Interracial relationships on PostSecret
by Carmen Van Kerckhove
Yet more race stuff from PostSecret (remember this and this?). The postcard above was posted with the email below.
—–Email Message—–
Sent: Sunday, September 09, 2007 3:26 PM
Subject: white girlfriend secretI’m a black woman, raised by a black father and a white mother (I’ve always been closer to my maternal side of the family—they’re all white). I’ve never been attracted to a black man, and I’ve often felt this makes me a bad person… sometimes I feel like a racist.
(Thanks to Leigh-Anne for the tip!)
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
La - msviswan wrote:
I don’t think she’s being a racist, she clearly has conflicting issues due to her non-black upbringing environment. Considering she’s a black biracial female raised by a white mother she may be actually experiencing poetic irony.
Sorry…
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 11:13 am ¶
dnA wrote:
Yeah right, the fact that she’s so aware of her personal “irony” is an indicator that it may not be so inadvertent. There’s no such thing as not being attracted to an entire race of people.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 2:53 pm ¶
S wrote:
Well, the postcard and the email don’t make sense to me: closer to the white side, but against black guy dating white? Then again, I am not a child of a white mother and a black father so I may not understand even if she explained it.
Still don’t think it’s racist to have never been attracted to a black man before - probably haven’t ran into any attractive ones.
Anyway, atleast people are aware of their feelings and not pretending like it’s not there.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 2:54 pm ¶
Ike wrote:
To clarify, the postcard and the e-mail were presumably written by different people.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 3:25 pm ¶
bg wrote:
Maybe it’s the way she epxressed the sentiment, and whether she feels racist or not or is her atitude racist, I can’t say because I haven’t walked in her shoes, but I can’t help thinking the way she wrote it feels like it’s more about a general commentary on the state of race relations than it does a genuine personal moment the site is known for.
I’ve read some really disturbing, honest shit there and that’s what hits home. This feels well, not like that.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 3:52 pm ¶
Miri wrote:
The postcard and email are from different people. The email is in response to the postcard.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 6:03 pm ¶
Mike wrote:
This IR thing again? Im not biting I’ll wait for a better one.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 8:25 pm ¶
georgia wrote:
I have a black father and a white mother and I also am not usually attracted to black men. I can find them (physically) attractive, but I’m into indie rock, and live in MA so its hard to find black guys who have the kind of personality/style/interests I’m looking for. I don’t think thats racist.
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 11:22 pm ¶
simmie wrote:
That’s common. I didn’t have any positive black father figures growing up and I find myself in the same position. My wealthy but deadbeat dad was abusive during his brief and random periods of involvement. I’d never admit that I felt this way to anyone I know. It’s not right, but it is what it is.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 12:01 am ¶
Areem wrote:
I believe the email was from a different reader, inspired to comment by viewing the postcard sent in by someone with different but related racial issues.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 12:24 am ¶
cleis wrote:
I’m
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 12:44 am ¶
Sarah wrote:
4. was me, please delete–my internet crapped out on me suddenly.
S: The person who sent in the postcard is different than the one who sent in the email. I’m pretty sure the emails are from people responding to the issues brought up by the post confessions.
That said, both of these people have issues they need to work through. It’s harder to identify the tone of the poster, but she(?) seems much less…guilty? about her feelings. Like she’s sending in the post not to confess to racist feelings, but to express annoyance with the fact that this man is marrying “that white girl”. Think there’s anything to the fact that she used “white girl” instead of “white woman”?
The emailer at least seems to recognize that she may “feel like a racist,” but her remarks are really equivocal. It’s like she starts out trying to defend the black man who’s marrying the white woman by explaining her place as a biracial person of such a union, and then confesses that she’s never been attracted to a man of her own race and was always closer to the white side of her family, which makes her feel like a bad bad racist…sometimes. I wonder if she’s just had a bad sample group of black men, like S said, and decided there was something wrong with her for not settling for just anyone, or whether she really does have racist leanings but is too upset by the idea of being a “bad person” that she can only confess anonymously out of guilt and not confront her feelings in real life?
