On Facing Your Bias, Owning Your Prejudice, and Allies - Part 1
by Latoya Peterson
The last few weeks have been stressful for me in another way entirely.
As a person who devotes quite a bit of time to fighting her own prejudices, this month gave me a whole lot to think about.
I think that people tend to overlook how hard it is to change your thinking and how hard it is to let go of ingrained ideas - not just about external forces, but about the self.
We tend to think that we see the world accurately. We tend to think that our views are right, and not question where we got them from. We tend to believe that if someone is attacking us, it’s because they are being a jerk - not because we are wrong. So when we run up against something that pushes back on us, takes us to task for something we have failed to do, part of the reaction is to protect the self.
And even while we are actively fighting bias that we acknowledge, the natural impulse of the self is to point out all the ways in which we are justified for holding that position.
And this is where I found myself as the feminist blogosphere was reeling from a few conflicts, Jezebel was killing me with their content, and some other off-line things had me wanting to barricade myself in a PoC only stronghold. Hatred was welling up in spite of my best attempts to quell those feelings. Quite a few times, I stepped back from the conflicts, only to find out they had gotten worse. I refrained from commenting on the first issue - only to watch a second, third, fourth, and fifth spring up.
I tempered my response to the Jezebel article, knowing that I could not engage the white writer of the piece fairly. So instead, I started discussions with the editor of the blog (who is a WoC) while asking two of the talented Muslimahs I know to see if they wanted to draft a response. And when we posted that response, we got a crock of shit back in return.
In short, I started feeling really fucking justified.
However, for me, that will not be where the matter ends. I’ve already taken the first steps of owning this bias and actively engaging with people instead of dropping trust and ending the conversation. And while it is very tempting to stay away from engaging, we all know that those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.
(This is why we see the same patterns of behavior over and over again in the offending parties - they refuse to even acknowledge where they may hold a bias or where they fucked up, so why should they change?)
So what does one do?
While puzzling over these ideas, I decided I wanted to do a post on being an ally. Then, I realized there are lots of posts on being an ally, so I wanted to do a post on how to mitigate damage. However, in the wake of all the controversy in the feminist blogosphere, there have been a lot of posts dedicated to how to apologize. After that, I decided to do a post on becoming informed as many of these issues stem from a lack of knowledge.
I finally realized that all these things are more or less related and they all require similar steps. So, in light of this, I present some things to consider when engaged in a conflict:
1. Take stock of your allies
Often, when we face a situation where we feel outnumbered, it is very easy to want to lock ranks. To say things like “I don’t want to deal with white people/straight people/cis people/secular (or religious) people” - after all, these people are actively offending you and seem intent on continuing to do so. Even after truly discussing why something is wrong, there is still a whole crowd of people disputing the facts and dismissing your concerns. Frustrating, but common.
However, at times like these, it can be quite refreshing to really look to see who is out there.
Over the course of a month, the feminist blogosphere has felt quite hostile. And when Tiffany in Houston commented on Feministe, saying:
You know, I am more of a lurker than commenter on the white feminist blogs I read such as Feministe, Pandagon and on occasion Feministing. I have watched Amanda Marcotte as she flubbed and fucked up her way thru burka-gate, racist book cover-gate and now appropriation-gate. I’m not a blogger so I’m not hating. I’m not trying to get put on for a book deal. But all these charades remind me of something my grandma used to say: Be careful when you are dealing with white folks, because one day they wake up and realize they’re white and you ain’t. Truer words have never been spoken.
This is why this 34 year old black woman doesn’t call herself a feminist.
When it comes down to it, you white chicks, ya’ll really aren’t to be trusted.
Once again, I’ve been proven correct.
I could really, really relate.
But, I would do myself a great disservice if I did not acknowledge the allies who were here and taking heat from the beginning.
