriend. But Americanness is seen as something so far removed from their own identity and experience, that they seem to fear I’m stepping into some void from which I’ll never return. When, in truth, this stepping across occurred the first time I watched, enraptured, as Mr. Rogers traded one sweater for another and tearfully joined Feivel, singing “Somewhere Out There” entirely by heart. I was already long gone. It wasn’t that I never felt Cuban or Latina, it was that I never knew what it meant to feel these things. I was into books and TV shows and oldies. Pop culture didn’t include salsa music or flan or Noche Buena dinners. These were part of my childhood narrative, sure, but they weren’t the guiding factors. I didn’t realize I was supposed to be Latina until I took a summer course in Spain and was promptly informed that I did not resemble or act like Jennifer Lopez. Seriously?
But back to my family. I was asked, half-jokingly why my uterus was not yet brimming over with future Cubans. I smiled demurely while inhaling two margaritas and a beer. “I’m practicing,” I slurred. My family, very kindly, ignored me. Then I was grilled about my boyfriend.
“Is he Cuban?”
“Nope.”
“But he’s Catholic?”
“Hiccup.”
A worried pause. I crammed one or seven nacho chips into my mouth.
“Is he…?”
“Mmmf?”
“The J word?”
The string of expletives that immediately swirled around my alcohol-soaked brain was decidedly Cuban.
But what can I do? I know my family loves me, completely and unequivocally, and have what they see as my best interests at heart, always. I know they care that my boyfriend and I are bonded together by common values. They want him to respect me, all of me, and that includes my Cuban family and my identity as a Cuban-American. I know the idea of racial or ethnic purity pales (God, whatever) in comparison to a common set of values and morals.
But.
Therein lies the disconnect. My values are complicated. They have much to do with my upbringing, sure. I would never deny that. But my upbringing has been shaped by more than being Cuban, than eating purée de malanga for dinner and being doused with Agua de Violetas after bath-time or being able to recognize a photo of Jose Marti before I could name the President of the United States. My upbringing is also the Mr. Clean jingle and The Ninja Turtles and Full House and the Babysitters Club series. And although these things may not be definitely American, they are definitely White, Upper-Middle Class America, no matter who consumes and enjoys them. They are, as it so happens, definitely me. And while I’m sure many Cuban-American boys in Miami and elsewhere carry around the same cultural reference guide, I haven’t met one. I met a guy who happens to be White, who happens to be Protestant and who happens to speak the same language I do. That’s just what happened in this particular episode.
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Penni Brown wrote:
I enjoyed reading your personal account. It seems like you were raised in a way that encouraged you to experience alot of the mainstream american cultural touchpoints. Alot of people come to this country and encourage their kids to ‘be American’ but then when the kid grows up and chooses an ‘other-American’ partner as opposed to a ’same-American’ the parents have slight to major issue with it. I kind of think they have to pick a side.
The other part I was hoping you’d touch on was the notion that while you’ve explained the reasons your partner is a good match for you. You didn’t touch on the notion that maybe he has a Latina fetish. Sure, he’s gotten to know you beyond that now, but, could that have been a part of his attraction in the first place. Surely it wasn’t as hard for him to find an anglo woman with the same cultural touchpoints as he has.
It seems to me that the fetishization usually occurs from a male to female point of view. I don’t know when I’ve ever heard of a group of women choosing a category of man based on some fetish. We’re usually the objects (not fair - i know).
I’ll sign off now before my ramblings become circular. Thanks again for the read!
Posted 08 May 2008 at 8:39 am ¶
CiCi wrote:
This is so honest and personal; it was a really interesting read. I often feel the same way as an African American although I’ve never been in an interracial relationship, but I feel like my family is just counting the years until I bring home a white or Asian guy just because I don’t really identify with what they see as important things in Black culture (church, rap and R&B, etc).
