But You Don’t Look . . .
by Racialicious special correspondent Wendi Muse
On Wednesday, June 20th, when Jessie Marie Davis was still missing, the presence of a newborn baby left on Hallie Redman’s doorstep in Wooster Township, Ohio caused a great deal of suspicion. Could this be the missing woman’s child? She was in the third term of her pregnancy, after all, and the county where Davis went missing was close by. Was this simply a coincidence or a new twist in a local mystery?
Though investigators decided to take DNA samples of the child to verify whether or not it could be that of Davis, the reporter working on the story provided his answer for us:
[Redman] described the girl as “beautiful” with tufts of dark hair. She said the baby appeared white; Davis’ family said the baby she is carrying is biracial.
Though possibly not the author’s intention, the juxtaposition of the two phrases that make up the last sentence “the baby appeared white” and “the baby she is carrying is biracial” was an interesting one. There was no “but” inserted, but the use of the semicolon creates a paradox of sorts in the reader’s mind. Whiteness is considered pure and evokes a certain set of physical features, whereas “biracial,” when used in this sentence, serves the opposite purpose. The reader is left to assume, by phrase placement alone, that “white” and “biracial” as physical descriptions are polar opposites—that a biracial baby could certainly not be white in appearance.
This, of course, is not true, as the appearances of bi-/multi-racial people run the gamut, but I was less fascinated with this implication and more intrigued by the author’s having utilized one of my favorite race-based assumptions: the “But You Don’t Look (fill in the blank)” racial category. You know, that panic-inducing, racially ambiguous classification where many people of color find themselves because their appearance doesn’t match what most people see on tv or in magazines of their Hollywood-appointed racial representatives. I suppose I can’t hold the author entirely at fault, especially considering that all human beings LOVE to categorize. The European Enlightenment taught us that the codification, classification, and obsessive compulsive organization of everything we experience with our senses is key to human progress. It was so important, in fact, that we incorporated it into our concepts of self. Armed with a little box and a hyphen, we set out to define ourselves (and others) as Asian-American, Arab-American, African-American and the like. We even took the time to match these categories with visual images, as to limit any potential confusion.
Somewhere along the way, however, we became too skilled at this craft, so much so that upon meeting those who did not fit comfortably into the categories we had learned to embrace, we went into a moment of shock, with word vomit as a side effect. Slight accusatory in nature, the awkward little sentence “But you don’t look. . .” came into being. Sometimes, it remains unfinished, as the racially ambiguous person is so “different” that we can’t even come up with a racial, ethnic, national, or regional category to complete phrase. Other times, however, relying on our uncanny ability to see a feature or two and place it into one of those tiny boxes, we end the sentence with a word (“But you don’t LOOK Latina . . .”).
I’ve had to comfort people who seemed distraught about my racial background many a time. In fact, I have even come to accept this half declarative/half interrogative sentence as a common feature of conversation. I am so comfortable with it now that I have my own little phrase to use as a reply. When asked “what are you?” or when my racial background is challenged with a “but you don’t look . . .” or “but you can’t be 100%. . .” I am known to reply:
“My family is black, white, and Native American—you know, the slavery era remix.”
It tends to either shut down the conversation altogether or makes the identity interrogator laugh, though I admit, I have not always been this prepared.
As a child growing up in Memphis, where, at the time, racial diversity meant you were black, white, or “mixed” (black and white), my racial identity was questioned a lot. I never considered myself “exotic-looking,” but some others did. “Is your daddy Chinese???” my kindergarten classmates would ask on account of my small, almond-shaped eyes and “good hair” (their words, not mine). I would reply “no,” but I wasn’t really quite sure. My dad died when I was one, and from pictures of him I had seen, he didn’t “look Chinese,” but as a 5 year old, my ideas on race weren’t quite as advanced as they are now. Needless to say, the questioning left me a bit confused, and ultimately led to my mother having “the talk” with me. Not about sex (that was done much earlier—Mom was all into progressive parenting), but about race. “Wendi, we’re black,” she said. “I am black, you are black, and Daddy was black too.”
Well good. Clears that up. But considering the fact that I was a little kid, I had problems with the terms “black” and “white” because they ran head-on against my apolitical ideas on color. I wasn’t “black,” I frequently asserted. I was “Tan,” referring to the crayon box color that matched my skin tone. My mother was “Beige” and my dad, or at least what I could tell from pictures, was a reddish brown color Crayola had named “Mahogany.” I didn’t know what being “black” meant at the time, so I continued to live in a world with varying shades of brown and peach as my way of understanding race.
It wasn’t until I was called “nigger” for the first time or when I was the only black person in my grade or the only black girl at a dance or when people asked to touch my hair or whether or not I tanned that I had a clearer idea as to what my blackness meant and how race worked in our country. Or so I thought . . .
College was another story altogether. During my first year of college in NYC, it surprised me to see people of African and Asian descent speaking Spanish. The stereotypical physical representations I held of people from various regions of the world were completely eroded after living away from home. It was a culture shock when people would come up to me speaking Spanish, assuming that I was Latina, only to be thrown off when my reply was a bit delayed (or distorted by a Brazilian Portuguese accent thanks to language classes that had recently derailed my perfect Spanish from high school instruction). I was constantly asked questions about my background, and realized that the assumptions that my appearance solicited directly correlated with what I was wearing, the race of the group of friends I happened to be with at the time, or even how long or short I wore my hair.
