by Carmen Van Kerckhove
Seems like people are in a confessional mood this month when it comes to race. Check out this gem from PostSecret (thanks Angela!) and the response email that they received:
—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, July 16, 2007 7:14 PM
Subject: PostSecret
I am a racist and I am in a long-term relationship with someone of a different race. It’s hard because you know you’re wrong for feeling that way, but you just cant help it.
*sighs*
*heavy sigh* I don’t even know what to say about this……
Yes, it seems like it’s some sort of sympathetic “pat on the back” racism desensitizing trend.
This does not surprise me! This is also why after some people say the L (love) word, the N word is never too far behind in angry split second. I will never believe in color blind love rhetoric or dishonest talk like “I’m with a black etc. person/have black etc. friends, so I’m not and can’t be racist”.
In example, regarding anti-black racism, it irks me how a racist non-black person could despise an entire race, but able to “tolerate” that one denatured black person just for their own personal gratification. What angers me also, they usually turn around and have black “biracial” children and adamantly declare to the world that their child should never be called black or associated with being black (as IF, this is such a bad thing - I’m just saying).
Naturally, this is also why an anti-black racist can “love” their black “biracial” children as an equal human, they can mentally disassociate them from being… black. Especially after being a “black” person today, can still usually be made up of having all kinds of backgrounds and heritage. It’s also interesting, how compared to any other mix race groupings, there’s a more blatant campaign for parents of black biracial children who want their kids to be anything other oppose to just being “black” (again, as if something is wrong with embracing or being perceived as just “black”). Anti-black hatred, by the white parent, and the usual self-hatred by the black parent. Just my opi, and I’m just venting because I hate when kids are evolved in racist foolishness.
La,
i think this post reveals something that we often talk about here…which is that being in an interracial relationship is not a free pass against racist behavior and thoughts.
i mean we don’t hear things from mysoginists who beat their wives, for example, say things like “well, i can’t hate women! afterall, i am dating one!”
how is dating a person of different racial or ethnic background from yourself necessarily proof of your not being racist?
while this is indeed something disturbing to anyone that reads it, i feel like it’s a positive thing for the person who admits it.
personal growth only occurs when one realizes they have room to grow. and the way it’s phrased, it doesn’t seem like this person is proud of being racist, but that he/she is in conflict because of it. maybe it isn’t the best idea to publicize it, because it seems to only be one part of the internal discourse this person is having with themselves. but in general i feel that it might be the start of a constructive outcome.
i mean i do this all the time, albeit internally. i always try to reflect on the ways i might impose sexism on the women in my life, regardless of the fact that i love them. and even though i recognize that as a man i will always be sexist in some form or another regardless of how much i improve upon myself, it doesn’t mean that any admittance of my sexism is a call for sympathy.
or maybe i’m being too optimistic with this person. 
unfortunately wendy i’m pretty sure misogynists say that all the time
Clearly this person is working with a different definition of “Love” than I am.
Serious question: what exactly have we learned about the confessor?
More specifically, to what are we responding?
Neil: I agree. To clarify to others, it’s a tiny positive (+2), but overall, the person is still in the negative (-100 + 2 = -98).
Usually, people admitting at AA meetings, “My name is __ and I’m an alcoholic,” aren’t proud of being alcoholic, but they want to overcome it first by recognizing that it’s a problem.
i honestly think that you guys are being too hard on this person.
yes, he/she is racist, but how often do you hear someone not only say that they are racist, but that they acknowledge that they’re WRONG in being racist?
give some credit towards the fact that this person is using this anonymous medium to vent out something that they’re obviously troubled about. you have to admit it takes courage to even admit a fault like that. from what the message says, i don’t think they’re asking for a ‘pat on the back’, nor do i think that they’re using their involvement with a person from another race as rationalization for their own racism. i don’t even see how some of you are coming to that conclusion.
while racism should be fought on all fronts, there should also be some consideration for people who are willing admit it in themselves AND it’s moral repugnancy.
we talk about michael kramer needing to acknowledge his racism and his accountability, but look at how we react when someone DOES acknowledge racism (with acknowledgement of it being wrong as well) within themselves.
lol, michael kramer. i meant michael richards.