Cara from the Curvature blogged about this issue multiple times on her own blog, and jumped into the comments on Feministe a little later. She wrote a post way back when the first issue started on being an ally. And, as more information emerged, she wrote another. Did Cara immediately start apologizing and falling all over the place? No. Did she agree with all the accusations leveled during the conflict? No. What Cara did was to acknowledge the whole conflict and highly question her role as an ally if she remained silent. And she also connected the dots on some important issues. And she spoke out. Early. Before things rose to the heights that they did.
I was also glad to see Andrea Rubenstein (Tekanji) still representing, even though she is currently working hard in video game design school. She dedicated a post to the idea of feminist infighting, specifically noting:
Privilege means not having to look past your own oppression to see the ways that you are oppressing others. It’s easy to see the ways that we’re disadvantaged because it affects us, but it’s much harder to admit that there are ways in which we are part of the problem. Especially if we believe that our oppression is the most important, or at least the most pressing, one out there.
In this case it means that you can use say things like “we are all women first” without realizing how dismissive that is to women who experience more than just gender-based oppression. Gender might be the most pressing oppression to you, but that’s not necessarily the case for other women. It also is a means for avoiding self-critique. By trying to force a certain amount of homogeneity in order to create a sense of harmony (eg. “universal womanhood”), then you never have to look at what you, personally, are doing to alienate women/feminists who aren’t part of the white, middle-class, straight, able-bodied (etc, etc) force that is the dominant voice of mainstream feminism.
She also wrote another post on earning the privilege to be trusted:
Most white feminists, yes even the ones who are protesting the loudest here, understand that men aren’t automatically entitled to the benefit of the doubt. They get that, in order to be an ally, a man has to put his money where his mouth is and actually act like one. He has to deal gracefully with the mistrust of feminists who have been hurt one too many times by men professing to like women and to be an ally. He also has to accept that some feminists will only ever view him as an interloper because of the long, sordid, and often personal history that comes with gender relations. No one is saying that it’s fair, but part of being an ally is understanding that the little unfairness that he suffers not only is rooted in real, valid causes, but also doesn’t outweigh the unfairness that the women treating him unfairly have suffered.
And yet, while white feminists are more than happy to apply those standards to men who are trying to be allies, they are all too often unwilling to apply them to themselves. Their white privilege tells them that the root of all oppression is gender oppression, and that it’s the almighty vagina (ie. the possession of one) that creates a solidarity between women. The myth of “universal womanhood” is a powerful one, to be sure, but it is also a convenient way to shield yourself from having to question your own privilege — whether that be white, hetersexual, able-bodied, cissexual, or whatever combination you fall under.
And that, dear readers, is why I am ridiculously proud to be affiliated with the Iris Network.
Now, Cara and Andrea were not the only white feminists who spoke up. I have seen many on the comment boards and in their own blogs drawing attention to the issue and really trying to walk in solidarity with women of color. It was very good to see that, good to know that some people understood what the issues were, even if they were not in the majority. And so, I am proud to call them my allies.
There are also some people who are conspicuously absent from this list. Some of these people have posted on the topics of late and posted messages about solidarity and moving forward. Many of these people I am personally quite fond of, enjoy reading their work, and I like to support what they do. I understand that friendship and loyalty are difficult, complex things, and I do not envy the people who found themselves torn between helping a friend/trying to heal the feminist blogosphere and actually discussing the issues at hand.
However, I can’t add those people firmly to the ally camp. It’s kind of like being in a fight. You have one friend who watches the fight happen, sits anxiously on the sidelines, and when all the action is over, she hands you some tissue and some ice for your face. You have another friend who watches you take a punch, grabs a chair, and she knocks that fucker off you. The tissue and the ice are appreciated, but I am a lot more thankful for the friend that had my back.
(To be continued in part two.)
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Kali wrote:
Latoya
I loved reading this very thoughtful and articulate post .
Only I don’t think men/whites are either allies or NOT. They behave differently under different circumstances, are influenced by society and the values of pople around them - and do grow and change. Which is why it is important to have Feminste and Racialicious and Apostate.