Anyway, the point of this was just to say that it’s nice to read about your feelings, because sometimes I feel like it’s a taboo within minority cultures to acknowledge that maybe you don’t identify with some of the signatures of whatever culture you’re coming from.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 11:20 am ¶
Andrea R. wrote:
I’m a Mexican-American born and raised in the PNW. I lived in Mexico for about 2 and a half years in the middle of my childhood. I have two older brother that have both married white women, I will be marrying a white man. Most people don’t have a problem with it except a few of my friends who are Latino. Whenever I’m interested in someone new, the question is “are they Latino?” Usually the answer is no, and they seem disappointed. I’ve wondered this myself, why do I happen do date or like more White men? I think for me personally, I was born in a predominately white city. Mexicans were few and far between, and just because we happen to be the same skin tone and go to the same baptisms and birthday parties, doesn’t mean we’ll get a long. As I learned in college, there are A-holes in all races. Sure, we have a sense of familiarity and of history, but that can only go so far. The man I’ve found makes me feel ok with who I am and believe me, I’ve grilled him about the “fetish” thing because that drives me INSANE. (I have friends who have ethnic “flavors of the month” so to speak and man, do I get on them!) His rational is he attracted to dark skin the way I am blue eyes. I also have a big nose thing so really, that sold me on him (other than the fact that he makes me laugh, we like the same movies and we love each other.)
I think there are two extremes with interracial and interethnic dating: the unknown and the familiar. Some people want to know outside of their own “group”, something different from how they grew up, and others stick to what’s around them, what’s familiar. In my case, I still live here and what’s familiar is White people. To him, he too grew up here and he wanted to know what “else” was outside of the hippy community he was raised in. I’ve lived in Mexico, dated Mexicans and dates Mexican-Americans while here in the PNW. I just prefer my dude, who happens to be white.
Oh, and when we get married, *he* will become more successful, not the other way around. So in my case assumption that’s false =)
Posted 08 May 2008 at 12:05 pm ¶
Andrea R. wrote:
I totally tried to edit that before I pressed “post” but as you can see, I missed A LOT.
Sorry.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 12:07 pm ¶
Eva wrote:
I see it this way. Life is short, it’s hard to meet someone who you can connect with and I feel that if and when it happens, why question it? Why wonder, ‘do I hate myself because I’m attracted to a white man?’ I’ve dated men of different races because at the time we just bonded. Now that I’m sober it’s more important for me to find a man who respects my sobriety than a man who is the same race as I am.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 12:17 pm ¶
EvilAngelfish wrote:
Excellent post - thanks for sharing your personal experience.
I often wonder about the impact that being raised on “white Amercian culture” - reading BSC novels and watching TGIF and Saved by the Bell and 90210 (this is what most of my peers did during elementary and middle school) — has had on my idea of what is attractive/desirable in a person. Were the heartthrobs from 90’s sitcoms only meant to be attractive to white girls? Perhaps that’s why interracial relationships between white and non-white people are still a source of confusion - we’ve all been conditioned (to varying degrees) by the media to think that the most handsome guys and the most beautiful girls are white so when a white person does not subscribe to these ideals by finding a non-white person attractive or if a non-white person finds a white person attractive, it baffles society. Perhaps it also explains why interracial relationships between people of color get such short shrift - is society doubly perplexed because neither party is subscribing to the “white is most attractive” conditioning? It makes me wonder what if there had been a black or Asian version of Zach Morris in a sitcom…would it be more acceptable for white women to find non-white men more attractive then?
*this isn’t meant to imply that physical attractiveness is the only thing that causes people to enter into relationships, interracial or otherwise - just musing.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 1:02 pm ¶
Andrea R. wrote:
On a quick note. I watched Saved by the Bell and Mario Lopez was with Elizabeth Berkley, but was he portrayed as Latino? He definitely was portrayed as a “pig” though. Interesting . . .
Posted 08 May 2008 at 1:30 pm ¶
vodalus wrote:
Nope, he was “Hawaiian.”
Posted 08 May 2008 at 2:59 pm ¶
Alston wrote:
“It seems to me that the fetishization usually occurs from a male to female point of view. I don’t know when I’ve ever heard of a group of women choosing a category of man based on some fetish. We’re usually the objects (not fair - i know).”