This unintentional ethnic chameleonism only became more confusing for me when I traveled abroad. In São Paulo, I was a Bahiana. In Paris, I was Moroccan or, generically put, “Arab.” In Madrid, I was Dominican/Cuban. It served a positive purpose in many ways, especially considering that fitting the blonde-haired, blue-eyed image people have of North Americans is not always the best in terms of personal safety in certain countries, as it sometimes screams “tourist” more than Bermuda shorts and disposable cameras. But at the same time, depending on those who perceived identity x, my appearance proved to be a hefty weight to bear (like in Madrid, where I was mistaken as a prostitute on her day off on several occasions, despite my being properly dressed at all times).
Overall, if anything, the experience of not always fitting into a box in terms of my appearance has taught me to abandon racial classifications of others that I used to form in my own head. I don’t make assumptions any more, and the novelty of multilingualism from “unlikely” sources has worn off.
What does surprise me, however, is that people, to this day, continue to assume that if you are one race or another, or even a combination of many, that you must look a certain way or identify as what they assume you to be. Statistics seem to show that people, for better or for worse, tend to eventually identify themselves based on the perceptions of others. Perfect examples of this is how few people in Latin America identify as “black” despite the prevalence of people of African descent, due mainly to the term’s social significance and respective nations’ racial categorization choices made during political movements, and the recent studies showing that people in the U.S. who are of multiracial backgrounds, unlike their Latin American counterparts, are choosing to identify themselves as one race (usually the race with which most closely resembles). Despite how people have come to classify themselves, it’s something that should be left to them as individuals, not necessarily dictated by the opinions or political motivation of others, especially if these externally-assigned categorizations rely on stereotypes and limited knowledge of the diversity within a racial group.
What do these shifts say about how different societies deal with race? Or even moreso, how limited our approach is to understanding race and how it translates in appearance? I wonder if we will ever be able to shake free of the (often times intra-racially imposed) restricting definitions of “looking like” x race or “acting like” y race? I really hope so, because entertaining the self-serving interests of curiosity vultures is getting rather old, don’t you think?
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
dnA wrote:
Even though I’m half black and half Jewish, everyone expects me to know how to speak spanish. Like you, when I was in North Africa people assumed I was North African, in Puerto Rico people assumed I was Rican, and after coming to work in the same building for months the cop at the entrance, whose seen me every day for half a year, asked me if I was heading to the consulate of a central American country that is in our building.
But I am what I am, no matter what people think I “look like”. Sometimes I really wish people would get over it.
I was thinking earlier today about a girl I dated in high school, who like me, was biracial. I broke up with her not because I didn’t like her (we remained friends for years afterwards) or because she wasn’t attractive (we hooked up a few times) but because at 17, I was already thinking about what my kids would look like, and I feared that if I somehow “ended up with her” my kids would deal with the same problems I’ve had to deal with.
It made me think about how freaking traumatized my experience with race and being biracial has made me that I would consider such a thing as a teenager in a casual relationship.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 12:23 pm ¶
Steve Wingate wrote:
I think this was much ado about nothing. I would have been offended if the guy had said “the baby was beautiful, but the family said the baby was bi-racial”. A more direct declaration that a bi-racial baby couldn’t be beautiful.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 12:33 pm ¶
gatamala wrote:
A friend of mine who doesn’t look ____, gets: “ohhhh! Now I see it!” after she clarifies her background.
Sadly, I’m not optimistic. You’d think w/ international media, globalization…..
If I had.05 for every time I heard, “you don’t look American” or “where are your parents from?”
The US gets it for having a 1-drop rule, which I will concede, is silly. However, I don’t find infinite categories (morena/prieta/negrita/triguen~a/india clara/india oscura) an “improvement”. Nor do I see them as ameliorating racial prejudice, discrimination and color-based socioeconomic issues. Such classification is, in effect, racial 3-card monte. Find the “spade”! We don’t have any! There is no racism here! (I have heard that verbatim). How the classification system is constructed is only one part of the issue.
…how limited our approach is to understanding race and how it translates in appearance
Considering how physical characteristics are the initial criteria in placing someone into a slot, I’d guess that categorization will continue…perhaps with more caveats/possibilities.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 1:41 pm ¶
LM wrote:
dnA,
How has your thinking changed since then, if it has?
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 2:05 pm ¶
dnA wrote:
This is what a commenter on my site a few minutes ago had to say about the Davis child:
I guess it doesn’t matter to some people what the baby looks like, does it?
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 2:14 pm ¶
jd wrote:
To Steve,
There are comments that are offensive because they are inherently insulting or negative and then there are those that are offensive because they show that the speaker can’t or won’t grasp a certain concept. Juxaposing “beautiful” and “biracial” would be an example of the first, but I think that what was actually said (juxtaposing “appears white” with “biracial”) is a good example of the second. The more common the ignorance behind that sort of statement is, the more annoying it’s likely to be. (The fact that no one is entitled to personal information from a stranger just because one happens to be curious is a concept that people need to wrap their head around, for example.)