I think leadership matters and either Hillary or Obama (but not McCain) will bring about a subliminal change in mainstream thinking all across the country right from the get-go.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 8:54 am ¶
pat m. wrote:
“Good friends are not those who pull you out of the fight, a good friend is one who comes in with a flying kick” -Renzo Gracie
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 9:28 am ¶
Liza wrote:
Hi Latoya:
Fantastic post. As someone who works in a predominantly white college (doing diversity work, of course) I get so frustrated at the misuse of “ally” and at the absolutely lack of awareness that some white people have about their own privilege, which goes hand in hand with many of their own denial that white women experience privilege above and beyond POC’s.
Racialicious is one of the few homes I’ve found that talks honestly about the experience POC’s have interacting with (and aligning or not aligning) feminist groups, ideas, and practices.
Sad to say (or not) I only know personally a handful of white, feminist allies who truly “get it.” I know that can be said of lots of different ally privilege, and I’m not excluding myself from that group. Racialicious is the place where I’m trying to find more true allies who realize their own privilege and power - regardless of other groups we belong to that experience oppression.
Great thread - planning on linking to this in lots of ways!
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 9:30 am ¶
Jen* wrote:
I understand the analogy about the friend who hands you ice vs the friend who gets involved. I’m one of those who hands people ice. At least in the blogosphere.
In real life, I’d definitely grab a chair. I’ve actually done that before.
But I’m definitely not into making waves, and maybe that’s my own issue. Interested in seeing part 2.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 9:39 am ¶
Persia wrote:
Racialicious is one of the few homes I’ve found that talks honestly about the experience POC’s have interacting with (and aligning or not aligning) feminist groups, ideas, and practices.
I want to second this.
I’m not sure if this’ll be addressed in Part 2 or not, but here’s something that I also want to put out: there seems to be something in White Women of a Certain Class (me among them) which is socialized to Not Make A Splash– to try to make sure everything’s Okay, and Everyone’s Treated With Respect. It came out when someone suggested (ludicrously to me) that Amanda Marcotte needed a ’safe space’ to address the negative reaction to the “Jungle” illustrations in her book. It’s one of the things I’ve noticed in myself– “Well, does she have to be so rude about it?” and it sometimes stops me from getting the message. (Because, yeah, sometimes she does have to be rude, or at the very least she has a right to.)
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 10:29 am ¶
firesong wrote:
This was a beautifully written post…a lot of food for thought. I’m relatively new to the conversation about race and privilege. I’ve read a lot, but haven’t really participated.
This post makes me think about what I am doing to be an ally, and also about finding a community of like-minded people (I am a biracial Asian-American who has begun to realize that many people, including myself, think of me as more white than Asian).
I have to say that of the many, many blogs that tackle issues like these, Racialicious seems to be one of the most welcoming, thoughtful spaces committed to talking about the issues while also fostering constructive dialogue. Kudos for that!
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 10:47 am ¶
islandgirl550 wrote:
Latoya and Liza - I have been reading all of the links since the issue between Amanda and brownfemipower occurred. I must admit that I am just beginning to educate myself and don’t want to sound dumb, but after reading a lot of the mainstream feminist sites, I’m still confused about who “gets it” in terms of being allies to Women of Color. Could either of you point me in the right direction?
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 11:24 am ¶
Fatemeh wrote:
Great post! Lots of hugs and good vibes your way! I can’t wait to read the second part of this post.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 11:38 am ¶
Molly wrote:
Thank you for this. I’m a lurker (here, there, and everywhere) who’s on the “trying to be an ally but not hard enough” side. This whole mess has really opened my eyes. At first I kept wanting to give Amanda the benefit of the doubt. And then more and more things started happening, and I suddenly thought, “Why her? Why does *she* get the benefit of the doubt against a whole blogosphere full of people who think she did something wrong?” There’s only one answer, of course: because she’s white, and because I don’t read 99% of those blogs—just this one and reappropriate. I’ve missed my chance to read BlackAmazon and BFP, but I’ve added a dozen others to my reader and Pandagon’s off, much as I’ll miss Pam.