Believe me, there are plenty–PLENTY– of white women that fetishize black men. It happens all the damn time. I wish I admitted that years ago.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 4:03 pm ¶
Bohemian Writer wrote:
Alex, I loved reading your personal note on this. I am similar to you, my mother is a natural-born Cubana from Santiago & came to the States when she was young (in the early ’70s, I’m 20 by the way). However, she is a black Cuban & married my father who is black from Trinidad who was raised in Canada. Being raised as a first-generation American, I can identify with you in a similar struggle to being able to identify as a Cuban woman.
However, my “plight” is somewhat different because I was raised in Philadelphia & since I look “black”, I never really got a pass on the Latin side & thus identified more w/ blacks on a general basis. There aren’t very many Cubans much less Trinis in Philly so it made the “West Indian” experience of those 2 rich cultures a bit difficult to regard as far as relationships OUTSIDE of family. My dad’s family is in Canada & Trinidad & my mother’s family is mostly in Cuba & the NJ/NY metro area.
I understood Spanish & spoke a little, (still do actually) but was never fluent enough to be considered “one of the Latinas” in my neighborhood. The Latinos in Philly (mostly Dominican & Puerto Rican) did not really consider me Latina because of my English last name “Campbell” either & if I told black people, I was also of Cuban/Latin background, I either got the “jealousy/you think you’re better than us huh?” thing or the “you don’t wanna be black”, or they just assumed I was from another country. Despite these secondary education experiences, the group I adapted to the most were African-Americans & to this day, I consider myself a black woman, albeit of a Cuban background as well & many of my women friends are African-Americans.
Funny you should mention the interracial/interethnic dating thing. I was always attracted to the Latin guys however I never spurred their interest because they considered me a “black woman” or in their favored term of endearment, a “negrita linda”. I wasn’t offended, but I quickly realized that my brown-skinned complexion would always play a role in how men would view me as a significant other, regardless if I was a first-generation American, Cuban, Trinidadian, or simply: black.
My current boyfriend is Ethiopian-American & we have similar things in common: both 1st-generation Americans, both black, & both raised with dualing cultures in the background.
Sorry to have dragged this on for so long, but I’m glad I could share this from one Cubanita to the next.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 5:22 pm ¶
Lola wrote:
I’m a black woman married to a white guy and I will confess that one of the many things that I love about our relationship is that he is free from black baggage. He doesn’t know about “good hair” and loves anything that grows out of my head. I never worry about being “black enough” around him and laugh about the fact that he prefers listening to old Bill Cosby albums while I want to listen to U2. If I have any sort of fetish, it’s a fetish for freedom to just be who I am and not hear the voices of my family in my husband’s words.
Did I cop out? Maybe. But I don’t regret it.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 5:59 pm ¶
Juan Stoppable wrote:
Nope, he was “Hawaiian.”
Untrue. There was a whole episode about how his father had to change from a Spanish surname to an Anglo one so he could become an army officer.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 7:10 pm ¶
gothic guera wrote:
I’m VERY thankful that my family are O.k about me and my sister dating interraical but it more of my classmates I have to deal with I know if I date anyone it would be like ooooooooooooo she’s - is only with him cuz he ————- she likes ——— she’s only in to _____________. (fill in the blanks)
Posted 08 May 2008 at 7:32 pm ¶
Jay wrote:
Attraction makes sense to me, but, like love, it’s never simple and never exists in isolation from the culture we live in. TV commercials, catalogues, perfume ads, romantic comedies, heroes and heroines in coming-of-age novels – these have all had a part in coloring, literally and figuratively, my idea of what is attractive. And, although I am attracted to wit and personality and thoughtfulness, those are not things that will necessarily make me cross the line from friends to… half of a couple, clasping hands, yelling “Love! We’re in love!” despite my inability to intellectualize that impulse.