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 2:21 pm ¶
Wendi Muse wrote:
Steve Wingate: the question at hand was not whether or not the biracial child was beautiful, nor did I assert at any point that i was offended by what the reporter said. what’s more the focus of the piece is what “biracial” (or any race, for that matter) “looks like” and how we tend to think of race as all or nothing, forcing everything into tiny little boxes…
there are plenty of biracial people that “look white,” so it was just an interesting slip up, an assumption that biracial people have a certain look, when that’s not the case
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 2:45 pm ¶
dnA wrote:
Well, I’m old enough to know if you’re lucky enough to find love, it should matter what race the person is (or looks like).
But my brother is getting married soon, to a white woman, and certain thoughts have occured to me, like what my nieces/nephews are going to think of their crazy radical uncle, and if I have kids, how they will interact with each other, especially if they look very different….
This issue can’t be solved at a macro level. It’s up to the individual. I’ve been told by many people that I don’t “look black” but as Wendi points out, that’s pretty subjective. There certainly are many people who identify as black who look as “white” or “whiter” than I do.
Being high yellow hasn’t kept Damian Marley or Sean Paul from identifying as black, regardless of how they might look to anyone. Nor are such people are rare as Americans have been led to believe.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 3:01 pm ¶
Guerita wrote:
Reminds how people in my school react when they find out I’m half Mexican and half European American. People tell me I look white and Asian, Italian, and always tell me that I don’t look mexican. Once I had a girl tell me that I looked “Mixed”. Heh
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 4:02 pm ¶
Blanky wrote:
dnA:
You can’t be half Jewish; Judaism is a religion.
Do you mean half Sephardi/Ashkenazim/etc.?
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 4:43 pm ¶
Bianca Reagan wrote:
one less n*glet running around.
dnA, was that commenter Uncle Ruckus?
I couldn’t help but LOL at that fool’s ignorance. Someday I hope to have my own little n*glets running around. I won’t call them that, though. They will have names.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 5:16 pm ¶
Oranguteena wrote:
Regarding comments about being asked about one’s ethnic heritage, I wonder if I might ask a question - is it ever acceptable to ask someone about that? I definitely understand jd’s point about strangers never being entitled to ask for personal information like that, but is it something you would be willing to be asked by a friend or acquaintance, and if so, is there a way to phrase it that is acceptable or is it inherently marginalizing? (I’m going to go ahead and admit that I’ve asked a few people “where is your family from” thinking it was the best way to go about asking that question, but judging from Gatamala’s comment it probably isn’t.)
It seems like something that should be fair game to ask a friend, given that origins (ethnic, racial, national, or whatever) are such an important part of identity for many people. However, I’m also not a person of color so I’m aware that if people ask me that question it never is really alienating, nor does it suggest that I don’t belong (assuming I’m asked in the U.S., where people like me are generally visually recognized as “American”). So my experience of the question is clearly a lot different and a lot less regrettable than that of the other commenters here.
I would love to know what people think about my question - it would really help me get some perspective on whether I should just remove this query from my conversational habit or if I could ask it better.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 5:32 pm ¶
dnA wrote:
Jews are an ethnic group as well as a religion. “White” does not adequately describe my father’s family’s background.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 6:05 pm ¶
Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:
Hi Oranguteena,
You might be interested in reading this New Demographic advice column from a couple years ago in which I address this question. I’d be curious to hear others’ views on this too.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 6:08 pm ¶
Charles wrote:
Excellent post. I have experienced variations on this theme many times over the course of my life. People have used racial slurs in my presence and when they notice the muted horror on my face say something like… “Oh, I’m sorry Charles. I just don’t consider you to be black.”
It strikes me that many of these messy issues are all about who has the power to define and who does not.
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 6:37 pm ¶
Meg wrote:
Probably my bias to this subject, and wierd sense of humour, but the bit about word vomit is some of the best writing i’ve read in a while , really sums up my feelings on the subject
“that upon meeting those who did not fit comfortably into the categories we had learned to embrace, we went into a moment of shock, with word vomit as a side effect.”
Seriously though - Wendi’s post hits on the one thing that has frustrated the hell out of me since as long as i can remember. And i’m not an american so i don’t think it’s unique to americans. I constantly get people not believing my (Asian) mum is related to me and ppl will say to me “but you don’t look asian” or “oh yeah i can see it, you have dark hair/eyes” or “that explains the nose”. If i’m lucky and my “secret identity” as a Eurasian, is revealed i get “don’t worry, you don’t look asian”.
If it was just from strangers i could probably suck it up, but it feels like a constant barrage from relatives (asian and caucasian), friends, media, etc. There’s no real understanding of the frustrations caused by such comments because we have a box of how “mixed” ppl are supposed to look and if you don’t fit into it then you get classed as something else, regardless of how you identify.
