Yo shortaaaaaaay! and other techniques of “ghetto pickup artists”

by Carmen Van Kerckhove

ghetto passThe latest installment in The Assimilated Negro‘s Ghetto Pass series for Gawker (“helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories”) is absolutely hilarious.

So far he has tackled the ghetto Chinese spot, the corner bodega, and gypsy cabs. His latest tutorial is one that I think all women in New York City can relate to: the ghetto pickup artist.

Cat-Call & Response – The basic repertoire for any GPA consists of seven approaches:

  • The Staredown – Basic eye contact. Direct and aggressive.
  • The Stare and Pucker – Add a scrunched-up face with puckered lips.
  • The Stare and Kiss – Now add kissing noises to the pucker.
  • The Stare and Hiss – Now switch to hissing sounds, alternating with kissing.
  • The Religious Proclamation – “Praise Jesus girl, you are fine!”
  • The Conversation/Block Escort – “Can I talk with you mami …”. Must engage for full length of block HQ.
  • The Loud Conversation with a Friend – “YO RICKY, do you see this girl over here? Yeah, the pretty one that’s walking all fast. You think I should talk to her?”

There Is One Tip: If you’re in the mood for being holla’d at, then just relax and let the GPAs do their thing. If you DO NOT wish to be approached, then you are advised to remove your makeup, hair, lips, eyelashes, breasts, and buttocks. Basically look as much like a man as possible. Do not use lotion, lip-gloss, Vaseline, or anything that reflects light. A burlap sack or garbage-bag poncho to cover your body helps, as long as it’s not actually raining, in which case the raindrops that fall on your exposed elbows will glisten far too much to feel secure in your undesirability.