Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match: MTV Looks at Arranged Marriages
by Racialicious special correspondent Fatemeh Fakhraie, originally published at Muslimah Media Watch
I usually avoid MTV because of its basic lack of programming that interests me. This weekend, however, I happened to catch an episode of True Life, which chronicles people in different walks of life going through different life experiences. The episode I happened to catch was entitled “I’m Having an Arranged Marriage.”
I can’t find the episode summary on MTV’s website, but the summary goes like this: MTV follows three people on their journeys through arranged marriage. The show follows Najwa, a Pakistani-American Muslim woman; Rohit, an Indian man living in America (who I believe is Hindu, but I couldn’t get a definitive statement from the show); and Arwa, another Pakistani-American Muslim woman. All these people have college educations; Arwa is currently in law school.
The show first follows Najwa as she goes to pick up her fiancé Zeeshan at the airport. Najwa and Zeeshan are engaged but have not married yet; this visit will be the third time Najwa has seen Zeeshan, even though they talk frequently over the phone. Meanwhile, Arwa goes to several dates set up by her friends and family in hopes of finding someone to marry, even attending a conference that attracts other professional Pakistani-Americans. Her mother keeps bothering Arwa about her arbitrary deadline: announce an engagement by the end of the year. That’s some serious pressure.
Both girls do not wear hejab, and at first glance, you wouldn’t even be aware that they were more conservative, family-oriented women. I’m big on not judging a book by its cover, so I was kind of pleased about this. Both women talked about how they thought they’d find their own husbands (rather than being set up by people in their community), but are willing to try their family’s traditions.
What I really appreciated is the fact that the show highlighted these women’s experiences as their choice: Arwa mentions that she tried to find her own husband, but she’s okay with her parents trying to find him for her, too. Often, the words “arranged marriage” conjure images of veiled women who have no say in who their parents choose for them, and a lot of people think that arranged marriages trap women and are loveless. There’s also this idea that any Muslim man is a good Muslim man, and all a girl has to do is find a Muslim guy—any Muslim guy—and marry him. Muslim marriages—whether arranged or not—work just like other people’s: compatibility is key!
This episode refuted a lot of those ideas, likening arranged marriages to something as simple as just getting set up by your friend who thinks she has a friend you’d like. The idea that one size fits all is also not applicable here: Arwa met three different guys, and rejected two of them (unfortunately, the one she liked didn’t call). Najwa, after realizing that she had different priorities than Zeeshan, ended the engagement herself. At the end of the episode, Rohit was the only one who actually got married! Arwa went back to law school (if I remember right, she was on summer break during the show’s taping) and Najwa’s family continued to look for a match for her.
While the reality of arranged marriages is different for everyone (personally, I think I could do a better job of picking out a husband for myself than my parents; some families prefer to rely on social networks, some families let their children find their own mates, sometimes arranged marriages turn out badly, sometimes love matches turn out badly) and MTV’s portrayal really only illustrates how arranged marriages work within the U.S., I was pleased to see none of the gimmicky stereotypes. My only real complaint is that it would have been nice to see a Muslim man getting set up. On the whole, not bad, MTV.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of
Angel H. wrote:
I caught this episode also, and despite MTV’s many, many faults when it comes to race and culture, they actually did a good job with this one.
I think my favorite scene was when Rohit and his wife attend a cookout at his cousin’s house. It looked like everyone had a good time.
Posted 05 Dec 2007 at 4:07 pm ¶
meownette wrote:
I’m with you on this one. My roommates and I watched it and thought it was respectful and well done, which was, as stated above, surprising for MTV.
Posted 05 Dec 2007 at 8:34 pm ¶
Gregory A. Butler wrote:
I actually haven’t seen this documentary – but I will try and check it out when it’s rebroadcast.
I’m of two minds about the whole arrainged marriage things.
On the one hand, one of my mom’s best friends when I was growing up was a Hindu woman from India who had an arrainged marriage and, so far as I know, was very happy with it.
On the other hand, I had a former coworker – a young woman who was part Arab and part Latino – who, at age 16, was almost forced into an arrainged marriage by her father .