In regards to asking someones ethnic heritage - i think there are times when it comes up and is appropriate but my experience is someone will ask and then answer the questions for themselves. ie.
them:”what are you”
me: “eurasian”
them:*pictures of eurasian models whirring rapidly through their head*
them: “but you dont look it so you’re really white”
me: *bashes head against wall*
Posted 02 Jul 2007 at 9:23 pm ¶
Kai wrote:
Nicely said, Wendi. And thanks for linking to your older piece, Carmen, interesting as always.
It’s hard to get across just how often we’re forced to deal with the “what are you?” question — and I’m not even biracial. (Well, I suppose to be more precise I should say that I’m a Han-Manchu mix, but I think most Americans aren’t even aware that there are many ethnicities in China so I usually don’t even cross that bridge.) Common variations are “where are you from?” and “what nationality are you?” which both assume foreignness, but then again these formulations at least assume you’re human whereas “what are you?” seems to even cast doubt upon that. Most of us have probably developed a number of smart-ass responses to such questions, from eyerolling sarcasm to pissed-off stonewalling to resigned acquiescence, which we deploy according to our situation and mood.
Another twist in this formula which I’ve found rather annoying in recent years is being told, as a compliment or come on, that I look biracial; which, aside from being totally untrue, is an intended compliment that’s actually a racial insult if you examine the subtext.
As I see it, if you deserve to know someone’s exact ethnic make-up, it will come up in a natural and appropriate way, and the information will be volunteered when a person feels like telling you. As I see it, grilling a person of color early on and out of the blue about the details of their ethnic ancestry, with a looming unspoken sense that the answer will somehow shape the way you look at that person, is, at best, graceless and intrusive.
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 12:08 am ¶
FrancesM wrote:
Wendi-
Your post & some of the comments have been a breath of fresh air to me. Thank you so very much!
I myself am a slavery era remix (I love that BTW!) and have experienced the “what are you?” so much that I no longer answer the question from strangers for free. That’s right I charge a price. I got the idea after looking at the rent-a-negro pricing details on damali ayo’s website. It was then I realized that if my race(s) was so important to know, more important than who I am as a person, and that information is nowadays a commodity, then I would charge $50 in exchange for what my heritage is. Surprisingly no one has felt it was that important to know!
Oranguteena- I would ask you to ask yourself why it is important to know what someones background is. How does it help or benefit you in your life to know the race(s) of the folks around you?
One last thought: Recently a now ex-friend & I had a debate about the curiousity folks have about strangers ethnicities. She asserted that the curiousity was anthropological in nature and therefore okay. I personally thought that was a load of crap. Does anyone else feel that the curiousity is indeed anthropological? I’ve never had any anthropology students, professors or hobbyists alert me to being a part of their case study when thay asked about my heritage, but maybe I’m close-minded. Peace!
~F
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 12:13 am ¶
merq wrote:
Sometimes, that stuff happens even to “monoracials.”
I can’t count the number of times I heard I didn’t “look African” in college. Sigh, muthafucka. Sigh
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 12:31 am ¶
michelle wrote:
This is an interesting topic…I understand people being offended by people saying “But you don’t look __” but is it really that bad asking what someone is or where people are from? If you have an accent, people ask where you are from. So, if we are going to live in an increasing global society, why is that such a terribly personal question? Is it or rather, should it be socially unacceptable?
Case in point, I was working with a woman that, for different reasons, I assumed was Black. One, she didn’t look White and we were working on a project that dealt with issues relating to Black women. I dealt with her as a Black woman and said somethings that included her as part of my tribe so to speak, then she told me that she wasn’t Black. Her mother was Native American and her father was Swedish. She had been adopted by a Black family however and her vocal inflections closely resembled “typical” African American venacular english. Now, I know a lot of Black people. Some look European and some look Arab and some look Senegalese. It never occured to me to ask her what she was, so I made an assumption. Is it better to assume or is it better to be straight forward and just ask?
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 3:20 am ¶
Leigh-Anne wrote:
Excellent post, as always Wendi!
This is actually so bizarre, because I blogged a bit about this yesterday!
I hate being told I don’t look like whatever it is people expect me to look like…
It’s even more confusing as a 20somthing mixed race woman growing up in post-apartheid South Africa…
Like dnA, I also wonder how my kids will one day interact with their cousins. The fact that I haven’t actually had any yet is beside the point!
My older siblings are all unmixed white, and they’re all married to white partners. Right now, despite family pressure, I’m sort of seeing a black guy. It’s far from serious yet - I think - but I’m already wondering about skin colour and hair…
Yes, I know a healthy baby is the most important thing anyone should ask for, but already I’m fantasizing about a little brown baby with dreadlocks! My middle class (almost) white guilt and privilege wonders if I’m trying to compensate for being so light or make up for being mixed or trying to eliminate confusion or “buy back my blackness”…
Yes, I know, I’m confused and in need of therapy!
But still, it would be interesting to see how it all plays out in 10 or 20 years from now…
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 4:12 am ¶
georgia wrote:
I love this topic. As a biracial person I have also experienced many of the same questions that others have talked about in the comments.
When people ask me they really just seem to be curious. White people usually think I am South American, and many hispanic and Brazillian people have started talking to me in their native language only to be disappointed when I can barely respond.