I don’t know, there’s just not enough information given. But thanks for the thought-provoking find, Carmen!
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 1:24 am ¶
Loretta wrote:
We all have the right to choose our preference of whom we are attracted to. I believe your environment is what makes you. If this woman has been around a certain group of people for most of her life, it would make sense that she would be attracted to that group.
Preference in a race doesn’t make anyone a bad person.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 6:01 am ¶
lunanoire wrote:
Frequently the messages are in response to the postcard rather than from its creator.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 6:28 am ¶
Sewere wrote:
Ah the Cathy Salustri Excuse (TM) aka “Black people made me racist”
More accurate. Honestly, does anyone really think she would have the same issues with white men if her father was white?
Really an entire race of people? How do people make that type of decision based on either no interaction or negative interaction? It’s not as if the history of this country has been about how people have been segregated by race AND how it came about that even when you don’t live around certain people other factors (Hint: starts with an R ends with -ism) influence how certain races are portrayed.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 11:39 am ¶
Jay wrote:
We all have the right to choose our preference of whom we are attracted to. I believe your environment is what makes you. If this woman has been around a certain group of people for most of her life, it would make sense that she would be attracted to that group.
Preference in a race doesn’t make anyone a bad person.
I kinda disagree on this point, if only because North American society promotes a hierarchy of attractiveness with regards to race. Nobody would ever want to admit but that’s only because they don’t want to be seen as being easily influenced or superficial.
And besides, it’s not entirely certain that being attracted people similar to the group you grew up with is actually true anyways.
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 11:55 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Loretta: there’s a light-year of difference between what Georgia expressed (living in a undiverse area, having interests that are usually considered “white,” and therefore not finding many non-white or at least black men that share her interests), and the attitude that you can be unattracted (or attracted) to AN ENTIRE ETHNIC GROUP. Pretty much impossible, because there will be always someone who doesn’t fit whatever stereotype is being used to define that group.
That said, regarding the postcard: It sounds like something a black parent would think about their son (presumedly), hence the “girl” (an age difference between parent and fiance) and the tone.
Regarding the email: There is conflict in what she’s saying… she feels closer to her mother’s side of the family, who happens to be white. (That’s my family makeup too, BTW).
Since many sociologists have maintained that all things being equal, the ethnicity/traditions of the mother are often the ones passed on to children, why exactly does the poster identify herself primarily as a black woman? Is it a choice, or was it one made for her? Is it appearance based, as often happens? What makes her immediately need to identify herself as black only? (Am I the only person who calls themselves biracial anymore?
She may have other issues, and the callous side of my brain tends to say, “Feel like a racist? Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, goes *quack*quack*”
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 12:39 pm ¶
Rob wrote:
Preference in a race kinda trumps the feel good mantra of being colorblind, no?
Or do we cry “colorblind” when we’re on the defensive and “preference” when we’re on the offensive?
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 2:01 pm ¶
eric daniels wrote:
PLEASE give me a break with the “Imitation of Life ” pathos of simmie, georgia and the rest of the ‘biracial brigade and their hypocritical understanding and bad expericences with their black father to Gerogia’s “there’s no black men into indie rock’. And yes the girl is racist for making comments like that. If a black man had written his abiding love for white/asian women and said that ‘Black Women are harpies rhetoric you ladies would be on his behind like Micheal Vick on a pitbull.
Just because you are biracial does not shield you from being a racist or having attitudes like that. That girl was angry because she was seeing a black guy may be marrying that white woman and with many of you ladies justifying her attitude makes me wonder about your hypocrisy. Black Women or their biracial sistas are not immune from their racist attitudes.
MAMA !!!!! I’m SORRY i DIDN’T MEAN IT !!!