I have to try harder. Because “not being actively racist, and being briefly appalled by obvious racism” isn’t enough. I would never consider that “enough” for feminism or for gay rights, and it hurts me that I’ve considered it enough for so long with race.
I’ll still be a lurker, but I swear I’ll be a lurker who’s trying a helluva lot harder to keep my eyes, my ears, and my checkbook open when it comes to subtle racism and systematic oppression of WOC.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 12:09 pm ¶
Keke wrote:
I have given up the mantle of feminism. I am a womanist. I am tired of fighting on two fronts and not being heard on either side. I am tired of people making blanket statements about minorities and then saying “Well, I was just kidding! I didn’t mean it! It was satire! You’re racist to say I’m racist!” I’m tired of women, all women, being exploited and paid less than men, disrespected, and told to play with Barbie dolls because the chemistry set is too complicated.
I understand exactly where everyone is coming from. It is a lot to handle when you’re a woman and a you are from any of the historically oppressed ethnic, racial or religious groups. It becomes multi-faceted. I think what happens is that most people don’t want to think about the “invisible knapsack” of privileges they may have. It would force them to reconsider their own lives and to them that’s too hard. It’s easy to not deconstruct your entire way of life.
I went to Jezebel and read some of the comments over there. It seemed like everyone there was like “Well, why should people get mad, we should use this a jumping off to real discussion.” But then they’d quickly say “Well, Jezebel isn’t really supposed to be about real, political discussion. It’s snark.” Okaaaay…….sounds like dodging to me.
Not once did someone say, “Well then, let’s discuss it. Let’s talk to women from the countries we are discussing, expatratriates, some bloggers and others and have a real eye-opening forum.”
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 12:58 pm ¶
gerdygirl wrote:
Thank you! This is a fantastic post and all of this blow up on the blogosphere has definitely made me realize how I often see myself as an ally, but don’t back it up enough with action. I will try to do better and these posts help keep me accountable and give me ideas on how to be a better ally. Thank you, thank you thank you.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 12:58 pm ¶
more cowbell wrote:
Latoya - thank you for posting this, it’s important for people to hear. Also thank you for your quotes from Tiffany in Houston and Andrea. Your analogy about the fight is right on, and (ouch) I have to say Tiffany’s quote, sadly, is on as well.
I am not a regular reader of the feminist blogs, and that is largely because of the ongoing bullshit with many White feminists, but of course have been hearing about the recent happenings.
I do consider myself an active ally, and wow, this situation has had me questioning and second-guessing myself, wondering what ignorant crap I’ve thrown out there, or when I haven’t stepped in. (Actually, maybe that’s a good side result of this whole thing, if it causes lots of us to examine things more closely)
As I commented on the “white feminists quit fucking up” post by Ico, as a single working mom, I have chosen to put my community/ally work into addressing institutional racism in our school district, and helped found a grassroots advocacy group to do that. That’s my area of work, and it’s needed, but this situation has caused me to think more about why I chose (consciously) to do that work and not to become actively involved in feminist-oriented efforts. Part of it is being a mother to kids of color, but I’m also a woman, so I’ve been thinking more about how/where allies focus their work, and why.
My college age daughter is very actively involved in anti-racist and feminist work in DC — she organizes protests and always has some work going on. Last year, she’d volunteered a lot of her time to NOW, but quit specifically because the White/WoC feminist bullshit going on. She got tired of always having to defend herself as a WoC, to educate, call things out (or ignore things), so she pulled out and put her time and efforts elsewhere.
I’m just wondering how many women out there - White and WoC - have pulled back from feminist efforts and put their work elsewhere, precisely because of this? And what effect has that had?
