Black male hurt
by guest contributor Philip Arthur Moore, originally published at Finding My Legend
It is human to hurt, and one of the most beautiful truths in pain and suffering is that it knows no color. We are all born with tear ducts, the capacity to feel insecure, and the fear of abandonment. At one point or another, we have all experienced loneliness, and we have all experienced grief.
For the last nine months of my life I have felt a great deal of unsatisfactoriness. My post-collegiate life has at times seemed more aimless than it has ever been, I’m coming away from a brutal three year relationship, and I work from home, in a void of social interaction or human touch. Most of the worst daily hurt has gone away, but sometimes it visits me at the wrong moments.
I bring this up not with a despondent tone or an attitude of self-pity, but from a genuine curiosity towards the nature of black male hurt. Where do black males go to cry? To whom do we go for respite from our daily worries? How do black males love, and will we ever be able to show another man that we care for him without having our sexuality drawn into question by the notion of black masculinity?
So much of black male pain is directed outward. We suffer through states of social oppression, receive poor educational opportunities vis-a-vis our white counterparts, and stay both honored and vilified through popular culture. We’ve gained an acumen for handling the outside world with our voices and actions.
But what of the inside us?
Who teaches black males how to handle heartbreak, insecurities, loneliness, or depression? Surely not our fathers - I have seen mine cry twice in my entire life, once at his mother’s funeral; once after his divorce with my mother. My father never taught me how to handle weakness, and if he did, it only involved ’sucking it up’ and pushing forward. Crying out the pain and moving on was never involved.
Do black mothers teach black males how to hurt? I don’t know; my mother is not black. And what of black males in fraternities or other extended black social networks? Do they take time to teach one another self-reflection or self-therapy? I cannot say; I’ve never had that circle of comrades.
I ask about black male pain because we have it, but I don’t know what we are allowed to do with it within the illusion of black masculinity.
Black men are supposed to be strong, outspoken, never weak, and if all else fails, simply dismissive of our inner children. But we can’t ignore our feelings, and we cannot alleviate our demons with avoidance.
So how do we hurt? How do we learn how to cry or how to feel weak or how to fall down or how to seek intimacy or guidance from other black men without having to say “no homo” every time we want to express our love for one another?
It would be nice to know the answers to these questions, if only to know how to equip my unborn black children with the capacity to self-heal when life’s pains become nearly unbearable.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Wendi Muse wrote:
Philip, thanks for this piece. It’s incredibly introspective and personal, but I think a lot of us can identify in some way or another with your feelings of being unable to express your pain or even have an outlet where you can do so and where it would be accepted without ridicule or a questioning of your security as a man, and especially a black man.
though i am not male, i connected with this piece quite a bit, especially considering that i think all too often, though portrayed as chronic complainers, black women are simultaneously shown as always being “strong,” the SBW complex so to speak. we are expected to always be in charge, in control, stable for everyone else, and rarely given an opportunity to discuss our weaknesses. of course, the second we do, we face all-out attacks by others.
our adherence to gender norms is also constantly questioned, as black women are frequently portrayed as hypermasculine when compared to other women of color or white women. in some ways, both black men AND women are given little opportunity to show weakness, pain/hurt, sadness and only the opportunity to show anger, and so many things about that need to change.
so…long story short, awesome post. i can level.
Posted 24 Sep 2007 at 12:30 pm ¶
NaLonni Nikole wrote:
I agree with you Phillip. This topic of Black Mail Hurt came up a lot when I went through my pre-marital counseling. I had no idea just how MUCH hurt my husband had been through and his need to release it -but had no outlet. This issue plagues many men but where I think it affects men the most is their ability to have normal, nurturing, committed relationships with other men AND women, with society and with societies inability to recognize them for who they are - not what the world says they are.