I think that when strangers just start asking it is a bit bold, but some people are like that and don’t have any filters.
But I am also guilty of noticing mixed couples and their kids, and wondering about “mixed” looking people I see in public.
I think it comes from being 1 of only a few mixed kids at my highschool and feeling less alone when I see that there are other mixed people around.
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 7:50 am ¶
ccch wrote:
I’m mother of a biracial son, living in Switzerland where I’m also constantly bombarded with the “where’re you from?” question which used to irk the heck out of me, but understandable in a social environment as I DO LOOK DIFFERENT. What does get to me though is more the “….but your son doesn’t look …….” observations as I too took this as an assumption of what biracial people should look like. My son came out mostly with the features (hair/haircolour/eyes/) of his Dad, except his skin shade’s a perfect blend of our different races/ethnicities. Saying all that, I’ve learnt to be tolerant and understanding of human curiosities and find it fascinating when one does actually openly discuss ethnicities, differences in skin shades and dominant genes, we all come to the same conclusion: It’s beautiful, these blends, whether obvious or not.
By the way, I’m originally from the Caribbean, have Black and (East) Indian parents. My ex’s a red blond (but don’t tell him, he’s not fond of the red) from Switzerland with German granparents……:-))
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 7:50 am ¶
susanc wrote:
I’d have to agree that while the reporter might not have intentionally meant that a mixed baby isn’t as beautiful, it does seem to imply that…but sometimes I wonder if I’m reading too much into it…
As for people asking about one’s race, if it’s someone I know and depending on the context in which the question is asked, it usually doesn’t offend me. When a complete stranger or someone I just met asks about my race (especially when they use “what are you?”), that’s usually when I feel offended. To me, that’s like walking up to someone and asking them how old they are or what’s their salary…I don’t know you, why are you asking me personal questions?
Also, I think the thing that bothers me about the “where are you from” question is that people are assuming that I’m a foreigner, just because I don’t fit their image of the typical American. It’s also annoying how some people don’t accept your first answer and persist on continuing that line of questioning with “where are you really from?” or “no, what I meant was what’s your race?”
My brother, who frequently passes as white (whereas I look more Asian), sometimes thinks I’m making a big deal over nothing, but he doesn’t get questioned about his race all the time. I think that if you’ve been questioned about your race for as long as you can remember, you do tend to get a bit touchy about the subject!
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 8:53 am ¶
Wendi Muse wrote:
it’s also less about asking, but more about HOW the question is asked. it has been my experience that when people initially ask, it’s with a tone that makes me feel a bit like an alien, or like i am in the united states by mistake. what ARE you??? the appropriate response there would be human…
people also tend to ask “what nationality are you?” but are then totally confused when i simply say “american” as people often refer to nationality as a synonym for “race” or “ethnicity” when it is not…
so it’s less about asking, and more about HOW the asking is carried out that tends to bother me
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 9:28 am ¶
gatamala wrote:
Recently a now ex-friend & I had a debate about the curiousity folks have about strangers ethnicities. She asserted that the curiousity was anthropological in nature and therefore okay
I’m guessing your ex-friend got to the point quick, fast and in a hurry. That level of scrutiny is okay in the course of post-graduate study. Does she ask about diet and mating habits?
Oranguteena - curiousity is understandable, however, I do think it is easier for one minority to ask this of another. Consider how much you ask these questions, the level of intimacy you have with the subject, timing of the question and the circumstances. Once you have a relationship (NOT based on your curiousity) perhaps you can ask, “what is your ethnic background?” btw my comments were largely born of my experiences abroad. However, I have been de-americanized in my own country by immigrants and foreign nationals as well!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 9:36 am ¶
Latoya Peterson wrote:
Nicely done Wendi…
Loving the “slavery remix” comment, but I never get asked about my background. I guess it’s pretty obvious…
This whole post reminds me of that Murs song, “Dark Skinned White Girls…”
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 10:19 am ¶
Wendi Muse wrote:
thanks…just a li’l P.S. “the slavery-era remix” mainly came from my having to constantly explain how my family was part white…i got tired of having to explain that part of the reason i look the way i do is the result of a slave master’s lack of self-control . . .
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 10:45 am ¶
Keke wrote:
My husband is from a multiracial background and gets the “What are you…,” question thrown at him constantly. Some people will automatically assume he is Hispanic. Often people will speak to him in Spanish until they realize he speaks only English. Once, someone rudely commented “I’ve never seen an Arab man with green eyes. Is your mother caucasian?” That question was so loaded with racist overtones that he just walked away. It drives him crazy that people are always assuming and trying to put him into neat little categories.
Though I am an African American, I have had people quickly reassess me and tell me “you’re not really black,” after hearing me speak perfect Spanish. Or they would say “You’re probably Dominican/Cuban/Puerto Rican.” I just want to scream sometimes: Not everyone looks/acts/speaks/thinks and are the same!!!!!!! We’re all individuals!!!!
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 12:40 pm ¶
michelle wrote:
So what I am getting is that the question of one’s nationality is akin to asking someone how much they weigh. It is just rude, huh? I guess if I was someone who was constantly questioned about their race/ethnicity/background in a way that made me feel like an oddity, I would not like it very much either.