Jane from imitation of life
Posted 15 Sep 2007 at 7:24 pm ¶
TierListE wrote:
Race and attraction is very sticky issue and I just reserve judgment 99% of the time, because you can’t get in someone’s head and tell if they’re uninterested because they feel superior than a race, or for some more neutral reasonings, or societal reasons out of their control. For most it’s probably some make up of all three.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 12:44 am ¶
TierListE wrote:
I especially can’t say anything about it because I can’t connect to that reasoning; I’ve never had a base attraction/unattraction to a particular ‘race’ of man; the physical variation is too large. I know all turn up some disappointing specimen though
j/k. . .kinda
But I’m pretty lax in the physical department in general so, yeah, this wouldn’t be my area.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 12:55 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Eric Daniels: I better not be lumped in there just because I’m biracial too. And remember, the email post and the postcard are SEPERATE, by all accounts. And Georgia didn’t say that there were no back men into indie rock, she said that there were none THAT SHE’D ENCOUNTERED. Totally different, especially if she’s not in a very diverse area of the nation.
Now, if she’d said that she lived in a place like NYC or San Diego, we’d both call her on that.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 9:50 am ¶
ccch wrote:
I too have never been attracted to a black man (not even Will Smith) and therefore could never imagine to chastise a black male (or any man or woman) for feeling/saying the same, as I can empathise. I guess only in the USofA one’s made to continuously feel like a “traitor” for having a “preference” or a mature and moralistic “inclination”.
Man, I stated once that I’m learning so much from such blogs, as sometimes the articles and posters seem so worldly, open, accepting and respecting, but the last few articles and comments (from some) left me with the feeling that people are not even a tiny bit close to that precious full circle.
At least they remind me to stay my round, tight butt here in Europe!!!.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 9:58 am ¶
Sarah wrote:
Sewere: Sorry if my comment about “maybe she had a bad sample group” was misleading. I’m not trying to defend the emailer, but at the time I was wondering whether she’s never liked any of the black men she’s met not because of their race, but because individually, none of them were a good match for her. I didn’t mean to insinuate that all of the eligible black men she’s met are bad people or low-lifes, which magically turned her racist, just that they weren’t her type. She was probably given grief about this at some point, and the resulting guilt may have made her wonder if something _was_ wrong with her, leading to the fear that she could be racist. I’ve had similar moments of false guilt and self-blame, and I’m pretty loath to call racist on so little information, so I intentionally left my interpretation open.
But, now that I read her email again, her dislike _does_ seem to be broader than that, indicating a lack of attraction to black men as a whole. *sigh* Both post and email change in meaning every time I read them.
In the end, there’s just not enough information to really pin down either the poster or the emailer’s attitudes, not to mention the experiences that would have led to the formation of those attitudes–so many interpretations are possible.
I don’t think we should come to blows over such ambiguous statements.
Sorry if my comments seem wordy, confused, naiive, or ignorant. I’m just trying to learn alongside all of you. I really appreciate that you responded to my comment, Sewere! It made me go back and analyze my own comment and beliefs even further. That’s what I come here for!
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 3:20 pm ¶
bg wrote:
“The postcard and email are from different people. The email is in response to the postcard.”
Ah, DOH. Makes more sense now. Thanx for clarifying.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 3:21 pm ¶
TierListE wrote:
ccch- take the word ‘moralistic’ out of your definition; it doesn’t sound right, imo:
moralistic- narrowly and conventionally moral
Well, I still believe technically you can’t disqualify another race, if only because there’s a least a small group of that race that will basically look like your ‘prefered’ . . ‘race’ of people.
If it’s to the point that you can’t want someone who looks white because they’re not white in principle, than you have a problem.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 3:44 pm ¶
TierListE wrote:
*then
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 4:28 pm ¶
Ron wrote:
I think that her preference is quite natural and understandable. This lady should be able to have her preferences. I have never been attracted to a white woman and that does not make me a racist. I not attracted to asian or latin women either.