If you want my opinion, the sins of our fathers have bled and have been bred into our genetic make up as black people. Why is it that black women take on this “I can do bad by myself” mentality that pushes their black men away - especially in marriage? Or why do men connect more with their video game consoles then that of the women they committed to honor, love and cherish in the sight of God and their families?? Are black men truly cursed or have black people [men and women] been force-fed inferiority for so long that it is no longer a “complex” but a lifestyle. Think about it.
A generational curse is not something to be kept in the pages of the Word of God - it is a live, breathing and consuming thing that is slowly digesting each new generation the “world” is giving birth to.
~NayLah
Posted 24 Sep 2007 at 1:54 pm ¶
egypt4 wrote:
I read this piece as my 4 year old black son slept on my shoulder, following a crying fit and tantrum. I sure hope I can continue to comfort him throughout his life, and I hope I can do the same for his (also black) brother.
It’s heartbreaking, this piece. Thank you for sharing it.
Posted 24 Sep 2007 at 4:16 pm ¶
Keke wrote:
Wow. This a very, very powerful piece. I do think that men, especially Black men, are told that men never cry. They are often told that it isn’t manly to feel hurt or pain and need to “suck it up.” I have personally witnessed family members telling their male children that they shouldn’t cry, even after they have been injured.
But I think it’s important that Black men and men in general be able to relay their emotions and not feel pressure to bottle them up. But it’s everywhere: in movies, in books and even in commercials.
Men are often told they are supposed to be dark and brooding, they’re supposed to be heroes a la Bruce Willis and feel nothing. I think that in order for society to eradicate sexism, we must first address our need to pander to an one-dimensional view of masculinity.
Posted 24 Sep 2007 at 6:28 pm ¶
D.A. wrote:
Philip, you’re not alone. I’ve had the exact same feelings, same questions, same thoughts. The sad irony -t hese are the thoughts you are most reticent to share with the brother standing next to you, the brother in your family. We dont even talk to one another about what could truly save our lives. I’ve asked that why, so much so that I made a film about those very questions.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0379235/
Thanks for the article. Feels good to know you are not alone.
Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 9:03 am ¶
Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:
It’s great to have you back in the blogosphere, lil bro!
Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 1:42 pm ¶
Mike wrote:
Good artlice, its a written rule among black men that you have to bottle the hurt up and put on a mask for the world or risk being exposed as being something other than a man ,even in the eyes of black women, which will only isolate you from every one else. As an individual you have a hard time dealing with your own pain that when you come across some brother hurting you feel uncomfertable being around it. The rare moment that I see another black man open up and let it out has made me literally cringe. We teach each other this from the day were able to understand the world around us. Whats amazing is that the wrong woman will have you looking inside your self with the quickness and force you to make a choice on what your going to do, let it out or walk it off. You let it out your a punk. You walk it off and your the man.
Posted 25 Sep 2007 at 5:46 pm ¶
Revolution wrote:
Thank you so much for writing this Philip. You have magnificent bravery to interrogate the hypermasculine socialization that deadens men’s humanity, particularly that of black men in this case.
Posted 26 Sep 2007 at 5:02 pm ¶
pfunk wrote:
Great piece.
Posted 26 Sep 2007 at 5:59 pm ¶
Detective wrote:
This piece is beautiful. I was recently let go of from a relationship with a woman I love and the pain was unbearable. Being a man, I didn’t know how to express the pain to other men, and, bottled up inside me, I almost self destructed.
Posted 27 Sep 2007 at 8:25 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
I think the kind of sentiments expressed here are why many feminists (of all genders) maintain that feminism ideally frees both women and MEN - to express who they are, to feel emotions without stereotype or loss of identity, to be honest with themselves and others, and to form real human relationships without the crutch/strait-jacket of gender-based expectations.
Y ain’t nothing but a chromosome
Posted 28 Sep 2007 at 9:02 am ¶
SolShine7 wrote:
Wow, what a touching piece. I never looked at it this way.
Posted 18 Oct 2007 at 12:37 am ¶