I think most of the commenters here are taking these people to be admitting to be racists of the worst sort. I didn’t get that impression. The most likely interpretation is that we’re dealing with people here who recognize the unconscious effects of residual racism on their involuntary responses to people of other races, don’t like those effects, and have even been willing to pursue close relationships with people across race lines. It’s bad that they have those unconscious responses, but everyone here seems to be reacting as if it’s bad that they recognize it and are willing to confess it.
Just a side note: it says “children with color.” I thought that the term was “of color,” not with. Which is the correct term?
yes, he/she is racist, but how often do you hear someone not only say that they are racist, but that they acknowledge that they’re WRONG in being racist?
Admitting you know you’re wrong for doing something racist while you still do it and perhaps - well know you may always continue to do it - even after admitting, doesn’t make you or the situation any better (especially if it’s already innate).
Sounds more like boarder line arrogance to me. Perhaps it could also sound like someone with hopes of hearing from other sympathetic and like minded company to help ease guilt or to confirm that maybe it’s “understandable ” to think this way.
Yes, it may be vague, but it still speaks volumes. I think.
“Admitting you know you’re wrong for doing something racist while you still do it and perhaps - well know you may always continue to do it - even after admitting, doesn’t make you or the situation any better (especially if it’s already innate).”
ouch. if that’s the case, then i guess no one is ever redeemable for anything bad that they’ve been raised on. i suppose with that logic, alcoholics, drug users, people who eat too much, people who eat too little, and just about anybody that has ever had a destructive trait can never be make their situation better, because they won’t necessarily be able to quit cold turkey and might have the “innate” urge to do it again.
that’s a really sad and bleak outlook on humanity. again, i’ll use my own experiences as an example;
i feel like i’m always trying to check myself when it comes to my interactions with women. and just when i get proud of myself for progressing as far as i have in my quest to rid myself of the inherant sexism i was raised with, i catch myself saying something condescending or patronizing. of course, even after apologizing, it doesn’t change the fact that it has been said. but what’s important is to realize that the struggle to improve oneself is a lifelong one. i will be constantly trying to work on checking myself, and i will get better at it, but i most certainly do not delude myself into thinking that i will one day be at the point where i will be ‘perfect’.
now this note is coming from a website that provides an anonymous space to say whatever the heck you want to get off your chest. there is no reason for it be said in arrogance, because there is no identity behind this comment. it’s anonymous. that’s the point. to me, this just reads as one person getting this issue off their chest, because they obviously can’t really talk about it with anyone else. not as a springboard for discussion on other blogs. not as a provocation towards people of color. just as an anonymous journal entry on a website of anonymous journal entries. just for him/her-self.
Wha-What!? How does this sort of thinking even exist?
I just feel sorry for the children she/he has. Until she figures a way to get past her “racist” feelings and preconceived notions about the group of people she is racist against (which presumably is the same ethnic background of his/her wife/husband, and mix heritage of his/her kids) then the best he/she can do is love them on “condition” instead of “unconditional” like a parent should. All this because of skin color or ethnic background! My goodness!
i agree with neil here. however, considering that people think things like this all the time, and when they do come out as having a problem (of being a racist in this case) we criticize them for it (making the problem go a bit deeper inside…so that is remains in the privacy of one’s home or his/her own brain) how do we bridge the gap?