Fortunately, she had a very Americanized lesbian aunt – she ran away from home, moved in with her aunt, and was able to finish high school and go on to college (where she was able to pick her own boyfriends – to this day, she will only date White men, and will not date anybody from her ethnic background).
Unfortunately, beyond those two contradictory anecdotes, I really don’t know enough about the reality of arrainged marriages to have an informed opinion.
Posted 05 Dec 2007 at 9:56 pm ¶
Bianca Reagan wrote:
I watched it with my friends this weekend while we were waiting for Return to Fat Camp to come on. (btw, not as entertaining as the original Fat Camp.) It was good! Though I wish that MTV would have more programming featuring people of South Asian descent, esp. doing something not specific to the stereotypes of their cultures. Like True Life: I’m a TV Writer on Strike or True Life: I don’t really want to get married, and I’m not sure where my career is going.
I guess I’ll take what I can get for now. I don’t see any other network featuring that many brown people in one hour of programming.
Posted 05 Dec 2007 at 10:18 pm ¶
Nezua wrote:
As far as racial awareness, I think that MTV is trying. (Though I haven’t had cable programming for a year or more.)
As far as arranged marriages, once upon a time I found the notion highly offensive (having taken far too much heavy-handed dictatorial type of “parenting” in my youth). But now that I’ve had the chance to ruin a few relationships, I wonder if wiser older people than myself would have done a better job picking out my lover/mate/spouse. Of course that would rule out my own parents at the time of my youth, so the question remains sort of a useless one for me. But as in the movie “Namesake” that I just saw, I find it interesting to watch and think about, arranged marriages.
Disclaimer: I am affiliated with MTV, so please know that for integrity’s sake here! My notion that they are trying is probably, er, colored by my desire to have them be aware of racial dynamics. But I do think they are trying hard to expand in this area, and diversify [sometimes that word makes me shudder] viewpoints.
Posted 06 Dec 2007 at 9:32 am ¶
RobynT wrote:
i think BUST magazine had an article on arranged marriages too. similar approach: emphasis that these women are educated, see this as a better alternative to dating.
Posted 06 Dec 2007 at 11:23 am ¶
Michael H wrote:
I don’t usually tune into MTV but I actually liked this show on arranged marriages. I was always under the assumption that such marriages were based on economics, basically if you can find a wealthy man just marry them so I particularly liked Arwa’s story in which she didnt just jump at the chance at marrying anyone that happened to be available and financially stable. I also liked that she was concerned about her education which was refreshing because I happen to know a women who has a daughter and all she stresses for her to ‘look beautiful’ so that you can get married…refreshing to watch..
Posted 08 Dec 2007 at 10:22 pm ¶
Matthew Tennessen wrote:
I certainly understand why people get pulled into these circumstances even though I personally don’t believe in any of it. Culturally speaking, yes, I suppose its not that different for “westerners” to have their friends “set them up” as it is for these three to allow their parents’ to do it. Western culture suggests that our peers best represent our values and thus, are qualified to help pair us up. These cultures believe that family and tradition fill those roles instead. But why do people feel that “marriage” is an appropriate substitute for “social life”? It certainly occurs in the western world plenty, to be sure, but I’m not sure that’s cause for celebration. In the case of the male, he just kept mentioning how lonely he was and how he couldn’t wait to get over to India, get married and bring her back. Rather than socialize, I’ll just get married so that I’m not lonely? As for the women, (I did miss the first few minutes of the program) I saw no indication that they really felt they needed it other than their parents were scolding them for not yet being married. One of the women even mentioned she was not nearly as conservative as her parents, but maybe this would make her a better Muslim. This lackidasical approach to life is a bit strange to me. And the when the other woman went to the social event saying that Pakistani physicians looked for wives, and Pakistani families looked for financially solvent sons-in-law, I felt very uneasy. I would’ve assumed that somewhere along their educational pursuits, a spark of intellectual curiousity would’ve at least shaken them, at least momentarily, out of this cultural slavery. I guess not.
Posted 11 Dec 2007 at 10:08 pm ¶