Thanks for the insight guys. Don’t ask, don’t tell, unless they got fifty dollars!
And Leigh-Anne, genes are a funny thing. You never know what your babies are gonna look like, even if many a deep chocolate man with locks. It is so funny, because there are some Black American women who secretly dream of having lighter babies with “good” hair, a hateful term but I use it because many of us still feel that way about hair. And here you are, with lighter skin and presumably straight hair, and you want brown babies. Isn’t there such irony there?
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 1:50 pm ¶
LM wrote:
One day I hope to write 1/2 as well as Wendi and Kai. Seconds on praising your piece from a few years ago, Carmen.
Past Carmen and Kai’s guidelines, I agree with Wendi: it isn’t about whether the topic arises, but how.
I am mostly open on both sides — don’t mind asking, don’t mind telling. But quite often I’ll be asked my nationality/race/ethnicity/etc. with a tone that says, “This is the clue that will unlock the puzzle!” Invariably this tone comes from people who have known me fewer than five minutes.
I sometimes add to my rejoinder: “What does that tell you about me?”
Posted 03 Jul 2007 at 4:49 pm ¶
Leigh-Anne wrote:
The genetic lottery is a an unpredictable one, I agree, Michelle!
Yes, I am light, with what my gran still calls “nice” hair. I can’t figure out what’s so damn “nice” about my hair! I want curls or locs, but they just don’t work with my hair!
In terms of skin colour, I look nothing my mother, but if anyone could be bothered to look closer, they’ll see definite resemblance…
At the end of the day, no matter who I have a family with, a healthy family is the most important thing.
Posted 04 Jul 2007 at 1:50 am ¶
Mireille wrote:
Oh I love this topic!
Just last week I was at work (my first job in an actual office) and one of my bosses asked “Where are you from?” while I was eating lunch. I replied “Um…Fairfax?” and he said “No, no, no What’s youre nationality?”. I wanted to resist and say “AMERICAN. Jerkface.”, but since he is my boss I relented and said “I’m asian” which seemed to satisfy him. Being ethnically ambiguos with a distinctly french name has gotten me my fair share of insulting questions. I once loved the attention of being an exotic “other” but now I’m simply annoyed.
Race is so arbitrary, honest. It’s defintions are different everywhere, and change over time.
ps. I love the point about the enlightenment, I try to point that out as much as possible as often as possible
Posted 04 Jul 2007 at 11:15 am ¶
Sabrina wrote:
My daughter is half-black and half white. She got my black feature but her father’s fair coloring. For YEARS no one believed I was her mother because she was so light. It was just crazy. The assumption seems to be that all biracial children are automatically dark.
Posted 04 Jul 2007 at 11:05 pm ¶
Ayda wrote:
I just wrote a poem about what I might say to to the next white person who is just curious about ‘where my parents come from’. I think that the anxiety of these questions is striking & I find myself wondering what exactly it is that white folks in particular find so fascinating/horrifying about biracial people.
Posted 04 Jul 2007 at 11:37 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:
I think the best question to ask is always “Are you from around here?” It’s a question that assumes belonging, rather than assuming foreignness. It’s a nice, low-demand question.
Posted 05 Jul 2007 at 4:02 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Atlasien: That works until it turns out that the person lived in your same town. Then the questioner will most likely go the “But where is your FAMILY from” route…
Posted 07 Jul 2007 at 3:54 am ¶
susanc wrote:
I’d have to agree with Lyonside about the next question being about where the family’s from. And if that answer doesn’t satisfy them, they usually move on to nationality or “country of origin.” But they usually aren’t satisfied with my answers of “I am a US citizen” or “English is my native language.”
I once had someone who got tired of my string of non-answers just start naming ethnicities, trying to guess what I am! I am ashamed to say that I got pissed and told him off, but it did manage to finally shut him up.
Posted 09 Jul 2007 at 1:25 pm ¶
Storm wrote:
This is more of an advice thing. I am mixed(bi-racial??) but I don’t look it. My mother is half white,indian and black and my dad is Italian. When I was younger I looked like the ” steriotypical” mixed girl. Light skinned, grey and blue eyes (like my dad). I’m now 15 and my eyes are now dark brown and to alot of people say I’m just a lightskinned black girl. Not neccessarily “MIXED”I now have nothing to resemble my dad except his think eyesbrows and his ears. I’m a daddy’s girl so I guess it’s typical to feel this way. Maybe it’s because I’m not as light as the other mixed girls and my hair isn’t as long.I have a different texture of hair from both races,but still and all it just looks like usual black hair. I know this sounds really dumb. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremelyproud to be black, but I’m also very proud of being italian and it sucks when you dont look even a little bit it besides the ITALIAN eyes. I try not to bring it up. None of the black kids like me, I’m just a “White” black girl because my skins kinda dark personality is VERY different and I dont listen to rap. I LOVE METAL. Personally I think that it is very ignorant of them to say something like that just because I’m different.Whenever this topic is asked I get an ” are you sure?” or ” What, you dont wanna be black?” from the black kids. Maybe it’s just summore teen Bullshi**. In a way my situation is different because most mixed people complain about looking too mixed and that they can’t choose between white or black (or whatever other two races they are) and I’m sitting here wanting to be a little more MIXED and I can’t change anything about me to be that way. Does any one have any suggestions?