What can honestly be done to “help” people not be racist? How can we un-do the damage society has done by making people racist in the first place? I don’t think racism will ever go away, but I think we can find ways to make people see what’s wrong with it and possibly lessen its popularity. I just wonder what the process will be for people (like most) whom racism is a private issue?
i’m with Neil on this. actually, i’m of the belief that all white people are taught to be racist by mainstream American white supremacist culture and all of our racist institutions. and people of color can be taught to be bigots against one another. the only way a self-identified white person can be anti-racist is if they are consciously struggling to learn and undo all the racist propaganda they have been fed since birth. so the first step in this struggle is admitting that you are racist and not getting caught up in being defensive. if more people admit to their internalized racist thoughts and/or bigotry, then we get that much closer to talking about the problem, undoing the mistruths and then……..healing.
“Admitting you know you’re wrong for doing something racist while you still do it and perhaps - well know you may always continue to do it - even after admitting, doesn’t make you or the situation any better (especially if it’s already innate).”
Racism is not innate; it is learned. I’ve heard some people say things like, “to destroy racism, let’s kill all the racists” as if racism is something genetic. It is not.
In the United States, Chinese people are perceived to be hard-working “model minorities”. In Japan, Chinese people are perceived to be criminals that bring down society. This is not due to average genetic differences between Americans and Japanese in terms of expressions of a “racist gene”, but it is because of a whole complex of issues including differences in immigration and media images. Racism is perpetuated by the media and lack of critical thinking.
See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error
Neil:
I’m not sure how long you’ve been visiting Racialicious, but this sort of thing is really not that new:
“Racism as a Lifestyle Choice”
In that story and in the woman’s subsequent posts she is completely unapologetic and seems unwilling to change her attitude. She believes that her negative experiences - which have also happened to her Black neighbors, so they may not be racially motivated entitle her to be racist. Not only that, she has recieved so many accolade for her courage in proclaiming to the world I am a racist, that when given ideas on how to interact better with her community she brushes it off.
But getting back to this postcard, the mother or father from these stories could’ve easily sent it:
“Fertility Clinic Mixup Results in ‘Black’ Baby for ‘White’ Parents”
“Race as a Disability: an update on fertility clinic mixup case”
I really hope that burn that family photo before the little girl gets old to ask why her parents look so miserable. And let’s hope she never googles herself:
“while we love Baby Jessica as our own, we are reminded of this terrible mistake each and every time we look at her…each and every time we appear in public.”
Wow. I really wish there was a “Preview” button! ^_^;;
i think neil’s point though is that admitting one is racist doesn’t always yield the same result (namely those articles previously posted on racialicious).
given that postsecret a community that is completely anonymous, the point of this person’s admission on postsecret was probably not to give herself a pat on the back or pride herself for being so gracious as to admit it, but as neil said, it was more likely to admit something that she’s probably very troubled about. unlike “racism as a lifestyle choice,” this person didn’t willingly put his or her name on something he or she knew would spark a heated debate.
we can assume with the context of this postcard that this isn’t something the person has the courage to admit to everybody on a regular basis, and that this isn’t something this person gets accolades for doing.
Major cognitive dissonance issues.
“unlike “racism as a lifestyle choice,” this person didn’t willingly put his or her name on something he or she knew would spark a heated debate…
we can assume with the context of this postcard that this isn’t something the person has the courage to admit to everybody on a regular basis, “
Perhaps not yet, maybe they’re testing the waters like the others. Seeing all the pacifying and empathy, it’s only a matter of time admitting to racism gets comfortable and trendy while the practice still continues. I also wonder if her “guilt” only now comes out of fear for her “colored” children. Knowing there are others that think like her and worse.
Sorry if I seem cynical, but I’m glad that people are at least admitting it. However, I would never pacify, or emphasize with racism on top of that. This also gives off a perilous signal of acceptance for some. It should still be what it is, even though it has many different levels and particulars. I’m just speaking in general.
Neil,
I also understand your point. However, I don’t compare racism to alcoholism or eating disorders.
Alcoholism and eating disorders are diseases that consist of self inflicting substances, sometimes used to “coop” with hardship, feelings of oppression or personal inadequacies, etc. These people are “usually” sincere in their wanting help because they eventually realize as hard as it is, they are doing more damage to themselves (even though they may still hurt others.)