I prefer black women because it is natural and instinctive.
I have gone to school all my life with white, latina, and asian women but never found them to be remotely attractive based upon their body types. I prefer the athletic and contoured frame and hip to waist ratio of African-American women.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 5:22 pm ¶
dnA wrote:
I pity people who are “only attracted to one race,” or “not attracted” to one race in particular. Not just for the delusion inherent in each statement, (how could you possibly know what you have and have not been attracted to in your entire life, unless of course, you make it a point to be or not to be, and the idea that adding a value to certain looks that you withold from other is somehow “not racist”) but because ya’ll don’t even know what you’re missing. I mean I’ve never dated a white girl but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen some fly ass white girls.
And there are mad black men into Indie Rock. I meet few people of any race these days who listen to only one type of music. I’m half black and my favorite rock band is Fugazi, but just because I don’t talk about it all the time doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I try not to talk about video games or comic books either. (Those things tend to turn some girls off on the first date…I wonder why…)
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 6:25 pm ¶
Ange wrote:
@ccch
My job takes me all over the world, and Europeans are no less racist, they are just more polite with it. But things have been getting pretty unpolite in Ireland lately.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 8:10 pm ¶
NancyP wrote:
In the internet age, it seems stupid for someone to think that “blacks don’t like my favorite but obscure hobby/ music/ whatever “X” ” - geeks are found everywhere, and that should have been evident to anyone scanning a BBS or USENET listserv, let alone the modern blogiverse.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 9:31 pm ¶
cw wrote:
She said that she was raised by a black father and a white mother. You mean to tell me her father had no positive influence in her upbringing. Maybe she is feeling guilty about her father raising her and not being attracted to someone who is simular to him in color.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 10:00 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
Sarah, please don’t apologize. I was just taking your point and trying to add my spin to it, given my very concise style can come off harsh. Glad you are here and joining the discussion and be sure that we all mess up and we need discussions like this to help us see things differently. For example,
Ah, the racial essentialist argument…. The fact that humanity has been mixing since the dawn of time and the proof that there are large numbers of bi and multiracial folks on every single continent since before the construction of race should really put your theory right up there with gravity. Good luck on your Nobel Prize.
Just in case you missed it, no one here arguing that you* should* be attracted to anyone the argument of preferences based on race completely ignores the fact that racism continues to affect the manner in which we (negatively or positively) view whole swaths of people. To accept this as natural is to accept constructed divisions of humanity/aka race as definitive in characteristic/aka racism.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 10:37 pm ¶
eric daniels wrote:
MAMA !!!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean it !!!!
I always wished that Mahilah Jackson and her mother (in the casket)would have pimp- slapped Jane for ruining her coming home funeral with her phony hysterics. I love Mahailah Jackson and that song, and frankly I thought Sandra Dee was more the black woman’s daughter than Lana Turner in the movie.
That Biracial girl who posted that letter is just as racist as say ccch, who constantly blasts black men for their so- called sexist attitudes but doesn’t date or is attracted to one. Ccch, people like you are the reason I always say that black people in mixed realtionships ought to shut up about same - race love because how can you criticize someone you don’t even have any attraction to it’s hypocritical on it’s face .
Lyonside, my problem is the hypocritcal atttitude that some black and biracial women take (and now) all women when they deal with black men on gender. Like every black man leering at you wants to “make it rain” or loves harassing women. I have seen that if you make one criticism of women in general you ladies will “guilt trip” any brother with the rhetoric of the last 20 years. Now the difference is that black men are fighting back in this culture war between society and black men, We have been silenced for far too long and now some men are calling the rest of “you people” on their hypocrisy.
Ccch, please stay with the white guys, that’s one less headache we brothas don’t have to deal with. And I hope you are talking about white patriarchy because as you said, you don’t deal with black men.
Posted 16 Sep 2007 at 11:22 pm ¶
squidfly wrote:
It seems by many of the postings here that Hitlers vision of Anglo-beauty has been all but successful.