The problem is we want to believe we are in control of our own destiny, so we disbelieve things that are out of our control and influence us. Like TV and other forms of media.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 8:14 pm ¶
MNC wrote:
This was a very thought provoking post.
It made me wonder about the assumption that by “dating out” one is automatically wiped/or attempting to wipe free their ethnic identity.
Also,I this piece makes me realize the extent to which artificial boundaries like race strip us all of our fundamental commonality-humanity.
So called “inter-racial” and inter-ethnic relationships are such a quandry/problematic because the artifical boundaries of race and sometimes the percieved barriers between cultures, assumed to be divides that humanity can never overcome. (if that makes sense)
It’s almost as if it’s akin to inter-species couplingsm defying all laws of nature.
That’s a bit of a ramble I know, but maybe someone can pick up with the point more eloquently.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 8:26 pm ¶
DivergentDana wrote:
“Untrue. There was a whole episode about how his father had to change from a Spanish surname to an Anglo one so he could become an army officer.”
There was also an episode — I think it was during the college part of the series, when he met this Latina student activist that implored him to be proud of his heritage and he started getting all “militant.” *scratches head* How do I remember that?
Posted 08 May 2008 at 9:10 pm ¶
superchunk12 wrote:
Bohemian writer:
I have a similar background to yours, My mom is Jamaican and my dad is Puerto Rican, black, AND adopted. His mom, My mima is a black Puerto Rican woman and his dad, my lelo is African American. I have gotten those say something in Spanish tests and the oh you speak Spanish! exclamations from damn near everyone. I also got the and the negrita linda. My favorites are from Hispanic people who have obvious African ancestry but insist on making ignorant comments about African Americans. My boyfriend is Cuban, his mother is a Cuban Jew and both his parents have African ancestry. I love him for his insight into the whole social construct of race, my favorite tactic of his is when people refer to us as interracial, he tells them that he’s actually Black with a straigh poker face. I love to see them squirm!
Posted 08 May 2008 at 11:29 pm ¶
TierList E wrote:
. . .I have a complex with attraction.
*sigh* I’ve been attracted to white guys- and I never liked that part of myself. I don’t know where it came from definitely, but I guess it was from growing up around a predominately white area. Cue virtually no one there ever even considering me dating material (remotely), so I started to wish I grew up around mainly black people so I wouldn’t have so much of a race-deviance with attraction and just want the men who are most likely to approach me.
Actually, as far as “identifying”, I think I gotten along best with other minorities who grew up “white” so to speak. I’ve always felt awkward for not being “authentic” around other black people, but me and the typical white male fall off hard when we reach certain topics and opinions. The people who are most likely to “get me” were brown/black people who has had a similar past experiences, but then I fear they don’t want me either because they may have a preference for majority women.
*face* Yeah I’m going to stop typing now. . .I hesitate to post this- I think I’m starting to run into a psychological hang up. So yeah, if this all sounded off than that’s why.
Posted 09 May 2008 at 1:42 am ¶
jvansteppes wrote:
Question: in the United States does ‘Anglo’ simply mean white or does it mean all english speakers? I live in Quebec and we use it to mean all english speakers, including PoC…
Posted 09 May 2008 at 5:53 am ¶
atlasien wrote:
“Anglo” is a word I have not heard used much outside Miami, where I used to live. It means white non-Latino English-speaking.
In other parts of the country you might use the term “WASP” instead (for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) but “Anglo” doesn’t have the class, ethnic and religious connotations that WASP does… it’s a much broader term.
Posted 09 May 2008 at 6:26 am ¶
Alex wrote:
@ everyone: Thanks for the great comments!
@ Penni: My boyfriend has previously dated girls from a multitude of backgrounds, so a Latina fetish on his part was never something that took up a lot of space in my mind. Maybe if I were more fitting of a “Latina” stereotype, both in terms of look and behavior, and if he’d had a history of dating women who fit that construct, I’d have been more worried / a complete nervous wreck.