Racism on the other hand, is a little more calculating and sinister in my opinion. It’s a practice deliberately used to impose hate, oppression or blame on others. Usually to deflect personal inadequacy or to rationalize wanting feelings of “superiority”. etc. Racist people, still feel more of the overall personal gain keeping their “habit”. Therefore, less effort to change even if they admit to being racist and even say they want to change. Just my opi…
I meant “cope”.
I’m a queer woman of color & admit that at times I’ve had racist, sexist & homophobic thoughts. I think most human beings have at some point negative stereotypes cross their minds. The way our ism’s are expressed & understood may be different from culture to culture but all cultures & peoples have an inherent need to judge for various reasons. Sometimes the reasons are for survival & other times it’s just plain silly.
This postcard proves that yes one can be racist & still be in a relationship with a person of a different race. I’m in love with my partner & have to work on my prejudices towards the folks she’s come from. Folks that on one side of my family I come from too. I come from slaves & slave owners & so I have to deal with many levels of internal & external racism.
That being said if my 1st and only step towards dealing with any and all demons (racism, homophobia, addiction) is to simply admit it & do nothing else than I’m missing the growth opportunity. I have to admit the problem & then find meaningful solutions & take action by working on change while forgiving myself so that I don’t get so bogged down with guilt I become ineffective.
This postcard stirs up many things for us. Let’s hope the writer can find the courage to not just admit her problem but work on it too!
~F
Most of anything I’d want to say has been said by others here, with the following exceptions (I think):
Jeremy Pierce: [closet racists] “have even been willing to pursue close relationships with people across race lines…”
Oh no, I don’t think this author or others like him/her DELIBERATELY pursued a relationship - it’s more likely that s/he fell into a relationship(s) that HAPPENED to be racially unsimilar. Happens all the time. My own anti-racist mom has always said, “I didn’t go out LOOKING for a black man, I fell in love with a man who was black.”
And “relationship” is a flexible term, that doesn’t mean marriage or long partnership, that doesn’t even necessarily mean monogamy or that the children mentioned are of the same ethnic backgrounds. All the poster says is that the children are of color.
And on that note:
Jeff: The term generally is “of color,” although the easy challenge to the term is, “isn’t every human (save albinos) of or with color?”
Either way, what was once a term of politeness is still an “othering” statement. “Of color” lumps everyone non-European (mostly) together into one large category of non-whiteness, as if that category can be defined at all…
Some white women with biological biracial children say “WITH color” to state that their own children have a non-white skinned father (remember, you can be a biracial “white” person too). I usually hear them say “chidren OF color” when they refer to other people’s children. Usually.
I htink the posters here are just tired of all the admissions w/out real actions. If these admissions always resulted in action, then we’d be a little further in our fight to minimize racism. We mostly hear “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it”. Well, I think most racists know that it’s wrong, and many may have admitted it before, but you know what? It doesn’t CHANGE anything. Doesn’t rehire the black man that was unfairly fired, doesn’t erase the 20 years he spent falsely imprissoned, doesn’t erase a 5 year old black girls experience of being spit at on her 1st day of kindergarden at an all white school, or a 13 year old biracial girl of a white woman overhearing her mother put down her hair texture and “other black women’s naddy, greasy, nappy hair”.
Actions make changes. Yeah, your racism is wrong…now what?
Funny how we’re speculating about what this person’s like based on ten words. (Although admittedly most comments haven’t implied they were doing anything more than speculating.)
Also, I question the choice of (crowded) black letters on dark red background. Hard to read. Tsk tsk.
Oops, make that *twelve* words. I guess my thesis is a bit weaker now.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of New Demographic, an anti-racism training company. She hosts the podcast Addicted to Race and blogs at Racialicious, Anti-Racist Parent, and Race in the Workplace.
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Black male attention = fat ass at Racialicious - the intersection of race and pop culture on 22 Aug 2007 at 10:00 am
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