I don’t think irony is her issue it’s the continuation of the Ayryan propaganda machine that defines Heroic masculinity and Female romantic standards of love.
Hollywood has spent the last eighty years projecting the rules of love and romance.
Posted 17 Sep 2007 at 1:01 am ¶
squidfly wrote:
Sorry Aryan
Posted 17 Sep 2007 at 1:02 am ¶
Marilla wrote:
Carmen,
A friend and I are Postsecret junkies and read its weekly updates. When we saw its first noticeably racist postcard (TOO BAD I’M NOT ASIAN) and Angry Asian Man chose to ignore my e-mail protesting it, I wondered when anybody would choose to pick up this problem. Thank goodness for bloggers like yourself.
p.s. David (my co-editor of The Blaaag) and I saw you at NYCAASC this April! You were great!
Posted 17 Sep 2007 at 3:01 am ¶
bdsista wrote:
I think it is racist to dismiss an entire race of people and it is a slap in the face to her father to not be attracted to someone her father’s race. As for the postcard, I feel that way every time I see a brother crossing the line. Maybe I feel stronger about it because I attended two HBCUs and KNOW there are intellligent beautiful Black men and women out there. So for the sending of the postcard and ccch, I say great, get the hell out of the way and leave the remaining good black men for me and my girlfriends who btw are all professional women who attended Tuskegee and Howard and Love Love Love the brothers. Oh and I have interracially dated as well. Ex-hubby was Black and Japanese as are my first cousins. Love Black men, but if he’s phine, and meets my requirements and treats me right, then any shade/race will do!
Posted 17 Sep 2007 at 5:50 pm ¶
Angela wrote:
Why should anyone “pick up this problem” of racist postcards on postsecret? People post terrible things that they are ashamed of. There are many violent and sexist cards posted, the people who write them know what they are thinking is wrong (this is why it’s a secret). Do you think it should be censored or should people protest? That seems so illogical.
The sentiments expressed are just symptoms, discussions about them could be productive . It’s not like some of the recent coverage of white women bragging about thier racism.
Posted 17 Sep 2007 at 9:30 pm ¶
Michelle wrote:
I agree with Angela on this one. I have many deep dark secret thoughts, desires, wishes, fanatasies. However, they don’t define me.
If a person uses this post card project as therapy, then maybe that is one more person out there who has exercised their demons and can lead a more productive life.
It is, however, like Angela said, extremely productive to discuss the dis-ease that causes such inner torment, shame, etc.
Posted 18 Sep 2007 at 11:17 pm ¶
Colin wrote:
I sort of disagree on the PostSecret deal with Angela and Michelle. While discussing the POSSIBLE motives and thoughts expressed is valued; I worry that the almost complete secrecy makes it ultimately fruitless, if the goal is to actually fight racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc.
It’s quite possible one could just espouse whatever nasty, knowingly hateful thoughts we may have and then just turn and go on with our day, possibly learning to dismiss societal reaction to them altogether. Maybe it’s much ado about nothing; maybe not, I just worry over that a bit.
1. How can they tell which is the woman’s hand and which is the man’s? Is it possible someone was irate and just assumed it was a black man and white woman?
2. georgia, there should be black men into rock in MA, really. I’m a brotha into all types of music and I know more men into diverse musical styles than not, and I live in a not-so diverse suburb of Chicago.
3. The letter poster is ambiguous as hell, but the racism seeps into her speech. “Never been attracted” seems like a strong statement to make if she wasn’t from Jump St. ready to write off all brothas, including yours truly.
Posted 19 Sep 2007 at 8:13 pm ¶
squidfly wrote:
Michelle wrote:
I agree with Angela on this one. I have many deep dark secret thoughts, desires, wishes, fanatasies. However, they don’t define me.
It is a known fact that our unconscious determines our behaviour.
Posted 24 Sep 2007 at 3:22 pm ¶