Posted 19 Jul 2007 at 5:18 pm ¶
Wendi Muse wrote:
hey storm,
one of the main points of this article is that people have a set idea of what x race or y racial combination will look like, but that it’s all based on stereotypes and media-based images of what we should look like based on our background. i think that it’s important for you to love you as yourself, no matter what categories people try to put you into. it’s confusing and annoying, but at the end of the day, you know who you are and that’s all that matters. don’t worry about what bigoted, ignorant, or just plain dumb people have to say.
and no, it’s not dumb to ask this kind of question. i think we ask ourselves questions like this all the time, we just never put them on paper or say them aloud.
also, there is no way to “look mixed.” that’s also a false image that we are reminded of a lot, but that’s actually not true. just like “non-mixed” people (which is a false term in itself b/c even people who identify as monoracial are mixed-ethnically or racially- somewhere in their ancestral gene pool, whether they want to believe it or not), there is a lot of diversity with regard to what mixed people look like, and that’s important to keep in mind.
personally, i think it’s unfair to make people choose sides. you are who you are and you should be left to identify as you wish. don’t let others try to convince you otherwise.
Posted 20 Jul 2007 at 11:56 am ¶
Leah wrote:
Funny story of mistaken identity.
There is a guy at work I was interested in. He looked obviously mixed. Perhaps even black and white like me!
At some point we were both in the break room and he popped the question:
Him: “So, are you Spanish?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “You look Spanish.”
Me: “I get that alot. I’m just mixed. So how about you, since you asked?”
Him: “I’m Dominican.”
Me: “Oh. From there?”
Him: “Yeah, born there.”
At no time did I say I was American. Probably should have. Wow, we both had very clear thoughts on who each other was based on looks alone!
Posted 31 Jul 2007 at 1:16 pm ¶
priya adrianne wrote:
i loved this topic! as a multi-racial person myself, i TOTALLY understand the whole “but you don’t look___!”. I’m half Indian and the other half is mostly black, but i have chinese, cherokee, scottish and german thrown in there for shits and giggles. Although i’m totallly mixed up, i look more indian than anything.
looks and race always help us define who we are, but now i realize that just because i may look more indian than black won’t stop me from being what my background is. as much i wish to be believe that race doesn’t matter… it does because so many of us get judged based on how we look or what we may look like.
but i did love this topic, and i loved reading all these comments! its nice to know i’m not the only multi racial person who feels confused when people respond with:
“but you don’t look___!”
or “OHHHHHH i can see it now!” (no you can’t. shut up)
or my personal favorite:
“psh, no you’re not you’re just ____(enter in race that you most look like).”
i’d like to know who actually goes around and lies about their race.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 8:07 pm ¶
DeeDee wrote:
Unfortunately, race will continue to be a priority to many of the people in this country and beyond. As a person who is just considered to be black (although there are no 100% black people on any continent), I’m always amused that people don’t consider the fact that black people have different ethnicities as well. However, we’re not interesting enough to be viewed from an ethnic standpoint. We just simply get lumped into the black category and that’s the end of the conversation.
Of course, I’ve also had to deal with people of all ethnicities questioning me about my wavy curly hair because I have dark skin. It’s hard for them to fathom that a dark skinned person can have the same hair texture as a so-called mixed person. I wonder sometimes if they even resent it, because it’s supposed to be the mark of being ’special’? LOL
The notion of race is truly laughable to me!
Posted 04 Oct 2007 at 7:10 am ¶
Trula wrote:
The shocked look and silence, I can relate to that. I am black, my husband is white, and our son together, although he favors my husband in features and skin color he tans very brown in the summer and appears half-black to me. I get that to some people he may look latino or arabic, but he also looks black. He has very thick, curly hair that is obviously (to me) black hair. Yet we still get people surprised that I am his mother. I wonder where do they think his hair came from? yes, I know it’s possible that people from other ethnic groups can have the kinky, curly hair that most black people have…I just have yet to actually meet one of these non-black people with my hair type.
Posted 18 Oct 2007 at 11:02 am ¶
Jyl wrote:
No one else has mentioned this so far but the question I found most disturbing/scary is “You have beautiful cheekbones, where are you from?”
My thoughts when asked this question: Um, what exactly do you plan to do with that information? Because to me it sounds like you want to fly over to wherever I name and harvest said cheekbones and possibly make a master race of what you consider to be beautiful. Please go away disturbing person.