Posted 09 May 2008 at 8:39 am ¶
Andrea R. wrote:
@ TierList E
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I always felt like an “other” in my latino community and always identified better with people of color who had been brought up in a predominately white setting because they understood how it is to grow up looking one way and “acting” another (acting outside of the box you’re “supposed” to fit into: black, latino, asian.) I just never felt quite enough.
@ Alex’s post. I mentioned about my boyfriend and fetish and I agree with you that I’d too be concerned if my boyfriend had a history of dating a “typical hot and spicy latina” and looking for that within me. But I’m far from that, I’m ore than that! I’m a Latina who LOVES radiohead and mariachi music. Now if I could only combine them . . .
Posted 09 May 2008 at 12:45 pm ¶
Jeremy Pierce wrote:
If you think what you get is bad when you search for “interracial dating”, try searching just for “interracial”. Make sure SafeSearch is off. It’s much more of a confirmation of the fetish thing.
I do think both are more a sign of commercial websites’ ability to dominate Google by various underhanded techniques than of what’s really out there on the web. Google determines rank by number of links, and people with commercial websites can just buy up a bunch of domains and have them all link to each other to inflate their rankings with Google. A less link-dependent search engine like Yahoo will give you better results.
Posted 09 May 2008 at 3:47 pm ¶
DivergentDana wrote:
I also understand, TierList E, especially about wishing I was attracted to the type of guys who approach me and fitting in best with POC who bridge cultures because of the reasons you stated — authenticity tests/divergent interests/not wanting to be the “black friend” who’s expected to nod complacently at all and sundry of racial b.s. — it’s interesting, though that I often hear of people with these experiences that grew up in mostly white neighborhoods, and I didn’t. My family just raised me this way in the middle of a majority-black neighborhood. My closest friend pretty much independently chose to turn out the way he did against his family’s wishes and in the middle of what he describes as ‘the hood.’
Posted 09 May 2008 at 5:04 pm ¶
lechatnoir wrote:
@ ATLasian, funny i actually got a different definition of the therm anglo, the perception that I get as a foreigner is that “anglo” means whiter then white.It has a little Aryan overtone.
@lola, he should know about “good hair” and the racial hierarchy. mycousin is married to a white guy and they have 3 children and a 4th on the way. I guarantee you that he knows damn well whycountless of blacks put a premium of bi-racial children.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 8:05 pm ¶
Shelby wrote:
I’m another one that grew up “white” for the most part. But I hardly ever get approached by white guys (other than the ones that just want me to shake my @ss for them. ugh.) And I usually feel more insecure around white guys anyway; the beauty standards at my high school were definitely white only.
But now that I’m in college and around more black men I get the cold shoulder from them too because I’m just a typical, mono-racial black american (descended from mostly slaves, american indians, and whites). And they definitely look for girls that are more “exotic.”
But sometimes I do get mistaken for being “mixed.” And it’s so frustrating because I’m always suspicious that a (black) guy is only approaching me because he thinks I’m not 100% black.
Ugh. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. This is a really interesting post. I’m always curious to see how other POC navigate the dating scene cuz it gets pretty confusing.
Posted 12 May 2008 at 2:01 am ¶
Adrianna wrote:
Thanks for sharing you personal life with us Alex. I ‘m a black women and moved to the from Haiti to the US at 16.
In Haiti we have the colorism issues.For some people the love of light skin borders on fetishism . There are clubs here who only let light skin people in and women and men who only date light skin people. People don’t rile on you if you date inter racially or inter ethnically . In the US is a whole other story my only black American friend always questioned my dating choices. My poor friend has been threatened to be disowned if He ever brings a white women home. My family has no such rule.
The weird thing is being told that you are going to end up with a white person because of the way you talk and behave is weird .
I say it’s hard to find enlightened , funny smart, generous males. so why limit oneself. Plus If I feel the Black male shortage I can always go back home to Haiti. lol
As for How media portrayal. I agree that it can color our choices on what we find attractive , but in time you realize that there is more than just skin color involved. After all just because someone is you color doesn’t mean they can’t be A*hole . Those come in all colors.
Posted 12 May 2008 at 4:45 am ¶