Anyway, the discussions going on now about what it means to be an ally are important and needed.
Remember as kids, we’re told “Stop, Look, and Listen” before crossing the street? I think the difference is that true allies do that when called out on their crap. Even if we don’t understand at first why we’re being called out, true allies get that we don’t get a lot of things, and we know we need to just stop and listen to those who do get it because they live it. True allies also get that if a PoC takes the time and effort to call you out, then appreciate it: they didn’t have to do that, and likely they’re damn tired of doing it.
This latest situation bothers me because a lot of what’s being called ally work or allies … just isn’t. If they were, they’d have listened. I don’t mean they wouldn’t have messed up to begin with, but they would’ve stopped and listened, not just plowed forward regardless.
anyway, looking forward to part II.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 1:18 pm ¶
Grandpa Dinosaur wrote:
It’s kind of like being in a fight. You have one friend who watches the fight happen, sits anxiously on the sidelines, and when all the action is over, she hands you some tissue and some ice for your face. You have another friend who watches you take a punch, grabs a chair, and she knocks that fucker off you. The tissue and the ice are appreciated, but I am a lot more thankful for the friend that had my back.
My feelings in a nutshell.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 1:31 pm ¶
NancyP wrote:
I am an ice-hander, mostly because I don’t have a blog of my own. Also because I take some time to figure out what’s going on, I end up being late.
For Molly and others wanting to keep up with Pam without visiting Amanda’s site:
http://www.pamshouseblend.com
This is a group blog that hosts all of Pam Spaulding’s posts (more than appear at pandagon), plus several other regular contributors, mostly LGBT, local NC folks, or old-time blogbuddies.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 2:12 pm ¶
Sin Vergüenza wrote:
“You have another friend who watches you take a punch, grabs a chair, and she knocks that fucker off you. The tissue and the ice are appreciated, but I am a lot more thankful for the friend that had my back.”
loves it.
Dear Whitey, grab a chair or go home.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 2:13 pm ¶
Molly wrote:
“For Molly and others wanting to keep up with Pam without visiting Amanda’s site:
http://www.pamshouseblend.com”
Thank you! I used to read the Blend but, ironically, dropped it because there was so much crossposting with Pandagon. I sure as hell dropped the wrong one.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 2:33 pm ¶
Liza wrote:
Hi islandgirl550:
While I follow Racialicious, I actually don’t visit some of the feminist blogs out there - mostly because my life (both personal and work) is all about race and race work.
There are lots of much more politically active folks on this blog than I am, and I really do more basic work with college students who have never even heard the term “ally” — or “oppression”, “privilege”, etc…. yes, I starting at square 1 with most of these students.
So, in my most basic explanation of “ally”, I absolutely drive home the fact that those in privilege are NOT the ones who get to deem themselves allies. True definition and support comes from the group who is experiencing oppression. Therefore, true allies are the ones who support the group on the GROUP’S term. They support the group in the way the group wants it versus how *I* want to do it. True allies are the ones who can support an oppressed group without “saving” them (hence, the ’savior’ criticism you might see people refer to a lot).
My issue with the “who gets it” and Women of Color is that there are women out there who believe they experience the same oppression as women of color. In truth, affirmative action (which tends to be associated as a tool simply for people of color) has actually helped white women more than people of color. So, I find that white women in my life who have not owned that they experience privilege (and try to align themselves with people of color oppression) absolutely don’t “get it.” Unfortunately, there are lots and lots of women in my life like this…
Because I don’t follow many of the blogs that are referenced in these threads, I can’t point you towards who “gets it”. I think that it’s important to take pieces of what you feel is right for you. I like the comments in other posts about how we don’t ALL get it right ALL THE TIME. That we ALL f**K up. The point is to be sincere, to be open, and to recognize and own our own privilege.
Posted 29 Apr 2008 at 9:12 pm ¶