Posted 28 Oct 2007 at 12:40 am ¶
Nicki wrote:
i cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it was to discover this site along with this article and its comments.
i live in australia, in a busy, multicultural city. However, there is no (and i mean NO - really.) representation of mixed people anywhere, and no real forum for us ‘mongrels’ (she says with affection - lol)
it was great to read something i could really identify with - and Carmen, i really loved your advice column as well. i once tried to explain to my boyfriend why i didn’t appreciate being constantly asked after my ‘nationality’, and found that my answers could not satisfy his aryan curiosity. you really found the right words. There have been so many times i’ve been offended/taken aback at people’s insistence on knowing my background. sometimes it’s a come-on - although i seriously don’t understand who would go for the line “what nash are you?” (nash-ionality… haha) accompanied by a suggestive smile/wink/leer.
i once had the strange experience of being offered a role in children’s television playing the asian chemistry nerd in a high-school crime fighting trio. Her name was Katrina Wong. the man offering it had never met me, but got his daughter to offer me the part after (i can only assume) he saw a photo of me somewhere - acting skills be damned! (although if any of you are familiar with low-budget australian tv serials such as “neighbours”, you will know that acting is not always a pre-requisite to be an actor here.) At the time, i truly felt that the reason he chose me was because i looked asian enough to be a believable “wong”, but white enough not to scare viewers used to our televisual landscape of WHITENESS. seriously. it’s like being lost in the tundra.
By far the worst experiences have been in germany though. there are too many to recount here. the most golden one, was when (as usual) a person i’d just met began speaking about me, in front of me, assuming i would not understand. when i told him he could adress his questions to me, our interactions went a bit like this:
HIM: so, you’re from china.
ME: no, actually, i’m australian.
HIM: but i mean, you’re chinese
ME: no, actually
HIM: but you speak chinese
ME: no, sorry. just english.
HIM: oh… ok. So do you live near the great wall?
I know i’ve spiralled out of control on this post, but i was just so excited about this. It’s nice to know there are other people out there who are sick of having complete strangers interrogate them about their heritage just to confirm the assumptions they have already made about you.
Good work guys! i shall be on the lookout for more gold from all contributors and commentators! Thank you!
Posted 05 Nov 2007 at 9:18 am ¶
TheLostGirl wrote:
The race thing can be awkward when people who don’t know you that well push up on your business. I actually consider myself LUCKY that noone has really questioned whether I’m related to my mixed race half brothers (i’m black).
Posted 11 Nov 2007 at 12:33 pm ¶
Mixx wrote:
I’m French, Black and American Indian (male)…..and I must say that I am more comfortable NOW to know that I am not the only one that has been questioned about their background.
Every since I was a child and to this very day, I have been stared at because people are curious of what my background is! Although people assume that I’m mxed with something they never get it right the first few go-rounds, but most of the time It’s been shared to me as a compliment because people say I have this exotic look about myself, but for the most part I have always had to tell the story of my background and to my amasement people are on the end of their chairs to listen to every word I have to say about how I came about, like someone like myself is un heard of!!
I had to get used to the stares and I have grown to accept being stared at…by chilkdren to grown folk. I think I’ve been called every possible thing, I have even experienced the whole racial thing, as I never thought I would because it happend late in my adulthood and it just blindsided me….I had a ball of emotions inside of me, it took me awhile to really comprehend the matter.
I think the most funniest time was when I actualy had two of my co-workers argue with eachother (one mexican decent and the other African-American), infront of me (as if I was’nt even there), fuss’n about wether or not I was of Latin decent or African-American decent! I thought it was hilarious at the time and decided to bow out of the situation, since I was ignored to begin with!
As others before myself have expressed…..I am who I am and I am here, it’s not for me to explain myself to anybody. I am God’s child and he made me this way, I am a blessing to my parents as they are to me, and I am loved by many for playing a part in their lives.
Posted 11 Nov 2007 at 4:06 pm ¶
kimi wrote:
i loved this post!
i will definitely use your “But you don’t look….” come back response from now on :o). i happen to have a similar heritage….the ’slaver era remix’ and Chinese. my sister (especially when she was a child) and i (while in college) had to deal with the “what are you” questions alot. i grew up in an all black neighborhood in a town that my family and ancesters had lived in for ~200 years….and still we got these kinds of questions - like “when did you family move to the U.S.?” and such. when i was in college, during a convo/debate i was having with friends, i even had someone tell me “why do you care, you’re not even black”. i was very upset….i’ve always consiered myself Black. though i have varied heritage, my identity is and has always been that of a multi-heritage Black woman. so when this was said i realized that Blackness is fluid for some ppl. at times i have been too black for some and not black enough for others. it’s enough to make you dizzy…..
Posted 23 Jan 2008 at 1:53 pm ¶
B wrote:
I am a 30 year old “black-african” born in Zimbabwe and have been living in the UK from the age of 12. I am bi-lingual and speak English with a London accent. I often get comments like “but your English is so good…” from mainly white people and “You don’t look African, I thought you were from the Caribbean”. I even had a Jamaican woman tell me about how African people are uneducated and uncivilised because she assumed I was not African. That really hurt. I just stood there frozen in shock.
Posted 01 Mar 2008 at 10:01 pm ¶
lakergrrl wrote:
I am half black and half mexican but came out on the morenita side like my dad. The funniest reaction I’ve gotten from somebody when I told them my mixed heritage was ” Oh thats why you eat your collard greens with lime and salt” ^_^
Posted 08 May 2008 at 1:55 pm ¶